DIY dinner: is it selfish?

[TomPinch]

I do all the cooking for my family, and cooked for DW since before the DCs were born. I cook a lot from scratch: everyone likes this and I get a sense of achievement from it. Over the last decade I have produced numberless pies, puddings, roasts, casseroles, cakes, pasties, biscuits, patisserie, flans and loaves of bread from my oven.

I have two DCs: one teenage, one pre-teen. Over the years I have taught them some cooking skills: sometimes they help me with dinner. My older DC can make delicious things but struggles with organisation. My younger DC's cooking is simpler, but healthy. The DCs and I have a weekly washing up roster.

DW does cook occasionally, but, tbh, I cook much better and I like eating nice things. Also she is often too tired in the evenings, so it's simpler for me to do it.

Recently I had the idea of making Friday DIY dinner day. My idea is that each Friday everyone makes their own dinner, chooses what they have (as long as it's reasonably healthy) and does their own dishes and utensils. I put forward the idea and it met with general approval - or so I thought. I did it partly so that the children could cook without the pressure of having to make something everyone liked or cooking (and worrying about ruining) 4 people's dinner.

Also, to be honest, I fancy an evening off, but at the same time getting to eat what I want. I am as tired as a dog most evenings after work and sometimes feel that I cook by auto pilot. Also I really do make everyone lots of nice things, and I feel like treating myself.

DC1 made an enormous home-made pizza. DC2 fried an egg, cooked some pasta and made a simple salad. Both were content. But DW did not understand that by "DIY dinner" I meant that everyone made their own, including her. She has now told the children and me that she considers this arrangement is selfish, and that the children will learn better if they take turns cooking for everyone rather than simply for themselves.

It came to a head when (once I thought the coast was clear) I stole out and got a takeaway curry. She got cross and went to bed early.

I would be grateful for people's views.

YABU = DW is right and DIY dinner is selfish.
YANBU = DW is wrong and DIY dinner is fine.

Not selfish at all - go for it!

If the point of DIY is to provide the kids opportunity to cook it seems very hypocritical to the choose to buy yourself a take away, to me that says you don’t want to have to eat what your kids make which will hinder their cooking confidence. It seems very selfish to order yourself a takeaway alone. Surely it would be nicer to enjoy takeaway as a family. If you want a night off just ask your wife to cook or agree to all have a takeaway.

I think you’re gaslighting us all here. The vote is whether or not DIY dinner is selfish, which obviously it’s not, but you’re using it to justify going out and buying yourself a takeaway after your wife has said she’s not going to cook for herself because she’s not hungry. That is selfish and I’d love to hear the other side of the story because I think you were trying to push her into cooking and that is the issue here. I’ll bet you asked if she was going to cook and when she said she wasn’t, you used that as an excuse to get what you wanted to eat and not even ask her if she wanted a takeaway.

There have been times I've come home from work, and I have been hungry, but too tired to cook and eat - ended up with biscuits or a brown sauce sandwich or summat equally uninspiring just because it took no effort.

However, if someone had said "Curry?" I would have said "Oooh, yes please!"

Getting a takeaway without offering to order for anyone else is just rude!
I cook everyday, if I want a night off I order pizza and we eat off paper plates. If my dc were older I would be getting them to cook for the family once a week.

Don't think she has a leg to stand on! She could have either cooked or got a takeaway herself. She has had the utter luxury of you cooking all these years and has got spoilt. Also its a bit manipulative

, going to bed without eating. She is an adult and perfectly capable of feeding herself. I wish I had someone to cook for me! My young adults still moan if I don't cook a lot of the time! I hate having to cook. That the price of the high cost of housing, they should have all moved out and I could please myself!

Posted early They do cook for everyone sometimes too, & do their own thing as well. Hard when all have different schedules. BTW don't think you are gaslighting at all, that's just a weird viewpoint!

This sounds like a misunderstanding, she thought the diy dinner was mainly so the teens would have the opportunity to cook their own meal and cook the same for her, you meant her included. Just clarify things with her for future Fridays so neither of you are disappointed/left hungry.

You have however through this post given me my own plan on how to take a day off from cooking!

DIY dinner, fine. You sneaking out to get take away and not asking anyone if they want something, not on. I would be seriously pissed off if dp did that.

Takeaway for 1 is mean.

I am leaning to the side of YABNU, however I think going out and getting a takeaway was very selfish and I suspect your DW said she wasn’t hungry because she was annoyed that she wasn’t clear on what was happening & didn’t want to cook for herself, not because she wasn’t hungry (which she was BU for!), but it would have been nice for you to tell her you were going out for a takeaway and had she changed her mind on food etc?

What a bizarre Post.

Regardless of what gender you are - My opinion: If you deposit in my womb, share my womb - You deposit in a joint account and everything is 50/50 (Sometimes not always appropriate to be 50/50).

You should equally share the chores, or one of you cook and the other clean.

Your kids...are kids. I think it's amazing what you're doing and it will be carried with them into adult life, but sometimes the parents need to parent. It doesn't matter which one of you that is. Cook for your children.

I agree on not getting take away for kiddies- We do the same. I hate seeing them eating my bad habits. It's full of sugars and shit, but they are allowed one once in a while.

DIY night, sounds fab! I think I'll try this.

Regardless of what your wife/husband/harem said, you should have asked if they wanted a takeaway. Even if you knew what the answer would be, it's being courteous and thoughtful.

If you have done the cooking all along and also do lots of other chores, then I feel you have enabled them to do nothing. Now? They are kicking off, because they need to do something for themselves.

I work FT, as does my Husband. We have 3 children. We split house stuff equally, we have a joint account. Sometimes it's not always equal and one will do more than the other, but we don't see it as something important enough to argue over...it's fruitless. Life isn't always balanced when it comes to relationships, so your partner should get up, cook, live and let live etc. Teach them how to cook and be firm!

I think it’s unfair for one person to be expected to cook all of the dinners all of the time. I think it’s weird that your wife didn’t understand the concept of DIY dinner. I think YABU to order a takeaway without seeing if she wanted one too.
In our house (DH, me, DD11, DD11, DS9) one of the adults makes the dinners, usually me but not always, and everyone has jobs to do afterwards to help clear up. Everyone sorts their own breakfasts out. Weekends and holidays, we mainly do DIY lunches as we al want different things. If I’m making something a bit more fancy, I’ll see if DH wants some too but the kids usually prefer to do their own sandwiches/wraps/omelette/soup etc. Sometimes one of the older two will want to try out making something for everyone and hopefully once they’re all in their teens, they can have a dedicated day that they cook for the family. They learn to cook properly before they leave home and we get a night or two off from cooking. Winner winner, family dinner!
I think you need to tell your wife that you’d like to have an evening off each week and that means she will have to make her own dinner. I can’t see how that could possibly be a problem, unless she does the entirety of the housework everyday and you don’t do any? In which case you need to divvy things up a little more fairly so that everyone is happy.

I think your all reasonable until the part where you nipped out for a takeaway for yourself. Unless you asked your DW and she declined I think it’s rude/selfish. I remember my dad doing stuff like that when we were young and always felt he was an arsehole for it

YANBU.

You discussed it yet strangely your DW still thought someone in your house was going to cook for her so this suggests she wasn't listening and that's on her.

You've explained it to us and we all understood the concept just fine.

I don't care who does what chores, it won't kill your wife to sort her own dinner out once in a blue moon and her her argument is embaressingly transparent: this isn't about you and the kids being selfish or teaching them life lessons, she wants everyone else to cook for her come what may and she needs to get a grip and stop acting like a petulant child.

And FYI cooking every day for a family is just as much effort as housework so that argument doesn't fly with me.

I thought with DIY dinner you meant laying a load of things out, and people just picking at it - like cheeses, meats, crackers, pate etc. That would be fine, every one cooking doe themselves would be flipping annoying - everyone in everyone else's way and the bloody mess. Just no from me, I actually understand your wife's issue.

I think there’s been some miscommunication here. I’ve learnt over the years with decorators, builders etc that what you think you’ve explained very well to someone does not always match their perception or interpretation of what you said. I think you’re a man(?) apologies if not, so won’t have the self doubt that women have. Apologise for any misunderstanding, make sure she understands and always offer her a takeaway if that’s what you’re having and share the cost. Let the kids do their own thing and buy them a takeaway another time

Selfish not to ask her if she wanted anything from the takeaway. Rude.

You say she does other chores, so are you happy to do all those other chores once a week to give her a break from them too? If you follow your own logic that is 😬

Yes, an anology would be if she does all the ironing, irons work shirts for you every day and has also been teaching the DCs to iron. Then she says 'actually I'd like Friday to be DIY ironing day'.

You understand that as 'she's trying to train the DCs to do their own ironing, for one day a week'. Then she doesn't iron you a shirt. So you go 'oh, I'm not really that bothered about ironing' and go to work in a polo shirt that's ok unironed.

Then she sends her work clothes out to an ironing service.

And you go 'oh, I didn't realise that was an option!' and feel a bit misled and miffed.

Why didn’t you get dw a takeaway?

Or get the kids to take turns to cook on a Friday for all of you

As the person who cooks the overwhelming majority of the time and gets fed up of it...I'm with the OP.

A takeaway was a cook's treat.

I would be seriously unimpressed if my husband couldn't get him some food for the odd night.

You should have asked her if she wanted takeaway. My husband does all the cooking and once a week we have a takeaway to give him a rest. I sort it, order it, pay for it. Cooking every night from scratch is tiring if you're working too. You deserve a night off, but a sneaky takeaway is not on.

Tbh, I don't think your intention is unreasonable, but I also understand your wife's position - she's hurt, maybe feeling left out? I also don't think I'd want the mess in the kitchen of 4 people cooking individual meals in one night. Also your arrangement means you're not ever going to eat together on Fridays as your dinners will be ready at different times. Too many cooks in the kitchen, if you get my drift. Why not draw up a roster? Each person takes turns to cook for the family on Fridays (not you as you normally do it anyway). That way you get a night off, and family dinners get a makeover. I'm sure your kids would love the chance to cook for their family. I know I did at a similar age. Best of luck to you all!

Could you do something on a Friday like homemade pizzas and everyone adds their own topping?

I think it's good for the kids to cool, good idea but maybe it could be more casual on a weekend ad hoc rather than all the time?

I think your DW was being unreasonable, you're entitled to not cook for 4 one night though it would be easier if you two just ate the same thing really I think.... Whether it's takeaway or home cooked. Seems easier

My DH does most of the cooking like you - and I would applaud him having time off - especially in lockdown where’s he’s been making lunches for us x 4 too!! You go for it, you deserve time off. DW needs to get with the program ffs