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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another ‘He hasn’t proposed’ thread...

471 replies

MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 10:58

Long story short:
We have three kids (older two not his, younger is one year old).
I have made no secret of desire to get married for multiple reasons. Had the ‘one day, let me ask you, it’s tradition’ promises from him.
I have an asset, he has none.
He works full time, I don’t have a career and don’t currently work at all.
When youngest was born I wanted to give my surname as he hadn’t wanted to get married yet. He was adamant that no, baby would have his surname and promised to propose within the year, be married within two.
Hasn’t happened. Last time we spoke about it he made the comment ‘but when our youngest is much older then we can have honeymoon’ etc he has wanted to have another baby, I said not without a ring on my finger and he was all ‘so you’d refuse to have another baby just for a bit of paper!’
Basically reveals he has no intention of fulfilling his promise of asking me any time soon.

AIBU to leave the relationship?

OP posts:
tara66 · 25/09/2020 21:50

DP can do his own self assessment if he has the records. He needs to sort this out. He does not need to work out what tax to pay - just fill in his income and work expenses on the forms. He will get fined for not submitting his returns even if he doesn't owe anything and if he owes tax that has not been paid on time - there can be heavy penalties. He seems to be living in a fantasy world. His attitude and excuse regarding proposing/not proposing marriage seems childish i.e. you ''spoilt'' his proposal so he's not going to propose!.

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 22:00

@tara66 yes, and I offered to do the taxes for him so many times as I used to have to do mine when I had my pet care business. It has just become this huge horrible thing for him that he can't face, even when offered money to cover an accountant to sort it for him. Think he is terrified to find out how much he actually owes in fines.

OP posts:
Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 22:01

He says how can we stay in a relationship when he wanted to get married one day but now I will always accuse him of only doing it because I forced it!

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 25/09/2020 22:06

Flowers op
Right now you need to focus on you
He wants to break up. Ok you need to sort benefits for yourself and the dc claim single person council tax and make a cms claim.
Don’t make yourself more vulnerable than you already are You need to be able to cover your living expenses so that you have the breathing space to deal with everything else
You are not his therapist. He needs to find one. It can’t be your job, given you are exhausted, have your own issues to deal with. Disengage immediately from that

Wishing you well

InescapableDeath · 25/09/2020 22:07

The thing about HMRC is that they are scary, but if he just does the bloody forms then the chances are they will cancel some or all of the fines. But not your problem!

newnameforthis123 · 25/09/2020 22:07

@MangoMarmalade

He says how can we stay in a relationship when he wanted to get married one day but now I will always accuse him of only doing it because I forced it!
Apologies OP as I've had some gin but he sounds like an insufferable, selfish and gaslighting twat. He could have asked you to get married at ANY time. He knew you wanted to. He knew you wanted the same last name as your shared child. He knew you wanted the commitment and the security.

Honestly, now you know how much better off you are financially NOT being married to him and how much of a selfish brat he is... you would be a fool to marry him!

Men who love you don't lead you on, persuade you to do things you're uncomfortable with (like your kids last name, gaslight you, guilt trip you and then leave.

Let him leave. You're SO much better off single and still with your assets.

Wrenna · 25/09/2020 22:11

I’d get a job and move on (and possibly out) if I were you. He’s never going to do it (at least not with you).

SunshineCake · 25/09/2020 22:15

@VictoriaBun

You can't ' let ' someone go , in the same way he can't be 'made ' to stay. If he has decided to go , let him . He has made it obvious he has no intention of marrying you , and tbh , has probably been stringing you along all this time. Let him go, and if he realises he's made a mistake , and you want him to return, then you both need to work out if you see it going forward in a way that works for you both.
You say you can't let someone go then twice tell the OP to let him go Hmm
Littlemissdaredevil · 25/09/2020 22:27

He wants you to do the im so sorry pick me dance and I will promise I will then be quiet and get rid of all my hopes and dreams.

Don’t marry him. He’s a lier, manipulator and he’s in trouble with the tax man.

50k salary after tax is over 3k per month take home. Given he has no rent, mortgage of childcare costs to pay what on earth is the money going on???

Rewis · 25/09/2020 22:49

Proposal seriously requires zero effort. He had no plans on doing it ever. Now he has to gaslight you since he has nothing else to go behind. He is using this as an out so he is not the one that looks like an asshole when he tells his family why you broke up.

Girlzroolz · 25/09/2020 22:53

I’d give him some time away to think, then make an appointment for couples therapy. You both need a circuit-breaker. Certainly he no longer heeds things you say, but just might from another voice. He seems very motivated by shame (over the tax thing) and prone to serious procrastination (on everything). Mixed with some disordered ‘man of the house’ crap. Time to out all these little secrets and rip covers off the lies.

You could reframe the marriage issue as a trust issue (he’s been actively stringing you along, and lying for years. That’s a trust thing, not a ring thing.)

I’d also be very very tempted to say (in therapy) that since things that are important to you are being minimised as ‘just a piece of paper’, he should carefully consider that the form you can easily get for changing the baby’s surname to yours is also ‘just a piece of paper’, surely?

Stay strong, things often are darkest just before dawn. That’s the moment it dawns on a man what is truly important to him in life!

caringcarer · 25/09/2020 22:59

In your shoes I would not mention.marriage again. You are in a strong position as you own the house. You should not have given in on youngest child's Surname. I would not have another child with a person who stringed me along and lied to me. I would try to make relationship work. Men like a chase. Hold your head up and stop asking him to marry. If you play it cool he may ask you in the future he may not but really in your position you need to recognise you have best of both worlds.

CaraDuneRedux · 25/09/2020 23:01

Oh, I do wish people would RTFT, or at least all of OP's posts.

showmethegin · 25/09/2020 23:12

@CaraDuneRedux

Oh, I do wish people would RTFT, or at least all of OP's posts.
Yes please. You can even filter OPs posts now. There's no excuse
chubbyhotchoc · 25/09/2020 23:28

I think the fact he clearly doesn't want to
Marry you and has used delaying tactics up to this point shows that at some point he will probably clear off because he's simply not that keen on you. You have three choices a) carry on as you are and feather your nest with his financial contributions with the knowledge it's not a forever situation b) force him to marry you, have a wedding of sorts, which you probably won't enjoy because you know his heart isn't in it, and then lose half your house when he buggers off anyway c) cut your losses and kick him out now.

Nanny0gg · 25/09/2020 23:29

[quote MangoMarmalade]@JinglingHellsBells he is self employed and subcontracted by this company. I don't know really how it all works but apparently this is all legit and this company can 'subcontract' sole traders who work ONLY for them while refusing to employ them with all the sick pay and benefits that brings. And tax is taken at a standard rate from his pay!![/quote]
I thought the rules had changed to catch firms like that.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/09/2020 23:31

@Wrenna

I’d get a job and move on (and possibly out) if I were you. He’s never going to do it (at least not with you).
Yeah op move out of the house you own in your own me die to a family inheritance 😂😂😂
thepeopleversuswork · 25/09/2020 23:32

I would try to make relationship work. Men like a chase. Hold your head up and stop asking him to marry. If you play it cool he may ask you in the future he may not but really in your position you need to recognise you have best of both worlds.

What is this, The Rules? FFS.

Pandacub7 · 25/09/2020 23:38

Before this argument, what was your relationship like? Did you respect and trust each other? Maybe he’s feeling stressed and pressured by you asking several times. You mentioned you have a 1 year old baby together. How long have you been together?

billy1966 · 25/09/2020 23:45

OP,
Obviously this is a very challenging time fotr you.

Your children have one adult that they can depend on.

Please don't mess with their home and put it at risk.

This guy is playijg you like a fiddle.

Yes you have had a child but lord is he playijg you.

Protect yourself and your children.Flowers

Sarahandduck18 · 25/09/2020 23:51

If you have an asset and other D.C. you are best off not marrying.

Chocaholic9 · 26/09/2020 02:25

@Littlemissdaredevil

He wants you to do the im so sorry pick me dance and I will promise I will then be quiet and get rid of all my hopes and dreams.

Don’t marry him. He’s a lier, manipulator and he’s in trouble with the tax man.

50k salary after tax is over 3k per month take home. Given he has no rent, mortgage of childcare costs to pay what on earth is the money going on???

^^

This. He is manipulative as hell OP. Love is blind and maybe you can't see it.

Chocaholic9 · 26/09/2020 02:27

@thepeopleversuswork

I would try to make relationship work. Men like a chase. Hold your head up and stop asking him to marry. If you play it cool he may ask you in the future he may not but really in your position you need to recognise you have best of both worlds.

What is this, The Rules? FFS.

This man knows she wants to get married and has completely FAILED to ask her over a long period of time. Taking him back and continuing to wait for him to propose is a massive waste of her time.
doopdeepduup · 26/09/2020 02:49

I can understand how you feel, my DS was the same and DBIL made her wait years.

To be honest, he sounds very depressed. I think him going to SB's for a while is a good idea. The injury, reduction in wages and HMRC are enough to cause increased anxiety.

I think you and marriage on top of all of this, has been the straw that broke the camels back. I don't believe his excuses for breaking up. To me, that screams that he is completely overwhelmed with life, and he just can't fathom anything at the moment.

He needs to time to press the reset button and face up to what he is about too. I hope his DB can help him to open these letters. Concentrate on getting better.

Do you have a good relationship with his DB? I would ask him to maintain communication with you. When he has faced his fears, I would let him know that if he wants, you can go through this together.

And then, I would honestly not mention marriage again. I know it is important to you but he clearly has other things on his mind.

Chocaholic9 · 26/09/2020 04:37

@doopdeepduup

I can understand how you feel, my DS was the same and DBIL made her wait years.

To be honest, he sounds very depressed. I think him going to SB's for a while is a good idea. The injury, reduction in wages and HMRC are enough to cause increased anxiety.

I think you and marriage on top of all of this, has been the straw that broke the camels back. I don't believe his excuses for breaking up. To me, that screams that he is completely overwhelmed with life, and he just can't fathom anything at the moment.

He needs to time to press the reset button and face up to what he is about too. I hope his DB can help him to open these letters. Concentrate on getting better.

Do you have a good relationship with his DB? I would ask him to maintain communication with you. When he has faced his fears, I would let him know that if he wants, you can go through this together.

And then, I would honestly not mention marriage again. I know it is important to you but he clearly has other things on his mind.

Yes, God forbid you think about your needs or wants OP Hmm