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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another ‘He hasn’t proposed’ thread...

471 replies

MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 10:58

Long story short:
We have three kids (older two not his, younger is one year old).
I have made no secret of desire to get married for multiple reasons. Had the ‘one day, let me ask you, it’s tradition’ promises from him.
I have an asset, he has none.
He works full time, I don’t have a career and don’t currently work at all.
When youngest was born I wanted to give my surname as he hadn’t wanted to get married yet. He was adamant that no, baby would have his surname and promised to propose within the year, be married within two.
Hasn’t happened. Last time we spoke about it he made the comment ‘but when our youngest is much older then we can have honeymoon’ etc he has wanted to have another baby, I said not without a ring on my finger and he was all ‘so you’d refuse to have another baby just for a bit of paper!’
Basically reveals he has no intention of fulfilling his promise of asking me any time soon.

AIBU to leave the relationship?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 25/09/2020 19:55

@MangoMarmalade

He's not that manipulative honestly.

He says relationship is over.

Yes, he is.

If he's so serious, tell him he has 48 hours to vacate your house and that you will be filing a CMS claim for maintenance ASAP. See what he says.

Sounds to me as if the idea of splitting may have been in his mind if this has given him an excuse to end things with a woman he supposedly wanted to marry, but never got around to asking. Or you've been 'Ms Right Now' instead of Ms Right and he's been keeping his options open whilst having you there as maid of all work and bedmate.

At any rate, he's made 'who he really is' perfectly clear. He's either had one foot out the door for some time now or he's a manipulative shit.

tornadoalley · 25/09/2020 19:57

If you own the house you live in then don't get married and give him a share of your asset.

Otherwise, he would be out if it were me, simply for the endless lies.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/09/2020 19:59

Well if he wants to go op, let him and give yourself both space to decide what you want. The MN assumption is that the women can't do any wrong and the guy is just a manipulative dick but maybe you both need time to review what you bring into the relationship.

SunshineCake · 25/09/2020 19:59

Re you've ruined it by always saying about marriage.

This reminded me of what happened with my dh. He knew I wanted marriage and I was ready before him and talked about it a lot. One morning we said it was easy not to think about it during work but at weekends I thought about it a lot. He then proposed. A few weeks before I had tried on a ring I liked. The sales assistant gave him the details and when I was at work he went to order it and then pick it up. He then planned to propose that weekend but not necessarily at the moment he did.

No man who wants to marry someone is put off by them mentioning it.

diddl · 25/09/2020 20:11

He's a nasty piece of work, isn't he?

Never intended to propose & now blaming you, Op!

Classic!

CaraDuneRedux · 25/09/2020 20:16

Sounds to me as if the idea of splitting may have been in his mind if this has given him an excuse to end things with a woman he supposedly wanted to marry, but never got around to asking

Yup, highly manipulative men are very good at getting what they want and making it seem like it was your fault.

Top tip: it wasn't your fault.

CaraDuneRedux · 25/09/2020 20:18

[quote MangoMarmalade]@JinglingHellsBells he is self employed and subcontracted by this company. I don't know really how it all works but apparently this is all legit and this company can 'subcontract' sole traders who work ONLY for them while refusing to employ them with all the sick pay and benefits that brings. And tax is taken at a standard rate from his pay!![/quote]
I very much doubt this is the case.

I have friends who've gone from salaried work to consultancy then fallen foul of HMRC for only having one client.

I suspect this is bullshit and he's still trying to gaslight you. He does not sound like he is honest with anyone. He's lying to you. He's lying to HMRC. God knows who else he's lying to.

thepeopleversuswork · 25/09/2020 20:21

I said why haven't you proposed already, he said he hasn't even really thought about it, and I keep ruining it anyway by asking about it too much!

So he hasn't thought about it but you are mentioning it all the time? So which is it?

He's talking out of his a*

I seriously doubt he wants to end the relationship either and I would bet my life's savings he won't want to move out of the house. You should have called his bluff.

Can you ask him to move out for a few days to give you space to think about things?

newnameforthis123 · 25/09/2020 20:23

Can you ask him to move out for a few days to give you space to think about things?

This.

I think you splitting could be the best thing to happen to you and your kids, financially and emotionally.

msflibble · 25/09/2020 20:26

Can I just say - the absolute fucking cheek of men who insist babies get their surname even though women are the ones who carry them for 9 months, risk our lives and bodies to birth them, breastfeed them and usually remain the primary caregiver until they leave home.
Default naming should always be matrilineal. It fucks me right off that so many men think that giving the kids their name is something they're automatically entitled to just because they're male.
Ok rant over

thepeopleversuswork · 25/09/2020 20:30

msflibble hear hear

its a digression but I totally agree

Willyoujustbequiet · 25/09/2020 20:33

You know you've been played dont you?

JinglingHellsBells · 25/09/2020 20:33

@MangoMarmalade That's all bullshit from him or his employer. If he is self employed he will do his own assessment and be taxed. if he is working as a 'consultant' he should not be taxed at source but he would need to set himself up as a sole trader or limited company and it sounds as if he is falling foul of hmrc . Oyne of these people- him or the company - is pulling a fast one. I suspect there are other reasons why he is trying to avoid hmrc and staying under their radar.

If you KNOW he has had loads of letters, why don't you ask to see them? Having them sent to his brother is not on either because he is supposed to give hmrc his current address - for obvious reasons.

msflibble · 25/09/2020 20:36

He is being manipulative btw OP. Call his bluff and kick him out. You're in a better position than a lot of mothers who have to LTB just because of that! So I guess it's not so much LTB in this situation as KTBO.

He's strung you along for long enough. Time to ditch the dead weight.

msflibble · 25/09/2020 20:40

sorry, my post meant to say you have a house, which is why you're in a better position than most! I'm not drunk I promise

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 20:46

Ok. I am hearing what you all are saying. I will let him go and think things over for a few days.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 25/09/2020 20:47

I vaguely remember ex used to be subcontracted by a company, but he was paid full pay and had to do a self assessment and pay out the tax on that basis. It was a construction industry thing and he had formed his own company and paid himself shares, but in reality he had a lot more money. It was a very long time ago.

It is odd he’s having to do self assessments whilst he is on PAYE.

Don’t beg him to stay OP, get some rest tonight. And see what happens in the morning. If he’s adamant he’s leaving start a CMS case and check all benefits/tax credits you’re entitled to, get single person discount on your council tax etc.

Have to say similar to PP, I knew you’d post saying he was now saying you’d spoilt his intention to propose and now wasn’t going to because you’d ruined it etc. It’s textbook.

motherofdxughters · 25/09/2020 20:49

Please don't marry him and put your asset on the table.

MsKeats · 25/09/2020 20:51

@msflibble

Can I just say - the absolute fucking cheek of men who insist babies get their surname even though women are the ones who carry them for 9 months, risk our lives and bodies to birth them, breastfeed them and usually remain the primary caregiver until they leave home. Default naming should always be matrilineal. It fucks me right off that so many men think that giving the kids their name is something they're automatically entitled to just because they're male. Ok rant over
Oh God Yes, this should be the law. I wasn't married. The kids had my name not his. Thank f**k!
InescapableDeath · 25/09/2020 20:51

Big hugs OP. You are not to blame for anything he says.

You deserve happiness.

He is a put his head in the sand kind of man. If he loved you and wanted to marry you, hinting wouldn’t stop him.

He hasn’t cared about your mental health in a year or you’d have had a break.

He’s awful really. So what he’s paid bills - he hasn’t paid for the house!

You will find someone who wants all of you one day. He will never change.

Be strong!

MushyMushi · 25/09/2020 20:52

@MangoMarmalade

Ok. I am hearing what you all are saying. I will let him go and think things over for a few days.
Wise decision.
VictoriaBun · 25/09/2020 20:52

You can't ' let ' someone go , in the same way he can't be 'made ' to stay. If he has decided to go , let him .
He has made it obvious he has no intention of marrying you , and tbh , has probably been stringing you along all this time. Let him go, and if he realises he's made a mistake , and you want him to return, then you both need to work out if you see it going forward in a way that works for you both.

MsKeats · 25/09/2020 20:53

Don't marry him. Consider this a lucky escape. A court will allow you to double barrel the name.

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 21:28

Well I'm still in bed with the baby and he's downstairs about to go to sleep on the sofa ... he is going to his brothers tomorrow. He has said we need space to think about things and I've agreed, I asked him not to hang around here all day.

OP posts:
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 25/09/2020 21:46

vaguely remember ex used to be subcontracted by a company, but he was paid full pay and had to do a self assessment and pay out the tax on that basis. It was a construction industry thing and he had formed his own company and paid himself shares, but in reality he had a lot more money. It was a very long time ago.

HMRC have been cracking down on this sort of thing for a few years. They have very straightforward standards for self employment vs employment and if they aren't met then all manner of trouble can follow.