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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another ‘He hasn’t proposed’ thread...

471 replies

MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 10:58

Long story short:
We have three kids (older two not his, younger is one year old).
I have made no secret of desire to get married for multiple reasons. Had the ‘one day, let me ask you, it’s tradition’ promises from him.
I have an asset, he has none.
He works full time, I don’t have a career and don’t currently work at all.
When youngest was born I wanted to give my surname as he hadn’t wanted to get married yet. He was adamant that no, baby would have his surname and promised to propose within the year, be married within two.
Hasn’t happened. Last time we spoke about it he made the comment ‘but when our youngest is much older then we can have honeymoon’ etc he has wanted to have another baby, I said not without a ring on my finger and he was all ‘so you’d refuse to have another baby just for a bit of paper!’
Basically reveals he has no intention of fulfilling his promise of asking me any time soon.

AIBU to leave the relationship?

OP posts:
doopdeepduup · 26/09/2020 04:57

@Chocaholic9 seriously? Hmm

Chocaholic9 · 26/09/2020 05:08

@doopdeepduup I'm guessing you haven't read the entire thread?!

Chocaholic9 · 26/09/2020 05:11

@doopdeepduup - If you'd read the whole thread you'd see that he tricked her into giving his name to their baby. He said to her that if the baby took his surname, he'd definitely marry her within a year. He went back on his promise and shows no signs whatsoever of going ahead with it.

So he's lied to her, she feels betrayed. That is why your comment about how he she should let it go because he "clearly has other things on his mind" doesn't strike me as good advice. She's been letting it go for ages, resentment has been building and now their relationship is on the verge of breaking down.

doopdeepduup · 26/09/2020 05:11

Oops, pressed too soon.

In my marriage, we consider both of our needs, and the needs of the kids. it is give and take. Of course it is important to know your needs and boundaries, but with OP's posts and updates on his reaction, it screams that obv there is something much bigger at play and for the moment, the focus needs to be on dealing with the situation in hand, his stress and refusal to deal with HRMC.

If there is to be any chance of a future, IMO, OP needs to give him space, and then if both of them want to, support as he works through this difficult time.

Or she can throw the towel in because her needs haven't been met.

In one situation there is possibly something to work towards, and in the other there is nots

I just know which qualities I would look for in a DP.

Chocaholic9 · 26/09/2020 05:13

@doopdeepduup

Oops, pressed too soon.

In my marriage, we consider both of our needs, and the needs of the kids. it is give and take. Of course it is important to know your needs and boundaries, but with OP's posts and updates on his reaction, it screams that obv there is something much bigger at play and for the moment, the focus needs to be on dealing with the situation in hand, his stress and refusal to deal with HRMC.

If there is to be any chance of a future, IMO, OP needs to give him space, and then if both of them want to, support as he works through this difficult time.

Or she can throw the towel in because her needs haven't been met.

In one situation there is possibly something to work towards, and in the other there is nots

I just know which qualities I would look for in a DP.

That's great but doesn't seem like OP's partner is considering her needs at all.
doopdeepduup · 26/09/2020 05:15

@Chocaholic9 yes I Have read the whole thread and understand her feelings. Agree with OP decision not to have another child with him until it's sorted.
(I also don't buy any of this tradition bullshit and would be stomping that out of my relationship, personally)

Behind the scenes, this other situation had been brewing for years. I hope his B will give him a stern talking too.

I just think playing the longer game here is best, if she wants a chance of having an optimal outcome.

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 26/09/2020 05:57

@Pandacub7 we had a huge argument/near break up a few years ago about this same issue. Back then he promised to get married within a couple of years too. I reminded him of this last night and he could barely even remember it.

I do believe he is genuine when he says he imagined us married in the future. But I just don't think it will ever be the right time for him. He didn't have any reasons when I asked him why he hasn't proposed apart from 'time flies' crap.

I asked him why he hadnt agreed to just book a registry office - I don't need a proposal or a fancy party, I just want the marriage. He said that it would be "fucking weird" to do it that way - loveless and weird.

So basically whatever I suggest is wrong and he continues to withhold what I wanted.

I do agree he is feeling generally overwhelmed with his injury, lowered earning capacity, HMRC, the daily grind and now these demands from me again he just wants to run away. But that's no excuse for all the years previous when everything's been fine.

I feel like this is his excuse to go now and play golf every Sunday and do what he wants without the added pressure of me nagging him about his taxes and marriage!

Have woken up feeling angry again.

OP posts:
Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 26/09/2020 05:59

Oh sorry @Pandacub7 we have been together for 6 years.

OP posts:
TinySongstress · 26/09/2020 06:01

The only paperwork I'd be interested in is that pertaining to ensuring he never had claim over my property.

cantarina · 26/09/2020 06:05

OP it sounds like he is the kind of person who can't face up to responsibility - he earns well, but has nothing to show for it, he can't manage his tax affairs, he can't get his act together to ask you to marry him, despite promising and knowing it was important to you. He will always let you down and given your situation I would not want to be financially tied to him.

IMO If he has left you've perhaps dodged a bullet in the long run.

If you try to make this work, and it's good to try for the sake of the one year old, I would suggest doing it on an entirely new footing. You no longer want to be married, but sort out all the legals, he confirms he has no interest in the house, you make your will to leave your property to your kids, deed poll for name changes all round, and you have power of attorney for each other to replace the fact that you are not next of kin (if you want that).

Ultimately he can't fix that he lied to you about getting married, but I suspect he's flakey and often lets people down. This is who he is. You can't trust him over anything, you can't rely on him. So plough your own furrow. I suspect if you act for yourself and make decisions that make sense for you and the kids he will react against that as despite not being able to get his act together he wants to be the man boss and you making decisions that don't give him his place will threaten him.

Shrug it off where he wants to guilt trip or undermine you. He lied to you and let you down, that's the truth here.

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 26/09/2020 06:07

@cantarina yes you are right.

At the moment he is saying "if we can't get married one day then there's no point in us being together" so at the moment he's clearly just looking to leave, and I'll let him.

OP posts:
cantarina · 26/09/2020 06:09

Call his bluff. Tell him it proves he had no commitment all along. Lies lies lies.

cantarina · 26/09/2020 06:10

He wants you to beg to make him feel better when he should be manning up here.

Hyperfish101 · 26/09/2020 06:18

Why does he have to ‘propose’? I can’t believe we still have that going in the 21st century, just ask him if you’re going to get married or not.

cantarina · 26/09/2020 06:24

@Hyperfish101 RTFT, OP already thought of that

ShebaShimmyShake · 26/09/2020 07:07

[quote MangoMarmalade]@cantarina yes you are right.

At the moment he is saying "if we can't get married one day then there's no point in us being together" so at the moment he's clearly just looking to leave, and I'll let him. [/quote]
My God, that is so dishonest and exploitative. He basically weaponises marriage to manipulate you whether you want it or not.

Ireolu · 26/09/2020 07:23

I'm married and haven't taken my husband's name. It means my daughter has a different surname to me. It was mainly for professional reasons. If he treats you and all your children well no idea why this romanticised ideal of marriage.

I think you need to focus on you and to start to make plans about how to get yourself prospects to support you and your kids financially in case you split up whether you end up married or not.

SlowDown76mph · 26/09/2020 07:51

Marriage is broadly a contract in which you become one legal entity for property and money. Your property would be marital assets. His debts would be yours too. He has shown you no commitment or genuine love. Why on earth would you marry him? Protect yourself (and your children's) emotional and financial security. You will have short-term discomfort but avoid the long-term sentence.

SunshineCake · 26/09/2020 07:58

You have a very valuable house.
You have children, dependents.
You have a less than fulfilling relationship with a liar and gaslighter

Why the fuck are people still.advocating anything but finishing this today ?

vervaininthemembrane · 26/09/2020 08:04

@mummmy2017

You own the house. He refuses to commit. I think your better off keeping your assets, and realising your the winner here.
This.
billy1966 · 26/09/2020 08:27

OP, I have a different name to my children and have never given it a second thought.

The most important aspect of what you have written is how dishonest and controlling he is.

Marriage is the worst thing for you and your children.

Hold on to their home and do not roll the dice with it.

He really doesn't sound like any prize.

Who tax thing is so ridiculous.

If you married him, you may be liable for those fines.

Be very wary of any that is poor with money.

Bl3ss3dm0m · 26/09/2020 08:32

How do you actually feel OP now that your partnership appears to be over? Do you feel overwhelmingly heartbroken, or maybe a little relieved - or even a lot relieved?
Whether you stay together or not, please encourage him to see his GP about being depressed, and maybe arrange for him to go for CBT (if they are even offering that at the moment). He is the father of your youngest, and has apparently been a good Dad to all of your DC, so it would be kind of you to try to be emotionally supportive of him whilst trying to get his depression sorted.
Good luck, and I hope you end up happy either with or without him.

Igotmyholiday · 26/09/2020 08:43

You have children that are not his and a house that is solely yours, you are better off not married. You don't sound very happy though. I've been with dp longer than yours we are not married similar circumstances to you ( but no dc together). I wanted to marry at first but the more I think about it the less I do, he has started talking about it, it's me who is in no rush yet. My advice would be get a job and no more kids, looking after 4 as a single parent would be tricky, 1 young and 2 older more doable

LouiseTrees · 26/09/2020 09:28

[quote MangoMarmalade]@cantarina yes you are right.

At the moment he is saying "if we can't get married one day then there's no point in us being together" so at the moment he's clearly just looking to leave, and I'll let him. [/quote]
I mean yes let him but don’t let him think he’s just getting the single life. Ask him when and how he’s going to take the baby. Make it clear it’s not acceptable for him to run away from all responsibilities all the time which seems to be the case with the taxes, commitment issues etc.

LouiseTrees · 26/09/2020 09:30

Oh and I was with DH 10 years before we got married. Have been married 7. Many of those proposed to quicker have now split up.