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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another ‘He hasn’t proposed’ thread...

471 replies

MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 10:58

Long story short:
We have three kids (older two not his, younger is one year old).
I have made no secret of desire to get married for multiple reasons. Had the ‘one day, let me ask you, it’s tradition’ promises from him.
I have an asset, he has none.
He works full time, I don’t have a career and don’t currently work at all.
When youngest was born I wanted to give my surname as he hadn’t wanted to get married yet. He was adamant that no, baby would have his surname and promised to propose within the year, be married within two.
Hasn’t happened. Last time we spoke about it he made the comment ‘but when our youngest is much older then we can have honeymoon’ etc he has wanted to have another baby, I said not without a ring on my finger and he was all ‘so you’d refuse to have another baby just for a bit of paper!’
Basically reveals he has no intention of fulfilling his promise of asking me any time soon.

AIBU to leave the relationship?

OP posts:
Embracelife · 25/09/2020 18:12

Dont get married.
You may lose (half) your house and take on his debts.
Get very clear legal advice.
What would you live off if he was not around?
Why does he agree to pay everything ?
He has more to gain in assets by marrying

AcrossthePond55 · 25/09/2020 18:13

[quote Bravefarts]@AcrossthePond55

In the UK there's a double standard that living together counts for getting grants, loans, benefits etc from the state, but when it comes to splitting, you have no claims over the other's property.[/quote]
@Bravefarts

Thanks for the info! That's massively unfair, isn't it?

Equally ridiculous here is that your parent's income counts against you for government university assistance until you reach age 24, even if your parent(s) turned their back on you at 18.

It's pretty obvious that the prats who think these laws up have never and will never be in these positions!

Chocaholic9 · 25/09/2020 18:27

It's a bit shitty that he can't afford any kind of help for you, on a 50k salary when he has no housing costs?

I've read the whole thread and the more I read, the more I am convinced this man is not someone who has your best interest at heart. It's a bullet dodged that you're not married.

He didn't not marry you because he wanted you to keep your house. He failed to propose for any number of other reasons, maybe because he's a commitment phobe and has one foot out the door, or is using this as leverage to control you and keep the relationship on his terms. Or because it sounds like he is the least organised person in the world and can't even manage to get his taxes in order let alone organise a proposal, plan a wedding and fulfil his promises.

Either way OP he's a loser and you should secure your assets then get rid.

PS. I've known men who refuse to marry their long term partner, go on to marry quickly when they get a "better offer". That's no reflection on you. You are absolutely worthy of a committed relationship. Your only problem is that you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't think so.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/09/2020 18:28

@MangoMarmalade

1-Never believe anyone who says they have 'no interest' in your property. I'll bet if you presented him with a legal contract saying he agrees to never make a move on it, that it will be left in trust to your children, and that he agrees to vacate the property immediately if requested to do so he'll refuse to sign and start bleating about 'your sense commitment'. A 'sense of commitment' that it's obvious he doesn't feel he needs to equal.

2-Never get married to or financially entangled with anyone who is in debt, but especially in debt to the taxman. I don't know about HMRC, but our (US) IRS scares the living bejeebers out of me. I spent my career in a federal agency that worked alongside other agencies and I saw how they 'work'. The FBI and the CIA are small potatoes compared to the power of the IRS to wreak havoc on someone's life.

3-As far as calling it quits now, STOP. Make a plan. Know your options and where your income will come from. Get those ducks in a row.

4-If you are truly at the end of your emotional rope, take a break. Go away for 3-4 day. Even if you have to take the BF baby with you and leave the other 2 with him. You need somewhere to clear your head, be it a hotel or with a friend/relative.

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 18:36

We've just had a massive discussion and he has said we should break up, because he did see marriage as the end goal and now I've said that it's too late for that as it would feel like Ive forced him, he says what is the point in us staying together.

I said why haven't you proposed already, he said he hasn't even really thought about it, and I keep ruining it anyway by asking about it too much!

He said he's really depressed and anxious as f**k about the HMRC and working with an injury at the moment so earning less etc etc.

He doesn't see the point in anything anymore.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 25/09/2020 18:47

@MangoMarmalade

We've just had a massive discussion and he has said we should break up, because he did see marriage as the end goal and now I've said that it's too late for that as it would feel like Ive forced him, he says what is the point in us staying together.

I said why haven't you proposed already, he said he hasn't even really thought about it, and I keep ruining it anyway by asking about it too much!

He said he's really depressed and anxious as f**k about the HMRC and working with an injury at the moment so earning less etc etc.

He doesn't see the point in anything anymore.

Does his depression ring true or do you think he's just trying to shut you up? When you mentioned about buying his head in the same about HMRC I did wonder if he was depressed
Antonin · 25/09/2020 18:48

Oh dear, poor him! Hope you aren’t buying into this emotional blackmail, OP

CalishataFolkart · 25/09/2020 18:48

He hasn’t even really thought about it but you have still managed to ruin it by asking about it? So he has thought about it. And, unsurprisingly, he’s made it your fault. Sorry OP, I was waiting for the “well I was GOING to ask but now you’ve spoilt it” post and here it is.

RelaisBlu · 25/09/2020 18:51

Re your latest post MangoMarmalade you're being played

WiserOlder · 25/09/2020 18:54

You are crazy. Ask him to leave.

Tappering · 25/09/2020 18:58

He's anxious as fuck about HMRC - but that's a situation of his own making!!!

Seriously, he's trying to get you to feel sorry for him. Don't fall for it. He's got a bloody cushy number - only bills to pay, which he'd pay wherever he lived, 24/7 childcare so he can swan in and out as he wants, no childcare costs or mortgage/rent to pay... And all he has to do to keep you sweet is occasionally say that he'll get around to proposing to you at some point!

WiserOlder · 25/09/2020 18:59

Yupp. Tell him to move out and have the kids half a week.

Yepyeahyes · 25/09/2020 19:01

So you inherited a house , don’t work and he pays all the bills for you and your kids? I think you need to consider whether making a big deal of this is really in your interests ...

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 25/09/2020 19:12

@MangoMarmalade

We've just had a massive discussion and he has said we should break up, because he did see marriage as the end goal and now I've said that it's too late for that as it would feel like Ive forced him, he says what is the point in us staying together.

I said why haven't you proposed already, he said he hasn't even really thought about it, and I keep ruining it anyway by asking about it too much!

He said he's really depressed and anxious as f**k about the HMRC and working with an injury at the moment so earning less etc etc.

He doesn't see the point in anything anymore.

That's all textbook manipulation, to be honest. There's even a veiled threat of suicide.
SleepingStandingUp · 25/09/2020 19:17

@WiserOlder

Yupp. Tell him to move out and have the kids half a week.
Kid. Only one is his
tillytown · 25/09/2020 19:22

He's lying, don't fall for his emotional blackmail

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 19:37

He's not that manipulative honestly.

He says relationship is over.

OP posts:
Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 19:38

@Yepyeahyes well I'm at home caring for his 1 year old 24/7 so it's not like I do nothing while he pays for everything.

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 25/09/2020 19:39

@MangoMarmalade His tax affairs make no sense. Either he is self employed or employed, and although he can be both, he needs to get this sorted.

why on earth has he not changed his address to the letters come to him? sounds very immature.

MaskingForIt · 25/09/2020 19:40

@MangoMarmalade

He's not that manipulative honestly.

He says relationship is over.

He’s calling your bluff. He wants you to reassure him and tell him you still love him and want to be with him. He’s playing a good game.
VinylDetective · 25/09/2020 19:42

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@MangoMarmalade His tax affairs make no sense. Either he is self employed or employed, and although he can be both, he needs to get this sorted.

why on earth has he not changed his address to the letters come to him? sounds very immature.[/quote]
They do make sense. It’s a bloody nightmare getting rid of self assessment once you’ve started it.

But I agree with pp, he’s very manipulative.

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 19:43

@JinglingHellsBells he is self employed and subcontracted by this company. I don't know really how it all works but apparently this is all legit and this company can 'subcontract' sole traders who work ONLY for them while refusing to employ them with all the sick pay and benefits that brings. And tax is taken at a standard rate from his pay!!

OP posts:
firstimemamma · 25/09/2020 19:45

Seen your updates. Really sorry op Thanks

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 19:47

Well I've already caved and given the "please stay" and he's adamant he doesn't want to.

He is genuinely really down at the moment has been for a while. Has an injury which is seriously affecting the amount of work he can do/ money he's bringing home. He's paid on price.

He says he feels like whatever he does it's not enough. He's not happy. He also says he doesn't know if he should be putting up with the way I talk to him sometimes etc

I'm a pretty low energy person and could probably make more of an effort generally.

I've had a few drinks not guna lie , lying upstairs with the baby whose just gone to bed.

OP posts:
WiserOlder · 25/09/2020 19:52

For the best if he goes. The house is yours.
How would he be doing you a favour by marrying you.
He has been eroding your confidence by not wanting to marry you.

I had a boyfriend once, we were in relationship but he kept saying "i dont want a relationship". It eroded me although i can see now he was not out of my league, he was not too good for me. None of that. I only felt that because he was right there with me while he was "not in a relationship with me".

I would have been fine in 2 weeks if he'd fucked ofg