Boyfriend thinks I am not ambitious.

[ambioussssssssss]

I am 25. I have been to university studying a degree related to animals. I hope to go on to do a postgraduate degree in something more technical in around two years time. I just want to make sure I know what I want to do.
I find there are not really much jobs about working with animals in my area and if there are, they get tons of applications.

Before university, I had a part-time job as a receptionist.
After struggling to find a job related to animals, I have decided to go back to receptionist work but I have only been able to find work through an agency (I don't know if this is because of coronavirus or if receptionist jobs are usually hard to get?).

The past 2 weeks, I have had quite a bit of work, but today I didn't get a call.
I phoned boyfriend, who has a contracted job which is relatively well-paid and he didn't go to uni, he did an apprenticeship once he left school and has made his way up in his company. I told him that I am feeling anxious about the work situation and I am not loving zero-hour contract/temporary work and I hate the inconsistency of it.
He asked if I was still applying for jobs and I said yes (as I am). I have an interview in 2 weeks, which I feel nervous but excited about. Even if I don't get it, it's nice to get an interview.

However, I was a bit struck back by what he said. He told me he understood how rubbish agency work is and said that I must lack ambition as if I really tried hard enough, I would have a full-time job by now. I debated him with this and said it's easy for him to say in the job he has about how 'easy' it is to find a job if you have the drive.

His reasoning for saying this was that he hasn't been out of work since leaving school because he has the drive and motivation.
I don't understand why he doesn't see the ambition in me?
I left school, I worked part-time. I went to uni. I got a first-class degree. Yes if I could go back in time I would probably choose a different degree in terms of career prospects but being young, I chose what I would enjoy. But I can't think like that as it is done.

I am not on agency work and hoping to do further studies within a couple of years. But I don't want to rush into it and make a mistake.

I feel he's embarrassed by my job. When people ask what I am doing now I have left uni and I say I am doing agency work as I am finding the job market quite tough, I feel he cringes.

I'm feeling really down now. Like my life is going nowhere and that it's my fault.

The thing that stands out for me is that you say you had a part-time job before University. Why did you only work part- time, when you were young with no kids? That does suggest lack of drive and ambition.

Thing is, you'll get a huge range of opinions on here about whether or not you should be more ambitious or career orientated and those opinions are formed by the people who are given them own life experiences and values. What is important to you? Setting aside what might please your boyfriend. Focus on that and dont pursue something to make someone else happy.
I am not ambitious and I'm interested in a large salary, my career is in the charity sector and that's never going to pay well. But I have a small house and low outgoings and my husband is not that money orientated so it works for us. And I'm happy and I enjoy my job - and that's got to be the end goal.

God, you don't HAVE to be ambitious. And some people take their time feeling things out and deciding what they want. It's fine. Not everybody studies business and then starts up the corporate ladder. Boring!

I'm you 9 years down the line.

I chose my degree for the wrong reasons. I hoped it would lead to something I did want to do further down the line. It didn't happen, and it is never going to happen. I never had a solid plan B. Since then, I've been aimlessly working jobs that put money in the bank, but had zero opportunity for advancement.

I now have a job I love, but at the age of 34, and a baby, the opportunities (and finances) to re-train to get higher within my field are going to be extremely thin on the ground.

I'm not going to lie. I feel like I've wasted every iota of potential I had, and that I'm nothing but a financial millstone around my husband's neck.

You need to pick just one direction and work towards it. Plan A has gone awry, it's time to make a plan B. It's so hard when you thought you knew what you wanted to do, but fate decrees otherwise. But you need to find something else. The sooner the better. Good luck.

I think now is the time for you to seriously investigate sensible options, decide what you want to do and train for it. You’re not ready to buy a house yet so forget about that and focus on yourself. I messed around in my late teens and early twenties and didn’t start training for a career until I was 24. In retrospect I am so glad I went back to uni and completed something practical and relatively well paid. It has made my life so much easier compared to my friends who coasted along in unskilled jobs. It’s also true that you generally get a lot more personal satisfaction from a job that stretches you a bit more.

Teaching is a great, sensible option. You don’t need to spend years doing agency TA work though. You can volunteer to get experience working with children. Start researching PGCE courses near you and talk to the universities about admission requirements with a view to starting next academic year.

Just another though but if you did an animal related degree I’m assuming you have the capacity for science based study too? Have you considered some of the allied health professions like OT, physio or speech pathology?

What is your degree actually in? You situation is a red flag for me, but I'm seeing this as someone who's divorcing a man who's 45 and never found what he wanted to do. It's a bit soul-crushing to live with someone like that.

I get a strong feeling that he wants a house more than he wants to be with you and that probably any woman would do as long as she threw in some cash.

This is so harsh! I’m afraid when I was 25 I would not have looked twice at a man who hadn’t started down any career path yet, and had plans to possibly start more education in a couple of years.

Like a pp said, you’ll feel a huge relief once you’ve started down one track and the other options are no longer floating about. Would your degree fit with a subject to teach?

You sound smart and hardworking - otherwise you wouldn’t have got a 1st class degree. It sounds like you are indecisive though - and maybe waiting for the perfect job.

I think you need to decide whether comfort - eg job stability, reasonable salary, good work life balance are important to you, or whether you prefer having a job you love even if it doesn’t pay well or is stressful (teaching is well known for stress).

You and your boyfriend also need to decide whether you can cope with each other as a life partner with each of your priorities.

I think it’s right to be cautious about starting by another degree - it could cost a lot and land you in more debt. I did a career switch and looking on jobs websites gave me some good ideas. It also stated the skills I would need to show (could be home projects, or a few-day courses). Good luck OP!

You also don't need to be a TA before doing a PGCE, you can get straight onto one with no school experience at all. This would probably be the best option for you, so you don't waste time "building experience" and then realise that it isn't the career for you once you start the PGCE

No PGCE will take you without some classroom based experience of some sort, be it regular volunteering or a school based job.

OP - if you gave up vet nursing because of the pressure and stress then teaching probably isn’t the job for you.
a few sessions with a career coach or a counsellor would be invaluable - you don’t yet have an idea of what it is you want to do and you’re kicking the decisions further down the road.

Does he want to marry you or just get a mortgage with you and have you pay off his dream?

Figure out what YOU want and stop worrying about what your boyfriend wants. He's doing what he wants regardless of you.

Also why have you decided working with animals is no longer for you without ever actually having a job in the field?

Op, look your boyfriend wasn’t wrong and I think you need to own it and stop dithering, if you would prefer to be a career receptionist, be a career receptionist.

All the dithering over animals or kids isn’t really working for you. And I think you know the whole “I don’t want to rush it” is because fundamentally there is nothing you want to do, so it’s possibly best to stop pretending, if you thought you wished to work with animals and now don’t, just own it, say you’ve enjoyed your degree but like reception work and that’s what you’re going to do.

The issue your boyfriend raises is the part time work, it seems you always have worked part time, and I’m not sure about your degree but was it something like animal husbandry? What did it actually qualify you to do?

I suspect you feel a pressure to achieve more, because he is, your peers likely are, hence al the dithering but you need to be you and just own it.

Unfortunately if you want to earn enough to have a house deposit so soon you might have to study or work in an area less interesting to you.
However that's not your priority and it sounds like you and your BF differ in this respect. I think it's one of compatibility. Find someone with similar views!

I would suggest working backwards from where you want to be when you are 40 and planning accordingly. Assume it’s just you. No partner. Any income from a partner is just a bonus.

Is your aim to be a homeowner or are you happy renting until you retire? House or flat? How much does that cost? How much do you need to earn to achieve that?

Then decide your career options based on how best to get there. And select between those options based on what you enjoy doing.

Loads of firms have grad schemes, have you looked at any? With a first your application will stand out. They rotate jobs, so I’m two years you will have tried several roles across different teams. What did your careers team at uni say?

Oh and starting salary is around 27k - 30k

Why do you want to be a teacher?
I’m a teacher and there’s lots more to it than working with children. I‘m late 30s and know a few people, including my husband (), who decided to wait until they knew what to do, they’re still doing a form of that stop gap job now, their lightbulb moment of what to do never came!

If you have receptionist experience couldn’t you go for more of a long-term administrative or management type job, like being an EA or working in HR?

There's two separate issues here OP. Your relationship and your career path.

You and your boyfriend are clearly on different pages right now with where you want to be in life. Neither of you are wrong, just different. You don't have to rush to settle down with him. Nothing wrong with just having fun in your 20s.

With your career, there is also nothing wrong with not having a path. I didn't have a path and I felt like a failure. Well I did have a path actually, but I decided nine months into my graduate job that I hated it and walked out with no job to go to. I started a temporary job the next week, moved to another temporary job after six months and I have worked for that organisation permanently for the last 18 years. There is nothing wrong with not always striving to work harder, get up the ladder etc. There is nothing wrong with doing something you're relative happy with, that pays the bills and keeps everything ticking over.

When you're young there is a huge pressure on you to get a job, get a house, settle down and have kids. I got to 35 having done it all and then wondered what the hell i was meant to do with the rest of my life! I used to be jealous of my siblings because they had a career path and worked up along the path. My DSIS died aged 37 regretting the career oriented choices she made. My other sibling is also miserable with the pressure they're under at work and because they're not climbing up the ladder like they feel they should. Meanwhile, I'm relatively happy plodding along, bringing in enough to support our family and clocking off at 5pm every night to spend time with my family. I'm not ambitious. I do have a strong work ethic and give it my all when I'm in work. But I work to live, not the other way round.

I don't think you're ambitious either
There's lots of good advice here though
Maybe you aren't that compatible with the boyfriend

I think he might not be the man for you. If he wants to buy a house, fair enough, he can crack on. His frustration with you sounds like a 'him' problem. You do need to focus and get a bit of help deciding what to do, but on your own terms. He might decide that his timetable is more important, but better now than when you are tangled up financially and he is telling you daily over the breakfast table how hard he works.

People have different ambitions in life. I'll admit I have never been particular ambitious job wise - I want a job I enjoy and can pay the bills, with a bit of money left over. I don't want to rise to the top - I don't want the stress of it.

I think your issue is you have no idea where to go and what to do.

What was your degree in-and was it full time?
Why did you work part time before your degree?
What would you do a masters in and why would you do this rather than a PGCE if you want to teach?
What would you teach?

It’s ok for you to not have ambition but if your boyfriend wants to buy a house and settle down, whereas you want to live at home/rent whilst you decide what to do with your life, it may be that you aren’t very well-suited.

I also think there is a compatibility issue here.

The boyfriend wanting to buy a house, I guess possibly settle down, have a family at some point are all fairly normal life choices.

The ops not where he is, and is unlikely to be for the next few years, giving rise to him potentially financially supporting her if they stay together, and raises the question of if and when she wants kids, she’s already 25, talking about giving up work for study in a couple of years, which pushes her timeline further forward, then factor in kids etc.

So possibly he has to start to consider if they stay together he will have to bear the burden of shared costs, as I suspect maybe her parents are now.

He doesn’t seem to be saying she needs to be doing anything specific though, just when she was complaining about her job he gave a few home truths.

You don’t sound ambitious or like you have direction.

You don’t have to be ambitious, it’s not a requirement but some people will find your lack of ambition off putting.

Direction is more important. It doesn’t need to be a career plan but you should have a vision for where you want to be and what you need to achieve that.

I can understand why at 25 your boyfriend finds the lack of both frustrating.

Write a list of what you want your life to look like in ten years. Does it involve children and a mortgage or sitting on a beach and occasional work. Where do you want to live, what hobbies do you want to participate in, what does your friendship circle look like. You might find it helps steer you.