Boyfriend thinks I am not ambitious.

[ambioussssssssss]

I am 25. I have been to university studying a degree related to animals. I hope to go on to do a postgraduate degree in something more technical in around two years time. I just want to make sure I know what I want to do.
I find there are not really much jobs about working with animals in my area and if there are, they get tons of applications.

Before university, I had a part-time job as a receptionist.
After struggling to find a job related to animals, I have decided to go back to receptionist work but I have only been able to find work through an agency (I don't know if this is because of coronavirus or if receptionist jobs are usually hard to get?).

The past 2 weeks, I have had quite a bit of work, but today I didn't get a call.
I phoned boyfriend, who has a contracted job which is relatively well-paid and he didn't go to uni, he did an apprenticeship once he left school and has made his way up in his company. I told him that I am feeling anxious about the work situation and I am not loving zero-hour contract/temporary work and I hate the inconsistency of it.
He asked if I was still applying for jobs and I said yes (as I am). I have an interview in 2 weeks, which I feel nervous but excited about. Even if I don't get it, it's nice to get an interview.

However, I was a bit struck back by what he said. He told me he understood how rubbish agency work is and said that I must lack ambition as if I really tried hard enough, I would have a full-time job by now. I debated him with this and said it's easy for him to say in the job he has about how 'easy' it is to find a job if you have the drive.

His reasoning for saying this was that he hasn't been out of work since leaving school because he has the drive and motivation.
I don't understand why he doesn't see the ambition in me?
I left school, I worked part-time. I went to uni. I got a first-class degree. Yes if I could go back in time I would probably choose a different degree in terms of career prospects but being young, I chose what I would enjoy. But I can't think like that as it is done.

I am not on agency work and hoping to do further studies within a couple of years. But I don't want to rush into it and make a mistake.

I feel he's embarrassed by my job. When people ask what I am doing now I have left uni and I say I am doing agency work as I am finding the job market quite tough, I feel he cringes.

I'm feeling really down now. Like my life is going nowhere and that it's my fault.

I'm a zoologist, that's a "degree to do with animals". Only had 3 months unemployment in the past 32 years.

For those that think that its somehow childish, go give your head a wobble.

That said, I really think (and learned from personal experience) that the ages of 25-35 are critical in terms of career development, especially for a woman who hopes to develop a steady career before having children.

This. I think you need to ignore the bit about your boyfriend (whose desires and needs sound different) and think about what YOU want, and in particular, what direction you want to take. It feels like you chose your degree because you like animals and you are thinking about teaching because you like kids, but then you mention your aptitude for ICT.

What do you enjoy doing, often? What dull stuff are you willing to tolerate? What kind of tasks would you stay late to finish, or get a great sense of satisfaction from?
I think you need to stop thinking vaguely about nice areas and more specifically about roles and activities, because that matters more. Would you prefer to work in ICT with good employment prospects (especially as a woman, in many areas) and high attention to detail with lots of screen time? Or be on your feet all day as a teacher, getting a lot of positive interaction and chances to change lives but making up for your long school holidays with very intensive work days, challenging families and testing regimes and lack of flexibility during term time? Or with animals, even if likely to require more expense and time with no guarantee of a paying job at the end?
Maybe if you're clearer on your own priorities, it will be easier to find your next steps.

I think he’s right to question whether you have compatible goals. He is money oriented, and you sound like you’re not going to be earning a living wage for a long time.

From the way you talk I suspect you come from a comfortably-off family, can they sustain you through another decade of education and trying out different jobs, or would you be expecting the BF to fund it?

You seem to have a fear of making the wrong decision which I totally get, but if you want kids you should pick a path and get on with it, as it’s much harder to establish a career afterwards.

You call him 'boyfriend' but how serious is the relationship? Do you expect to be together, eventually get married etc. The deposit for the house - would that be one house for you both to live in as a commited couple? If that's the plan he shouldn't be expecting you to 'catch up' with saving. As a committed couple you shouldn't be all about my money/your money. You do it together.
If he isn't on that page and is expecting you to go halves on a mortgage and bills etc then sorry I would not be with him.

[quote ambioussssssssss]@Lollyneenah I'm just feeling so much pressure atm. I really feel like crying about how things have turned out. There's so much options. I'd love to work with children but I need to rack up experience for this.
And then the other part of my brain thinks I am quite good at ICT so maybe look into more technical courses.

The pressure that he wants a mortgage next year is getting to me too. I can't afford that right now. I feel lost and stressed.[/quote]
If this is too much pressure ask yourself seriously how will you cope with the pressure of being solely responsible for 30+ children?

Teacher isnt a nice cozy "low pressure, do it for the happy feels job" its brutal, high stress and high commitment.

Why did you decide vets nurse wasnt for you? Was it the pressure?

What sort of degree did you get that didn't lead you to any sort of career?

I think you are procrastinating. You need to make a decision one way or the other and stop drifting along waiting for your true calling to strike you- that doesn't happen for many of us.

I know a number of bright people who do degrees and get good results but then drift and totally waste their potential. Your boyfriend has a point I think.

Your boyfriend was unkind. If he wants to buy a house he can! If he would like to live with you, and vice versa, you could get a legal cohabitation agreement. Or just continue dating.

The masters idea does sound like pie in the sky, as you’re not clear yet what you might like to do. You could try to pick up temporary work doing a range of things to try things out, volunteer etc.

OP, take your boyfriends comment as constructive criticism. He sounds very focused, you seem to lack that focus as you haven’t quite decided what you want to do yet. Your pace is totally your choice, beat in mind that the two of you won’t be compatible. Also don’t just do a postgrad as a proxy for not knowing your direction to travel, too many people fall into the trap for studying forever and having no real life growth experience in one area.

I can see why he said what he did, but I agree with a pp that you're lacking in direction.

If I had my career sorted like your BF has and I was with a guy who didn't quite know what he wanted like you... I'm not sure I'd continue with the relationship tbh...it just wouldn't work for me.

If you just finished uni this year, then you didn't go straight from A levels dud you?....and in those 3/4 years before Uni, one might have thought you would have put more thought into your chosen degree.

There are so many degrees out there and considering the huge debt you come out with, I'm amazed ppl don't think about their employment prospects after completion.

Have you looked at all the things you could do with your degree? Or don't you want to work with animals anymore.

This might be useful
www.prospects.ac.uk/careers-advice/what-can-i-do-with-my-degree

You keep saying you don't want to rush things ...you want to do a masters in 2 years time... you'll be 28/29 when you finish...and still won't have established a career.

At 28/29 you'll be inexperienced in your chosen field after the
masters and only get an entry level job in that area ... how long till you're earning decent money?

You can't go back in time, but you need focus and get some direction going forwards.

I agree with your boyfriend too.

Not sure why you keep saying you don't want to rush, you're 25! You need to make a decision and work out a path to get you where you want to be. It could take you 3-4 years to get to where you want to be with your career.

It's all very well saying you're not motivated by money, but how are you planning to live?

I wouldn't want a partner who was riding on my shirt tails. Are you expecting to move into the house your boyfriend is buying? If you are, how are you planning to contribute to the bills? You need to be aware that your lack of earning a decent wage could be a dealbreaker for your boyfriend - I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a partner to have a similar wage - and there is nothing more off-putting than a partner who doesn't pull their weight financially (not to mention a partner who can't afford to do anything).

You've decided that working with animals wasn't for you, now you want to work with children - fine, go and work with children, but rather than going for a TA role - which is ridiculously competitive and grossly underpaid - go and do your PGCE and become a teacher.

Stop wasting time and get on with it.

But spending more time and money on further study seems inadviseable unless there’s a clear route to jobs.

Why not do vetinary nursing anyway, if that’s what you trained for? Most of us don’t do our ideal job.

I think you need to narrow down your possibilities a bit before deciding what to do next, but with the current job market and Brexit looming, you do need to make a plan for getting that consistent and sufficiently well paid work you are hoping for. Before that, though, I’d just give a word of caution - don’t tie yourself to buying a house before you know what you want to be working in and where that work is. No point in setting up home in Cardiff if you find that your line of work is specialised in somewhere like Cambridge. I’d be very wary of being pushed into anything just because your boyfriend is ready to buy a place.

So, advice. It would be much easier to help if you told us what your degree is in.

When you say you want to teach, do you mean at secondary level? If so, you need to consider if your degree subject is taught to GCSE or A level, to get an idea of what sort of demand there might be for you. You could go straight into the classroom with Teach First, or go for the PGCE - though that would have to be next year now, so you’re going to have to find something useful to do for pretty well a year.

Is there any branch of your degree study which you would be interested in following up at higher degree level? Would you be interested in research science, for instance? Or a funded PhD? Look at postgraduate study at a range of universities and see if anything appeals to you for which you’d be qualified.

Definitely don’t pay for postgrad study unless you know what you want to do with the second degree, and are sure that the qualification is the path into that work.

Good luck making a plan, and getting where you want to be.

@VodselForDinner

I’m glad to see others also see the boyfriend’s POV.

I think if the sexes were reversed and a woman was talking about her boyfriend temping because he did a degree that had limited employment opportunities, and then wanted to spend more time doing a masters to get a low paid job while she worked and saved towards a mortgage, it’d be a different story.

This exactly

My goal in life is not about money but I want consistency and a steady income and to be happy in my job.

This stuck out to me. Lots of jobs and career paths will get you a steady income so that alone means nothing. Being happy is meaningless too if you can’t define what key elements of work and what career and workplace values make you happy.

Until you figure this out then yes, you are lacking ambition / direction/ drive whatever you want to call it.

25 is young but it’s less young for a woman than it is for a man. So don’t rush things but also be very aware that if you’re planning on having children by a certain age, let’s say 33, you will have wanted to started in your chosen career by 28 so that you have at least 5 years of solid progression in your chosen career. This will give you a little more flexibility when you return to work and better earning prospects long term. That said - I know a few women who had children young and then started a successful career post children - that way round is significantly harder but can be just as (if not more) rewarding.

My favourite quote recently is “take your time but don’t waste your time”. I think this is very apt to your situation right now.

My DNs friend was like you. She was living with her BF...renting together. He wanted to buy a house and she had no deposit to bring to the table. He has a fair amount for a deposit and she was just hoping to move in with him.

She wasn't earning much, but really wanted to get married. He ended the relationship recently, because he says he felt he'd be carrying her financially and it was to much pressure for him.

She was devastated, but I totally saw his POV and I wouldn't want a DS of mine to marry someone in that position.

Stop worrying! I did a media degree and finished uni at 21! Worked in retail for a few years while at uni and afterwards - saved up and basically travelled around the world for 5 years working various bar jobs/retail jobs / teaching English - was so much fun and regret none of it

Took me a while to find my feet when I returned home - no idea what job I wanted to do - eventually fell into office management and now I’m super experienced in it and am doing a course in accountancy that my job is paying for and I study evenings and weekends! I’ve actually done quite well - I’m 32 now - it took me a while to get there!

I did heaps of temp jobs, maternity contracts etc until I ended up finding something “proper”

I wouldn’t advise going back doing matters though - I’d concentrate on getting some more work experience / more permanent job

Sounds like you and your boyfriend are in different places in life and that’s fine - but maybe not compatible?

Tbh you don’t sound ambitious to me either. You’re 25 and only just graduated. You said you worked part time before uni, which must’ve been for several years. Why only part time? Now you’re dithering about what to do next.
It’s time to make a decision OP

I don’t think your bf is being unreasonable.
He is mid 20s, he has a long term gf, a steady job in something he has trained in.

The obvious next step is house, then marriage and children.

Whilst your timeline doesn’t seem to match.

I presume you worked from 18-22 then did 3 years at uni till you were 25 then in a couple of years you want to return to education and do a masters when you are 27 so you will be 28/29 when you finish.

What then?

What will this master degree give you that your first class degree didn’t.

What do you hope to achieve.

I am thinking about doing a masters in something related to children, or maybe joining a TA agency to get some school experience to go on to do a PGCE.
But I don't want to rush. I need to rack up experience

Stop thinking about things and start doing.
You can join a TA agency with very little experience.
Why aren’t you joining.

Why aren’t you in a rush.
Why aren’t you racking up experience.

I do think you need to start putting your skates on and making decisions for now and not some airy idea of what you might like to do in a few years time.

What is your timeline for your life.

Do you want to buy?
Do you want children?
Do you want a steady career?

Instead of looking back over your decisions with regret and continuing to waft along making the same decisions or just putting off making any decisions I think you have to decide what ideals can be let go of and what exactly you want to do from now with the experience and qualifications you have now.

You can still do another qualification if it is relevant to your career alongside work but don’t fall into the historic pattern of putting things off till you have done something else.

Interested to know if you are thinking of doing a Masters in 2 years what exactly will you be doing for the next 2 years and if you want to do teacher training why do you need the masters.

You don't have to buy a house with him. Tell him that you don't think his schedule is going to work for you and he should buy one on his own, then you have a bit of breathing room.

You also don't need to be a TA before doing a PGCE, you can get straight onto one with no school experience at all. This would probably be the best option for you, so you don't waste time "building experience" and then realise that it isn't the career for you once you start the PGCE.

What is your degree actually in?

@ambioussssssssss

I'm so glad I posted this as you have all got me thinking. I chose to study animals as I just loved animals. When I was 18, I wanted to be a veterinary nurse. Over time, I just found this wasn't the career for me. I would love to look into teaching but in order to get onto a PGCE, I'll need to work within schools which is why I think the TA agencies seem idea and maybe I can do receptionist work alongside it.

So ,when you get your PGCE, what would you actually teach?

If you like being a receptionist why not take that path? Go from there to office/hotel administrator roles and into management?

You always seem to go back to being a receptionist and it doesn't need to be a temp job.

I think you need a new boyfriend...

He loves money. You love life. Don't rush in to settling down with him. If he wants to buy a house then well done to him. Don't buy a house with someone you are not a good match with. If you marry/have children then you may end up doing agency work forever, what's so wrong about that? Don't be with someone who makes you feel 'less than'.

You have absolutely no catching up to do. You are exactly where you need to be.

...But maybe you need to be on your own for a bit x

Your first degree can now be a stepping stone as it can't get you an animal related career. Why be a TA with an agency when a post grad in Teaching would be quicker? It's all very tentative reading your post . Is it a confidence issue? I feel your partner isn't helpful & seems to be putting you down instead of giving you that encouragement to go for it. You can still fulfill your love of animals by volunteers work or fostering at your local rescue. Making a definite decision will be a relief. Treading water in limbo isnt helping. I think you need to take the plunge. It's not lack of ambition btw it's just being uncertain & needing an alternative that's right for you.

The scenario of your boyfriend wanting to buy a house and wanting you to contribute sounds very unromantic. Have you actually talked about committing to each other that way, or is it all about practicalities? I get a strong feeling that he wants a house more than he wants to be with you and that probably any woman would do as long as she threw in some cash.

You say yourself jobs with animals are few and far between. Why would you continue down that road knowing to get a job in that field would be few and far between. You dont sound ambitious to me. But it's actually ok not to be