Boyfriend thinks I am not ambitious.

[ambioussssssssss]

I am 25. I have been to university studying a degree related to animals. I hope to go on to do a postgraduate degree in something more technical in around two years time. I just want to make sure I know what I want to do.
I find there are not really much jobs about working with animals in my area and if there are, they get tons of applications.

Before university, I had a part-time job as a receptionist.
After struggling to find a job related to animals, I have decided to go back to receptionist work but I have only been able to find work through an agency (I don't know if this is because of coronavirus or if receptionist jobs are usually hard to get?).

The past 2 weeks, I have had quite a bit of work, but today I didn't get a call.
I phoned boyfriend, who has a contracted job which is relatively well-paid and he didn't go to uni, he did an apprenticeship once he left school and has made his way up in his company. I told him that I am feeling anxious about the work situation and I am not loving zero-hour contract/temporary work and I hate the inconsistency of it.
He asked if I was still applying for jobs and I said yes (as I am). I have an interview in 2 weeks, which I feel nervous but excited about. Even if I don't get it, it's nice to get an interview.

However, I was a bit struck back by what he said. He told me he understood how rubbish agency work is and said that I must lack ambition as if I really tried hard enough, I would have a full-time job by now. I debated him with this and said it's easy for him to say in the job he has about how 'easy' it is to find a job if you have the drive.

His reasoning for saying this was that he hasn't been out of work since leaving school because he has the drive and motivation.
I don't understand why he doesn't see the ambition in me?
I left school, I worked part-time. I went to uni. I got a first-class degree. Yes if I could go back in time I would probably choose a different degree in terms of career prospects but being young, I chose what I would enjoy. But I can't think like that as it is done.

I am not on agency work and hoping to do further studies within a couple of years. But I don't want to rush into it and make a mistake.

I feel he's embarrassed by my job. When people ask what I am doing now I have left uni and I say I am doing agency work as I am finding the job market quite tough, I feel he cringes.

I'm feeling really down now. Like my life is going nowhere and that it's my fault.

And then the other part of my brain thinks I am quite good at ICT so maybe look into more technical courses.

While lots of people will encourage you to think about what you want to do, work with animals, teach etc I would encourage you to also think about what skills you have / can acquire that are in very high demand.

Good ICT skills can be brilliant for that. Schools are crying out for ICT, so you could easily still become a teacher. You would also have a lot of other possibilities opening up.

Anyone offering technical training will also be very keen to find people with the right potential. Look out for some aptitude tests. There are lots online to give you an idea of what to expect. If you do have the aptitude, there will be lots of different roles for you.

It is much more satisfying to be in demand, to have your pick of jobs, than to be one of many chasing a few roles. It's also one of the few areas left where you can expect to have continuing training unpaid for through your working life.

IT jobs can be really interesting, very well paid and easy for the right people to get.

Enjoy.

Sounds like you're not sure what you want to do. You say teaching but often that's because you don't know what you want to do and teaching is something you know as you've just finished schooling yourself. Why do a postgrad in a few years? It'll be harder the longer you leave it.

You need to research what you want to do. Do you want to be involved with veterinary, husbandry, medical research, zoo keeper, pet sitter, Forces, police, RSPCA? There are many options.

What postgrad qualification and to what end? Often people float into PG probably because it's what you know - think things through

When you go to your interview you may he asked about your aspirations so you'll need to have something sensible to say

Good luck. Someone mentioned 25 is a baby, yes, very young, but you'll need to get into gear rather than floating around on a zero hours contract in a job you don't want to find yourself doing in 20 years time because you're still considering what to do

Sorry but I'd agree you lack both ambition and direction. You're coasting. You've had years since you graduated to sort something out but you have fallen into agency work because it's easy and puts off you having to make an actual decision.

Most people leave university and don't end up doing anything remotely related to what they studied.

I wouldn't bother doing a post grad unless it's going to lead to an actual career otherwise you are just putting off work with another couple of years worth of academia - all the whilst your boyfriend is beating the brunt of financial responsibility in your relationship

OP said she had an interview in 2 weeks - I wonder what job that was for? If you don’t get the job but it’s an area you want to work in could you offer to volunteer one day a week. I got my first opportunity in my chosen career by volunteering in the area I wanted to work in. Only took 6 months to be offered a permanent post.

Yes, 25 is young, but conversely, by 25 I’d got a degree, PGCE, taught for 3 years, got married, had a baby and we were on our second mortgage. I think you need to stop thinking about what you might love to do and start actually doing it.

If being undecided is making you feel so stressed you feel like crying, I’m not sure that teaching is the job for you.

I think it is more like you are lacking direction than ambition. It also sounds like you would never have the type of ambition that your boyfriend has anyway, even if you found your direction.

I think you could try to set out some clear goals for yourself and need to stop with the “not rushing things”. You are 25, you aren’t rushing anything, on the contrary.

At the moment it sounds like you are going to potter on with uncertain agency work for two years, then go back to studying hoping that will fix everything? Do you really think it will, I am not so sure myself. Personally I think you would be better off making a decision about what path to take and start it now, possibly getting into employment rather than more studying. I think the idea of studying something else in a couple of years could leave you being nearly 30 with very little solid employment experience.

Doing a masters in a few years may just end up leaving you in large amounts of debt and still unqualified for a career.

When you say this

Yes if I could go back in time I would probably choose a different degree in terms of career prospects but being young, I chose what I would enjoy

How old were you when you chose this degree? Most people are 17/18-were you older?

He's a dick. You do your own plan and don't feel like it's not enough, just because you're not getting ahead in the rat race. You're only 25 - even at 35 my advice personally would be the same. Success is not about ticking boxes society and the big working machine of mediocrity has created. The working with animals idea seems lovely and may be truly rewarding. Eventually you will get there. Lots of people are unable to do what they have planned at the moment - even the truly gifted ones in their field. It's nothing to do with you. You are doing your best.

I think people are giving you a hard time on here. Talk about knocking someone when they're down!

I don't think you sound like you lack ambition. You just sound like you have no idea what to do next, which I think a hell of a lot of people can relate to.

Also your boyfriend sounds like a tit. It's one thing for him to think it, but another for him to actually say it!

OP please don't worry about lack of direction at this stage, you're so young! I graduated at 21 (STEM degree from an RG uni) and had no idea what I wanted to do. I did a lot of internships in all sorts of industries and lots of agency PA and receptionist work before eventually deciding on a career path a full 5 years later at the grand age of 26. Now I'm in a very senior role and earning a very decent salary. Taking your time to decide on a path does not indicate lack of ambition. You'll get there!

When I was younger I alway wanted to be a doctor and then specialise in neurosurgery.

However I did a week stint as work experience and hated it because I learnt thays not the lifestyle I want, the hours, stress the continual exams and studying. No thank you.

At 25 I would flip it on its head and say what kind of life do I want e.g. do I want to have a job that doesn't take up my evenings and weekends, would I like to have the option to retire early and to do that I need to earn money so need to go for a sector where high paying jobs are.

Its all well and good wanting a iob you enjoy but I think you need to start being abit more practical.

You say money isn't something high on your list but when you want to do 1-3 holidays a year, have a nice car, go out to nice places you need money. When you retire do you want to be living in poverty or be a person who doesn't have to worry about heating bills and can still go on holidays.

I think your bf is being quite sensible having goals in place to achieve e.g. buying a house, that way not renting and has an asset.

You need to start being more decisive.

@MyOwnSummer

Hang on OP, what makes you think you can't get a mortgage or that your savings have to be equal?

If he has, for example, £20k towards a deposit and you have £5k, that isn't a problem - you just have a solicitor draw up a Deed of Trust so that your respective contributions are ring-fenced. Let's say that the theoretical house is priced at £250k. Together you have a deposit of 10% of the value. Of that 10%, he is contributing 8% of the total value and you are contributing 2% of the total value. That can be recognized in the legal document so each of you gets a fair share when the house is sold, providing you purchase the house as Tenants in Common (rather than Joint Tenants).

If he is in stable, well paid employment it shouldn't be an issue for the two of you to go on the mortgage - many couples have one partner who is a stay at home parent or works part time, etc. Mortgage companies are used to this scenario.

Mortgage payments are usually cheaper than rent. As long as you can agree with your BF what a fair split of the mortgage costs will be, this isn't going to be an issue.

Have you actually looked into what you can afford?

But she is not a stay at home parent. I wouldn't go and buy house with an adult who is "thinking about looking into a different career" and has no ambition and drive and no guaranteed income, unless he was a stay at home dad to our children.

That said. Everyone goes through life with different speed and not everyone has 'the drive'. Which is fine. We can't all be the same. But. It means that some couples will simply be incompatible. A person with drive and ambition will not be happy with the opposite usually. And vice versa. That's just life.

He’s an arse.

Some of these responses are so harsh. Loads of people don't know what they want to do at that age.
What I would advise OP is at least getting a full time job and away from zero contract agency work. Even if it's not a job you particularly want to do, you will have more steady income. Build up savings, pay into a pension, enjoy holidays, going out etc. 25 is still young.
As others have said, it sounds like you lack direction but I would at least try to get a full time job until something really 'clicks' for you.

It really depends on where you live, working with animals near me is very profitable. Loads of different industries in agriculture or domestic, tonnes of work in grooming and walking dogs. Lots of self employed women doing it as well.

I would not be considering changing careers completely if you have a degree in something you enjoy.

I think lacking ambition is the wrong word.

I think you lack direction you are so frightened of making the wrong decision you aren’t making any.

You have to make a list of what you need to achieve that day so you can start to move forward.
Look into getting someone to go through career options for you.

If you want to Jon a TA agency then join one.

Dd (much younger and less qualified) lost her main business over lockdown. (Hoping to get it back but that is another story that involves solicitors). She looked around this week for alternative sources of income and heard about TA agency work. That was Yesterday. She didn’t spend time thinking about it. She just did it. She is now on the books of a TA agency.
She already had a standard DBS check and is just waiting for her extended DBS to be processed. (Should be there by next week)

It isn’t a huge deal. You just do it.

Someone said about working back from 40 and where you want to be.

Do you want children, a career, how long would you be in your career before considering children.
What do you actually need for the chosen career.

I think you have to come to terms with the fact that you might never have an epiphany about your perfect career.

Atm you are closeted against having to grow up and pay bills and do jobs you don’t want to do because I am presuming you live at home with your parents and have time for fanciful ideas about what you can do in the future.
But you are 25 and it seems like you are kicking the decisions down the road. Everything seems to be a few years away.
Everything is about thinking about things.

Nothing is about doing.

Am I right in thinking you worked in a similar type work (p/t zero hours contract receptionist/office work) before your degree and didn’t have a clue/plan what to do apart from something to do with animals.

Then you did your degree and returned to the work you were doing prior to uni which you are planning to do for the next 2/3 years before you do your masters.

Then what?
At getting on for 30 what will change.

Why have you only just graduated if you’re 25. Maybe he thinks you don’t want to get a job and would rather study for years.
I suppose the problem is you seem to want to do several things. It’s define not easy when you’re unsure. What does work with animals mean exactly. Do you mean a vet nurse or do you mean opening a dog grooming place. It covers a massive range of jobs.

Sorry I agree with BF - you lack ambition abs direction. You did a degree based on a hobby (liking and being around animals) - I’m going to guess not a veterinary degree? Because if so - you wouldn’t have had an issue with jobs. You say in a few years you vaguely want to continue studies - with what money?

Then you go on to say you love children so might look into that - that’s so far removed from your vet job/working with animals/vet nurse - it sounds to your bf that you’re just jumping from one thing to another - no clear path, no direction. He doesn’t want to carry you (because financially he will have to). You’re just not on the same page unfortunately OP. Stop thinking about doing things and dithering - you’re wasting time. Just make your mind up and work towards that. Sorry.

The scenario of your boyfriend wanting to buy a house and wanting you to contribute sounds very unromantic.

Sorry, are you suggesting she pay nothing with the boyfriend picking up all the financial stress?

The scenario of your boyfriend wanting to buy a house and wanting you to contribute sounds very unromantic

Isn’t this just called moving a relationship on to the next step.

Strange post. What would be romantic? Him buying a castle and keeping op like her parents do till she decides what she wants to do before she is of retirement age.

At some point for most people who are in long term relationships they will decide to live together and rent a place and/or decide to buy a home and that involves sharing savings and mortgage payments.

To be fair to the boyfriend, according to OP he hasn’t said a word about living together. It’s her assumption that it’s related to him having a deposit and planning to buy next year. That could be a fair assumption - but the timing is equally likely to be that OP finished uni this year, and is now looking for jobs in earnest.

Try not to get too stressed OP. We're all fed this line from school age that we have to get on the ladder and be ambitious and seek for more the whole time but it's all bollocks really. Try a few different things if you can and the right thing to do will probably become clear as you go. I used to like temping on reception because you got to experience lots of different sorts of businesses. In TV tonnes of people that start on reception go into production, for example. I wouldn't worry about "coming across as unambitious" to him or anyone, just keep doing you and thinking about what will make you feel fullfiled and content. There's no rush

Does your boyfriend think that ambition = earning lots of money so you can contribute equal amounts to this mortgage?
Are you panicking about "I must have a well paid job because how will I be able to afford to pay him".
If the plan is for you two to live together as a couple then he should be supporting you - emotionally and financially if that's what is needed.
You sound lost in a world of 'careers'. Not everyone needs a career. Working part time is a rare freedom to be able to have time to do volunteer work.
If you want to work with animals then there are plenty of volunteer things you could do from helping at a rescue centre, helping at a 'food bank' for people that need support for feeding their pets because their financial circumstances have changed, being a volunteer dog walker. There is a theme park in Northamptonshire that has animals. At the beginning of lock down they had financial problems and staff lost their jobs. But the animals still needed looking after so people did it voluntary.
If he wants a serious long term relationship with you then he shouldn't be insisting you must have a full time career. He should be supporting you in what you choose to do. So if that is working part time in something that is 'just a job' (but being happy there) but also spending time being an unpaid busy and enthusiastic person in the community who is making a difference to society then that should be good enough.
As long as have enough money from his work + your part time work combined to afford the mortgage etc then he should be supporting you in figuring out what you want from life.
If he doesn't want to do that - then I wouldn't want to be with him.

@Hangingover if times of people in TV move from reception there to production, do you not think that’s because it was their ambition to be in TV production that led them to make the choices to get them into reception work in a TV related company?

If OP was saying she didn’t know what she wanted to do, so reception temping was a deliberate choice to get a variety of experience, I’d completely agree with you.

But if she wants to teach, then it would be better for her to think about what “ambitious” looks like - like a PP’s daughter, it doesn’t look like thinking about a TA agency. It looks like registering with them!