Boyfriend thinks I am not ambitious.

[ambioussssssssss]

I am 25. I have been to university studying a degree related to animals. I hope to go on to do a postgraduate degree in something more technical in around two years time. I just want to make sure I know what I want to do.
I find there are not really much jobs about working with animals in my area and if there are, they get tons of applications.

Before university, I had a part-time job as a receptionist.
After struggling to find a job related to animals, I have decided to go back to receptionist work but I have only been able to find work through an agency (I don't know if this is because of coronavirus or if receptionist jobs are usually hard to get?).

The past 2 weeks, I have had quite a bit of work, but today I didn't get a call.
I phoned boyfriend, who has a contracted job which is relatively well-paid and he didn't go to uni, he did an apprenticeship once he left school and has made his way up in his company. I told him that I am feeling anxious about the work situation and I am not loving zero-hour contract/temporary work and I hate the inconsistency of it.
He asked if I was still applying for jobs and I said yes (as I am). I have an interview in 2 weeks, which I feel nervous but excited about. Even if I don't get it, it's nice to get an interview.

However, I was a bit struck back by what he said. He told me he understood how rubbish agency work is and said that I must lack ambition as if I really tried hard enough, I would have a full-time job by now. I debated him with this and said it's easy for him to say in the job he has about how 'easy' it is to find a job if you have the drive.

His reasoning for saying this was that he hasn't been out of work since leaving school because he has the drive and motivation.
I don't understand why he doesn't see the ambition in me?
I left school, I worked part-time. I went to uni. I got a first-class degree. Yes if I could go back in time I would probably choose a different degree in terms of career prospects but being young, I chose what I would enjoy. But I can't think like that as it is done.

I am not on agency work and hoping to do further studies within a couple of years. But I don't want to rush into it and make a mistake.

I feel he's embarrassed by my job. When people ask what I am doing now I have left uni and I say I am doing agency work as I am finding the job market quite tough, I feel he cringes.

I'm feeling really down now. Like my life is going nowhere and that it's my fault.

Which is why one of the first things I suggested that needs to be done is talk to the boyfriend to actually establish how committed he wants the relationship to be.

So, if he’s really committed, she is fine to do voluntary and agency work for the foreseeable, but if he isn’t, she should get a permanent job pronto?

@ambioussssssssss

I wouldn't choose my life to be this way. I am looking for jobs. I am thinking about doing a masters in something related to children, or maybe joining a TA agency to get some school experience to go on to do a PGCE. But I don't want to rush. I need to rack up experience. But it's all bad timing with coronavirus.

This reallly is about life goals . You are not driven by money and status and your boyfriend is. This could be a problem particularly if the person who is driven by money and status does not value the qualities brought to the relationship by the other person In the future if you were to have children , two driven status orientated people will have problems too in deciding who will sacrifice some of that ( if anyone) for an easier family life

You really need to talk about this as two people with very different life goals and view need to be good communicators and be willing to compromise to have a successful relationship. You both need to see the values of the other person as something to respect or it won't work long-term

@bookmum08

I guess none of you have ever felt so overwhelmed and helpless and alone and unsure of what you want to do with life or how to get there and achieve it. You are all clearly so perfect and had your lives and careers planned out from the age of ten. Well done. All of you. Big round of applause. Whoo hoo to you all.

Actually I feel like I have lost out as I didn’t have an idea of what I wanted to do in life, as a career. But I never stopped working.

You are not driven by money and status and your boyfriend is

Working full time, saving for a house, is fairly normal behaviour and it’s very odd to classify it as driven by money and status. People do it to pay their bills and have a roof over their heads.

Very few peoooe have the luxury of not doing so, unless they claim benefits, live off their parents or a partner.

To say you’re driven by money and status because you don’t wish to do that, is very odd.

I assume you’d tell anyone as they trudged to work so they could pay their bills that they are driven by money and status? Because most of them would laugh in your face. And there is no difference between them snd the boyfriend,

A home = money and status. Really?

A home = money and status. Really?

There seems to be a deliberate attempt by some on here to conflate 'having your shit together' with being 'ruthless money driven high flyer'.

99.9999% of the world work to keep a roof over their head and food on their table. It’s the most basic condition of life.

Why does OP feel she should be exempt from this, and lady of leisure at 25? And how is a man who refuses to support this being moneyhungry or driven by material things?

If the definition of driven by material things is don’t want to end up unemployed, want to achieve a stable living position, then I think it’s a pretty good instinct to have!

@DillonPanthersTexas

A home = money and status. Really?

There seems to be a deliberate attempt by some on here to conflate 'having your shit together' with being 'ruthless money driven high flyer'.

Oh my god this!!

Not everyone has to be CEO, but everyone has to pull their weight and pay their way. How can this be controversial?

How is the boyfriend 'driven by money and status'?

Not everyone wants a 3 bed house in the burbs with 2.4 children at public school and a Labrador while the husband works as an accountant and the wife plays tennis (Some people do) and not saying the boyfriend does or not

And yes to some people ' I will be a acrobat this week, next week I will work in advertising, the week after a pilot' that is being flighty but if you can change careers frequently but still pay your bills, rent, car etc then go for it.

But if a couple is that different there is no right or wrong just different so not saying the op is flighty nor the boyfriend is a money hungry piranha but i am learning that men are the enemy it seems

@ambioussssssssss

Yes my boyfriend and I are quite different in terms of our ethics and goals, but we do get on really well but I think he has issue with my work.

Then I really don't think you're compatible long term.

Your partner should be helping you figure out transferable skills and seeing where your interests lie, encouraging you, not putting you down, just because you're not doing the same as him.

I do think you're doing right to figure out what will be most satisfying and rewarding for you. Don't ever just settle for something you're not bothered about. You have a lot of working years ahead of you; who wants to dread getting up to go to work every morning.

And yes to some people ' I will be a acrobat this week, next week I will work in advertising, the week after a pilot' that is being flighty but if you can change careers frequently but still pay your bills, rent, car etc then go for it

But in this case she can’t pay her bills. She has no money for rent, cars etc She has no hope of doing any of that before she is at least mid to late 30s
She is wasting so much of her life procrastinating and thinking instead of doing

As I said upthread dd signed up to a TA agency. Not because it is her life long dream to work with children but because if we lock down again then schools are the thing that could possibly remain open.
From searching and talking to people it took her less than 24 hours to sign up and is just waiting on her extended dbs to come through which should take only a few days.

If dd was thinking of going into teaching then it would take maybe to a week next Friday to see if it was something she wanted to do.

It doesn’t involve a lot of thinking you just need to do.

I really want to know why ambitioussss doesn’t just do it and is spending time thinking about something that could be tried in a couple of weeks and if she likes it great that could give her the direction she needs and if she doesn’t then she can stop thinking about teaching and move on and stop wasting her time

He sounds like an arse.

Why does the bf sound like an arse?

He is just voicing what I think her parents should be telling her.

At 25 not only has she never had anything more than p/t agency work before and after university. She doesn’t even seem to want to work or try to find a direction.
All she wants to do is think about her future and maybe go back to education in a few years time.

The problem is her future is looking more and more unstable.

My own dd does a lot of agency work. There is nothing wrong with it but depending on the work she is working the equivalent of a 48-72 hour week.
Before lockdown she was going from job to job. Sometimes doing 3 jobs in a day.

Just working p/t in agency work is going to get you no where unless you marry the MD

I think he has issue with my work

I think most people would have an issue.

I would hate for my daughter to be underemployed and drifting at 25.

I would hate for my son to be in a relationship with someone who could be a financial burden to him, and hold him back.

This isn’t about your boyfriend. Boyfriends come and go. Don’t rely on them for security.

You need to stand on your own two feet.

Cannot see at all why the boyfriend is getting such a slating.

Ridiculous

He's a male, nothing a male does passes muster on here i have found

@MarthasGinYard

Cannot see at all why the boyfriend is getting such a slating.

Ridiculous

I know, right? How dare he have healthy boundaries by refusing to pay for a 25 year old’s lifestyle choice.

Wow. What a nasty place mumsnet is.
This is OP and I was not going to come back to this site but I have decided to after how some of the posters are.
I have had to create a new account as I can't remember my other account password.

People on this site are really judgemental.
Where has everyone got this impression that I am lazy and want to live the 'lady of leisure' life.

I have mentioned that I am applying for jobs and i have an interview coming up. I am not just lounging about at home doing nothing.
I have had agency work the past 2 weeks and I didn't have agency work the other day so panicked, told my boyfriend and posted here.
But I have had agency work the past couple of days.

I am sorry that I have just not finished Uni (which I finished this year!!) and walked into a secure job.
Loads of people are being made redundant and losing their job, do you call them lazy if they can;t just walk into another?
What about supply teachers? Are they good for nothing scroungers?

And it's shameful of some of you to say you would be embarrassed if you're children were like me. My parents are very supportive and understand how tough times are.

Yes I have done an animal degree and i don't want to work with children anymore. Nor am I going to feel pressured to find my path just because "other 25 year olds do it".
I am applying for receptionist roles and I will see where life takes me.
Sorry I am not the perfect person like some of you seem to be.

I'm not coming back as this place has been so nasty and please remember mental health and suicide rates are a thing when people are so nasty about other people. Reading this thread so many people have made me feel worthless just because I haven;t found my path. I am trying to find a job - it is not easy. I'm sure some of you were spouting the "be kind" message in Feb.
Bye.

*don't want to work with animals anymore

You know. If the male is expected to "support" his female partner (as is obvious from the thread)...
What happens in relationship with same sex?
Do both males work? Do both females don't? Do they draw a straw and loser works ft? 😱

Quite

And as for the seeing how serious the 'relationship' is, so she can at 25 depend on him forever, and become a reliant extension of him....how ridiculous.

Thought I'd been transported back in time.

Well x posted I see...

And never ever did I say I was living off my boyfriend.
I have a couple of thousand saved (not enough for a mortgage) from my previous agency receptionist work. I said part-time in the sense it was temporary but I was working plenty of hours in the week before I went to uni and I have never asked my boyfriend for anything, sometimes long-term.
So many people have presumed I live off my boyfriend when I expect handouts from nobody.
I don't even know why this debate has started about me living off my boyfriend

Yes my boyfriend and I are quite different in terms of our ethics and goals

This is a red flag for me. If you’re not aligned in ethics, this could cause some major issues down the line. I’m not sure you’re compatible.