Boyfriend thinks I am not ambitious.

[ambioussssssssss]

I am 25. I have been to university studying a degree related to animals. I hope to go on to do a postgraduate degree in something more technical in around two years time. I just want to make sure I know what I want to do.
I find there are not really much jobs about working with animals in my area and if there are, they get tons of applications.

Before university, I had a part-time job as a receptionist.
After struggling to find a job related to animals, I have decided to go back to receptionist work but I have only been able to find work through an agency (I don't know if this is because of coronavirus or if receptionist jobs are usually hard to get?).

The past 2 weeks, I have had quite a bit of work, but today I didn't get a call.
I phoned boyfriend, who has a contracted job which is relatively well-paid and he didn't go to uni, he did an apprenticeship once he left school and has made his way up in his company. I told him that I am feeling anxious about the work situation and I am not loving zero-hour contract/temporary work and I hate the inconsistency of it.
He asked if I was still applying for jobs and I said yes (as I am). I have an interview in 2 weeks, which I feel nervous but excited about. Even if I don't get it, it's nice to get an interview.

However, I was a bit struck back by what he said. He told me he understood how rubbish agency work is and said that I must lack ambition as if I really tried hard enough, I would have a full-time job by now. I debated him with this and said it's easy for him to say in the job he has about how 'easy' it is to find a job if you have the drive.

His reasoning for saying this was that he hasn't been out of work since leaving school because he has the drive and motivation.
I don't understand why he doesn't see the ambition in me?
I left school, I worked part-time. I went to uni. I got a first-class degree. Yes if I could go back in time I would probably choose a different degree in terms of career prospects but being young, I chose what I would enjoy. But I can't think like that as it is done.

I am not on agency work and hoping to do further studies within a couple of years. But I don't want to rush into it and make a mistake.

I feel he's embarrassed by my job. When people ask what I am doing now I have left uni and I say I am doing agency work as I am finding the job market quite tough, I feel he cringes.

I'm feeling really down now. Like my life is going nowhere and that it's my fault.

I have a feeling if you ditched the unsupportive boyfriend, your self esteem would rocket and you would soon find your way jobwise. Probably a lot faster.
Just a hunch.

@bookmum08

I guess none of you have ever felt so overwhelmed and helpless and alone and unsure of what you want to do with life or how to get there and achieve it. You are all clearly so perfect and had your lives and careers planned out from the age of ten. Well done. All of you. Big round of applause. Whoo hoo to you all.

I have. I think that describes almost anyone at some stage in there life. The difference is:

1: I did it while working full time and supporting myself

2: I either dealt with it or sought professional help to deal with it

Hence why it didn’t end up characterising a decade of my life

Well I did that too. I just needed a bit of emotional support to get me there. Which I got from my supportive husband. And my parents. And through professional (is NHS) help. I have had very little personal financial support.

@bookmum08

I guess none of you have ever felt so overwhelmed and helpless and alone and unsure of what you want to do with life or how to get there and achieve it. You are all clearly so perfect and had your lives and careers planned out from the age of ten. Well done. All of you. Big round of applause. Whoo hoo to you all.

I went through this abroad actually. With everyone thousands of miles away. Still had to work fulltime, to "support" myself.

Most people have this time in their life. Doesn't mean that it's not frustrating for their close ones if it drags on.

@bookmum08

I guess none of you have ever felt so overwhelmed and helpless and alone and unsure of what you want to do with life or how to get there and achieve it. You are all clearly so perfect and had your lives and careers planned out from the age of ten. Well done. All of you. Big round of applause. Whoo hoo to you all.

I have.

Worked in a shitty low paid job to get myself to a position where I could get into a better position.
Worked some shitty higher paid jobs then.
Progressed from there.

You’re doing a lot of projecting on this thread, @bookmum08
Are you unhappy with your own situation? If so, surely you should be encouraging the OP to do the opposite.

You’re doing a lot of projecting on this thread, @bookmum08*
Are you unhappy with your own situation? If so, surely you should be encouraging the OP to do the opposite.*

This. So much. Honestly.

@bookmum08

Well I did that too. I just needed a bit of emotional support to get me there. Which I got from my supportive husband. And my parents. And through professional (is NHS) help. I have had very little personal financial support.

I’m sure you did—you seem like a lovely, really genuine person who has made a decision as a family for what is best for your family. Nobody here is discussing your life or knocking it, you’ve explained your situation and it sounds like a decision many of us would make.

However the OP is in a very different situation, and is in denial that there is a serious issue, or doesn’t realise its at the point where she should seek professional help. A councillor and a career advisor could help her to get her life on track, and make her so muchhappir. But denying there’s a problem won’t help.

When you feel like you’ve wasted time it’s easy to feel overwhelmed—she can’t cnshe the past but she can change the future.

Actually I want to help the OP not be in the situation I was in - trapped in a miserable job. That was why I was giving suggestions of how she can get away from that. Ways of finding something in life that she gets fulfilment out of.
Apologies if you think I am projecting. I don't mean to be. I am happy with my life at the moment. It's not perfect. But I am happy. It's a million times better than when I was 25 (the OPs age - which is 20 years ago for me) but I wouldn't have got to this life without support. Not financial support. Help. Advice. Brain storms ideas. The OP needs this support from her boyfriend. If he isn't interested in doing that then the relationship needs to end.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

THIS IS NOT THE SAME AS "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I FANCY DOING"

Stop. Being. So. Over. Dramatic. With. Unrelated. Issues.

Thank you.

@bookmum08

SandyY2K I hope you never become ill. Or have an injury that makes you have disabilities. Or have a mental breakdown. Or lose your job through no fault of your own. Or have to become a carer for another family member.
Because apparently you should carry on supporting yourself financially and your boyfriend/partner/husband should go "not my problem" and leave you to suffer.
Wow. I would hate to be in a relationship like that. How horrible

This is a very different set of scenarios than we're talking about here.

If you're in a relationship and circumstances change, such as illness or disability.... then of course financially supporting your spouse/long term partner is a natural thing to do.

If you can't see the difference between those scenarios and the OPs situation, then I would suggest there is something lacking in your thought process.

Either that or you want to make irrelevant points for the hell of it.

Ok can we all agree to disagree. This is going nowhere.
I do think the boyfriend doesn't sound like a keeper though....

I guess none of you have ever felt so overwhelmed and helpless and alone and unsure of what you want to do with life or how to get there and achieve it.
You are all clearly so perfect and had your lives and careers planned out from the age of ten. Well done. All of you. Big round of applause. Whoo hoo to you all

I think most people have been in this position of not knowing what to do and are giving advice that they would have liked to receive or giving their opinion from a position of what mistakes they wish they could have avoided.

What people are seeing is someone who kicked university down the road for 4 years whilst they worked p/t.
Then did a degree based on a nice notion.

Then is kicking a Masters down the road for a further few years.
There is a lot of thinking about things, procrastinating and putting off things that could be done in a day she is spending a year or 2 thinking about.

I think postponing the masters is just another way of avoiding making a decision for another few years.

The bf is just voicing what her own parents should be talking to her about.

Not sure rhe op is coming back now,

Bookmum, it’s clear you’ve got some issues, but this thread really isn’t about you and those issues. I mean that gently. I think you need to start your own thread and stop trying to make this one about you.

Oh Bluntness I don't need to start my own thread. I don't have any issues. I have opinions and ideas but obviously they are very different to what many others think. I suppose that's what makes life interesting. 20 years ago I might have needed to start a thread but thanks to having a supportive husband I am in a good place as much as anyone can be. Lucky me.
I wish you all Goodnight.

You know how people keep repeating something not because it's true, but because they really, really, want it to be truth?

That is how your posts sound book. As I said before, I hope you will get to a better place soon.

I think you need to be more ambitious with your choice of boyfriend.

Try aiming a bit higher - I'd suggest one that isn't a self important prick for a start.

If the plan is for you two to live together as a couple then he should be supporting you - emotionally and financially if that's what is needed.

And I NEVER said FUND. I said SUPPORT.
Which are two completely different things.

In a practical sense, what is the difference between financially supporting someone and financially funding someone?

@MitziK

I think you need to be more ambitious with your choice of boyfriend.

Try aiming a bit higher - I'd suggest one that isn't a self important prick for a start.

I don’t think there are many decent, well adjusted mid 20s guys keen to date people who are long-term semi unemployed (and who seem to be planning to stay that way for the future). OP is clearly relying on her parents financially and wouldn’t be unable to live independently, and unless they’re giving her a lot of support she probably doesn’t have much free cash for socialising either. I really doubt drifting in life is doing a lot for OP’s self esteem, and infortunately in that position you’re unlikely to attract quality men.

TBH I agree the BF probably isn’t a keeper—because I don’t think many guys with their heads screwed on in that position would still be here. I don’t think we know how long they’ve been together, was it before OP ended up in this position, or when she was still studying and on a track? If the latter he might have fallen for her then, but rightly now is concerned about the direction this has taken. If the former, you would have to really wonder about his judgement.

Dillion what I meant was that support doesn't always have to be money.
I think the advice I tried to give has got a bit mixed up somewhere along the line.
All I said originally was the OP needs to establish exactly what their relationship is and where it is going and if the boyfriend does love and care for her he would support her in whatever way is needed. Somehow that spiralled into a strange thing of how everyone should be independent and never rely on anyone else ever. It's one of the Mumsnety things I don't understand and never even knew existed out there in the world. I always thought and believed that if people were married (or committed in ways like mortgage and children) they combined their lives. Emotional and financial. I was on another thread recently about Christmas presents and the concept not buying for 'his family'. People talk about his money/my money, his family/my family. I am sorry but I find that way of living - as a committed couple -very odd.

Bookmum you seem to have rolled back on what you were saying earlier, and are now once again suggesting he SHOULD be obliged to financially support a 25 year old who can’t be arsed to work? Which is ludicrous.

The boyfriend has healthy boundaries, and is telling her that she needs to get a job if they’re going to stay together long term. He has zero responsibility—including ZERO moral responsibility—to pay a cent for her. They’re 25, they don’t own property, they don’t have substantial savings, established careers or children together. She needs to get her house in order, no well-adjusted man would accept that situation. Or she needs to get a sugar daddy.

People talk about his money/my money, his family/my family. I am sorry but I find that way of living -as a committed couple -very odd

Define committed couple? They aren’t married or engaged as far as I can see. How much should you unquestioningly emotionally support someone? What if you’ve been together one year? 6 months? 2 weeks?

Also, for someone who keeps saying they are leaving this thread-it’s odd you are still here.

Perhaps some of the boyfriend's frustrations are coming from the OP's lack of actually doing anything.

She's thinking about stuff, would love to work with whatever, might do a Master's in a couple of years, doesn't know what in, might want to work with animals/children/ICT but doesn't know how, doesn't want to be in a rush, might look into whatever.

And we're sitting here internally screaming "Just DO something! Use the internet, research stuff, find out HOW to do these things, don't just think about doing them!"

Or maybe that's just me

Redlocks I know I can't tear myself away
Exactly - how do you define a committed couple? Which is why one of the first things I suggested that needs to be done is talk to the boyfriend to actually establish how committed he wants the relationship to be.

But he doesn’t want the relationship to be committed on these terms, because he’s not a fool who’ll tie himself to a financial burden, at this young age! And the fact he has an issue with her problems suggests he might actually be a keeper, who might be there for the long term if she got her life togher.

The level of commitment has zero impact on what the OP needs to do—which is sort out her job situation and get some direction. At the current rate, it’s looking likely she’ll be broke, seni-unemployed AND single soon.

@bookmum08

Redlocks I know I can't tear myself away Exactly - how do you define a committed couple? Which is why one of the first things I suggested that needs to be done is talk to the boyfriend to actually establish how committed he wants the relationship to be.

This thread is about her career / work direction, not her relationship. The only reason he even comes into it is because it was him that has raised the subject. But whether she has a committed boyfriend or not she is currently without direction.

Why do you think she should find out how committed he is? Is it because in that case she shouldn’t need to worry about career direction. 🙄