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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not put DSs first choice secondary at number one, but not tell him?

159 replies

shinysealioninahat · 23/09/2020 22:24

We have two secondary options. Both good schools, academically pretty similar etc. School 1 is slightly further and we may not get in through distance.
DS's prefers school 1 as his best friend will be going there. He accepts he may not get into it.
I prefer school 2, as I think it will suit his needs better. Several of his friends will be going there.

I'm so tempted to put school 2 first, then school 1, and when the offers come out, just tell him school 1 didn't have a place due to catchment. He'd not question that.

Would that be really awful of me, for lying to him, and actively not giving him the option of going to the same school as his best friend?

OP posts:

CeeceeBloomingdale · 23/09/2020 22:27

I wouldn't lie, but I might try and persuade him that #2 should be the #1 choice so he is involved in making the choice.

AlexaShutUp · 23/09/2020 22:29

I don't think lying is the foundation for a healthy relationship. Can't you talk to him honestly about why you think school 2 is better?

emptyplinth · 23/09/2020 22:30

Yes, that would be awful.

Di11y · 23/09/2020 22:31

It'll say on the confirmation you got your first choice x school I think, so he might want to see the confirmation and you'd be screwed.

Fast90 · 23/09/2020 22:32

I think that’s pretty appalling parenting OP

Mintychoc1 · 23/09/2020 22:32

Yes I would.
Partly because you feel it would suit him better. But also because if he’s not in catchment, he may not get school 1, and if school 2 is also full, he may just get allocated random school 3. If school 2 is your catchment school then go for it.

Friends change so much anyway.

PurpleDaisies · 23/09/2020 22:33

Don’t lie.

Discuss it properly with him.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 23/09/2020 22:35

That is a dreadful idea. Try to persuade him if you can to your view. But do not lie to him.

Original poster

shinysealioninahat · 23/09/2020 22:35

@CeeceeBloomingdale

I wouldn't lie, but I might try and persuade him that #2 should be the #1 choice so he is involved in making the choice.

This is likely to be the plan I'll follow. I'm not a terrible parent, honestly! But I'm able to see the much bigger picture, which he will struggle to just because he's a 10yo boy with different priorities.

OP posts:

lakeswimmer · 23/09/2020 22:35

No you shouldn't do that. It would be a really shitty thing to do. I would talk to him about why I thought school 2 was a better choice but I would respect his choice.

If school 1 is further can you get him there? If transport is going to be difficult then I would also talk to him about that too but I wouldn't lie to him.

MabelMoo23 · 23/09/2020 22:37

I’m appalled, does your child’s opinion not matter in the slightest?

By all means, talk it over and present your case - but to lie??? If you are that sure it’s the best school, why hide it?

Thinkingg · 23/09/2020 22:40

If you think that you as parent should decide, after considering his views, then that's fair enough. He's not old enough to see the full picture. But don't lie to him about it, you need to have an honest relationship with him.

Original poster

shinysealioninahat · 23/09/2020 22:41

@MabelMoo23

I’m appalled, does your child’s opinion not matter in the slightest?

By all means, talk it over and present your case - but to lie??? If you are that sure it’s the best school, why hide it?

I'm not hiding it. He knows I prefer school 2. But to him, going to school with his best friend trumps everything right now, as it probably should when you're 10. I'm going to have a good long chat about it with him. I won't lie to him. It IS a terrible idea.

OP posts:

Spanglebangle · 23/09/2020 22:41

I am going to have the same issue in a couple of years. I think I will be honest. You have to be the parent, you are going to this school because it's what's best. You will make new friends etc. They won't remember in a year's time.

ittakes2 · 23/09/2020 22:42

I was tempted to do that with my daughter - but if he gets the school you want and he’s very unhappy at school ie it doesn’t work out - you will never know if he could have gotten into the other school and been happy there. Not to mention lies and trickery is not ideal behaviour!

Mrsmadevans · 23/09/2020 22:43

You can't do that OP

BrumBoo · 23/09/2020 22:44

Both my mother and my husband's parents did exactly the same (a million years ago now). Both of us ended up at schools away from out friendship groups, both of us ended up having an absolute shit time for several years. We are both introverts by nature, in fact I'd say my husband is possibly undiagnosed autistic, so being completely taken out of our comfort zone without support or the ability to make friends easily meant it was so much more difficult to make a new start in the shark tank that is secondary.

If you think your son can cope with a new start at a new school, then talk to him about it. Don't go behind his back though, don't take the choice away. If it transpires to be the wrong one, the resentment may brew for years.

Original poster

shinysealioninahat · 23/09/2020 22:51

@BrumBoo that sounds really awful for you . I wouldn't send him to a school where he didn't know anyone as it's not necessary and it would be awful for him. Ironically he's likely to have more established friends at my choice of school than his because of the geography of our area. But that doesn't trump your bestie, does it?

OP posts:

smellyhouseelf · 23/09/2020 22:51

Depends how much you value his happiness.

I think it's pretty awful to even consider doing this to him.

anorangeaday · 23/09/2020 22:52

Don’t lie

EggsFried · 23/09/2020 22:53

@Mintychoc1

Yes I would. Partly because you feel it would suit him better. But also because if he’s not in catchment, he may not get school 1, and if school 2 is also full, he may just get allocated random school 3. If school 2 is your catchment school then go for it.

Friends change so much anyway.

Assuming that the OP is in England, putting a school second doesn't affect your chances of getting a place. All LEAs have to operate the equal preference system, meaning that if a school's only admission criteria was distance (hypothetically), and you live nearer than me, you would get a place ahead of me even if you put it 6th and I put it 1st. The only reason for the ranking is for the LEA to decide which school to offer you if more than one school is able to offer you a place- schools don't offer to all the people who listed them first above all others. There are no gambles or risks involved as long as you have on your list somewhere at least one school that you are reasonably confident you will gain a place at- always put schools in your genuine order of preference.

Allywill · 23/09/2020 22:54

I wouldn’t lie but I would be clear choosing a secondary school is a parental decision not a child’s. He gets to express an opinion. You get to complete the form as you see fit.

AliMonkey · 23/09/2020 22:56

I absolutely agree that it's not the right thing to do ... but I wish I'd done it - although would have meant lying to DH too. I was sure School A would be right for DS. DH was sure School B would be right. DS had two best friends, one choosing each school and flitted between wanting A then B then A ... DH and I disagreed so much on it that I began to think we were heading for divorce and in my view he pressurised DS to choosing School B. It's clear now that it wasn't the right choice, so clear that DH and DS both agree (but DS won't consider moving schools due to severe anxiety about change).

So obviously what you should do is try to gently persuade DS. At a push, you could in the end say "sorry, I'm the parent and sometimes we have to make choices for you that you don't like, such as making you have vaccinations or go to school every day and I'm putting down School 2, even though I know you prefer School 1." Or you go with DS's choice and pray that he gets School 2, then he's happy that you didn't overrule him and you're happy as you get what you want.

clary · 23/09/2020 22:59

@Mintychoc1

Yes I would. Partly because you feel it would suit him better. But also because if he’s not in catchment, he may not get school 1, and if school 2 is also full, he may just get allocated random school 3. If school 2 is your catchment school then go for it.

Friends change so much anyway.

mintychoc that's not how it works.

If there is a place at school 1, he will get it, if it is put first. If there is not a place for him at school 1, but there is a place on distance at school 2, he will get that. The only significance of the order is that IF school 1 has a space, you get it if you prefer it. Putting school 1 Furst doesn't prejudice your chance at school 2.

Op I would explain to him why school 2 is more suitable to get him on board if I were you.

clary · 23/09/2020 23:01

haha Eggsfried you explained that better!

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