Page 5 | To not put DSs first choice secondary at number one, but not tell him?

shinysealioninahat · 2020-09-23T21:24:57+00:00

We have two secondary options. Both good schools, academically pretty similar etc. School 1 is slightly further and we may not get in through distance. DS's prefers school 1 as his best friend will be going there. He accepts he may not get into it. I prefer school 2, as I think it will suit his needs better. Several of his friends will be going there. I'm so tempted to put school 2 first, then school 1, and when the offers come out, just tell him school 1 didn't have a place due to catchment. He'd not question that. Would that be really awful of me, for lying to him, and actively not giving him the option of going to the same school as his best friend?

RealBecca · 24/09/2020 08:15

Put school 2. You're his parent, not his friend, you don't need to pander if you think you know better.

But i think you should have a constructive conversation with him in any case rather than lie. Maybe it's not just about his best friend.

sugarbum · 24/09/2020 08:16

I empathise OP. I have a similiar issue.
DS2 prefers school 1 as his bestie is going. We prefer school 2 because academically it wipes the floor with school 2. None of his friends will be going to school 2 (well one is applying but I don't think he'll get in due to criteria whereas we have a high chance) but DS2 is an extrovert and finds it easy to get along with new people.

I'm not lying to him. He is very intelligent and he is actively frustrated with primary school because they aren't teaching him anything new. He understands that he will get a more consistent education at 2 (its a long story, but we've been montitoring how both schools have handled lockdown, as my friends all have children at 1, and 1 did NOT cope well)
He has been best friends with this child since nursery and they are like peas in a pod. BUT his main friendship group are all girls. They are all still quite a sweet and innocent little band and its lovely BUT the girls are going to mature mentally quicker than he is (I already see that happening) and I think that naturally they might part ways anyway. He's already been excluded from sleepovers, which I understand, but its so sad for him.

I went to quite a lot of schools when I was a kid and left a best friend behind each time. I always made new ones. I stayed in touch with (some) of the old ones. The ones that mattered

I wouldn't lie. As the adult you have to provide him with the best possible opportunities you can and its on you to explain this to him. He might hate you for a bit but if you think this is the best way forward, do it.

FWIW, my DS1 (now Y9)goes to school 2, and apparently he's really glad we sent him there (apart from it being rfurther away) as his friends 'are a lot better' than the ones he had at primary and [his old best friend] (he's still on the football team with) says 'I think I would have rather have gone to your school'

KeepOnMovingForwards · 24/09/2020 08:46

Just tell him that he may get neither if you put school 1 and he's be stuck with school 3.

SoloMummy · 24/09/2020 08:51

You're the parent, so parent. If that's your parenting choice, then that's what you do.
It should be irrelevant regarding the form, what the child thinks, in as much as you take on board their opinions and then you make the decision in your child's best interests.
I certainly wouldn't be lying.

RedskyAtnight · 24/09/2020 09:23

@KeepOnMovingForwards

Just tell him that he may get neither if you put school 1 and he's be stuck with school 3.

So another lie?

Imloosingmyshit · 24/09/2020 09:47

Don’t lie.

FarmersWife3 · 24/09/2020 10:25

I would definitely try to persuade DS of the merits of your favoured school. I wish now my parents had paid less attention to my demands to go to the same secondary as my best friend, and tried to get me to a different (much closer to home) secondary which had a better reputation/results. The school I attended wasn't the best fit for me, and whilst it was good to be with my bestie for a bit, I didn't have a wider group of friends I knew and for many reasons don't think it was the best decision for me long-term. You do know best as his mum (even if he doesn't appreciate it atm).

KeepOnMovingForwards · 24/09/2020 10:30

RedskyAtnight, it's not a lie, at least where I live. School places are a nightmare and if you don't get your first choice, then it's totally random where there will be space for your child.
May vary by area.

unmarkedbythat · 24/09/2020 10:35

He is the one who will be going to school, not you. He is the one who needs to be happy there, not you. I don't think you should put your preferences above his, and if you choose to do so, I certainly don't think you should lie to him. Would you want him to deal dishonestly with you?

EggsFried · 24/09/2020 10:38

@KeepOnMovingForwards

RedskyAtnight, it's not a lie, at least where I live. School places are a nightmare and if you don't get your first choice, then it's totally random where there will be space for your child. May vary by area.

If you are in England, then you're wrong I'm afraid. As I and lots of others have explained, all LEAs have to operate an equal preference system, not first preference first. It does not vary by area in England.

RedskyAtnight · 24/09/2020 10:39

@KeepOnMovingForwards

RedskyAtnight, it's not a lie, at least where I live. School places are a nightmare and if you don't get your first choice, then it's totally random where there will be space for your child. May vary by area.

Unless you're not in England, then there is an equal preference scheme and it doesn't make any difference what order you list your preferences.

TheWho67 · 24/09/2020 11:17

I'm surprised at some of the viewpoints here. Surely it's up to the parents to decide what's best for their kid. Sure, have some discussion and set expectations. What 11 yr old is going to demand to see paperwork? At the end of the day it's the local authority that decides so it's not like you really get a choice.

TheWho67 · 24/09/2020 11:23

Equal preference scheme? If that's where kids in care, kids with siblings there, kids with SEND then kids in the catchment area (last) then sometimes you don't stand a hope in hell if it's over subscribed. You may well end up getting a totally random place because 'as the crow flys' it's within a 3 mile radius.

RedskyAtnight · 24/09/2020 11:25

I'm surprised at some of the viewpoints here. Surely it's up to the parents to decide what's best for their kid.

I don't think most have argued otherwise. We've just said that you are open to your child about the decision you've made.

ladymuck111 · 24/09/2020 11:27

I think YABU. My DSs first choice was a school not in our catchment and it is a pita to get him there but ultimately it was his choice where he went and I didn't want him to go to the catchment school and blame me if he hated it.
Let your son make the decision it's his life and future.

RedskyAtnight · 24/09/2020 11:28

@TheWho67

Equal preference scheme? If that's where kids in care, kids with siblings there, kids with SEND then kids in the catchment area (last) then sometimes you don't stand a hope in hell if it's over subscribed. You may well end up getting a totally random place because 'as the crow flys' it's within a 3 mile radius.

The equal preference scheme means it doesn't matter whether you put a school at choice 1, 2, 3 ... Too many posters on here have stated the incorrect information that you are less likely to get a place at a school if you don't make it first preference.

It doesn't mean you have a higher chance of getting a place at an oversubscribed school if you are a long way down on the entry criteria.

Rhubardandcustard · 24/09/2020 11:33

Please don’t lie to him.

Op discuss it with him.

The friends issue is important to them but honestly as is the case for most when going to secondary they will make a whole new bunch of friends. My dd has a group of 8 that hang out together - none of them are from her primary school. Saying that it’s so hard for them to see that they will make new friends and of course he wants to be with close friends.

Try and come up together a list of pros and cons of each school and discuss together the ranking for each.

EggsFried · 24/09/2020 11:34

@TheWho67

Equal preference scheme? If that's where kids in care, kids with siblings there, kids with SEND then kids in the catchment area (last) then sometimes you don't stand a hope in hell if it's over subscribed. You may well end up getting a totally random place because 'as the crow flys' it's within a 3 mile radius.

It's not- I explained it above. All schools have their admissions criteria (e.g. kids in care, then siblings, then catchment area, then distance). Everyone who lists the school as a preference, regardless of whether that is 1st, 2nd, or lower, are ranked in order according to this admissions criteria, and if the school has 150 places, then the first 150 people on that list will be the ones who can be offered places. The LEA looks at the lists of the schools that everyone can be offered, and offers you the school that you ranked highest on your list, as everyone can only receive one offer. This removes you from the lists of schools that you ranked lower down, so everyone else will move up a place, and an extra person on that list can be offered a place (hope that makes sense!). Everyone gets one offer, which will only be chosen by the LEA (as the nearest school to you with places) if none of the schools on your list are able to offer you a place (I.e. you weren't high enough in their ranking by admissions criteria, regardless of where you put it as a preference).

What it basically means is that putting a school 2nd or lower definitely does not reduce your chances of getting a place there if the school you put first is not able to offer you a place.

EggsFried · 24/09/2020 11:35

Beat me to it @RedskyAtnight

lioncitygirl · 24/09/2020 11:35

That’s a pretty damn shitty thing to do
OP.

RedskyAtnight · 24/09/2020 11:36

@EggsFried

Beat me to it *@RedskyAtnight*

Lol! We seem to be in a pattern of cross posting :)

FourPlasticRings · 24/09/2020 11:37

My parents never gave me a choice. They said it was up to them, not up to me and then did their own thing. 🤷 At the time I didn't mind too much tbh- what did I, at ten, know about choosing a school? I think if you're going to put school 2 first then be honest and explain your reasons.

Marmitecrackers · 24/09/2020 11:39

I would do it. You can make better choices than a 10 year old and he will never know any different.

We all make lots of choices for our kids. I chose which house to buy based on whether it was near a good school. I didn't ask the kids. They would have picked the one with ducks in the garden, not with the best school. It's no different.

caughtalightsneeze · 24/09/2020 11:42

Are the schools (rather than the LEA) allowed to make it one of their entrance criteria that you get preference if you put it first? That's what happens where I live but we don't have LEAs in the same way as England.

EggsFried · 24/09/2020 11:43

@caughtalightsneeze

Are the schools (rather than the LEA) allowed to make it one of their entrance criteria that you get preference if you put it first? That's what happens where I live but we don't have LEAs in the same way as England.

No, they aren't