To tell my friend her behaviour was odd...?

[pollymadetea]

I met a friend for a walk / picnic yesterday.
We’ve both got small babies (6 months)

It’s the first chance we’ve had to meet and I was really looking forward to it.

Turns out I found the afternoon quite stressful and didn’t enjoy it.

We started off having a walk but every few minutes she was reminding me to stay away from her and the baby and pointing out that I had broken the 2m “barrier”.

I hadn’t done this on purpose and I’m well aware of how to distance, but some paths were smaller than others so it wasn’t possible to be exactly two meters apart, although we weren’t far off!!
Yet she kept pointing out that I was less than 2m.

I’d taken a lunch bag with me and the basket in my pram was already quite full, she didn’t have anything in hers so I asked if I could put my lunch bag under her pram.

She told me it wasn’t safe for me to do that because it’s risking spreading Covid.
I didn’t say anything about this, I just carried my own bag.

We sat down and ate our picnic and I suggested we let the babies play together but she was really against this idea and said the babies should distance.

As we were leaving and packing up, her sons blanket fell from the pram, I picked it up and gave it to her and she told me she didn’t want to take that now and I shouldn’t have touched it as it’s not safe and it’s how Covid spreads.
I apologised and told her I’d sanitised my hands after we’d eaten.

She told me to just put it under the pram, which I did.

She then said she would walk back to the car alone as the path was too small for us to distance so we said our goodbyes and we left.

She’s messaged saying she had a lovely day and would I like to do it again.

But I didn’t really have a lovely day, I felt on edge around her and I think I’d feel the same if we were to meet again.

Should I tell her that she was being too extreme? Or is it that I’m too relaxed??

"Why did she have to keep reminding you about the 2m thing?

Surely as soon as you realise a friend wishes to stick tightly to the rules you just do that?"

It's not necessarily that straightforward though is it? you don't have a bubble around you which defines where the 2m limit is. In certain cases (sitting down in a park) its pretty clear, in others (walking along a narrow footpath and with people overtaking you) not so much. If you're running around after babies as well there will be situations where preserving their safety takes momentary precedence over maintaining social distance.

Social distancing is important and respecting people's boundaries is important but if you're meeting people you have to accept that there is some degree of risk that social distancing boundaries may be momentarily breached, either by accident or by necessity. If you consider this an unacceptable risk you probably shouldn't be putting yourself in a social setting at all.

Op I don't think you did anything wrong. You were briefly 1m+ apart in the open air instead of 2. You sanitised your hands then passed her a blanket. You made two suggestions she wasn't comfortable about and you requested that.

I'd go again, knowing what she's like and therefore it'll be less stressful.
Don't ask if you can stow anything, don't offer to help her, if the path narrows suggests she goes ahead or speed up to go ahead

YABU. You are far, far too relaxed and not at all careful.

Of course passing items between each other is increasing risk, of course placing items in each other’s pram baskets is a risk, of course letting the babies roll around together on the same blanket is a risk.

You aren’t taking it seriously and she had to keep reminding you of this.

She's following the rules to the letter, so I guess if you want to see her, you need to respect that. It does sound on the extreme end, but in reality she's actually doing nothing wrong, so I wouldn't talk to her about her behaviour, but more likely talk to her about how she's feeling over covid. I guess now that her boundaries have been set out, that you know what you're in for next time, so know what will set her on edge. I'd say it was lovely to see her and suggest somewhere that's easier to distance next time. I would leave it open but not overly rush to meet her, so diarise something a bit further/say you're cutting down contact with people so can't meet as regularly etc, put a bit of space between you (geddit?!) whilst leaving door open for when things calm down a bit.

if you're meeting people you have to accept that there is some degree of risk that social distancing boundaries may be momentarily breached, either by accident or by necessity.

It wasn't "momentary" or "briefly" though - OP says it was "less than 5 minutes" which suggests that she was too close for a few minutes at a time. And this happened several times during the walk.

I think we are all conscious at this time that people have different levels of tolerance. Continuing to walk too close to her friend - not just momentarily - when the friend had indicated that she was uncomfortable with this, is extremely unreasonable of OP.

I think YABU and quite rude to call her odd and extreme. The fact that she had to remind you every few mins to stay 2m away says a lot. We all have different levels of comfort, it’s about respecting each other’s boundaries, which it doesn’t seem like you were

I wouldn’t meet up with her again til things have improved. We all have enough going on without stressing about whether we’ve done something ‘wrong’ in this kind of situation. You were outside, behaving sensibly, the transmission risk will be very low (assuming either of you actually had it in the first place, which again is very unlikely).

I don’t think you did anything wrong but I’m not spending time with people at the moment unless they are on a similar risk perception level to me as otherwise we just make each other stressed.

I’m being careful and sensible, I’m pregnant and aware of wanting to take care of myself and the baby as well as society at large, but I also have two small children and they have to have some level of normality in their lives. I don’t want to spend time with someone barking TWO METRES at me every five seconds.

RedskyAtNight

We can't know for sure as we weren't there... but the OP suggests that on several occasions it was when they were walking down narrow paths and it wasn't possible to distance to that degree. If she were repeatedly barging the friend that's one thing but it doesn't sound like that.

The reality is that unless you're standing in the middle of a prairie in the middle of nowhere there will be obstacles and people you will come into contact with which may at times force you to breach the 2m rule. I have been in this situation more times than I can count and sometimes its just unavoidable.

You have to factor that into a decision as to whether you are prepared to tolerate that level of risk before you sign up for things.

If you really can't, that's fine. But I don't think its reasonable to expect other people to tolerate being constantly mithered about very minor breaches of an arbitrary, notional and unmeasurable rule. And therefore its easier and more pleasant for all concerned to just accept that you can't manage it and stick to the phone or Zoom.

i think she was being ott-does she think come januray the virus will have disappeared what is she going to be like having a baby at nursery

OP- you were absolutely fine. I doubt I'd have lasted as long as you did or as patiently TBH.
I feel she is 1 of these mums who is just overly precious about her baby anyway- and Covid has just x that by about 100. I just don't have the energy or time for people so precious or pedantic.

I wouldn't go out with her again to be honest. Far too much drama.
I follow the rules and not a 'covid denier ' at all , but people like this are too paranoid and her poor child will end up a nervous wreck as well if she isn't careful.
You need a middle ground.

thepeopleversus

OP says, on each occasion where the friend mentioned it " it was for less then 5 minutes before the path was wide again and we were back to 2m!"

So that's not momentarily getting too close - that's walking side by side on the path with her, closer than 2m away for a few minutes. It would have been perfectly possible to SD by walking behind her unless there were hordes of other people, but OP has not mentioned that (and presumably would have done as that would also have agitated her friend).

It's like the difference between someone in a supermarket walking past you within touching distance, and someone in a supermarket stopping next to you to have a chat for a few minutes. One is negligible risk, the other is much greater risk.

I agree with the posters who suggest that you say it was lovely to see her, but let’s wait until the Covid situation has improved before meeting up again. It would be less stressful for you both.

I have a friend who’s also v. anxious and I declined to meet up with her last weekend. I’m careful myself- wear a mask, distance, use hand sanitizer, etc., but I’d rather just chat at a distance, text, etc. at the moment.

I agree with you OP that does sound a bit stressful . Equally though I can understand your friends behaviour, particularly if this is her first baby.

I would suggest two choices . One, as others have said , say to her that the Covid rules are making meet ups stressful and perhaps wait a while before meeting again .

Alternatively if you think you can cope with a similar meet up , it is likely to help your friend relax a bit the more she gets out and about and interacts with others . But perhaps make any future meet up a little shorter. Is there somewhere you can just meet where there are a couple of park benches you can just sit and have coffee for half an hour ?

@ProudAuntie76 thank you - that was exactly the point I was making.

RedskyAtnight

I didn't read it as the OP was walking side by side on the path, I just read that as the path was narrow she may not have stuck religiously to the 2m distance. Just as when you overtake someone on a pavement its difficult to adhere to the guidance without walking in the road you could easily imaging a similar scenario.

It's hard to be sure TBH.

People do have very different boundaries. I've been hugged in the past few weeks by near strangers which has been a bit much for me.

But the thing is this is precisely why its ultimately up to you to police your own social interaction: you can't force someone to adhere to the 2m distance in absolutely all circumstances and you can't ever know what all their recent social interactions have been. Some level of risk - however minor - is inevitable.

So if your level of risk aversion is this high you really need to take yourself out of society.

you can't force someone to adhere to the 2m distance in absolutely all circumstances

No, but if you are out with a friend, and the friend requests it, I think most people would try to abide with their friend's wishes, not continue to do the thing they'd been asked not to. And in general, if you're walking down a path, it's possible to keep well away from each other if you make enough effort. That's the main thing I think that OP is being unreasonable about - that friend had to constantly ask, her request was perfectly reasonable, and she was ignored.

Oh I couldn’t be dealing with that. I’d not be meeting her again.

@MyShinyWhiteTeeth

I don't see her behaviour as extreme. I see your behaviour as being too relaxed and non compliant.

You sound like a dystopian future drone.

@thepeopleversuswork

Why did she have to keep reminding you about the 2m thing?

Yes that’s exactly what I’m trying to get at.
There wasn’t actually any need for her to keep telling me as we didn’t get closer than probably 1.5 meters for very long!
Even when we were 2m away she kept saying “are we 2m away” or “do you think we are too close” or “I think I’ll just move away a bit”
But at these points we were definitely far enough apart!

@RedskyAtnight

That's the main thing I think that OP is being unreasonable about - that friend had to constantly ask, her request was perfectly reasonable, and she was ignored.

Okay maybe I’ve just not worded my post very well I’m order for people to understand.

My friend certainly wasn’t ignored.

There was constant reminder about the 2m rule. It wasn’t that I was constantly breaking it, it’s that she was constantly telling me “hmm I think we’re too close” “I don’t think this is 2m”...
But it was! That’s the point I’m trying to make!!

From what I understand children are allowed to play and don't have to social distance like us. Kids are definitely not 2 meters apart in schools.
I've met up with other mums out doors with our small babies and none have been anxious like her.
We have let babies play but distanced ourselves reasonably. About a meterish. Covid isn't going anywhere anytime soon so take reasonable precautions but try live life at the same time.
You can still die from cancer, traffic accident and million other things don't forget 😊

From what I understand children are allowed to play and don't have to social distance like us.

MrsxRocky You understand incorrectly. Of course children still have to social distance like us.

You are both at opposite ends of the caution scale .I wouldn't say anything but I'd compromise & meet somewhere else. Is there anywhere you can go that is very open & doesn't have narrow paths? Why did you have so much stuff with you for a walk tho that you needed her to have some of it! If the diff venue is still stressful, I'd leave it tbh.

Why did she even bother? I'd definitely be telling her it'd have to wait until covid isn't a problem anymore.