To tell my friend her behaviour was odd...?

[pollymadetea]

I met a friend for a walk / picnic yesterday.
We’ve both got small babies (6 months)

It’s the first chance we’ve had to meet and I was really looking forward to it.

Turns out I found the afternoon quite stressful and didn’t enjoy it.

We started off having a walk but every few minutes she was reminding me to stay away from her and the baby and pointing out that I had broken the 2m “barrier”.

I hadn’t done this on purpose and I’m well aware of how to distance, but some paths were smaller than others so it wasn’t possible to be exactly two meters apart, although we weren’t far off!!
Yet she kept pointing out that I was less than 2m.

I’d taken a lunch bag with me and the basket in my pram was already quite full, she didn’t have anything in hers so I asked if I could put my lunch bag under her pram.

She told me it wasn’t safe for me to do that because it’s risking spreading Covid.
I didn’t say anything about this, I just carried my own bag.

We sat down and ate our picnic and I suggested we let the babies play together but she was really against this idea and said the babies should distance.

As we were leaving and packing up, her sons blanket fell from the pram, I picked it up and gave it to her and she told me she didn’t want to take that now and I shouldn’t have touched it as it’s not safe and it’s how Covid spreads.
I apologised and told her I’d sanitised my hands after we’d eaten.

She told me to just put it under the pram, which I did.

She then said she would walk back to the car alone as the path was too small for us to distance so we said our goodbyes and we left.

She’s messaged saying she had a lovely day and would I like to do it again.

But I didn’t really have a lovely day, I felt on edge around her and I think I’d feel the same if we were to meet again.

Should I tell her that she was being too extreme? Or is it that I’m too relaxed??

We should all be kinder about those who are more careful and abide by the rules. However, she does seem very anxious which may not be healthy. I like the suggestion above about saying let’s do after because it was stressful. Or maybe meet somewhere where you just arrive and sit. No walking together.

Yup, definitely beyond a joke. If you're that anxious stay home.

@saussaggessandmasshh

**Life needs to get back to normal as much as possible within the rules.

Normal can be going for a walk with a friend and keeping a safe distance without practically getting a tape measure out to check the exact distance.

Normal is not freaking out over passing a blanket over when it was dropped and refusing to share pram basket space 'because covid'.

I am following the rules and know I am careful and safe, but I would be very frustrated if someone I was supposed to be having a nice afternoon with wouldn't stop fussing over going an inch under 2m**

Yes!!! This is exactly the point I have been trying to make.

@Puffalicious

D'you mean, so anxious that you want to actually follow the guidelines?

YANBU for being irritated, but sounds like she’s scared and possibly struggling. I had bad anxiety after DC1 and didn’t seek help soon enough. dread to think what would’ve been like with a newborn now.

She sounds like she’s anxious and struggling, but why was it only your job to keep 2m apart on a narrow path and not hers as well. This is where just going on the OPs post it sounds like she was also being a bit of a dick

It doesn't sound as if she's actually all that anxious. If she really was worried about it, would she be so keen to see the OP again. She told her that she enjoyed the afternoon. It's the OP who found it stressful and not the friend. Is she someone who enjoys nitpicking by any chance?

God I couldn’t be arsed with that.

It sounds like she should stay in the house until this is over!

Thing is, OP, this was something that was important to your friend but not so much for you. If you're really saying it was just an inch or two here and there, then how difficult could it possibly have been to respect your friend's boundaries, rather than being pissed off with her for thinking differently from you?

@pollymadetea I'm sure it's hard, things like this sometimes are best to chalk up to just accepting we are in a very very unique situation right now and everyone will handle it differently, especially a new Mum!

Now you know what to expect it may make the next walk easier. I've been in that situation.

Why, if she were your friend, not just appreciate that she is taking this a lot more to the letter than you.

You acknowledge that you went closer than 2metres, even by a little, then suggested the children played, she declined, suggested she touches your stuff, she declined you then touched her stuff after she made it clear she wasn't happy with that.

Sounds a difficult meet up, if you turn the tables, she may be thinking you made the afternoon strained by constantly pushing were she was uncomfortable. Take out that and it might have been enjoyable.

Ring her, check she is ok, don't let it ruin a friendship

She’s following the rules. She may or may not feel anxious. Judging her won’t help. Different people will follow the guidelines more or less rigidly. If you don’t like that she follows the rules don’t meet up again until it’s more relaxed. It was probably stressful for her having to remind you all the time too. We need to be forgiving of each other whilst we adjust to this (hopefully very temporary) new way of life.

I mean, technically, she's doing it exactly as we're told to do it. But obviously it becomes unrealistic at points, and you just have to bend some of the guidelines (like being a bit closer sometimes or whatever).

She sounds really anxious, and she's dealing with it by following the guidelines to the letter. That's much how I'm dealing with it, too.

So if you didn't enjoy it, wait a little while and meet when things have calmed down and they're a bit easier. Meanwhile, keep in touch via text/call etc as it does sound like she's struggling!

Covid does have a great ability to suck the joy out of anything. Technically we should constantly be thinking how close we are to someone, if we have our masks, who's touched what we're picking up etc .. but there comes a point where, for your own sanity, you have to just let your guard drop a little!

Hi OP, I actually think Covid is a bit of a red herring here. What’s happened is that the Covid context has revealed personality & value differences between you and your friend. In normal circumstances perhaps you could have been friends for decades & not noticed these! But Covid has revealed them.

Your friend believes very strongly in detailed adherence to rules; it sounds as though you believe more in exercising your own judgement within the general framework of rules. Your friend is more anxious than you. She places a higher value than you do on absolute social conformity, and believes in correcting non conformers, whereas you think that this shouldn’t be done in minor cases (and you exercise your own judgement about what is & isn’t a minor case). Maybe she has rather more trust in authority, governments, etc & feels happier being told what to do?

I think this personality spilt is sometimes quite a big one, actually, & affects how people engage with life in quite fundamental ways. I personally would find it difficult to be friends with someone with your friend’s characteristics (at least as I have described them above!). You may be different! But maybe this is an opportunity to think about why you reacted like you did, & what your values are. That might help you work out whether you want to maintain the friendship.

I wouldn’t try to change her though: she is who she is, and that’s her right.

It's ok to not spend time with people if you don't enjoy it. You don't need to tell them why.

You know I would hate to be in the first month's post partum with all this going on. I'm afraid I probably would have been like your friend, I'll admit. She sounds a little anxious and needs reassurance.

@thepeopleversuswork

"Why did she have to keep reminding you about the 2m thing?

Surely as soon as you realise a friend wishes to stick tightly to the rules you just do that?"

It's not necessarily that straightforward though is it? you don't have a bubble around you which defines where the 2m limit is. In certain cases (sitting down in a park) its pretty clear, in others (walking along a narrow footpath and with people overtaking you) not so much. If you're running around after babies as well there will be situations where preserving their safety takes momentary precedence over maintaining social distance.

Social distancing is important and respecting people's boundaries is important but if you're meeting people you have to accept that there is some degree of risk that social distancing boundaries may be momentarily breached, either by accident or by necessity. If you consider this an unacceptable risk you probably shouldn't be putting yourself in a social setting at all.

It's not remotely difficult to drop into single file on a narrow path.

Two adults walking to the park and then spending time in the park with two immobile babies (the OP mentioned they were 6 months - so likely to be running off anywhere) should absolutely be able to maintain their distance all the time.

The OP had to be reminded "every few minutes". That shows she wasn't bothered, which is fine, but also shows she wasn't bothered about her friend's wishes, and that's not fine.

If you consider this an unacceptable risk you probably shouldn't be putting yourself in a social setting at all.

If you have zero respect for your friend's wishes in a situation then you probably shouldn't be putting yourself in a social setting. It's downright rude.

Normal is not freaking out over passing a blanket over when it was dropped and refusing to share pram basket space 'because covid'.

Exactly! SO many posters are saying 'she was only following the guidelines'. She isn't. Nowhere has it been said that one can't pick up an item belonging to someone else. Nowhere does it say that putting an item belonging to one person on top of/in something belonging to another person is wrong.

OP had sanitised her hands minutes before. Just as we sanitise our hands before going into a shop and touch things, OP was perfectly within the guidelines to help her friend when she dropped something. And asking to pop something into her friend's pram basket? how on earth is anyone at risk of Covid through that?
Also the rule is now 1m+, not 2.

Don't worry OP. You did nothing wrong. And her constant wittering would have ruined my day too. And I follow all the guidelines.

If the friend felt like the OP was ignoring her wishes so much she had to remind her "every few minutes" the blanket may simply have been the final straw.

I have an ex-friend who tells people I fell out with her because she used a compact mirror of mine to check her lippy. Technically she's right. However, for me it was the final straw. She, and a couple of others, were happy for each other to rummage around each others bags for things. I wasn't. She ignored that repeatedly.

It's the ignoring the wishes that's the problem, not the specific actions.

I would leave the meeting up in person until social distancing is no longer required. Keep the friendship going with texts for the time being.

She shouldn't have met up with you if she was going to feel like this unfair of her

She can't be that anxious if she claims to have had 'a lovely time'!
Maybe she was just enjoying being able to tick you off??

She’s messaged saying she had a lovely day and would I like to do it again.

Tell her that being patronised all day isn't your version of lovely

Op, to be honest I would gently say it’s best to leave it a while. You weren’t unreasonable at all imo. I found myself on the shielding list, I’ve followed every rule (it could have cost me my job). I also have two young children. I think you’ve acted very reasonably, I would certainly be happy in your company. I understand your friend being frightened but at the same time she’s clearly not completely ready for this, just offer support from afar (if you can) and assess this constantly evolving situation. Let’s not forget we’re still human beings and slip ups will occur, I don’t think you’re part of the problem here at all, the guilty ones are those deliberately flaunting the rules ( which change frequently), we’re trying hard, we’re learning quickly nothing you’ve said is unreasonable to me (and believe me, I was terrified of catching it, spreading it etc).

@pollymadetea

I met a friend for a walk / picnic yesterday. We’ve both got small babies (6 months)

It’s the first chance we’ve had to meet and I was really looking forward to it.

Turns out I found the afternoon quite stressful and didn’t enjoy it.

We started off having a walk but every few minutes she was reminding me to stay away from her and the baby and pointing out that I had broken the 2m “barrier”.

I hadn’t done this on purpose and I’m well aware of how to distance, but some paths were smaller than others so it wasn’t possible to be exactly two meters apart, although we weren’t far off!!
Yet she kept pointing out that I was less than 2m.

I’d taken a lunch bag with me and the basket in my pram was already quite full, she didn’t have anything in hers so I asked if I could put my lunch bag under her pram.

She told me it wasn’t safe for me to do that because it’s risking spreading Covid.
I didn’t say anything about this, I just carried my own bag.

We sat down and ate our picnic and I suggested we let the babies play together but she was really against this idea and said the babies should distance.

As we were leaving and packing up, her sons blanket fell from the pram, I picked it up and gave it to her and she told me she didn’t want to take that now and I shouldn’t have touched it as it’s not safe and it’s how Covid spreads.
I apologised and told her I’d sanitised my hands after we’d eaten.

She told me to just put it under the pram, which I did.

She then said she would walk back to the car alone as the path was too small for us to distance so we said our goodbyes and we left.

She’s messaged saying she had a lovely day and would I like to do it again.

But I didn’t really have a lovely day, I felt on edge around her and I think I’d feel the same if we were to meet again.

Should I tell her that she was being too extreme? Or is it that I’m too relaxed??

I think it was nice of her to text to say she had a lovely time as it sounds like she was actually very stressed/anxious.

It might be annoying that her behaviours seemed a little rude but on the other hand she was clearly feeling afraid and trying her best to be normal/friendly but not really managing!