To tell my friend her behaviour was odd...?

[pollymadetea]

I met a friend for a walk / picnic yesterday.
We’ve both got small babies (6 months)

It’s the first chance we’ve had to meet and I was really looking forward to it.

Turns out I found the afternoon quite stressful and didn’t enjoy it.

We started off having a walk but every few minutes she was reminding me to stay away from her and the baby and pointing out that I had broken the 2m “barrier”.

I hadn’t done this on purpose and I’m well aware of how to distance, but some paths were smaller than others so it wasn’t possible to be exactly two meters apart, although we weren’t far off!!
Yet she kept pointing out that I was less than 2m.

I’d taken a lunch bag with me and the basket in my pram was already quite full, she didn’t have anything in hers so I asked if I could put my lunch bag under her pram.

She told me it wasn’t safe for me to do that because it’s risking spreading Covid.
I didn’t say anything about this, I just carried my own bag.

We sat down and ate our picnic and I suggested we let the babies play together but she was really against this idea and said the babies should distance.

As we were leaving and packing up, her sons blanket fell from the pram, I picked it up and gave it to her and she told me she didn’t want to take that now and I shouldn’t have touched it as it’s not safe and it’s how Covid spreads.
I apologised and told her I’d sanitised my hands after we’d eaten.

She told me to just put it under the pram, which I did.

She then said she would walk back to the car alone as the path was too small for us to distance so we said our goodbyes and we left.

She’s messaged saying she had a lovely day and would I like to do it again.

But I didn’t really have a lovely day, I felt on edge around her and I think I’d feel the same if we were to meet again.

Should I tell her that she was being too extreme? Or is it that I’m too relaxed??

No of course you should not tell her her behaviour is ‘odd’. She just has a more rigid approach than you. And may be more anxious / nervous than you.

And once you realised she was much more jumpy about big Darien than you you could perhaps of been a bit more sensitive to that.

Try again but in easier surroundings and be prepared for her tighter boundaries.

She might relax with practice but not by being told she is odd.

I don’t think you should tell her. If sticking to covid rules are your only concern.

If you meet her again, stick to the 2m and don’t touch her things.

Rightly or wrongly, that would drive me mad. It’s one thing to be careful; another to be so preoccupied that you put other people constantly on edge. Don’t know if I’d say anything or not (as she’s not technically wrong, perhaps) but that would put me off repeating the meet up for a while.

If this post had been from the friends POV, people would’ve definitely jumped on her and said she was OTT!!

Fir what it’s worth OP - I don’t think it sounds like you have done anything wrong.
I also don’t think your friend has either but she does sound very anxious.
Maybe a gentle text asking how she is or suggesting just the picnic next time?

I don’t know anyone who is making their children or babies socially distance so I think she’s unusual. I would just talk over zoom for now.

@corythatwas

How can a path be too narrow for single file?

It wasn’t! It just wasn’t quite wide enough for 2m distance but was wide enough to be 1m plus!

[quote missamericanpi3]@corythatwas

How can a path be too narrow for single file?

It wasn’t! It just wasn’t quite wide enough for 2m distance but was wide enough to be 1m plus![/quote]
@missamericanpi3

Glad you understand what I meant!!

The trouble is those suggesting meeting up again now you know what shes like is that the older the babies get the harder it will be to distance. Soon they wont be content to stay in their pushchairs for long and you'll need to stop and get them out to stop them getting fussy at which point they will inevitably crawl towards each other. Plus it's going to be colder and wetter soon and meeting up inside doesn't sound likely. The meet ups are only going to get more stressful so whilst it would be nice to try and be a support for her anxiety it doesn't sound like it's going to be less stressful if you wait a while.

I wouldn't let this one situation ruin your friendship, we are living in very tense times, and need to be flexible and understanding of others.
She is not intending to be 'uptight' but she is almost certainly feeling the pressure of having a baby in the middle of a pandemic, and that is understandable. Okay so you didn't enjoy the day, but there will be many more years when you will, when this is over, and you will laugh about your covid secure walks. Personally I would send a nice message back saying you look forward to seeing her soon, and then see her in the new year when you start nursery together. Keep in touch by text and phone calls, it will soon be too cold to do much more than that anyway.

It may have taken her a great deal to meet up with you in the first place, just leaving the house is proving difficult for some people, so we need to cut people, especially our friends and family some slack is my view.

My friend has taken her 11yo out of school and moved to a tiny village in France, where she also doesn't let him go to school but does online schooling. Emotionally blackmailed her partner to leave his interesting well paid career to go with them. That's extreme behaviour. I haven't mentioned it and I won't, just wished her luck with her choices.

@DrManhattan

I wouldn't be meeting her again. Too much drama.

This!! Bless her she has some severe anxiety problems, but at this point I'd have to step away from the friendship.

Your mental health is important too and being around someone like that would be awful.

I wouldn’t be doing that again anytime soon, sounds like an utter nightmare. I would respond that you found the anxiety surrounding the outing to be quite unsettling (no need to state it was HER anxiety, just keep in general), so would prefer to wait until restrictions are lifted to resume get-togethers. It’s an honest response that doesn’t cast blame.

It wasn’t! It just wasn’t quite wide enough for 2m distance but was wide enough to be 1m plus!

Exactly. Which is why I don't see why the OP couldn't simply go single file to allay her friend's anxieties.

I think she sounds absolutely ridiculous but sounds like I'm in the minority. I wouldnt be meeting up with her again

@pollymadetea

I met a friend for a walk / picnic yesterday. We’ve both got small babies (6 months)

It’s the first chance we’ve had to meet and I was really looking forward to it.

Turns out I found the afternoon quite stressful and didn’t enjoy it.

We started off having a walk but every few minutes she was reminding me to stay away from her and the baby and pointing out that I had broken the 2m “barrier”.

I hadn’t done this on purpose and I’m well aware of how to distance, but some paths were smaller than others so it wasn’t possible to be exactly two meters apart, although we weren’t far off!!
Yet she kept pointing out that I was less than 2m.

I’d taken a lunch bag with me and the basket in my pram was already quite full, she didn’t have anything in hers so I asked if I could put my lunch bag under her pram.

She told me it wasn’t safe for me to do that because it’s risking spreading Covid.
I didn’t say anything about this, I just carried my own bag.

We sat down and ate our picnic and I suggested we let the babies play together but she was really against this idea and said the babies should distance.

As we were leaving and packing up, her sons blanket fell from the pram, I picked it up and gave it to her and she told me she didn’t want to take that now and I shouldn’t have touched it as it’s not safe and it’s how Covid spreads.
I apologised and told her I’d sanitised my hands after we’d eaten.

She told me to just put it under the pram, which I did.

She then said she would walk back to the car alone as the path was too small for us to distance so we said our goodbyes and we left.

She’s messaged saying she had a lovely day and would I like to do it again.

But I didn’t really have a lovely day, I felt on edge around her and I think I’d feel the same if we were to meet again.

Should I tell her that she was being too extreme? Or is it that I’m too relaxed??

@pollymadetea

AIBU to tell my friend her behaviour was odd?

I met a friend for a walk yesterday. I was really looking forward to it. Turns out it was quite stressful and I didn’t enjoy it.

We were walking but every few minutes she broke the 2 metres rule and came too close. I kept reminding her but she kept doing it.

She asked me to carry some of her stuff in the pram and seemed really put out when I said it wasn’t safe because Covid can be transmitted on belongings.

When we sat down she suggested that our dribbling 6 month olds ‘play‘ together and seemed shocked that I told her no because it’s a Covid transmission risk

As we were leaving my DS’s blanket fell off the pram and before I could stop her, she scooped it up and seemed really upset that I didn’t want to put a potentially infected blanket back on my vulnerable baby.

I was worried she might feel offended so I texted her later to say I’d had a good time.

But I didn’t really have a lovely day, I felt on edge around her and I think I’d feel the same if we were to meet again.

Should I tell her that she was being too blasé and remind her we are in the middle of a global pandemic?

2 sides and all that...

Totally agree with @Sonders: neither of you are wrong or right per se, you just have different risk perceptions (apart from your thing on the babies playing together - they'll be at nursery in 3-4 months time: that's hardly a reason why it's OK to ignore SD now!) Set some clearer expectations and then things will be easier. Fwiw, I have friends who are as cautious as your friend (or more so!), and others who are FAR less cautious than me. We respect each other's boundaries and work to the most cautious person in the room. That means for some friends, we've met outside only, no sharing of physical items etc; with other friends, they are happy to come here and be given a cup of tea/for me to hold their babies; with others we've not met yet and are staying virtual. None are wrong.

@corythatwas

**
I don't see why the OP couldn't simply go single file to allay her friend's anxieties.**

@corythatwas

Pressed post too soon...

Well my friend didn’t go single file either, which she could’ve done if she wasn’t comfortable with the brief moments we were 1m plus!

She was already showing you her level of comfort, repeatedly, then you wanted to put the babies next to each other. That would have made you seem quite cavalier to me.
Even your response here - oh well, they’re in nursery together in January - is really dismissive. So what? That’s over 3 months away!

So whilst I think she was OTT about the frequent 2m reminders, I do expect that you came across as too casual and needing the reminders!

I don't think you did anything wrong, OP.

Keeping consistently 2 m apart when you are spending one-to-one time with someone is more difficult than it sounds. It didn't really sound like 'gentle' reminders, tbh.

And you following a normal human impulse to help (by picking up the blanket) and her responding so rudely despite having seen you sanitise your hands moments before is well into OTT territory, IMO.

Unfortunately some people are very black and white/extreme about all this - think that not perfectly adhering to practices designed to mitigate an already (statistically) low risk mean you will certainly and absolutely be infected. (You see it the other way round too - those who think masks are useless because they're not perfect so it's better to be without). I do think that particularly the way all this has been handled in the UK - minimising and dismissing at the beginning, which then necessitated a very sharp U-turn into spreading fear - has confused people into a degree of collective OCD.

She is perfectly entitled to express her wishes re distancing, babies playing together etc. You are also perfectly entitled not to go along with her fiction that it was a nice day and to decide and communicate (diplomatically) to her that you don't want to do it again in the current circumstances - if that is what you want.

Agree that doesn’t sound much fun OP. I’d reply and say something like ‘It was lovely to see you and baby today. Maybe next time we can meet somewhere that’s a bit easier to maintain social distancing as I know you were concerned, or maybe we just wait until it’s all calmed down a bit’.

@pollymadetea You did nothing wrong. You did not infect her with Covid by picking up her baby's blanket from the dirty floor.
You were outside. You do not have symptoms. You were socially distancing as well you could without actually enforcing invisible force shields. Your friend is no more at risk of developing covid after your meet up than before. Don't feel bad.
I would maintain an online friendship with her but don't meet again, who needs this level of guilt and self recrimination?

[quote missamericanpi3]@corythatwas

How can a path be too narrow for single file?

It wasn’t! It just wasn’t quite wide enough for 2m distance but was wide enough to be 1m plus![/quote]
But what plus? the plus part means ppe, screens, other protective measures, it does not mean just ignore the 2m it means if you can not do 2m you have to use other measures

I think maybe what I should do is carry a 2m stick with me from now on!!
I mean I’m actually in the vulnerable category, I have asthma so I certainly don’t want to catch it, but walking side by side, outdoors and very briefly being 1.5 meters apart didn’t strike me as being non compliant, or dangerous especially since the paths didn’t allow exactly 2m.

@kateclarke you sound like you’ve been planted on here by the government ‘We all need to be more careful to protect ourselves and our loved ones.’

I’d tell you it made you anxious and maybe it’s best not to meet until you can relax. I wouldn’t tell her she was wrong in her approach but I don’t know anyone going to those lengths.