To tell my friend her behaviour was odd...?

[pollymadetea]

I met a friend for a walk / picnic yesterday.
We’ve both got small babies (6 months)

It’s the first chance we’ve had to meet and I was really looking forward to it.

Turns out I found the afternoon quite stressful and didn’t enjoy it.

We started off having a walk but every few minutes she was reminding me to stay away from her and the baby and pointing out that I had broken the 2m “barrier”.

I hadn’t done this on purpose and I’m well aware of how to distance, but some paths were smaller than others so it wasn’t possible to be exactly two meters apart, although we weren’t far off!!
Yet she kept pointing out that I was less than 2m.

I’d taken a lunch bag with me and the basket in my pram was already quite full, she didn’t have anything in hers so I asked if I could put my lunch bag under her pram.

She told me it wasn’t safe for me to do that because it’s risking spreading Covid.
I didn’t say anything about this, I just carried my own bag.

We sat down and ate our picnic and I suggested we let the babies play together but she was really against this idea and said the babies should distance.

As we were leaving and packing up, her sons blanket fell from the pram, I picked it up and gave it to her and she told me she didn’t want to take that now and I shouldn’t have touched it as it’s not safe and it’s how Covid spreads.
I apologised and told her I’d sanitised my hands after we’d eaten.

She told me to just put it under the pram, which I did.

She then said she would walk back to the car alone as the path was too small for us to distance so we said our goodbyes and we left.

She’s messaged saying she had a lovely day and would I like to do it again.

But I didn’t really have a lovely day, I felt on edge around her and I think I’d feel the same if we were to meet again.

Should I tell her that she was being too extreme? Or is it that I’m too relaxed??

[missamericanpi3]

@Wtfdoipick

But what plus? the plus part means ppe, screens, other protective measures, it does not mean just ignore the 2m it means if you can not do 2m you have to use other measures

I wasn’t talking about PPE.
The OP said when they were less than 2m they were still more than 1meter, my plus was just identifying that they were more than a meter away!

[Wtfdoipick]

it wouldn't bother me either but everyone has their limits and I know some people who do push mine too far and completely disregard social distancing. She wants to stick to the guidelines completely and you are more relaxed over it. Neither are wrong just not compatible.

[Treesofwood]

Being outside by itself is a protective measure.

[Wtfdoipick]

@missamericanpi3 I understand that however the 1m plus does mean that you need to use additional protection it doesn't mean just ensure you are 1m apart.

[Bluntness100]

Op yes her behaviour was extreme and yes it indicates she is suffering from anxiety or such, and as you can see from this thread, she is not alone. She maybe didn’t even realise how she came across, because this behaviour is her new normal, she possibly also doesn’t go out much.

I’d maybe also just respond and say you had a great time, and will sort something out, maybe when it calms down. I doubt her child will be in nursery come JAN if this is still going on,

[101namesforme]

Wtfdoipick Wed 23-Sep-20 09:30:08
I understand that however the 1m plus does mean that you need to use additional protection it doesn't mean just ensure you are 1m apart.

Exactly! Why do people not understand that the plus is not more than one metre it is more than one metre plus other protective measures, like a mask etc etc And that only if you can't be 2m apart which is the ideal.

[Rubbleonthedouble1]

She sounds anxious. I think you need to be a better, more understanding friend x

[Asterion]

[quote Treesofwood]@pollymadetea You did nothing wrong. You did not infect her with Covid by picking up her baby's blanket from the dirty floor.
You were outside. You do not have symptoms. You were socially distancing as well you could without actually enforcing invisible force shields. Your friend is no more at risk of developing covid after your meet up than before. Don't feel bad.
I would maintain an online friendship with her but don't meet again, who needs this level of guilt and self recrimination?[/quote]
"You do not have symptoms" - er, that's why it's a pandemic! If only symptomatic people were able to spread it, we wouldn't be in this mess!

[missamericanpi3]

@101namesforme

Why do people not understand that the plus is not more than one metre it is more than one metre plus other protective measures, like a mask etc etc And that only if you can't be 2m apart which is the ideal.

OP said they were side by side, and that were outside... there is your plus.

[MolyHolyGuacamole]

I'd make an excuse. Far too extra

[TinySleepThief]

@Rubbleonthedouble1

She sounds anxious. I think you need to be a better, more understanding friend x

A fair point given the current situation but it's also really important to remember its not the OPs job to help her with her anxiety. It shouldn't be the responsibility of someone like the OP to try and make it all better.

[shesellsseashells99]

Way to over the top in my opinion and I thought I was cautious!

[ittakes2]

It sounds like she is anxious but it also sounds like you are a bit too carefree about things.

[NameChange84]

It wouldn’t be right to say her behaviour was odd...she was only sticking to the rules properly whilst you were quite casual about it all. She wasn’t wrong or odd to have stuck to distancing. But you equally shouldn’t do things you aren’t comfortable with so maybe suggest to her that you leave meeting up until after the pandemic and in the meantime keep communicating by phone/zoom etc.

[Throckmorton]

If the path is too narrow to be 2 metres apart, one of you needs to drop back and let the other one go ahead with 2 meters gap between you. You don't just start walking closer together because the path is narrow.

[missamericanpi3]

@Asterion

If only symptomatic people were able to spread it, we wouldn't be in this mess!

If you look on the WHO website, it’s stated there that asymptomatic isn’t a big transmission risk!

[randomer]

I suppose its like a personal risk assessment. You have to factor in mental health to this. If your mental health is being compromised by these meet ups, then sorry its not a good thing for you.

[Avvii]

So your friend wanted to follow the covid guidelines and you didn’t want to bother, but she’s the one with issues? I’m glad my friends and I are able to have lovely days our without risking each other or our babies. Shame you aren’t willing to do this for your friend.

[bluebirdsong]

I don’t she’s being odd at all just cautious and following the rules to the letter. It probably would have been less stressful if you had just accepted that and not kept suggesting & doing things that made her uncomfortable.
As someone else said the 1m plus needs to a include the ‘plus’ bit.

[Badger2033]

I would just say - the walk was a bit stressful due to distancing. Next time why don’t we do a garden / park meet and just have coffee and a chat?

She is being OTT in my opinion but I think she could do with your friendship rn!

[kateclarke]

@BluFox I can’t even explain how offensive your comment is.

I have PTSD from what I witnessed in my COVID ICU a few months ago, and am now facing a second wave.

It’s heartbreaking when people are not taking it seriously. And FYI I hate this government.

[TinySleepThief]

I’m glad my friends and I are able to have lovely days our without risking each other or our babies. Shame you aren’t willing to do this for your friend.

I think its pretty harsh to say the OP was risking her friend and their child. That's a pretty dramatic way of framing the situation.

[wizzbangfizz]

I wouldn't be seeing her again, you obviously don't have much in common apart from the babies and I would be exhausted by this.

[WellThisIsShit]

It does sound stressful but I think you missed some repeated cues she was sending to ask you to respect her need to be more distant & adhere to social distancing properly... and you ignored her again and again. Which must have ramped up her anxiety more & more throughout the meet up. Resulting in more extreme behaviour from her.

Then you complain when she gets gradually more and more anxious and distressed?

You appear to have deleted your role in this situation which is interesting - I think you’re so convinced you are right that you cannot see how you contributed to create the uncomfortableness of the situation for your friend, just as she ended up doing for you.

I don’t think you meant to at all, but either you are so wrapped up in believing you have The One Right Way to behave in this rapidly changing, currently deteriorating global pandemic, Or you were being very insensitive to her anxieties, cues and needs to act in a slightly different way.

To be honest, It sounds like you engaged in a tug of war / power struggle, deliberately forcing into her your ‘more relaxed’ rules and trying to make her behave as you wanted.

Why not be more sensitive to her needs?

Was there any reason you had to go at it again and again, trying to impose your ideas of How close you should be and transmission behaviours?

If she’s not that valuable a friend to you, then him her, as she needs people around her who can respect her needs and not create such a exhausting time of it. If you actually like her, then maybe try again and do a bit of give and take, listen to what she’s telling you from the beginning, and perhaps if you’re being sensitive to her needs as well as your own, the whole thing won’t escalate into the stressful experience it was this time.

[Livelovebehappy]

We’re all in the same boat I think with families and friends. From the extreme of one of my family thinking the whole Covid thing is nonsense, going about his life as normal, refusing to follow the rules, to a friend who, when we met yesterday, literally had a panic attack when I touched her arm without thinking. Maybe avoid social meet-ups with your friend at the moment, sticking to virtual or social media chats, and meet up with someone who is as relaxed as you are. Neither of you are right or wrong - it’s just different viewpoints on how you want to deal with the Covid situation.