To tell my friend her behaviour was odd...?

[pollymadetea]

I met a friend for a walk / picnic yesterday.
We’ve both got small babies (6 months)

It’s the first chance we’ve had to meet and I was really looking forward to it.

Turns out I found the afternoon quite stressful and didn’t enjoy it.

We started off having a walk but every few minutes she was reminding me to stay away from her and the baby and pointing out that I had broken the 2m “barrier”.

I hadn’t done this on purpose and I’m well aware of how to distance, but some paths were smaller than others so it wasn’t possible to be exactly two meters apart, although we weren’t far off!!
Yet she kept pointing out that I was less than 2m.

I’d taken a lunch bag with me and the basket in my pram was already quite full, she didn’t have anything in hers so I asked if I could put my lunch bag under her pram.

She told me it wasn’t safe for me to do that because it’s risking spreading Covid.
I didn’t say anything about this, I just carried my own bag.

We sat down and ate our picnic and I suggested we let the babies play together but she was really against this idea and said the babies should distance.

As we were leaving and packing up, her sons blanket fell from the pram, I picked it up and gave it to her and she told me she didn’t want to take that now and I shouldn’t have touched it as it’s not safe and it’s how Covid spreads.
I apologised and told her I’d sanitised my hands after we’d eaten.

She told me to just put it under the pram, which I did.

She then said she would walk back to the car alone as the path was too small for us to distance so we said our goodbyes and we left.

She’s messaged saying she had a lovely day and would I like to do it again.

But I didn’t really have a lovely day, I felt on edge around her and I think I’d feel the same if we were to meet again.

Should I tell her that she was being too extreme? Or is it that I’m too relaxed??

The issue is, nothing she did is actually wrong. Picking stuff up and passing it to people is increasing your risk. Getting closer than 2m is going to increase risk. So I wouldn’t say odd as such, but very strictly adhering to the rules.

Having said that, I probably only think it’s normal because her behaviour is exactly like my husband’s. You can tell how fun my lockdown has been....

I don't know where to stand on the overall question, but I really don't get the path thing. How can a path be too narrow for single file?

Yes she sounds as if she's over anxious, and I can understand why you found it stressful. Maybe it's because the transmission rate is going up again? Or maybe she's suffering from PND, which is making her more anxious than she would normally be?

I agree with PPs that it might be an idea to suggest to your friend that you wait until the transmission rate has gone down again (though that might be a while away).

She puts more emphasis on surface infection that I would, but have you considered that she wouldn't have had to keep gently reminding you of the rules if you hadn't kept breaking them?

Two metres was chosen for safety reasons and it was relaxed for economic ones. One metre plus means "two meters wherever possible. And out in the open isn't it always possible?

@Horizons83

Picking stuff up and passing it to people is increasing your risk

Maybe I’ve just been too relaxed then.
I mean I sanitised my hands straight after eating and I hadn’t touched anything before picking up her blanket.
She had her hands full and I just thought I was doing a nice thing helping her out, it was just instinct to grab it and help.

I really didn’t think I was putting her at risk. ☹️

She’s obviously concerned about covid and following measures to avoid risk. It’s not really a mystery why she was being like this

It sounds like you’re taking different approaches to the risk. I don’t think she was being in the wrong, just be aware if you meet again that she is following these measures and being careful.

I don't think you should tell her her behaviour is odd, no: and unlike others on this thread I think cutting her off and deciding you won't see her until restriction are over is a complete overreaction, and likely to isolate someone who is probably vulnerable at the mo. I also think that all need to navigate a new way of socialising - and taking into account how different people feel about risk and respecting that. Knowing she was trying to maintain 2 m strictly, I would have thought suggesting your babies 'play together'; picking up stuff of hers etc would be easily avoided going forward without too much effort on your part.

Why not have an adult conversation to see what rules the two of you can organise between you ' it would be great to see you, but I'm conscious that we probably have different attitudes to covid risk at the moment - what can we do to make it work for both of us? I'm thinking we go somewhere with more space (like xx) so social distancing is easier, and I'll make sure I don't touch anything of yours without checking first. Then we can both feel more relaxed'. It's the first time you've met up, and she may have reasons for being more careful that you're not aware of. I hate to say it, but be kind is a relevant message here!

Great suggestions @AndwhenyougetthereFoffsomemore

She does sound at the anxious end of the spectrum of people’s reactions to Covid. I have a friend like this. I still want to see her, so I respect her wishes and humour her by following her rules. It doesn’t bother me because I care about my friend and understand she has issues with anxiety. I think it would be mean of you to tell your friend she’s odd, or not to see her. It’s probably better to err on the cautious side anyway.

You don't know what else she's dealing with in her life.

Assuming that you could bung your lunch under her pram, because yours was full of your shit stuff, was pretty unreasonable. You want to carry your lunch - tidy up your basket!

And the two metre advice is there for a reason. You kept breaking into her comfort zone, she asked you not too. YABU.

@ChavvySexPond

have you considered that she wouldn't have had to keep gently reminding you of the rules if you hadn't kept breaking them?

But that’s the problem, I really didn’t think I “kept breaking them”

I maintained good distance from her other than when the paths on our walks were slightly narrower but even then we were a good meter away from each other.
Even on the paths which were wider she kept reminding me to stay away but at that point we were definitely 2m away.

I just got the impression she thought she would instantly catch it if we were less than 2m even for a few seconds.

From your replies you clearly don't think you did anything wrong, but I'll go against the grain - I think your friend was right. There's no evidence regarding the long term effects of Covid, so I would't be taking risks around my small baby, no matter how silly it might seem to my friends. She was only following the government guidelines, so branding her anxious and OCD is very harsh in my opinion.

I agree with the country park ideas above, much easier to social distance.

I think everyone needs to do everything possible to reduce the chance of transmission, and so she’s right to be concerned about touch and interaction with each other’s belongings and doing things that are unnecessary.

But she sounds overly stressed about the constantly mentioning 2m apart thing, that would have done my head in, particularly if you’re quite clearly staying as far away as is physically possible given the surroundings!

@Asterion

Assuming that you could bung your lunch under her pram, because yours was full of your shit stuff, was pretty unreasonable. You want to carry your lunch - tidy up your basket!

Haha fair point, mine was very full, but all relevant to what I needed.
I only asked as hers was empty, I didn’t assume I could.
But if she’d asked me if she could put a small bag under my pram I wouldn’t have thought it would increase my risk of Covid?

I am finding that some people are very anxious about this virus and catching it. I have friends who are perfectly healthy and acting like this. I try to sympathise but it id wearing thin now when they dont sympathise back to my position (dm and dc both in extremely vunrable category and are both at present extremely ill)

Neither of you are wrong and that means you need to respect her stricter adherence to the rules. You can only “behave loosely” with the rules if you are both comfortable with it.

Paths are tricky to navigate at the moment. I’ve been doing a lot of country walking and where it narrows, the etiquette seems to be that’s one person shoves themself into a bush and turns their back while everyone mumbles “thank you”....

Keep meeting up but be mindful of the rules and her anxiety. You need friends like this and this time of your life: you may be friends for a long time and you won’t regret putting in the effort now.

"The path just wasn’t wide enough to be exactly 2m apart. We were definitely a meter apart probably even more, just not exactly 2m.
So I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong as I was never too close to her, even when the paths were smaller I know we were
at least a meter apart!!"

But why not go single file??

OTT but she may have other anxiety in her life. If you decide to meet up again at least you know to be extra, extra careful around her. Doesn't sound like too much fun but sounds like she could do with a friend.

This would have drove me crazy. Some people are just incapable of risk assessing so have to follow rules to the letter unfortunately. Sounds like a miserable day out.

I would wait a while before you meet her again. Yes we do all have to be careful but she sounds extremely anxious and that will make you on edge for future outings. I would text her and say you would rather wait and until the virus has calmed down a bit more so that you can all enjoy meeting up with out the worry.

@namechangetheworld

From your replies you clearly don't think you did anything wrong

Well I didn’t, but I do now with these replies.

I agree that suggesting the babies play is breaking the rules. But they are registered at the same nursery and start in the new year so they won’t distance then.

But I really don’t think I could’ve done anymore on our walk, even when I was 2m away and the path got a fraction smaller she kept reminding me that I wasn’t 2m, but I was definitely much over a meter away and it was only because of the path why I wasn’t exactly 2m, which wasn’t my fault but she made me feel like I was doing it on purpose.

I obviously shouldn’t have touched her blanket but I’d sanitised my hands only a few minutes before and it was just an instinctive reaction to help her out.

It just seems like your friend is extra cautious/anxious about COVID, and you're a little extra defensive/anxious about how your friend perceived your actions around COVID.

Nobody has done anything wrong, nobody is odd. You're a little out of sync after one meeting during a ruddy pandemic. Who wouldn't be?

Now you know your friend's boundaries, so if you do want to go out again (which sounds like a lovely thing to do) - you'll be used to it.

Sadly she seems to be very over anxious about it. That could come from recently having a baby or maybe she just gets anxious in general.
In any case, I wouldn’t really want to meet again soon and would put her off for a while, then meet again in a couple of months and see if it’s any better

She knows shes pissed you off and that could be why she sent the nice msg.
I'd just send a polite one back and see how you feel in a few weeks.
I was a bit anxious like your friend at the start of lockdown. Everyone reacts differently. Now the weather has turned I'm not sure how you could see each other. Doesnt sound like she would want to meet indoors?

Oh god, that sounds dull and tense OP, YANBU. Thankfully none of my friends are that bad as I really wouldn’t enjoy being around them.

I’d just text back saying ‘Was so lovely to see you and (baby’s name’) we’ll definitely have to do it again, it might be better to wait until Covid’s died down a bit though.’ She surely won’t argue with that as it doesn’t sound like she’s really happy to socialise anyway atm.

Be thankful she isn’t a close, close friend I guess as avoiding her socially would be a lot more difficult!