Guess this years John Lewis advert

[Tellmetruth4]

A friend WhatsApped me the following which made me PMSL. I don’t think it will end up being too far from the truth:

‘Absolutely dreading the John Lewis Christmas advert this year. Probably a cover of Fix You by a children’s choir, singing to all their nan’s via Zoom while they stand on their doorsteps freezing their tits off to clap for the NHS in the 4th lockdown of the year’.

What do you think this years JL Christmas advert will be?

Lesson.

I loved this one I saw on Twitter, courtesy @brookslivermore:

A smiling Captain Tom leads the march (like Peter Kaye) as people join him; think Joe Wicks, Nhs Workers, Newborn babies, Jeff Besos, Santa, Marcus Rashford - all the way to Banard Castle

Accompanied by a Slowed down, acoustic version of ‘Show me the way to Amarillo’

Loads of people fighting in an Asda over toilet rolls and pasta shapes with Alice Cooper "schools out for summer" playing in the background and then merging into Halloween and Christmas season showing Boris's wife struggling to look after those kids with no nanny etc, learning to carve a pumpkin, fucking up the Christmas dinner with Bonnie Tyler "I need a hero" playing in the background then BJ walks in with a stupid Christmas hat on and festive tie.

JL. customer services have tweeted that it wisnae them...

Most epic thread EVER. I am in complete awe of you all . Really think JL should read it and make at least six ads , one for each week of the interminable build up to the big day 😂😂

@mumwon . Shades of the Vicar Of Dibley!

Haha love it op. This made me chuckle as your friend is undoubtably right!

Xmas dinner, everyone (6) round the table, mistletoe, turkey, xmas crackers and mince pies etc - some people in masks, some in hazma suits, some are visibly ill, one is on a ventilator, and grandma/pa propped up in a coffin (guess they don't count towards the 6). 'Silent Night' playing; or Slade, I can't decide.

@SequinsandStiIettos It was me that said rainbow connection, can’t believe they used the Muppets song for their autumn ad, how funny

But as @bookmum08 rightly pointed out all I could think about were giant crumpets, bet Warburtons are pleased!

@NancyBotwinBloom omg that was gold 🤣

A bleak scene of JL and Partners employees all opening their December pay packets only to find, despite going above and beyond, no Christmas bonus this year, the breathy slow version of You Can’t Always Get What You Want playing in the background. But, wait, what’s this? Just as it gets to the part that says ‘You just might find, you get what you neeeed!’ they all realise they’ve been gifted a Waitrose Heston Blumenthal The Hidden Orange Christmas Pudding. Ahhhh.

This thread has made me become the Mumsnet cliche - ‘I am literally crying with laughter.’ I didn’t think that actually happened

This is all I've got....

Starts with the back of Santa’s head sitting alongside some elves in the North Pole looking at tv screen seeing Boris stating the latest rules.

Elves are scribbling hurriedly on a scroll of paper.

Montage follows
Just 4 of the reindeer twice as far apart social distances trying to fly the sleigh straight but dipping in and out of the bottom of the screen with Santa looking terrified.

A blurry snowy scene that goes crisply into focus to show Santa at Barnards Castle adjusting his bifocals.

Climbs down the chimney (which is sooty) and arrives with soot on his face, coughs from the soot and camera pans sideways to a shocked looking elf who freezes look worried and slowly put on its face mask. Santa looks disappointed to see a only a single gingernut and half a glass of soya milk has been left for him.

Santa places a gift under the tree in shadow.

Cut to next day, family wakes up- the gifts are all wrapped in newspaper which everyone looks a bit surprised about. Gran on zoom in the background.

Dad appears to have been given a bidet. Mom seems delighted with a pair of ear plugs and a bottle of gin.

The kids all have headphones for their devices and the latest game and all run off in different directions leaving mom and dad looking delighted.

Just one more gift left... for the poor old family dog... box is torn open and you see the word “peloton”. Cut to a scene of a delighted dog running on a treadmill staring excitedly into a screen with a beautiful countryside scene with a squirrel just in front of him.

“Here’s to everyone who’s tried to make Christmas work despite the circumstances”

To the tune of a jingle festive version of “we can work it out” by the Beatles

I think it'll show hospital staff dashing around a ward with all the beeps and scary hospital noises. Then pans to one doctor taking a package for one of the patients and it's a John Lewis branded soft toy eg polar bear or similar wintry animal, handed over by a suitably disinfected grandchild, Doctor turns to patient in question ready to hand them the gift and everything goes all slow and the noises quiet all of a sudden and a tinkly breathy female cover of Coldplay's 'Fix You' starts up in the background.

It will be an animation, not live action, as the production industry shut down in March when they would have started making it.

They've done monsters, penguins, bears and hares. What social winter animals are there, that are cute to sell in the shops? Wolves maybe - wolf packs that have to isolate? Maybe ice age children making friends with wolves.

I'm going for an Ice Age animation theme. With or without wolves. Messaging about community and being stronger together - all lighting their cave fires at each other.

Music - anaemic cover of Belinda Carlise's 'Leave a light on'.

Hilarious!

@Judashascomeintosomemoney

A bleak scene of JL and Partners employees all opening their December pay packets only to find, despite going above and beyond, no Christmas bonus this year, the breathy slow version of You Can’t Always Get What You Want playing in the background. But, wait, what’s this? Just as it gets to the part that says ‘You just might find, you get what you neeeed!’ they all realise they’ve been gifted a Waitrose Heston Blumenthal The Hidden Orange Christmas Pudding. Ahhhh.

I love it! Can we get the CEO of JL to play a reformed Scrooge-like character, handing out the xmas puds to grateful employees? Hopefully one of them will have an adorable, Tiny Tim type kid with big eyes to take the pudding and say "gawd bless John Lewis and Partners".

I work for them, just saying!

A fluffy animal of some description, gathering nuts and berries and coming back to the nest each day, exhausted by their efforts. Including animals looking wistfully into patio doors seeing the NHS worker exhaustedly flipping down, the elderly couple looking at photos of their grandkids (cue stroking the frame), Cut to the end when a pile of fluffy animals each sit on a toad stool within a fairy ring (natural social distancing outside but only six mind you) and look gratefully at their nut/berry in front of them. Mum and dad fluffy look proudly at their fluffy offspring. All alongside a cracking female voice covering blue christmas.

See some people have the advert correct but the store wrong.

John Lewis will feature NHS worker/ Zoom Granny/ Captain Tom(with obligatory toy that I will probably buy 🙈).

The champagne ‘bubbles’ are M&S.

World War 2 flashback is Sainsburys (after all it’s worked for them before).

The Elves are Very.

The young lad giving the old lady his last toilet roll is more downmarket, probably ASDA.

And they’ll all be topped by trusty old Kevin the carrot and his socially distanced Christmas party.

Oh and Jason Manford will be our delivering Christmas dinner to the vulnerable in his Iceland van.

I think sir Tom will feature. Everyone loves him. And knowing him, he'll donate the fee to charity.

Or maybe they won't have a big advert due to finances this year?

Aren't they closing shops?

Ok so I’ve been driving and I think I’ve come up with Waitrose’s offering.

A young, slim, pretty teacher sits at her desk looking exhausted in front of around 10 children all sat at individual desks, spaces at least 2m apart. They’re about 5 but all wearing blazers and ties and colouring ‘Merry Christmas Keyworkers” pictures. The smallest boy peeps in to his desk (bonus points for old fashioned desk that lifts up) to reveal a glimpse of a gift with a huge sparkly ribbon tied around it (so you can see that it’s a Waitrose product. I’d like it to be Prosecco but I’m not sure a small child would be allowed to hide alcohol in school all day on TV 😂 so maybe it’s shortbread). The bell rings and the teacher sees the children, who are all wrapped up in hard and scarves, out to their uniformly middle class parents and the little boy hangs back and places the present on the teacher’s desk then runs out to his mum, who is wearing scrubs (she’ll have to forgo a coat unfortunately). They hug and walk away.

Teacher goes back in and finds the gift, she looks visibly less exhausted and smiles to herself. She wraps herself up and trudges home through the snow. When she gets there, there’s a lovely, wholesome young man in a Christmas jumper waiting for her with a table full of Waitrose nibbles. She settles down on the sofa, takes the lid off the shortbread and they share some together. This is the advert that will have the theme of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas I think.