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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSS pregnant girlfriend

346 replies

19claire88 · 22/09/2020 06:49

Not sure is a AIBU but here we go.

My DSS girlfriend could possibly be pregnant she’s 14 he’s 16. The mother of the girlfriend is a friend to me has been for the last 9 months so it’s a new friendship not bothered about losing it tbh.

It complicates further when she calls yesterday morning to say daughter possibly pregnant we’re keeping it a secret no one is to know. Which is fine her body her choice mother is pushing for an abortion.

My only concern is that by keeping this such a secret and not telling DSS mother or father about this is we possibly risk doing this all over again cause clearly those kids are able to take safe precautions. Mother hasn’t provided contraception and DSS has contraception. We asked him if they were having sex flat out denied it. Sex talk given anyway.

Mother is saying it remains a secret due to how her husband will react.

I’m disgusted with both of them don’t want to engage in the cover up of their mistake, having this information has eaten away at me.

I feel 1 parent of DSS needs to know so they can appropriately deal with DSS cause daughters mother is still having him stay overnight, days out are being planned life goes on normally. Mother is totally burying her head in the sand about the seriousness of this and I’m expected to lie to girlfriends father, DSS mother and father.

We don’t agree with the overnight stays but the whole family are very overwhelming and DSS just does what they say. He’s like a puppet on a string.

Would I be unreasonable to tell at least one parent of DSS, so they can deal with this. DSS was the result of a teen pregnancy so I know his mother will handle this correctly in my eyes as opposed to girlfriends mother who is just ignoring the seriousness of the situation.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 23/09/2020 08:47

I think you're absolutely right OP. It's not right that you're left parenting whilst your DH travels. It's his responsibility.

Valkadin · 23/09/2020 09:14

I think op one of the reasons people were jumping on you a bit is it was not obvious that you had only had this information for 24 hours. In all this of course you needed to tell your own partner first and I would just question why you would not tell him immediately.

Original poster
19claire88 · 23/09/2020 10:06

I wanted to give SS a chance to own up to this but ultimately he couldn’t. His dad is now well aware of what has happened. And understands why There was hesitation from my end because it was an awful position to have been put in.

The mother thought I would have been a supporting friend in the matter which in ever could be because i have a duty of care to a 16 year old, I’m not the boys mother but I play somewhat of a mother figure in his life and that clearly was forgotten. What’s sad is I’ve not had any contact from him since Monday so I feel by not holding his secret that’s ultimately killed our relationship but my loyalty was never to him it always lies with my DP.

I hope SS parents learn from this and stop being so lenient towards him and start to dish out the harsh realities of the world to him.

OP posts:
Angelina82 · 23/09/2020 10:09

I’ve had no one to talk about this with other then the mother who has made threats about my DP drinking himself to death 🙄

What does the last part of this sentence even mean? Confused Bring back Jeremy Kyle. At least you got recaps on his show.

Angelina82 · 23/09/2020 10:25

Out of interest if your DSS spends every waking hour with his gf’s family when does he see his dad?

Original poster
19claire88 · 23/09/2020 10:33

This is the type of nonsense she’s been saying to keep me quiet my DP doesn’t have a drinking problem but she thinks he get one if he found out. It’s complete bullshit.

To be honest he doesn’t much at all, he chooses to spend his time with the girlfriend. And this needs addressing he’s constantly at theirs I’m not sure if And when he’s going back to his mums now. Which is something his parents need to address I can highlight this fact but is it my place to step in and mention to the his mother I’m not sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
19claire88 · 23/09/2020 10:38

I don’t know where I place myself in this situation as a step parent, unless i come across as trying to over parent a child that isn’t mine which could potentially upset his mother. My place in this situation has ended I can support my DP and provide the facts I been given, but the parents now need to step in and make the decisions for their child.

I don’t like this family and the controlling manner they seem to have over everyone, and myself have let a situation develop right in front of me. I can speak my opinion and I’ll back away from them myself but I’m not the one to say SS needs to limit his time there now.

OP posts:
dexterslockedintheshedagain · 23/09/2020 12:15

FWIW, @19claire88, you sound like a fab stepmum, with your head screwed on. You've done your best, it's up to his biological parents now. There's clearly something wrong with gf and her family. The mother sounds like a nut job.
Well handled. Thanks for you

Ginfordinner · 23/09/2020 12:18

@dexterslockedintheshedagain

FWIW, *@19claire88*, you sound like a fab stepmum, with your head screwed on. You've done your best, it's up to his biological parents now. There's clearly something wrong with gf and her family. The mother sounds like a nut job. Well handled. Thanks for you
Well said
Emmelina · 23/09/2020 12:59

The family sounds loopy! I would assume being so underage if she is actually pregnant (and the mum isn’t playing some silly game), that a 14 year old requesting an abortion would attract social services attention. Don’t quote me on that (as I’ve not known of a 14 year old aborting and the later involvement) but as you’ve rightly highlighted OP there’s a safeguarding issue in play here.

Original poster
19claire88 · 23/09/2020 13:26

From my end of things I’ll be removing myself away from this family if DP wants to remain in contact that will have to be done separately and not under our roof.

Hopefully a safe guarding issue can be raised with the school and the children from the family can be supported.

OP posts:
Figgygal · 23/09/2020 14:28

You’ve done the right thing
It all sounds very dysfunctional and also sounds like your partner and ex need to step up and parent their son

birthdaybelle · 23/09/2020 14:55

No there would be no SS involvement otherwise young girls would be scared to go for an abortion and we'd have babies down drains etc.

She will need doctors approval though (not her doctor necessarily, she'll probably go to a centre) and they'll talk to her about everything and find out if she wants help.

OP I think you've handled the card you were dealt perfectly. Well done. Now huge step back and let them get on with it. As a stepmum you're only listened to if the advice suits the recipient

I actually think the girl's mum misjudged your emotional intelligence and value system and thought she could draw you in to all the drama in a gossipy way. People like that assume everyone is the same and get shocked when someone "does the right thing"

Original poster
19claire88 · 23/09/2020 16:59

No doubt she thought I would side with her on this I totally understand it’s her daughter her body her decision but it’s my DPs son and he clearly he’s a massive talking too and new boundaries put in place.

My advice has been so move away from this family and the dramas that go with them. They owe us some money which I feel should be written off just to have the clean break everyone needs.

Not sure how this will work for SS but if he wants to participate in the family unit we have with his dad he now needs to follow the rules and boundaries which will be discussed when he returns Friday.

OP posts:
LakieLady · 23/09/2020 17:06

I don’t know where I place myself in this situation as a step parent, unless i come across as trying to over parent a child that isn’t mine which could potentially upset his mother

As a fellow SP, I know just what you mean. It's a very difficult position to be in sometimes. It must be especially hard for you, OP, with your DH/DP being away so much.

monkeymonkey2010 · 23/09/2020 18:05

they seem to want to have some control over him and that extends to my DP

I've met people like this. They worm their way in so insidiously, the emotional manipulation and mind games they play constantly and it's always full on.
It's done in a manner that no matter how you personally try to manage it - you will found in the 'wrong'.

As the girl is 14 and technically your DSS has had sex with a minor, they will be holding this knowledge in their arsenal to use at some point when they realise that you are not to be controlled or manipulated as parents.....hence why i'd be seriously thinking about informing the police as well as school.
DSS won't get into trouble but the police will give him a talk on the legal stuff and maybe that will instill some sense into him?
I'm sure the police can also help you to deal with this family officially too - will they ignore the police too when told by them to leave your son alone?

monkeymonkey2010 · 23/09/2020 18:07

they'll be after your DP paying for the maintenance towards the child if the 14 year old ends up having a kid to DSS.......you might want to point that out to your DP.....

birthdaybelle · 23/09/2020 18:37

@LakieLady I had this too. My ex worked away a lot and contact would continue even when he was away so I'd have DSD at my house, needing to be parented, but I had no rights and was never listened to. It's awful and I feel for OP

Original poster
19claire88 · 23/09/2020 19:05

As a step parents it’s a fine line as your either over stepping the mark or not doing enough.
As an adult I thought I would allow SS a chance to come clean and treat him like the adult he claims to be and it’s shown he’s still a child scared of his parents reactions, I hope they both realise they gave him to much freedom and this is what happens.

I’m worried that this will be used against me as A you keep things from DP thing if that makes sense. Fortunately I took some advice from further up the thread and have confined in a close friend and created a paper trail of messages stating that I will inform DP as soon as he called. I’ve done this to hopefully show it was always my intention to speak out about this DP.

SS has clearly played into the control and mind games thing and that’s something which will need to be deal with ASAP otherwise I feel him staying at the GFs will be permanent.

OP posts:
prh47bridge · 23/09/2020 19:13

they'll be after your DP paying for the maintenance towards the child if the 14 year old ends up having a kid to DSS

They won't get anywhere with that. The OP's DP would not be liable for maintenance.

Emmelina · 23/09/2020 19:24

Maybe the money they owe you will “pay for an abortion, so you’re square now”. Could that be something they’d try to pull?

2bazookas · 23/09/2020 19:52

@Emmelina

Maybe the money they owe you will “pay for an abortion, so you’re square now”. Could that be something they’d try to pull?
no point, the girl can get a free abortion on the NHS
2bazookas · 23/09/2020 20:05

@combatbarbie

Regardless of what it may be called these days.... DSS could still be charged with a sexual offence.
Only if it was non-consensual. So far as we know the girl was a willing partner, borne out by the fact it happened several times in her home with her mothers knowledge and consent, and the boy is still welcome there.

Read other posts about consensual teen sex in UK.

JulesCobb · 23/09/2020 20:20

Why did your dh say when he called you back?

gottakeeponmovin · 23/09/2020 20:55

Your husband needs to get his bars back home