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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSS pregnant girlfriend

346 replies

19claire88 · 22/09/2020 06:49

Not sure is a AIBU but here we go.

My DSS girlfriend could possibly be pregnant she’s 14 he’s 16. The mother of the girlfriend is a friend to me has been for the last 9 months so it’s a new friendship not bothered about losing it tbh.

It complicates further when she calls yesterday morning to say daughter possibly pregnant we’re keeping it a secret no one is to know. Which is fine her body her choice mother is pushing for an abortion.

My only concern is that by keeping this such a secret and not telling DSS mother or father about this is we possibly risk doing this all over again cause clearly those kids are able to take safe precautions. Mother hasn’t provided contraception and DSS has contraception. We asked him if they were having sex flat out denied it. Sex talk given anyway.

Mother is saying it remains a secret due to how her husband will react.

I’m disgusted with both of them don’t want to engage in the cover up of their mistake, having this information has eaten away at me.

I feel 1 parent of DSS needs to know so they can appropriately deal with DSS cause daughters mother is still having him stay overnight, days out are being planned life goes on normally. Mother is totally burying her head in the sand about the seriousness of this and I’m expected to lie to girlfriends father, DSS mother and father.

We don’t agree with the overnight stays but the whole family are very overwhelming and DSS just does what they say. He’s like a puppet on a string.

Would I be unreasonable to tell at least one parent of DSS, so they can deal with this. DSS was the result of a teen pregnancy so I know his mother will handle this correctly in my eyes as opposed to girlfriends mother who is just ignoring the seriousness of the situation.

OP posts:
TitsOutForHarambe · 22/09/2020 12:05

Yesterday I brought a digital test and the girl messed it up so I’ve got another one here which she refused to take

Yeah... she's not pregnant.

MadameButterface · 22/09/2020 12:06

You need to phone social services now, during office hours. Later on when all the parents have finished whatever jobs they have that are more important than the safeguarding of their teenage son and this 14 yo girl they will be shut and it will be too late and you’ll be shrugging your shoulders

Original poster
19claire88 · 22/09/2020 12:08

I have known for 24hrs they’ve been sexually active we have asked SS several times and he’s refused to answer but he’s been given the talk everytime, the mother has known for weeks and not disclosed this to anyone, nor has she spoken about the types on protection she can use along side condoms

OP posts:
combatbarbie · 22/09/2020 12:12

Why does a 14yr old NEED a 16yr old. This all sounds very toxic and at this stage I don't believe she is pregnant anyway.

She needs to be careful who she's talking too.... Will only take one person to call the police and DSS is done for statutory rape.

Original poster
19claire88 · 22/09/2020 12:13

This thread is now turning into something that’s now unhelpful, I’m a step parent in a situation that shouldn’t have involved me as the 1st port of call. Parents will be told later when they are at home and can deal with the situation and then it’s up to them to deal with it.

OP posts:
Jux · 22/09/2020 12:16

@mrsmummy1111

With all due respect, you need to get a backbone. Your OH needs to March round there, grab the SIXTEEN yr old by the back of the neck and drag him home, kicking and screaming if needs be. He is a minor, and your responsibility - not his girlfriends mother. Who gives a shit if the girlfriend "needs" him, this entire situation is absolutely bizarre and ridiculous. The lack of control you have over your DSS and the amount of control you are allowing the girlfriends mother to have is astonishing
Yes.

You need to tell his dad, preferably today. So what if he can't rush home (though people can rush home in the event of a family emergency)? You can still talk together about how to deal with SS, how to bring him under the wing of you or his mum, different approaches, etc. Discussions can be had between you and your partner and between DSS parents.

Sooner the better, frankly.

IrmaFayLear · 22/09/2020 12:18

It’s the dad’s job to storm round and pull his ds out by the ear and frogmarch him home. I doubt whether the gf is pregnant, but he should be parachuted out before she is.

ghostyslovesheets · 22/09/2020 12:19

A homeless 16 year old would usually be subject to local authority care - 16 year olds can not just leave home - they aren’t entitled to benefits (usually) or a tenancy

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 22/09/2020 12:23

Nobody can frogmarch the lad anywhere, hes 16 and can leave home if he wishes.

If the op and boys parents go in like a bull in a China shop they will alienate the lad, and possibly drive him to move in there.

They are much better reporting to the school and SS on behalf of the 14yo, the mother is clearly gossiping about this all over the place so nobody will know who reported this.

I think you're doing the right thing waiting for your dh to come home so you can discuss this with him face to face, and come up with a plan.

Good luck op, sorry you've been put in this shitty position Flowers

Original poster
19claire88 · 22/09/2020 12:23

I’ve left a message on DPs phone as he didn’t answer to call when he can, then he can inform SS mum and they can decide together how to handle this

OP posts:
dexterslockedintheshedagain · 22/09/2020 12:25

I feel for you OP. Your DSS has an extremely unhealthy relationship with that family, and it's not just as simple as dragging him home.
Who is paying for his food, clothing etc? Does he have any income at all? Would the girls mother even be able to cope if he were there permanently?

perfumeistooexpensive · 22/09/2020 12:31

Is the gf at school? If so, the safeguarding lead needs to be made aware immediately and the appropriate action taken.

JudyGemstone · 22/09/2020 12:32

What a bizarre situation! What sort of mother actively encourages her 14 year old daughters dependence on a boyfriend?!

I was a bit confused about the 6 siblings thing, does the 14 year old girl have 6 siblings or does your step son?

BluebellsGreenbells · 22/09/2020 12:38

I really feel for you. Your loyalty is to you DH and your DSS - keep that in mind

TeeBee · 22/09/2020 12:39

You are quite right OP, this is not your responsibility to sort and it is not okay for his DF to delegate responsibility to you. Both his parents need to get off their arses and get round their to collect their child. If they don't, then as a safeguarding issue, you have a responsibility to report to SS as both children could be in danger here. What a fucking mess.

Is your DSS' mother an involved parent? Do you think she'll step up and sort it? Otherwise, your DP needs to come home and take his responsibilities seriously.

bathsh3ba · 22/09/2020 12:42

Are both your SS and his GF in school today?

differentnameforthis · 22/09/2020 12:46

TBH, I wouldn't wait until later. She is asking you to keep it a secret so

  1. she can drop you in the shit or
  2. she actually is pregnant and is waiting until she is too far along to do anything about it or
  3. she isn't pregnant but something equally dodgy is going on

I am really concerned that the gf's mother won't let him to talk to you without her there... what is she worried that he will say??

How on earth has it got this far, that she has more control over him than any of you?

Right now, you are letting him down, and you really need to tell his parent and let THEM judge as to whether they need to leave work or not!

ClementineWoolysocks · 22/09/2020 12:51

[quote BoggledBudgie]@LagunaBubbles in the eyes of the law he is a pedophile. 16 is the legal age of consent. He slept with an underage child, ergo pedophile.[/quote]
Google really is your friend. None of this fits the criteria to be considered paedophilia.

birthdaybelle · 22/09/2020 12:53

NO don't call the mother. Call your husband and put this in his lap. He may be away with work but he has access to a phone, right? My contacting mum you're just sending a message that you'll play in their game.

It took me 10 years of step parenting to learn this lesson. Repeat after me: not my circus, not my monkeys.

birthdaybelle · 22/09/2020 12:58

Seems right now this boy has 5 parents - the only ones not involved are the two who should be! Makes me mad

prh47bridge · 22/09/2020 13:01

I note that there are a number of comments on this thread suggesting that DSS could be charged with statutory rape. There is no such offence in the UK. Any website that says otherwise is wrong.

Assuming the OP is in England or Wales, the relevant law is the Sexual Offences Act 2003. As the sex was consensual, notwithstanding the fact that the girl is below the age of consent, the offence is sexual activity with a child, NOT rape.

If the OP is in Scotland, the relevant law is the Sexual Offences (Scotland) Act 2009 and the offence is having intercourse with an older child.

Regardless of where the OP is in the UK, the authorities are not interested in prosecuting teenagers who have sex unless there is a substantial age gap or there is evidence of rape. No matter how many people refer this to the police, DSS is not going to be charged with rape or any other sexual offence on the information given here.

Arthersleep · 22/09/2020 13:08

Yes. You definitely need to tell both of his parents. However, that does not mean that the girls father needs to find out. That is their decision.

AdelaideK · 22/09/2020 13:09

OverTheRainbow88

Nope we don't have statutory rape in the UK

combatbarbie · 22/09/2020 13:10

Regardless of what it may be called these days.... DSS could still be charged with a sexual offence.

ghostyslovesheets · 22/09/2020 13:17

But he won’t be so don’t let that put you off acting