To think grandparents need to step up

[mypetEufy]

A friend of mine is a single mum. She struggled to work from home whilst parenting her active nearly 2 year old DD when her nursery was closed. She lives below the breadline, and is reliant on food banks.

During lockdown she often didn't get any kind of break from her DD for weeks on end. A few friends helped now and then, but she has still been run ragged, to the point of her hair falling out.

The thing is, her parents live 20 minutes drive away, they all get on fine, they have some health issues but nothing to stop them helping in one way or another if they really wanted to. They are retired, active and not struggling with money. Friend has been super careful with the virus so her parents are not worried about her passing it on. Both parties are eligible to form a support bubble, if I understand it correctly.

Another friend has recently had a baby, she's a competent professional but struggling with a colicky baby, and interrupted sleep. She had a very difficult labour and is still uncomfortable.

She has has some health conditions which she managed in part, before her daughter was born, by eating a clean diet. She now eats pizza from ASDA most nights. She gets on fine with her parents; mentions what a good cook and baker her mum is. The parents live in the area.

My issue is that I can't fathom how some of my friends' parents aren't helping them when they clearly need some support. The parents are fully aware of the scope of the problems in both these situations. There are numerous other examples I know of in real life and on mn where parents have struggled and their parents have been cheerfully indifferent.

I want to make it clear that I'm not saying grandparents need to provide childcare when their children are at work, or do anything to increase their risk of catching the virus if they uncomfortable (these are grandparents who are happily going to the garden centre, meeting up with friends for lunch, going on holiday and to people's houses).

In both cases the grandparents are enthusiastic grandparents, are keen to be sent photos of their grandchild, enjoy buying presents, and repost those "share if you love being a granny!" posts on fb.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking some grandparents really need to step it up?

I dont want to cause any division and I know a lot of grandparents are amazing, but it's difficult to see my friends struggle. I'm asking here as I've heard mn has a bit of a 'grandparents have no obligation to do anything outlook', and was wondering if there comes a point where grandparents really ought to help?

@kiranhpp exactly they have definitely forgotten. My dm will do the same when I'm not well too and I'd prefer her to say 'hope you feel better as I know you wont get any rest!' It would be better wouldnt it?

Just ignore @katherineoftarragon who has such anger throughout this thread towards anybody that needs help or compassion. It's to be pitied. I hope I will have compassion when I'm older.

I got as far as page 3 on this thread before I couldn't stop myself posting. I'm riled by the comment about the single mother who "should" be claiming CMS. It's nearly 12 months since I put in my claim after exH stopped paying. I'm still waiting...

I'm utterly astonished how many think their parents are obliged to provide free childcare etc., and even think their parents should hand over some of their hard earned cash. When I was first married and had kids, we didn't have a car, a 'phone, a washing machine and we had a black and white TV but we managed and we were happy.

Compare that with what everyone has now. For example two cars, mobile phones, PCs, laptops, tablets, holidays, nights out, takeaways, bottles of wine etc.

We managed on one wage, as we lived without all those things. So we didn't need grandparents to step up, we lived like adults and took responsibility for ourselves and our children.

Grandparents need to step up don't make me laugh!

Disclaimer: I am not referring to family who genuinely need help, due to bad times for them.

Arr people saying granparents should provide free child care?

I can just see, like the op, people struggling while grandparents look on. Grandparents paying no interest in their grandchildren etc.

I would never see my grown up children struggling and not try and help.

My darling gran died recently and I looked after her full time in her final years. My mum was disabled and wasn’t able to do it and my gran didn’t want to leave her house/go into a home.

To me it didn’t seem like a huge ask. She needed help and I was physically able to do it. Yes I needed to massively cut back on my social life, my career had to be paused, and I had to get used to not having my own place any more.

I now work looking after the elderly. I often wonder how on earth family can live with themselves with their elders shoved into 5x3m room with a commode, bed and arm chair - those who are still in their own homes have a strip down wash as they don’t have a downstairs bathroom surviving on ready meals/sandwiches for dinner. Family photos on the wall but yet they have to wait a good month for a simple task/chore to be done waiting for social to come out.

Then one day I realised. My gran was like a second mother to me. Quite a lot of the school holidays was spent over there as my parents went on holiday/she wanted quality time. She was there for all school productions/sports days/birthdays. I remember her picking us up from hospital when I broke my arm as my mum forgot her purse for a taxi and locked the keys in the house etc etc.

Sure I looked after her full time which a lot aren’t in that position but there’s hell of a lot of elderly spending hours in the hospital as they’re relying on hospital transport as family can’t take them to an appointment. There’s loads eating food they don’t want to eat as the agency don’t buy the food they’re used to. A lot cry as they’re so lonely/bored.

Of course dad's should step up but they are the main bread winners and are out all day.
Imo if grandparents are unhelpful then it is their loss and they have a poorer relationship with their kids and grandchildren....
My grandparents on one side were lovely...they helped loads and I cried buckets when they died.
The one who didn't help as much and was horrid ...i didn't cry over her.

'We managed on one wage, as we lived without all those things.'

My family had one average wage coming in growing up and we weren't loaded but got by and were comfortable. Me and dh could not have that same lifestyle on one wage; you need at least 2 wages for that today. Also getting on the housing ladder is a lot harder than it once was, my parents got a 100 percent mortgage and some of their friends got their cars etc in them too. They had the house paid off in their 50's unlike today where we are seeing the increase of 35 year mortgages and people starting them alittle older not to mention the impact of Covid.

Ooops...dads.

@SinisterBumFacedCat not at all. I am just asking the poster what she expected her DM and Mil to do?

Poster clearly expected some form of response or action.

This thread is ultimately about expectation. Very complex, but, no one has considered how much support our DM's and MIL's had.

As advised in prev posts i had no help, neither did my mum.

I love my children very much and have a fantastic, warm and mutually loving relationship with them both. I will leave them a financial legacy securing them both for the rest of their lives. I have worked many many hours to secure their futures when i am gone.

I will also love my grandchildren, and i will spend time with them and i will leave a legacy for their financial futures also.

But, i will not be compromising the last decades of my life, having worked and raised my own children, to be an on call Nan. This next and possibly last decade , is my time.

I have loved and nurtured my sons. I have sacrificed much to feed, clothe, nurture , support, raise and educate them. I have been there for my sons every day since they were born.

I have had colds and flu's and cancer scares. I had no choice but to get on with it. I have no family support as i have described in past posts.

I will not be fore-fitting the freedoms i have finally earned and deserve, in my later years, for my son's and their wives planned pregnancies and family planning
decisions.

I will always be there for my sons and my grandchildren but, i will not simply be around et all, as i will be moving away to finally live my own life.

I will not be made to feel bad about this post, these posts can on occasion, make grandparents and MIL's out to be the bad guys and that is not true.

You have children , you deal with them.

My now exDH had to stay at home with our eldest and take him to school , while i had my youngest, alone by C section. We had no one to care for my eldest DC at that time. So i had a c section alone. There was literally no one to help. I am not saying this is right or wrong, there was no one in our family physically or mentally able to support or care for my 5 yr old DS while i gave birth to my youngest DS. Me and ex DH had to cope alone and care for toddler at same time . I had a c section alone and i was petrified while DH cared for our 5 yr old.

I am just saying that not everyone has and can rely on family and if you have children you should be prepared to cope yourself. Having children should be a choice, based on what YOU can accommodate, not what you expect others to contribute.

Sorry but I became a mum at 18, I have had 4 kids the oldest is now 21, I rarely ever asked my parents for help, I worked, went to uni had depression, etc but I coped and I got through it.

Loads of parents these days are just too looked after! If you have kids you need to just get on with it!

@teestar what did you do if you needed help and no babysitter was available which I can imagine would have occured more than once with 4 DC? Would you have called on family then for emergency help or a compassionate chat?
The have kids get on with it is all well and good but we all need emergency help sometimes!

I am definitely on the side of ‘I can’t understand how you can watch your adult children struggle and not help out’, but I’m afraid I don’t see the problem in referring to parents of young children ‘resting’ when tired or unwell, ‘chilling out’ when having a slow day at home, or ‘sitting in the sun’ when realistically you’re more likely to be up down inside outside mopping up spills finding food changing nappies blah blah. I use all of these phrases to describe myself some days (single parent, two smallish kids) and with my sister who has a baby. Pretty sure we both know it means ‘rest as much as is feasible when you’re actually full-time responsible for a helpless baby/wilful toddler’ etc. Maybe it depends on the relationship and wider context.

[quote Yesterdayforgotten]@teestar what did you do if you needed help and no babysitter was available which I can imagine would have occured more than once with 4 DC? Would you have called on family then for emergency help or a compassionate chat?
The have kids get on with it is all well and good but we all need emergency help sometimes![/quote]
But thats what we did and continue to do so. Just get on with it. Jandle it the best way we could

@NellWilsonsWhiteHair yes definitely wider context.... dm absolutely means it literally and will follow it up later with put suncream on when youre sunbathing and have a cocktail ln the sun etc

Oh and yes if somebody says 'rest as much as you can' that would be fine and not 'go to bed for a lie down!' etc

@Yesterdayforgotten Just ignore @katherineoftarragon who has such anger throughout this thread towards anybody that needs help or compassion. It's to be pitied. I hope I will have compassion when I'm older.

@Yesterdayforgotten please do not suppose to excuse me or my posts or ask posters to ignore my posts . I have as much right to say and post as you on a pubic forum.

You clearly need or want fo rely heaviky on the support of yiyr famuky.

@KatherineofTarragon other posters said your comment was bitchy etc so yes I will say to ignore as it was uncalled for and very over the top. You obviously have an axe to grind here and have been very unpleasant.

If you are quite finished putting words in my mouth no we have absolutely no family support hence my posts. If I had the type of family to give support I would only ask in an emergency as I never put on to anyone and ask nothing of people...

@Yesterdayforgotten sorry, posted too soon. Youngest son distracted me..

I wanted to conclude that some have no support at all and mum ( and Dad) have to sort themselves.

And sometimes mum alone ( as i am this eve) Having no family support does not make people bitter it just makes them alone and self sufficient.

They have no GP support. They are independent.

Oh and yes I would love a family that care, wouldn't it be amazing as giving some empathy and compassion isnt hard is it?

@Yesterdayforgotten ok, you clearly have some unresolved issues. I will not enter into debate with you about that . All the best @Yesterdayforgotten .

@KatherineofTarragon actually no unresolved issues, very happy thank you. I hope you gets yours addressed soon, I'm sorry you are alone and have had difficulties during your life as you stated

@Yesterdayforgotten Oh and yes I would love a family that care, wouldn't it be amazing as giving some empathy and compassion isnt hard is it?"

i have i family that do not care or support me either. I have posted this . Why are you fighting me about this ? We are the same.

Please take a breath @Yesterdayforgotten

[quote KatherineofTarragon]@SinisterBumFacedCat not at all. I am just asking the poster what she expected her DM and Mil to do?

Poster clearly expected some form of response or action.

This thread is ultimately about expectation. Very complex, but, no one has considered how much support our DM's and MIL's had.

As advised in prev posts i had no help, neither did my mum.

I love my children very much and have a fantastic, warm and mutually loving relationship with them both. I will leave them a financial legacy securing them both for the rest of their lives. I have worked many many hours to secure their futures when i am gone.

I will also love my grandchildren, and i will spend time with them and i will leave a legacy for their financial futures also.

But, i will not be compromising the last decades of my life, having worked and raised my own children, to be an on call Nan. This next and possibly last decade , is my time.

I have loved and nurtured my sons. I have sacrificed much to feed, clothe, nurture , support, raise and educate them. I have been there for my sons every day since they were born.

I have had colds and flu's and cancer scares. I had no choice but to get on with it. I have no family support as i have described in past posts.

I will not be fore-fitting the freedoms i have finally earned and deserve, in my later years, for my son's and their wives planned pregnancies and family planning
decisions.

I will always be there for my sons and my grandchildren but, i will not simply be around et all, as i will be moving away to finally live my own life.

I will not be made to feel bad about this post, these posts can on occasion, make grandparents and MIL's out to be the bad guys and that is not true.

You have children , you deal with them.

My now exDH had to stay at home with our eldest and take him to school , while i had my youngest, alone by C section. We had no one to care for my eldest DC at that time. So i had a c section alone. There was literally no one to help. I am not saying this is right or wrong, there was no one in our family physically or mentally able to support or care for my 5 yr old DS while i gave birth to my youngest DS. Me and ex DH had to cope alone and care for toddler at same time . I had a c section alone and i was petrified while DH cared for our 5 yr old.

I am just saying that not everyone has and can rely on family and if you have children you should be prepared to cope yourself. Having children should be a choice, based on what YOU can accommodate, not what you expect others to contribute.

[/quote]
I think it is appalling that a woman has to give birth alone due to not having anyone able to look after their dc. So sad

It’s so much individual family dynamics, but I do think it’s not fully recognised how absolutely tiring it is to look after young children when you’ve already brought a set up. I brought 4 up solo with no assistance from parents - they had earned the right to live their lives and enjoy their retirement in my view so that was fine. Now, I’ve helped with grandchildren, having one twice a week last year in time of need, but it was bloody hard work running around in between work, felt it so much more than when I did the same with 4 of my own. Having them so regularly also strips some of the ‘grandparent pleasure’ in them, as it can’t be all fun, trips and doing what you couldn’t with your own then. Currently, I’m working full time on juggled hours to see parents’ needs 3 times a week, I also am just tired in general with hormones, recent coeliac diagnosis, and much as I would love to have capacity to go help two further households with my grandkids I literally haven’t got the energy. I am having 2 next week but taking annual leave to accommodate that and parents. Really I think it’s harder to do the running around on the second round of kids, so give grannies a bit of slack on that. I recall one daughter explaining she was tired like I couldn’t comprehend this, as if never had had small kids including one who barely slept for years (ironically that was her), and she definitely thought I no right to be tired now but she understands a bit better lately, too much better as she thinks I’m so old I may fall asleep randomly when having them, or forget to pick one up at school, currently she’s worrying how I will feed us all next week properly lol 🤔