To think grandparents need to step up

[mypetEufy]

A friend of mine is a single mum. She struggled to work from home whilst parenting her active nearly 2 year old DD when her nursery was closed. She lives below the breadline, and is reliant on food banks.

During lockdown she often didn't get any kind of break from her DD for weeks on end. A few friends helped now and then, but she has still been run ragged, to the point of her hair falling out.

The thing is, her parents live 20 minutes drive away, they all get on fine, they have some health issues but nothing to stop them helping in one way or another if they really wanted to. They are retired, active and not struggling with money. Friend has been super careful with the virus so her parents are not worried about her passing it on. Both parties are eligible to form a support bubble, if I understand it correctly.

Another friend has recently had a baby, she's a competent professional but struggling with a colicky baby, and interrupted sleep. She had a very difficult labour and is still uncomfortable.

She has has some health conditions which she managed in part, before her daughter was born, by eating a clean diet. She now eats pizza from ASDA most nights. She gets on fine with her parents; mentions what a good cook and baker her mum is. The parents live in the area.

My issue is that I can't fathom how some of my friends' parents aren't helping them when they clearly need some support. The parents are fully aware of the scope of the problems in both these situations. There are numerous other examples I know of in real life and on mn where parents have struggled and their parents have been cheerfully indifferent.

I want to make it clear that I'm not saying grandparents need to provide childcare when their children are at work, or do anything to increase their risk of catching the virus if they uncomfortable (these are grandparents who are happily going to the garden centre, meeting up with friends for lunch, going on holiday and to people's houses).

In both cases the grandparents are enthusiastic grandparents, are keen to be sent photos of their grandchild, enjoy buying presents, and repost those "share if you love being a granny!" posts on fb.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking some grandparents really need to step it up?

I dont want to cause any division and I know a lot of grandparents are amazing, but it's difficult to see my friends struggle. I'm asking here as I've heard mn has a bit of a 'grandparents have no obligation to do anything outlook', and was wondering if there comes a point where grandparents really ought to help?

I do agree more is expected of parents today as you really cannot win. As a new mother afew years ago I struggled with all of the advice expectations. Dm was shocked how much things have changed.

Having them so regularly also strips some of the ‘grandparent pleasure’ in them, as it can’t be all fun, trips and doing what you couldn’t with your own then

I'm not saying it makes everything OK, but at least the relationship you have with your grandchildren will be real. I remember talking to some grandparents who used to take their GC to a toddler group I went to with DC, and they said that the only way to properly know and have real relationship with your GC is to care for them on regular basis.

I wouldn't expect my parents or my in laws to provide any regular care, but what these GP said really stuck with me.

It might be lovely and an easy life if you're just with the GC for the fun bits, but I suspect there might be a lot of truth in what they said. It's always going to be a bit of a rarified relationship, if you never have to discipline and resolve disputes, if they never see you grumpy, if they never see you tired, if they never see you without any gloss, if they don't spend hours and hours, feel completely natural in your company.

That said I imagine most young people would struggle, working and providing childcare too, with health issues like you. You're clearly doing an amazing job and going way above the call of duty. I really hope you get more of the balance you're after with your grandchildren, and you get to do more of the fun stuff that you missed out on with your own as well.

@Yesterdayforgotten

Nothing against play pens, I wish my DC had deigned to use them when they were toddlers.

My parents also were also shocked at how much things had changed, a lot of the things that saved their sanity when we were little, like early solids to help the baby sleep and babies in their own rooms before 6 months, now discouraged.

'It might be lovely and an easy life if you're just with the GC for the fun bits, but I suspect there might be a lot of truth in what they said. It's always going to be a bit of a rarified relationship, if you never have to discipline and resolve disputes, if they never see you grumpy, if they never see you tired, if they never see you without any gloss, if they don't spend hours and hours, feel completely natural in your company.'

I'm afraid I don't agree with this op. I think grandparents should be seen with gloss. I think a lot of that is the parents role and not the grandparent's. Imo grandparents
are supposed to enjoy the nice bits. I just wish ours would be more interested in even those!

@Formerbabe...I've delivered twice by myself. Once in a country I didn't know the language

It's also hard for GP to be even handed.

I've got five kids. Only one has children, so far (and it's a DS so I'm not really involved, besides I still work two jobs so no...). But if I helped out one DC, I would feel it unfair not to do the same for the others. If all five have children and I've started off having GC overnight for one, surely, to be fair, I'd have to do the same for the others.

Nobody ever helped me with my children. I was a single mum to five when their DF left and I managed. Maybe that's coloured my opinion somewhat.

@Yesterdayforgotten I think grandparents should be seen with gloss. I think a lot of that is the parents role and not the grandparent's. Imo grandparents are supposed to enjoy the nice bits.

Yeah, I can see that perspective.

My grandparents were just there for the nice bits. I make an effort to keep in touch, but to be honest the relationship is superficial AF compared to friends where Nan lived round the corner and looked after them after school.

My grandmother seemed genuinely irritated when I mentioned that lockdown had been difficult on some level for our family, I just mentioned in passing, possibly in response to a question. Our Instagram worthy pictures of family walks and wholesome craft activities are always well received though

@Zaphodsotherhead

This is actually a factor in why we've stopped at two DC; I want to be there for them when they have families but I don't want to be consumed by it.

I know one lady who has 5 and she literally hops from one DC house to the next, country to country, a month at each helping with GP. She's amazing, follows the mum's rules in each house, doesn't butt in or offer suggestions.

I'm not sure I fancy that life for myself though, seems to much like hard work.

seems to much like hard work
she will be doing it in the expectation of receiving full wrap-around care in return as she ages...

From my standpoint, I see a lot of disrespect for parents, grandparents on this site. A lot of judgement about what others should or shouldn't do. When you can't appreciate people for who and what they are, or control them into doing something for you, you will be forever unhappy. Like someone else mentioned, every family has their own dynamic. The faster you realize it and let it go the happier you will be. I'm like scratching my head wondering, where's the empathy for others? When you get older you learn to set limits as to what you can functionally do or not do. For example, my disabled friend. Can I get her groceries,yes. Can I get her meds,yes. Can I take her to see her mom, yes. Can I clean her house, no. The difference between older people and younger people is that we've learned what our limits are and try not to take on more than what we can accomplish. I feel for the plight of your single friend. Been there, done that! If I lived in your area I would even try to help her. I just wish you all could see that people have their own reasons for doing what they do and it's not our place to judge them because they don't know the full story of how people lived their lives. That's my only point! The judgement and worthiness in your hearts will destroy you in time. Let it go!

My mother said to me "you had them you look after them". We have had two nights "off" in 8 years.
Around my kids she is great, my father too, but we can't ask anything of them.

And I am disabled with a disabled son!

I totally agree... I've been no contact with my parents for the last 10 years as they thought it was farrrrr more important to enjoy their retirement abroad, doing absolutely nothing but sitting in bars with other expats, while their children have struggled, coped with poverty, death and illness..
They will reap what they have sown.
There is absolutely no way, not any kind of chance at all, that I will behave in the same way to my dc... what is point in family, in life even, if you don't support your community?

Sorry, computer changed my text. It should read, the judgement and seethiness in your heart will destroy you over time.

That's very judgemental because your parents probably feel they worked hard and just want to enjoy their retirement. They feel they raised you into a competent adult. So let it be. Send them good thoughts. Let it go. This anger will destroy you.

We spent over £50k in childcare whilst my DM had holidays and did her own thing. My DC never had a sleepover in 13 years. She lived ten minutes away and we saw her once a month. No way would I have run round after her in her old age though (if she'd have lived long enough), she would have bought in care. No falling out. Just pleasing ourselves.
I look at PIL and SIL who live next door to each other and are completely enmeshed. And it hasn't benefitted my nephews. Now teens, they are completed frustrated their GP feel they have to be 'involved' in every aspect of their lives. Always there. Overinvolved. No special relationship at all. And SIL massively beholden as they age.

The point in letting this anger go is for you, not for your parents. When those feelings come up inside you, send your parents love, light and happiness. It's a process but if you face this negativity head on, over time, you will feel better and things will start to change.

is that to me @Zyzxyz? because I don't feel anger and bitterness .. that's long gone.. now I don't feel anything at all.

I agree OP. My friends and I were discussing this recently we all went to grandparents houses for sleepover at a minimum of once a week. I personally stayed with my grand parents Friday - Sunday every weekend.

My daughter is lucky if she stays with Granny and Granda once a month. They don't see it as there role there much more hands off than my grand parents were. I think the generation of grand parents that we knew is long gone.

Wow a think a stay at grandparenrs once a month is pretty good going tbh! I dont know many that do that.

Once a month actual stay without you? Thats pretty handson. I hope you appreciate it.

@newnamewhosthis

I agree OP. My friends and I were discussing this recently we all went to grandparents houses for sleepover at a minimum of once a week. I personally stayed with my grand parents Friday - Sunday every weekend.

My daughter is lucky if she stays with Granny and Granda once a month. They don't see it as there role there much more hands off than my grand parents were. I think the generation of grand parents that we knew is long gone.

Once a month is quite a lot I think. My mil never sees her gc and I doubt she'd throw crumbs at them if they were starving...witch

Once a month!!??

So yeah, grandparents have problems too that they don't want to burden others with. I haven't seen my unemployment check since early July and still no check in sight and facing homelessness as millions of others.The country is ravaged by protests every night. The coming election is between criminal Tweedledum and criminal Tweedledee, where the country might erupt into civil war. So, as grandparents some people's babysitting problem might pale to others.

My childhood was full of regular sleepovers (lasting 2 or 3 days) with my grandparents, along with day trips and visits to shows. My own parents have never ever once asked to take any of their grandchildren out. If I ask them to help out for a day (whilst I work, never for fun or social stuff) then I'm lucky to get 3 or 4 days per year. Yet I am always on call for them. During lockdown I worked full time from home, was meant to be home schooling and did all their shopping for 3 months. I was absolutely falling apart at the end of this time. They did say thank you and bought me a nice dress which was nice, but what I really want from them is the most precious commodity- time. And time that they have volunteered to give, enjoying being with their grandchildren and making the effort to do something, rather than me begging them.