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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH carried on drinking while toddler in an ambulance

160 replies

Feelingconfused2020 · 21/09/2020 00:20

I'm cross, really cross. Yesterday my DD(2) had a funny episode which had some.of the features of a stroke. To me it was more like she went "out of it" and her eyes were funny and she was unresponsive but sufficed to say I was terrified and called 999. DH was away for a friend's birthday.

To cut a long story short the paramedics decided to take us to hospital.and DH carried on drinking. He didn't rush home, he didn't even stay where he was but move to soft drinks for a while just in case. He just carried on getting more and more drunk.

I'm annoyed because I know that if the roles were reversed I would have rushed home knowing my DD needed me. Am I really unreasonable to expect my DH to feel the same? He said he thought it was under control and would have come home if I said he needed to, and I believe him, but for me that's not enough. At one point I was genuinely worried for our daughters life yet today I'm being held to account for not making things clear to him. I'm sure he hear the panic in my voice and he knew we called 999 and were take away in an ambulance I was beside myself and also trying to deal with my older kids and not scare them while organising what they would do while I was I hospital.

So am I unreasonable for feeling cross he didn't just come straight home?

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 21/09/2020 00:21

YANBU. This is pretty poor, if your 2 year old is being taken to hospital you should at least come home to help care for the other children.

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 21/09/2020 00:22

I meant DH not DJ!!

OP posts:
Eekay · 21/09/2020 00:22

YADNBU. I would be furious. Hope your daughter is ok. V scary for you Flowers

unexpectedthird · 21/09/2020 00:23

You are not unreasonable.

remainin · 21/09/2020 00:28

No, not unreasonable but I'd be more concerned about your DD. From your description, it seems as though she might have had a seizure. How is she now?

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 21/09/2020 00:30

Thanks everyone. Today was a very weird day because all our extended family rang to check on DD and everyone was worried but dh didn't mention it at all. He gave me a lie in(we were at Hospital until very very late and I chose to sleep with DD on her floor to keep an eye on her) and then the day was as normal. no mention of yesterday no discussion about what it could have been. So weird.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 21/09/2020 00:33

We received very thorough care but yes they thought it might be a seizure although some of my description didn't fit, i.e. she was crying through most of it. The doctor said to take a video if it ever happened again and described the key features of a seizure to me. He was very thorough and we were in hospital for about 7 hrs and seen by 2 doctors and 4 or 5 nurses so I know we were taken seriously and given excellent care I was impressed actually. ,(Bedford hospital btw)

OP posts:
lakesidefall · 21/09/2020 00:33

Your dd had a seizure and your dh didn't return home but stayed out drinking.

I would be very cross indeed with this. In fact I would be totally incandescent to be honest.

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 21/09/2020 00:43

I think it wasn't a seizure

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 21/09/2020 00:46

Sorry I posted too soon. The doctor concluded he didn't think it was a seizure because some of the key features weren't present. He wasn't sure though. We don't know what it was.

All dh knew was I was in an ambulance with his 2 yr old while our older kids were with their granddad. We were then admitted to a ward because they wanted to observe dd. Not sure why that wasn't enough to come home to be honest.

OP posts:
lakesidefall · 21/09/2020 00:50

Honestly either way OP he is well out of order.
If he was too drunk to be more sensible at the time then he should at least be very apologetic now.
It is very poor behavior.

emptyshelvesagain · 21/09/2020 00:51

the day was as normal. no mention of yesterday no discussion about what it could have been. So weird.

Very weird. Why did you not say something?

Is conversation normally on his terms only?

He sounds like an absolute prick.

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 21/09/2020 00:53

I said something last night. I told him that he should have stopped drinking when it happened (about 1.30pm) and he said there was no point because he was already wasted. He's 45!! To be honest today I was so angry and disappointed I just didn't really want to see him. I avoided him as best I could.

OP posts:
Susannahmoody · 21/09/2020 00:57

That would be very worrying to me, op. His kid had a seizure and he didn't think to stop drinking?!

Noti23 · 21/09/2020 00:58

What a waste of space

Wearywithteens · 21/09/2020 00:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Megan2018 · 21/09/2020 01:00

That’d be game over for me - one thing to make a bad decision when drunk, but to not be groveling for forgiveness the next day is unforgivable. He clearly doesn’t care.

It sounds like he has checked out of family life. Get rid.
If he’s getting that drunk probably not socially distancing either-total liability.

ineedaholidaynow · 21/09/2020 01:01

I can’t believe he didn’t even try and get back and be there for your other DC, never mind show some concern for your DD. Who was he with? I have to say I don’t think I would be very impressed with any of my friends if they did this.

BrieAndChilli · 21/09/2020 01:04

The only thing that could possibly redeem in any small fraction would be if you had history for over reacting and taking the kids to hospital for every single little sniffle. I’m assuming this isn’t the case! I know of me or DH were anywhere, even abroad and our child got taken into hospital both of us would do whatever we could to get home as soon as possible.

timeisnotaline · 21/09/2020 01:04

Sounds like it’s worth telling him if he ever goes awol on a family emergency again he can pack his bag. For the complete avoidance of doubt, if you call an ambulance for your child it’s an emergency. And if a number of family have called immediately after to check, its sufficiently an emergency that he has no excuse for ‘not being fully informed’. They could work it out with probably less information and not one of them is dds father, so he’s on a fast track to separated dad who doesn’t have to try and pretend he cares anymore.

redlockscelt · 21/09/2020 01:04

What a loser, hopefully he has the hangover from hell and the children are extremely noisy, I hope your Dd is ok.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/09/2020 01:04

So the words "I have called 999" and "DD is in an ambulance" were not enough to stop him drinking?

He is a prick and fucking TERRIBLE father.

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 21/09/2020 01:04

And you haven’t confronted him about this?

Our relationship isn't in a great place. If I confront him he will blame me for not keeping him informed and for not watching her closely enough. Last night when I got in from the hospital (he was home by then) one of the first things he said was that I'd left the kitchen window open (while I rushed his 2 yr old to hospital in an ambulance)

There's no way I get out of a confrontation as anything but the guilty party and I just can't face it.

OP posts:
Inkpaperstars · 21/09/2020 01:05

@Megan2018

That’d be game over for me - one thing to make a bad decision when drunk, but to not be groveling for forgiveness the next day is unforgivable. He clearly doesn’t care.

It sounds like he has checked out of family life. Get rid.
If he’s getting that drunk probably not socially distancing either-total liability.

Agree. It's hard to believe he was too drunk for that kind of news not to penetrate the intoxication, but even if we give him that benefit of the doubt (and I don't) he should have been shocked to his core today by what could have happened and how he let you doSn. He should be deeply disturbed, apologetic and resolving not to be a useless drunk in future. If he isn't, that would be a hard road back for me too.
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 21/09/2020 01:06

I don't think I'd be cross. I'd be deeply hurt and disappointed on behalf of my child, that his actions didn't show any concern or love. Basically I'd feel he let her down by acting like he didn't give a shit. Maybe he didn't go to the hospital as he knew he would be too drunk to be of use, but to stay out with mates rather than carry on drinking just shows a complete lack of emotion. It's just odd. I'd also be worried about his ability to step up when any other family crisis happens