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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH carried on drinking while toddler in an ambulance

160 replies

Feelingconfused2020 · 21/09/2020 00:20

I'm cross, really cross. Yesterday my DD(2) had a funny episode which had some.of the features of a stroke. To me it was more like she went "out of it" and her eyes were funny and she was unresponsive but sufficed to say I was terrified and called 999. DH was away for a friend's birthday.

To cut a long story short the paramedics decided to take us to hospital.and DH carried on drinking. He didn't rush home, he didn't even stay where he was but move to soft drinks for a while just in case. He just carried on getting more and more drunk.

I'm annoyed because I know that if the roles were reversed I would have rushed home knowing my DD needed me. Am I really unreasonable to expect my DH to feel the same? He said he thought it was under control and would have come home if I said he needed to, and I believe him, but for me that's not enough. At one point I was genuinely worried for our daughters life yet today I'm being held to account for not making things clear to him. I'm sure he hear the panic in my voice and he knew we called 999 and were take away in an ambulance I was beside myself and also trying to deal with my older kids and not scare them while organising what they would do while I was I hospital.

So am I unreasonable for feeling cross he didn't just come straight home?

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 21/09/2020 04:02

I'm the child of a divorce and I want to protect my kids from it

I'm just wondering, how old were you when your parents divorced and why did it upset you? I was four when my parents separated and it didn't particularly affect me. In fact, when I got to know my dad better, I was so glad that they had separated when they did.

alexdgr8 · 21/09/2020 04:20

he doesn't sound particularly committed to family life anyhow.
why should you do all the heavy lifting.
at least you have got extended family around you; seek help where it may be found. you need to build up your confidence.
this is not normal. and certainly not healthy. for your children, as well as you.

TheArtOfStoryTelling · 21/09/2020 04:22

He doesn't even seem to care that his daughter is being rushed to hospital. That puts him well below "reasonable dad" in my book.

Pinkyandthebrainz · 21/09/2020 05:27

Utter scum. He'd be an ex.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/09/2020 05:54

He sounds useless and this sounds like a dealbreaker to me.

Tell me more about what happened to your dd. My dd has Reflex Anoxic Seizures. Not everyone has heard of them so it could have been missed at the hospital. Just wondering if it was this. Could be from your description. They aren’t anything to be drastically worried about if so. It’s a sudden loss of consciousness, where the heart either slows or stops then automatically restarts. My dd falls backwards and bangs her head but she gets warnings now and knows to lie down. She goes very pale and her eyes roll. With a full, not partial seizure, she goes blue lipped as well due to very slow or no heartbeat. She can’t move when she comes round and is very sleepy. All normal. Takes 24 hours to feel ok, 48 to feel completely better. Will wet herself. Brought on by pain, shock or some illnesses such as vomiting.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 21/09/2020 05:55

@Feelingconfused2020

And you haven’t confronted him about this?

Our relationship isn't in a great place. If I confront him he will blame me for not keeping him informed and for not watching her closely enough. Last night when I got in from the hospital (he was home by then) one of the first things he said was that I'd left the kitchen window open (while I rushed his 2 yr old to hospital in an ambulance)

There's no way I get out of a confrontation as anything but the guilty party and I just can't face it.

Telling him his two-year old child has been taken to hospital in an ambulance is all the information he needs!

If had been "already wasted" and couldn't drive, in a situation like that I'd have expected my DH to get a taxi straight home.

clairedelalune · 21/09/2020 06:04

Sorry but that would be it for me. Finito.

KatherineJaneway · 21/09/2020 06:05

Surely it's better to have areasonable.dadwho is mostly present.

A man who can't be arsed to stop drinking when his child is rushed to hospital? That isn't reasonable.

GarlicMonkey · 21/09/2020 06:11

He's clearly demonstrated how much he loves you & the children. Now he's done it once with no serious repercussions, he'll do it again & again. I'm not saying LTB, because now obviously isn't the time as you still have faith in him. It is time to start making an exit plan though; make sure you're employable, have copies of all financial paperwork, bit of savings for yourself because there will come a 'last straw' situation at some point in the future when your faith goes & you see what's in front of you.

Useruseruserusee · 21/09/2020 06:11

Unforgivable. Our two year old has a condition that means he has been rushed to hospital every few months since he was born. This has happened whilst I am at work, whilst DH has been at work and yes, whilst DH has been out with friends.

Every time whoever is not with him has dropped everything and rushed to the hospital.

I can’t imagine a decent person carrying on drinking.

Limpshade · 21/09/2020 06:22

I am very relaxed about DH drinking, his social life, etc, but I find this APPALLING. I'm not sure I could forgive it.

Friendsoftheearth · 21/09/2020 06:29

Unforgivable. I could no way come back from this.

What kind of man/father continues to drink at a party whilst his dd is rushed to hospital?

What does this tell you children about their father's priorities in life, they come way down the list after this friends, parties and booze?

You may be a child of divorce and find this particular hard op, but how is staying with man like this good for your children? What is he teaching/modelling to them exactly?

It would be a game changer for me 100%. I don't know how you can even look at him, disgusting doesn't even begin to describe it.

IWantT0BreakFree · 21/09/2020 06:51

I agree with a PP that maybe he actually feels guilty and that's why he's being an arse since he returned home. But it doesn't really matter because the impact on you is the same either way. The fact is, whatever is behind his actions, he has let you and his children down terribly and is now treating you like shit in the aftermath. I think he needs a massive wake-up call. If my husband did this, I'd have asked him to leave while I think about whether I can see the possibility of a future with someone who can behave so callously. If his brain cells collide and he has a moment of clarity that leads to genuine remorse and sincere grovelling then I might be prepared to give things a final try but there would need to be a massive effort on his part to improve communication. You cannot have a happy marriage when someone doesn't allow you to be heard. You are treading on eggshells because you can't face any conflict and that's no way to live.
In the absence of a very quick turnaround in his attitude, I'm afraid the marriage would be over for me.

Ratatcat · 21/09/2020 07:00

I’d find this unforgivable. I also can’t understand what his friends were thinking. Did they know his toddler was ill while he was just there drinking?

msflibble · 21/09/2020 07:00

YANBU, I would be furious if DH did this. And very unsettled that he was so unconcerned about his child's health.

TicTac80 · 21/09/2020 07:02

He'd blame you for "Not watching her closely enough"?! Unbelievable. I've seen my son (as a toddler) go from being absolutely fine (bar a snotty nose), to being collapsed on floor having a seizure in front of me (due to temp spikes). He was hospitalised many times for it. You can't always predict these things...and he cannot blame you for this!!

Multiplying2020 · 21/09/2020 07:09

What @CharlieParley said - people and relationships are more complicated than one incident, and it's easy for people to judge based on one snippet of your life.

He behaved appallingly, but it's likely he knows that. You need to have a talk when everything's calmed down a bit and put something in place so that you're supported.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 21/09/2020 07:10

Feeling for you, OP. You were only 21 when you got together with him and you didn’t want to copy your parents’ mistakes — very understandable, and I felt the same. We just make different mistakes.

You’re a good mother trying to make your children’s lives happier than yours was. He does not seem like a good father or husband. Sounds as if he doesn’t respect you. Tbh, I’m not impressed by your friends letting him go on drinking, but maybe he didn’t tell them DD was in hospital.

Do you or DC really have a happy future ahead with this man, who only cares on his own terms and when it’s convenient for him?

I hope things work out well for you and DC xx

Phoenix21 · 21/09/2020 07:20

At the very least, this would be the beginning of the end for me, purely because he showed he didn’t care for our child.

I couldn’t trust him with our DC after this, the lack of reaction would make me worry that he doesn’t have that fierce love and protection of them that keeps them safe.

Badbanana · 21/09/2020 07:25

When DS had suspected meningitis, DH started driving home from his job away as I was on the phone telling him about it. Nothing would have kept him from doing so, his dc was ill, potentially seriously.

I am sorry, but I could not respect or love a man that would put his own desire for a ‘good time’ over rushing back to a sick child. We are well past the bullshit days where that was only expected of mother’s.

I wouldn’t trust him anymore and would assume he would always put his own needs first, even over dc.

Put it this way, if there is an oncoming train hurtling toward your dc, get your skates on, because even if he’s closer he is going to claim he ‘froze’.

Aneley · 21/09/2020 07:27

100% unforgivable. If my DH did this, he'd be packing his bags today. Such lack of concern for his own child is truly concerning and I would never trust him again.

Bernardstolemywatch · 21/09/2020 07:31

Cross wouldn’t cut it for me. I’d be livid.
Yanbu!

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 21/09/2020 07:33

Just to say he wasn't driving. He was on the train and had a return ticket home.

OP posts:
NiceTwin · 21/09/2020 07:33

Oh gosh, I have a bit of a different view.
You called an ambulance, you sorted your other kids care. It sounds like you are very capable and held it together at a stressful time.
It is highly unlikely he would have been allowed into hospital with you and quite frankly, would you have wanted him there in his pissed up, stinky state?

ineedaholidaynow · 21/09/2020 07:36

@NiceTwin but would you have expected him to carry on drinking and enjoying himself or get home ASAP and start sobering up so he could be there for the other DC