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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH carried on drinking while toddler in an ambulance

160 replies

Feelingconfused2020 · 21/09/2020 00:20

I'm cross, really cross. Yesterday my DD(2) had a funny episode which had some.of the features of a stroke. To me it was more like she went "out of it" and her eyes were funny and she was unresponsive but sufficed to say I was terrified and called 999. DH was away for a friend's birthday.

To cut a long story short the paramedics decided to take us to hospital.and DH carried on drinking. He didn't rush home, he didn't even stay where he was but move to soft drinks for a while just in case. He just carried on getting more and more drunk.

I'm annoyed because I know that if the roles were reversed I would have rushed home knowing my DD needed me. Am I really unreasonable to expect my DH to feel the same? He said he thought it was under control and would have come home if I said he needed to, and I believe him, but for me that's not enough. At one point I was genuinely worried for our daughters life yet today I'm being held to account for not making things clear to him. I'm sure he hear the panic in my voice and he knew we called 999 and were take away in an ambulance I was beside myself and also trying to deal with my older kids and not scare them while organising what they would do while I was I hospital.

So am I unreasonable for feeling cross he didn't just come straight home?

OP posts:
HorsePellets · 21/09/2020 07:36

I can’t fathom this.

He’s a parent. He has more than one child. You shouldn’t NEED to tell him to get his arse home. It should be the automatic reaction.

What an absolute bastard.

He’d be sleeping elsewhere prior to the arrival of divorce papers if he refused to see what a complete and utter fuckwit he’s been if this was happening in my house.

Hebitmyboy · 21/09/2020 07:38

Came on wondering who was at a party with a DJ then RTFT.

I guess it comes down to where your bar is. What will it take for you to deem his behaviour totally unacceptable? At the moment it sounds like you are fighting to save the relationship to avoid the stigma and pain of divorce. In doing so you are accepting behaviour most people find abhorrent.

What on earth did your mutual friends he was drinking with make of this? I wonder if he even told them. I know for sure my friends would be distrusted if they knew my small child was in hospital under observation and I didn’t care enough to leave a drinking session.

Gosh just imagine if god forbid the outcome had been more serious for your daughter.

Hebitmyboy · 21/09/2020 07:39

*Disgusted

IndecentFeminist · 21/09/2020 07:40

The mistake was one thing. His attitude since is another. Blaming you for his poor decision making because you didn't make it clear enough? Fuck that.

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 21/09/2020 07:40

NiceTwin no I didnt want him at the hosoital but it was 1.30 so I think if he'd stopped drinking and hopped on a train home he could have been some use to the other kids.

OP posts:
BigChocFrenzy · 21/09/2020 07:42

@NiceTwin

Oh gosh, I have a bit of a different view. You called an ambulance, you sorted your other kids care. It sounds like you are very capable and held it together at a stressful time. It is highly unlikely he would have been allowed into hospital with you and quite frankly, would you have wanted him there in his pissed up, stinky state?
.... The problem is not so much him being maybe too wasted - at lunch already ? - to make sensible decisions

it's now he is sober, he is gaslighting the OP
.... and sounds like he has a history of that

If he had apologised sincerely and expressed concern today, that would be different
He keeps puttinmg himself first and she can't talk to him when he fucks up

Somethingkindaoooo · 21/09/2020 07:42

Was he at least in regular contact via text?

( grasping at straws)

ShouldWeChangeTheBulb · 21/09/2020 07:45

If he was able to get the train that unforgivable. Did he call you and ask what was happening? Was he asking for updates?

SlowDown76mph · 21/09/2020 07:46

As last straws go, this is up there. He chose to fail his family. He has no regrets. You and your children deserve better than this. Get rid.

Indoctro · 21/09/2020 07:47

I would be disgusted if that was my husband. Any decent parent would rush to the hospital if a child is taken ill, sick with worry.

He needs to have a serious word with himself.

I hope your child is ok x

derxa · 21/09/2020 07:48

He was drinking. He was two hours away. I don't understand why you wanted him to come back at this point.

CasuallyMasculine · 21/09/2020 07:49

Have any of your “besties” called to ask how your DD is, OP?

If they haven’t, he clearly said nothing to them about what happened. That would add to my disgust at his behaviour.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/09/2020 07:52

Shitty behaviour in the context of a not great relationship. At the very least this warrants a proper discussion about how he’s let you down.

AuditAngel · 21/09/2020 07:53

When DD2 was 13 months she had breathing difficulties and I had to call an ambulance. I didn’t call DH as it was Saturday evening and he works in hospitality.

I called my sister to mind the other children. His cousin let him know there was an issue (ambulance outside the house when she dropped DS home) and he joined me at the hospital.

Your DH should not need to be told to stop drinking, he’s not a child.

ineedaholidaynow · 21/09/2020 07:56

@derxa if you were the DH in this position, what would you have done? Carry on socialising or at least get home and start looking after your other DC?

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 21/09/2020 07:57

My friends have all contacted me and yes he did keep in touch.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 21/09/2020 08:02

The problem isnt that he didnt come home and continued drinking because yes however awful that is it would be a mistake (and one far easier to do having started to drink).

Its the aftermath - your unwillingness to talk to him, the clear poor communication you have and how you think he would treat you.

It isnt better for children to grow up in this environment.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 21/09/2020 08:03

My DH was on a stag do when our 17 year old overdid the booze on a night out and ended up in hospital. He left straight away in a cab to see us.

RemyHadley · 21/09/2020 08:08

Ok....that would honestly lead me to think about divorce, and our relationship is otherwise great.

Can I suggest you ask your mum or a friend to have the kids for a while and have a real conversation with him?

I once called my husband while he was in a different sodding country, to say that our son had an odd rash and id called an ambulance. He was straight in a cab to the airport. That’s a normal reaction. Choosing to stay out instead of comforting your older children, supporting your wife etc is extremely odd. Getting even drunker so you wouldn’t even be able to have a sensible conversation if decisions needed to be made about medical options..,..that’s almost unforgivable.

Legoandloldolls · 21/09/2020 08:10

Yanbu that's piss poor of him

LannieDuck · 21/09/2020 08:11

@NiceTwin

Oh gosh, I have a bit of a different view. You called an ambulance, you sorted your other kids care. It sounds like you are very capable and held it together at a stressful time. It is highly unlikely he would have been allowed into hospital with you and quite frankly, would you have wanted him there in his pissed up, stinky state?
I'd have wanted him to want to be there.
Sexnotgender · 21/09/2020 08:13

Are you married to my ex husband? I spent many a night alone in hospital with my sick child. The gaslighting is familiar too.

CandyLeBonBon · 21/09/2020 08:20

Yeah my ex pulled shit like this. I was suffering miscarriage. In a lot of discomfort and with an 18 month old and he simply said 'let me know how you get on' as he walked out the door to work.

Note the 'ex'.

Sorry OP but I could never forgive this if I were you. 😢

CandyLeBonBon · 21/09/2020 08:22

@Quartz2208 that sounds suspiciously like you're minimising his behaviour and telling OP it's her fault that they're in this situation because she doesn't want to confront him?

GetThatHelmetOn · 21/09/2020 08:25

I want out, if I'm.honest, but I'm the child of a divorce and I want to protect my kids from it. Surely it's better to have a reasonable.dad who is mostly present.

But he is not a reasonable dad no matter how much you want him to be. Something that you may have missed thanks to you parents splitting (yes, divorce is many times the best of two evils for kids) was growing up in a toxic environment where daddy drinks to much and mummy is always unhappy and somewhat frazzled to be there for the kids as much as they need, kids growing up with unhappy parents do model their future relationships on what they see at home. You are focussing on the fun times that your kids can have with his dad, an uncle, your friend or their coach, but the important thing is to be there for them when things are difficult and not fun at all and he is definitively not providing that for your kids.

I’m not saying you should divorce but you definitively need to work together to be there more for the kids and each other before you ruin each other’s lives.