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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH carried on drinking while toddler in an ambulance

160 replies

Feelingconfused2020 · 21/09/2020 00:20

I'm cross, really cross. Yesterday my DD(2) had a funny episode which had some.of the features of a stroke. To me it was more like she went "out of it" and her eyes were funny and she was unresponsive but sufficed to say I was terrified and called 999. DH was away for a friend's birthday.

To cut a long story short the paramedics decided to take us to hospital.and DH carried on drinking. He didn't rush home, he didn't even stay where he was but move to soft drinks for a while just in case. He just carried on getting more and more drunk.

I'm annoyed because I know that if the roles were reversed I would have rushed home knowing my DD needed me. Am I really unreasonable to expect my DH to feel the same? He said he thought it was under control and would have come home if I said he needed to, and I believe him, but for me that's not enough. At one point I was genuinely worried for our daughters life yet today I'm being held to account for not making things clear to him. I'm sure he hear the panic in my voice and he knew we called 999 and were take away in an ambulance I was beside myself and also trying to deal with my older kids and not scare them while organising what they would do while I was I hospital.

So am I unreasonable for feeling cross he didn't just come straight home?

OP posts:
Inkpaperstars · 21/09/2020 01:07

Cross posted with you OP. Have you been wanting out for a while? You sound like you feel a bit trapped.

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 21/09/2020 01:07

I'm 37 and this is the first time I've called 999 in my entire life. I never questioned it for a second. The paramedics told me I had done the right thing. Honestly it was a terrifying moment.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 21/09/2020 01:09

If he was wasted when you messaged him, his judgement would be impaired and at a stretch I might say therefore he doesn't realise he was being unreasonable. BUT it's expect him to be very apologetic and remorseful and concerned.

How drink was he when you got home?

Inkpaperstars · 21/09/2020 01:10

You definitely did the right thing.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/09/2020 01:10

So gaslighting then?

Get rid of this arsehole honey, do you and your kids a favour. Yes, within 6 months he will stop seeing them, but is that such a bad thing when they have such a wonderful mother?

I am guessing he spends no meaningful time with them one on one

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 21/09/2020 01:13

To clarify he was away for this birthday. He'd stayed at a hotel Friday night. Getting back would have taken him two hours but for me the issue was more that he was still drinking at 6 when he may have needed to drive. He claimed he'd drunk too much to drive much earlier than that but the reality was that it happened just after lunch so what time did he start drinking?

I want out, if I'm.honest, but I'm the child of a divorce and I want to protect my kids from it. Surely it's better to have a reasonable.dad who is mostly present. He isn't perfect but he does live them. I've lost all faith than any men are good and I can't face the drama and admin of a divorce that will break my children's hearts. I can't believe I'm the only woman who feels like this.

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 21/09/2020 01:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 21/09/2020 01:16

I am guessing he spends no meaningful time with them one on one

He does. It's weird because he adores them normally. Even my mum said it's out of character and was upset by his behaviour and I wouldn't normally confide in her about him as I feel disloyal I was just so upset last night!

OP posts:
BloggersBlog · 21/09/2020 01:23

Well whoever he was with was obviously more appealing than his 2 year old DD...

Can hardly believe this is true, his behaviour is disgusting

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 21/09/2020 01:27

He was with a group of friends whose wives are my besties so I know he was there. In the end my dad collected him from the train station. It was a 40th celebration. Honestly I think these occasions mean more to him than the time he spends with us. He has always struggled with the restrictions on freedoms that come with children but we have 3 children and it's been years since we were completely free!!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 21/09/2020 01:30

I want out, if I'm.honest, but I'm the child of a divorce and I want to protect my kids from it. Surely it's better to have a reasonable.dad who is mostly present. He isn't perfect but he does live them.

@Feelingconfused2020
A reasonable dad, maybe a marginal yes, if he will work on the problems in good faith.

One who prioritises drinking over remaining sensible enough to even take in information, and who nitpicks about an open kitchen window while you were occupied with an emergency involving his own child?

A resounding no.

You shouldn't sacrifice your own happiness or that of your children in order to try to correct the past or do things differently.

Try to get over your feelings of disloyalty. Talk to people who love you and care the most for you about issues you are going through. Your silence only protects someone who is causing grief and makes it harder to say, 'Well actually, things are not that great...'

Your H showed no loyalty to anyone. He prioritised drinking over his family responsibilities.

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 21/09/2020 01:36

Your silence only protects someone who is causing grief while I agree I also see that the person causing grief is the man I've loved since 2004. I wish it was easy to.write it off but I feel so confused. He's made this horrendous mistake and it isn't the first but he isn't a bad person..do I honestly write him off forever?

OP posts:
Nikori · 21/09/2020 01:54

It sounds like you know where his priorities are now.

I'm not surprised he's ignoring it today. Deep down he knows he behaved like a selfish twat and probably does feel bad, but will never admit it.

BlackSwan · 21/09/2020 01:55

He’s a complete prick and needs to be dealt with. But have I missed the bit where you found out what was wrong with your little one? What caused the episode? I hope you get to the bottom of it.

Inkpaperstars · 21/09/2020 02:12

I think you are taking it too much on yourself when you ask if you should write him off forever. Maybe because you feel you cannot discuss anything with him ( he will turn everything back on you) and have lost hope he can change. You don't have to either accept things as they are or write him off, you can present him with the need for him to change. See if he steps up and thinks of the childen as much as you are. That puts it back on him, will he write the marriage off rather than make an effort? It doesn't sound like he will change, I agree.

FortunesFave · 21/09/2020 02:32

It would also be game over for me OP. Not ok at all. Even worse is your mentioning that you can't talk to him about his reaction because he'll blame you.

That is TERRIBLE.

You know he was behaving badly but you can't even talk about it? The relationship is already over. I'm glad your DD is ok...but this is so sad...your husband is a bad parent.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/09/2020 02:45

He's made this horrendous mistake and it isn't the first but he isn't a bad person..do I honestly write him off forever?

He has always struggled with the restrictions on freedoms that come with children but we have 3 children and it's been years since we were completely free!!

History has told you that he will always put himself first. Your children deserve better, should you write their childhoods off?

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/09/2020 02:48

And I will always forgive a person who struggles with being a parent when they have had their first. Lets face it, none of us knows how it will be until we have a child. If you realise that parenthood isnt your thing, then stop procreating..

But to struggle with it and go on to have more ..... no sympathy whatsoever for them, and lots for their kids.

alexdgr8 · 21/09/2020 02:56

what about the rule of six. how many people was he with.
he should have returned pronto to support you, and how can he love the child if he shews no interest in her being taken to hospital.
didn't he ask what the doctors said.
why do you want to stay with this person.
he will only continue to drain your emotional energy.

gumball37 · 21/09/2020 02:57

I'd file for divorce.

FuckYouCorona · 21/09/2020 02:59

You & your "D" H sound like my parents. Personally I was the only child who wanted my parents to get divorced because dad was such an arsehole & mum enabled him. Sadly she never left & ended up dying young having wasted her entire adult life on him. Sad Stop enabling him to be an arsehole. You & more importantly, your DC deserve better! Flowers

Mintjulia · 21/09/2020 03:04

Sorry OP but this is a man who cannot be relied on to care for his own family, he is a lazy selfish drunk. Basically not worth having.

Start planning seriously how you will survive without him. Look to your and your children's futures because he won't. Flowers

CharlieParley · 21/09/2020 03:18

@Feelingconfused2020

Your silence only protects someone who is causing grief while I agree I also see that the person causing grief is the man I've loved since 2004. I wish it was easy to.write it off but I feel so confused. He's made this horrendous mistake and it isn't the first but he isn't a bad person..do I honestly write him off forever?
I wouldn't. His behaviour once he got home suggests to me that he might be feeling guilty having made the wrong call on Saturday and that he would rather not get into a fight because he already knows he messed up. But if there is one, he's already on the defensive so it's all your fault. Somehow. You didn't make it clear, you weren't explicit, you left the window open etc. It's a pattern I'm quite familiar with. That doesn't mean he's useless as a father and husband, although it does hint at some issues that need to be addressed. (Which doesn't mean you can always resolve them.)

It doesn't matter that he was drunk btw. If he'd moved on to soft drinks immediately after your call, he could have taken a train (or whatever) back to your house at tea time at the latest, so I'd be massively pissed off and disappointed, too.

I wouldn't have the confrontation now, but I would make it clear at an opportune moment that no matter what social event either of you is at, any medical emergency should trigger an immediate return home. (And hash out what you will do for circumstances where the absence is because of professional commitments.) Sometimes these things do need to be said out loud. And by medical emergency I don't mean it has to be life-threatening, but 999 definitely qualifies. If there's any doubt whether you should return at all, that ought to be gone as soon as the ambulance crew decides to take one of your DC - or you/your DH - into hospital.

Bringing up children together is hard. Staying together through thick and thin is hard. Longterm relationships are hard. They just are. You may need to go separate ways, or you may not. I just wouldn't make any final judgements right now, but without giving him a pass for this in the long-term. Allow yourself to deal with the shock and fright first. Then talk about this.

And I really hope your DD is okay! My oldest once walked towards me, stumbled, then like a tree, fell over right in front of me and then had a small seizure. It was frightening and we went to A&E too where he was most thoroughly checked over. Although we never did get a definitive answer as to why it happened, it never happened again. I very much hope it will never happen again for you, too.

SmokeMirrors · 21/09/2020 03:21

If he was drunk he wouldn't have been ok to drive until the next day, especially a 2 hour drive, no way would he have been driving home.

anorangeaday · 21/09/2020 03:43

YANBU! That is awful