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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH carried on drinking while toddler in an ambulance

160 replies

Feelingconfused2020 · 21/09/2020 00:20

I'm cross, really cross. Yesterday my DD(2) had a funny episode which had some.of the features of a stroke. To me it was more like she went "out of it" and her eyes were funny and she was unresponsive but sufficed to say I was terrified and called 999. DH was away for a friend's birthday.

To cut a long story short the paramedics decided to take us to hospital.and DH carried on drinking. He didn't rush home, he didn't even stay where he was but move to soft drinks for a while just in case. He just carried on getting more and more drunk.

I'm annoyed because I know that if the roles were reversed I would have rushed home knowing my DD needed me. Am I really unreasonable to expect my DH to feel the same? He said he thought it was under control and would have come home if I said he needed to, and I believe him, but for me that's not enough. At one point I was genuinely worried for our daughters life yet today I'm being held to account for not making things clear to him. I'm sure he hear the panic in my voice and he knew we called 999 and were take away in an ambulance I was beside myself and also trying to deal with my older kids and not scare them while organising what they would do while I was I hospital.

So am I unreasonable for feeling cross he didn't just come straight home?

OP posts:
ddl1 · 21/09/2020 09:34

YANBU. It sounds as though he may have a real problem with alcohol. Even in the days when fathers tended to be less participant, they would have expected to come home in such a crisis. How is your daughter now? What did the people at the hospital say?

Heartofstrings · 21/09/2020 09:35

Was it a breath hold? They cry, go rigid, eyes roll, pass out and come round groggy

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 21/09/2020 09:35

OP, when DS was a similar age, and I took him to the doctors because he wasn't getting better from what we had thought was a bad cold, DP did go to work. But when I rang him to say we'd been blue-lit to the hospital, he left work and came to us straight away (well, it took two hours, but that's commuting for you). When DS had to stay in, he did nights, and I did days, and he still went to work because sometimes parenting is tough.

That's pretty normal I think.

blanchmange50 · 21/09/2020 09:37

If my DC was going to hospital in an ambulance my DH would be in a cab on his way back. Not just to make sure his DC is ok but to support me. Your relationship is not good and please dont settle for a crap relationship because you come from divorced parents. That is an excuse. Dc would prefer happy parents than a house where there is unhappiness

innitbloodysuper · 21/09/2020 09:46

My parents didn't recover from a very similar incident when I was a child. But it was my mum who didn't rush to my side, not my dad. I had been bitten by a dog, my mum was going for after work drinks. My dad arrived at my friends just as the ambulance arrived, and it was clear I needed hospital. I can remember my dad calling my mum from my friends house phone. Long story short, it was a major trauma, I had to go to theatre, my dad passed out at the state of my wounds and I pretty much went through the experience alone as he kept vomiting. Mum was in bed when we got home the next morning. When asked why she didn't come, my mum replied saying "she didn't think it would be THAT bad", while I'm there in a wheelchair bandaged from my ankle to my hip. Of course there was the apologies, but their marriage was already in a bad place and I think this was the final nail. I also remember it, I needed my mum and she wasn't there. So I'm sorry OP but it really is unforgivable. What if it happens again?

QueSera · 21/09/2020 09:56

There is something seriously wrong with your DH. He doesn't seem to care about his family. He seems to use anger to prevent you from presenting him with some basic home truths. He seems to treat you like shit.
Even if that incident was not the end of my relationship right then, it would most likely contribute to the end in the not-too-distant-future.

Sockmonster23 · 21/09/2020 10:01

That would be enough to put me off! My children come first always and I can’t imagine doing that. That would make me seriously angry. I’m glad she was looked at with care.

KihoBebiluPute · 21/09/2020 10:07

I agree there is something seriously wrong when a dad doesn't drop everything and come home in these circumstances.

either he was already too drunk to think straight when this happened (already a problem because someone with a young child simply should be mature enough not to want to ever be that drunk) or he simply doesn't care about you or the DC enough to care.

I know my DH would have been out of the party and en route home within 30 seconds of a phone call like that. because that is what a decent person does.

MegaClutterSlut · 21/09/2020 10:09

your dh is a shit and I don't think I'd be able to forgive this tbh. His prioty certainly wasn't his family. Parents who gave a shit would be rushing to get home, there'd be no stopping them

SkySmiler · 21/09/2020 10:14

Yeah would be game over for me too, certainly not the reaction from a loving father. He's certainly showed you where his priorities lie.... actions speak louder than words.

Etinox · 21/09/2020 10:19

I tapped YABU in error.
Flowers

Trisolaris · 21/09/2020 10:31

@Mummyoflittledragon

He sounds useless and this sounds like a dealbreaker to me.

Tell me more about what happened to your dd. My dd has Reflex Anoxic Seizures. Not everyone has heard of them so it could have been missed at the hospital. Just wondering if it was this. Could be from your description. They aren’t anything to be drastically worried about if so. It’s a sudden loss of consciousness, where the heart either slows or stops then automatically restarts. My dd falls backwards and bangs her head but she gets warnings now and knows to lie down. She goes very pale and her eyes roll. With a full, not partial seizure, she goes blue lipped as well due to very slow or no heartbeat. She can’t move when she comes round and is very sleepy. All normal. Takes 24 hours to feel ok, 48 to feel completely better. Will wet herself. Brought on by pain, shock or some illnesses such as vomiting.

Second the suggestion to look into Reflex Anoxic Seizures if this happens again. I also have family history of this.
ThirstyGhost · 21/09/2020 10:35

This is the kind of thing that changes how you see someone. I'd probably carry on for a bit while I processed it and because I find it difficult to make decisions, but it'd be there in the background, every other selfish thing he did from then on would add to it, and eventually the relationship would end. I don't know any decent man who wouldn't have stopped drinking, actively tried to sober up and find a way to get home as soon as possible. You and your daughter deserve someone decent.

chocorabbit · 21/09/2020 10:36

Even if your DD was fine it is still not ok for one of her ADULT parents to get drunk. He needs to grow up as he has responsibilities. Now this takes it to another level of incompetence and neglect.

HotPatootiebootie · 21/09/2020 10:39

That is really shocking. For me this would be game over and diviorce.

Last week I was at my sisters sharing a bottle of wine with her while our kids played ( aged 6-12). My eldest, the 12 yo suddenly complained of feeling sick , warm and having a head ache. I called her dad and he came to pick her up and insisted on my staying as we were just 2 miles from home and he is more than capable of motioring a head ache and temperature while they watch a movie on the couch. And he was right, but I still felt guilty even though it was the first time ive been out of the house in ages. Had it been anything worse, I would have been in the car going home with them and if an ambulance was called I would be like a limpet at my kids side. My OH if I called him at work and said one of the kids are in an ambulance he would take the work vehicle he was in and risk getting
sacked over it to be there for us. Because his family is and always will be his number 1 priority.

I know a close friend that had two kids, a 2 year old and a 6 week old baby. The 6 week old got very sick very quickly and got rushed to A and E as they were so listless, pale but hot. They were admitted with suspected meningitis and had a horde of DRs and nurses around them as baby was very ill. Her "partner" had previosuly bought tickets to a very exclusive event for that night and and sent his 2yo son to his mothers and he and the mother agreed that he should still go as " its not like he can do anything". But he could have. He could have supported his partner. Taken her some clothes and food. Sat with his 2 yo and shown him he was loved while his baby was fighting for his life. Instead he went out, came back at noon the following day and was surprised when I was in his house getting her clothes and supplies. That night he had a go at her for not asking how his night went and why she hadnt commented on the photos on FB. He hadnt even asked about the baby or was she ok. After 5 days the baby was thankfully fine. That was the begining of the end. He has moved on to another sucker now but I still see him occassionally and he is still the most selfish, self absorbed shit head ever.

You and your kids deserve better.

doodleygirl · 21/09/2020 10:42

I think your standard regarding a good relationship are too low. Do you really want to be with a man who not only puts his drinking time before his daughter but he is t even apologetic.

I wound suggest counselling as he doesn’t seem to understand what a twat he is.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 21/09/2020 10:53

He should have come back to help out with the other kids if nothing else .
Sorry but he doesnt give a shit .

GabsAlot · 21/09/2020 10:53

how selfish and all he cold say was you left the window open-id leave the door open so he could go

Strawberrycreamsundae · 21/09/2020 10:58

Well, he’s made perfectly clear that getting drunk tops everything else and you and the DCs are a very poor second.
Personally that would finish it for me, I wouldn’t want to rely on him for anything after that.
AND he tries blaming you for what happened? Ignorant oaf.

AnyFucker · 21/09/2020 10:59

I can't face the drama and admin of a divorce

That's it then. Stick with what you have got and expect more of the same.

SeaToSki · 21/09/2020 11:13

Its shit that he kept on drinking, but now I think the not being able to have a proper conversation about it is the bigger problem. You said that this is a pattern for the both of you. I think some counseling might be helpful for both of you, to work on your communication skills with each other

yetanothernamitynamechange · 21/09/2020 11:15

Its not even just about how much practical help you could be.
Or about culture and whats "expected" of men these days and in the past.
Its just a really really strange reaction to your child being potentially seriously unwell. Even in a very "traditional" setup where most of the active childcare is done by the mother I can't imagine most fathers with a normal range of emotions reacting like that. In fact if I was out with a group of people and one of them said "ahh my wife's just texted to say my toddlers been rushed in an ambulance to hospital" but then stayed and continued drinking we would all be Shock Shock Shock Shock Shock its so cold.

Dullardmullard · 21/09/2020 11:16

you’ll be back next year reliving this because of resentment if you don’t leave or at least talk it through and leave.

It’s no way to live and will affect your kids.

D4rwin · 21/09/2020 11:16

There's no point in him really if this is his response to an actual emergency.

madcatladyforever · 21/09/2020 11:23

It's quite clear to me OP that his family mean nothing to him. I suspect if you got cancer or became seriously I'll he would bail out. He can never be relied on in any way. Do you need that in your life?
My husband whom I loved bailed on me when I became seriously I'll. Just pissed off when I was in hospital and I never really heard from him again. I suspect yours is one of these.