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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH carried on drinking while toddler in an ambulance

160 replies

Feelingconfused2020 · 21/09/2020 00:20

I'm cross, really cross. Yesterday my DD(2) had a funny episode which had some.of the features of a stroke. To me it was more like she went "out of it" and her eyes were funny and she was unresponsive but sufficed to say I was terrified and called 999. DH was away for a friend's birthday.

To cut a long story short the paramedics decided to take us to hospital.and DH carried on drinking. He didn't rush home, he didn't even stay where he was but move to soft drinks for a while just in case. He just carried on getting more and more drunk.

I'm annoyed because I know that if the roles were reversed I would have rushed home knowing my DD needed me. Am I really unreasonable to expect my DH to feel the same? He said he thought it was under control and would have come home if I said he needed to, and I believe him, but for me that's not enough. At one point I was genuinely worried for our daughters life yet today I'm being held to account for not making things clear to him. I'm sure he hear the panic in my voice and he knew we called 999 and were take away in an ambulance I was beside myself and also trying to deal with my older kids and not scare them while organising what they would do while I was I hospital.

So am I unreasonable for feeling cross he didn't just come straight home?

OP posts:
Pobblebonk · 21/09/2020 08:26

Our relationship isn't in a great place. If I confront him he will blame me for not keeping him informed and for not watching her closely enough.

Obviously you were watching her closely because you saw what happened and acted on it immediately. And none of that is relevant to his lack of reaction anyway.

As for not keeping him informed, all that he needed to know was that his very young child had been taken to hospital by ambulance after a possible seizure. The notion that he was justified in carrying on drinking whilst waiting for further reports from you is absolutely farcical. How could any father who genuinely cared about his child contemplate staying away in those circumstances, let alone carrying on drinking?

Krazynights34 · 21/09/2020 08:30

It stands out to me that you said you feel disloyal if you speak badly of him to others.
That is something I identify with and that seems to me to be the sign of a controlling or manipulative man. I could be wrong but I recognise that fear.
I hope your DD is ok

WiserOlder · 21/09/2020 08:34

Well that shows you how much he cares :-/

hardboiledeggs · 21/09/2020 08:36

I could not forgive this. He should have at least came home to get the other DC. He doesn't care about his Daughter by the sounds of it which is heartbreaking. Can't be easy for you

Dozer · 21/09/2020 08:36

Dealbreaker IMO.

You’re not protecting your DC staying with a man who did what he did! And who treats you badly, which is likely to deeply affect their future relationships, for the worse.

OldEvilOwl · 21/09/2020 08:44

He sounds like a selfish prick. And he's not even sorry the next day and thinks he's done nothing wrong? That's even worse! Angry

Flibbitygibbit · 21/09/2020 08:50

I had a "DH" like this once. Note "once"

Anydreamwilldo12 · 21/09/2020 08:51

Well, at least you know where you stand OP. He couldn't give a shit about his children or you. Having a good time with his mates is much more important to him. Any decent man would have been out of his mind with worry and got home any way possible.

He's a selfish twat but I guess you know that already.

DrDavidBanner · 21/09/2020 08:53

Well look if you lan to stay with him at least now you know his priorities and what the children and you mean to him.

Woudn't do for me but we all live our lives the best we can, moving forward just know he is not a reliable person and he doesn't have his childrens best interests at heart. You are the sole carer and provide and he is window dressing. Accepting that will make your life much easier to accept.

SurreyHillsGirl · 21/09/2020 08:56

Eugh. You must have been terrified, OP. I cannot blv your husband just left you to get on with it. I couldn't continue being in a marriage to such a waste of oxygen to be frank

KizzyKat91 · 21/09/2020 08:57

Your DHs reaction is not normal and I would argue shows he does not love or care for either you or your children. Quite frankly, his behaviour is disgusting.

My father would have done everything in his power to get to the hospital in order to support my mum and make sure I was ok.

A few years ago, when I was in my early 20s, I became ill one evening and rang my mother as I was so distressed. I developed severe abdominal pain and collapsed. She drove me to a&e.

My father was on a work night out, drinking and having a curry. My mother rang him, and he immediately stopped drinking and explained the situation to his friends. The restaurant owner gave him a lift to a&e as he was over the limit and unable to drive. He found us and stayed with us until I was discharged. I was an adult, I had my mum for support, I didn’t need him to be there. But he wanted to be.

Hopefully this story puts your husbands behaviour into perspective...

LilyLongJohn · 21/09/2020 09:01

It is piss poor and I can understand how fed up, annoyed and hurt you are by his actions. I think I'd also be more upset about how he's turned his fucked up actions around to be your fault, how on earth does he honestly think this is your fault?

But, on the one hand you say it's out of character for him, if this was the case a swift 'get your priorities right' bollocking would suffice, however you've also said that you want to leave, so I suspect there is more to it than him not leaving a birthday party.

Lowhangingfruit · 21/09/2020 09:02

This post has made me cry a bit for you and your family. I can't see a way back from this if it happened to me ☹️

AnneOfTeenFables · 21/09/2020 09:03

He was too drunk to drive and too drunk to be responsible for DCs. I wonder if he was also too drunk to realise how serious the situation was.
I understand why you wanted him there but really you wanted a responsible parent by your side not a drunk who sounds incapable of helping or looking after the other DCs.
Is his drinking usually a problem?

Quartz2208 · 21/09/2020 09:03

Quite the opposite candylebon his behaviour is far worse because she feels that she can’t talk to him and it is still going on

HoppingPavlova · 21/09/2020 09:07

How was she crying and out if it at the same time? Sorry, trying to visualise.

He wouldn’t have been allowed into the hospital I imagine but any normal person would have packed it in and hot-footed it home to look after their other kids.

Cam77 · 21/09/2020 09:08

Last night when I got in from the hospital (he was home by then) one of the first things he said was that I'd left the kitchen window open (while I rushed his 2 yr old to hospital in an ambulance)
There's no way I get out of a confrontation as anything but the guilty party and I just can't face it.

He berated you for leaving the window open after you rushed your child to hospital? He sounds like a headcase.

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 21/09/2020 09:12

How was she crying and out if it at the same time? Sorry, trying to visualise

She started crying then started to go funny and out of it then came round a bit and cried again. It's hard to remember exactly actually as it's all a bit of a blur.

OP posts:
pastandpresent · 21/09/2020 09:15

I'm not sure. He was already drunk, he must have lacked sensible thinking. He couldn't have come because he was already wasted. Lack of interest next day maybe a guilt after realizing what was going on while he was drunk.
I wouldn't have wanted him if I were you, drunken person driving is just going to add more worry. I would have let him stay there.
But I do expect him to stop drinking, though I also think that's can be expecting too much from already drunk person.

52andblue · 21/09/2020 09:15

OP I have Pm'd you x

Spidey66 · 21/09/2020 09:22

Wrong, very wrong of him.

Even if he felt it was inappropriate to be in the ambulance smelling of alcohol, he should still have come home to look after the other kids.

AutumnSuns · 21/09/2020 09:25

.

AutumnSuns · 21/09/2020 09:26

Sorry the fact he’s not even mentioned it today is just wrong. He’s sulking and it’s his fault. You are the child of a divorce but it’s better for your kids, trust me they don’t want to live knowing mummy and daddy don’t like each other

thepeopleversuswork · 21/09/2020 09:29

That would be an absolute dealbreaker for me TBH. I couldn't continue to love or respect someone who put drinking at the top of his list of priorities ahead of a potentially critically unwell child.

There is nothing for it but LTB I'm afraid. If you remain with him you are showing your children that this is the value he places on them.

BeTheHokeyMan · 21/09/2020 09:33

@thepeopleversuswork

That would be an absolute dealbreaker for me TBH. I couldn't continue to love or respect someone who put drinking at the top of his list of priorities ahead of a potentially critically unwell child.

There is nothing for it but LTB I'm afraid. If you remain with him you are showing your children that this is the value he places on them.

Totally agree with this . He sounds like a selfish manchild such a strange reaction to his child been unwell.