To refuse DS his 'greatest wish'

[Toomuchstuffwillkillme]

DS2 has always been a bit dog obsessed and has recently mounted a concerted campaign to persuade me we should get one.

He will love it to bits, walk it lots, play with it, it will be his best friend, his life will be enriched.

I'm just not convinced. I don't mind other people's dogs, but I'm just not a dog lover. (Surely that's a fairly basic requirement for dog ownership?) I really, really don't want to share my home with one. DH is sitting firmly on the fence on this one, so it's me who is being made to feel like the evil mean parent. DS promises he would feed, walk and love said dog, which is probably true. I have no doubt whatsoever who would end up doing the extra hoovering, floor washing, dog-food-buying, poop scooping etc.
We have several other non-furry lower maintenance pets who are loved, but would all be dead by now if I didn't look after them.
Apparently this would be different if we had a dog, I'd get loads of help looking after it, it would be hardly any work (Yeah right, while you're at school all day & I'm trying to work part time from home.)
And yes our existing pets are non-furry because I have pet hair allergies, though to be fair not usually to dogs.

I loathe going to houses which have dogs and getting covered in dog hair. Even if said houses have people who vacuum daily, they ALWAYS smell of dog. I suppose if it was our dog I'd get used to it.
Picking up dog poo is repellent.
Also, I am the polar opposite of Mrs Hinch. I dislike cleaning at the best of times, keeping the place vaguely straight and cleaning up after the kids is bad enough, the thought of adding a dog frankly terrifies me.
Oh and I like my garden. A lot. I don't want it dug up or pooed on or peed on.

As a family we enjoy travelling and visiting people, in the UK and abroad (2020 has not been a great year ). Closest family are over 3 hrs drive away. There is no-one here who would look after a dog for us. Most of the family would not appreciate us bringing a dog when we visit. We will end up either restricted to local dog-friendly holidays or spending a fortune on kennels.

Please help me out here, people who don't have a dog, or even people who do. What can I possibly say to DS to get him to see things from a different perspective. He's convinced that having a dog will make his life better and therefore mine too. I think it will be expensive, stressful, massively restrict my freedom and create a load of mum-work for minimal gain.

YABU - parenting is all about making sacrifices to keep your kids happy, if you can afford it you should suck it up and let DS have what he wants

YANBU - this is a huge lifestyle/financial commitment and if you're not 100% on board you'll end up regretting or resenting it - kids can't always have what they want

I have 2 dogs and love them to bits. I don't mind the extra cleaning, costs, holiday limitations etc. But they are expensive, insurance is expensive and if you don't have it the vets bills can be eye watering. They cost quite a bit to feed too as they have extra treats etc. We have to go to holiday cottages and your choice is limited when you have dogs. Yes there is a smell to your house even though you keep on top of the cleaning. If you already have to look after other pets then I would just say no. He can't look after it and let it out when he's at school, again that would be down to you. As well as borrow my doggy there is also the Cinnamon Trust where people look after other people's dogs when they are ill, in hospital or otherwise unable to walk them. Or he could help out walking dogs at a local rescue centre. You're not being unreasonable, it's your house. I hate cats with a vengence and wouldn't even consider having one in my house. He can have one when he has his own place

A child can't decide to have a dog. You and dh would be the ones committing. Sounds like a bunch of wifework.

YANBU, and I love dogs. You would have all the responsibility from the start, because animals are an adult responsibility, and also all the work if (when) DS hasn’t got time.

Both my DCs really wanted a dog, but I always said no. I thought I'd end up looking after it and I just don't have time (although I do adore dogs). We also like long haul holidays and I work abroad a lot (pre CV19) so it wasn't really compatible with our lifestyle.

So, instead of a dog of our own we joined borrowmydoggy.com and matched with a gorgeous dog local to us. We have walked her most Sundays (apart from when we are away) for around 5 years and for us this is the best way. She is amazing and wonderful but we don't have to worry when we are at work or away.

YANBU.

Tbh, it really doesn't matter if he sees your point of view.

You are the parent.

A no is a no. You've given him the reasons. If he can't or won't understand them that's not a reason to keep negotiating with him.

... and everything MsSquiz says, 100%.

I wouldn't get one op. My kids would love a dog , but it'd just be yet another thing on my never ending list. I'd resent it , and that's not fair. Sounds like you have a similar view.

My Mum had a lovely little dog that her ex partner convinced her to get , partner left , and didn't take the poor dog. She grew to love it , but didn't get another when it eventually died as she wanted spontaneous weekend breaks and days out in her retirement. The dog made these things more difficult.

Please, please DO NOT let your son have a dog. I have a rescue dog who was left alone for days on her own after the owner decided it affected their social life! She has been with me for 4 years now and is the most adorable little dog, but I shall never forget the day she came home with me a shivering wreck. Dogs are not toys, they are a huge commitment. I agree with other posters perhaps he could help at a dogs home or maybe an elderly person who would like him to do some dog walking for them. Stay strong OP do not give in.

With you for the same reasons. DS1 and DS2 would love a dog, DH is ambivalent and I don’t want one. I win - we’re not getting one.

Oh dear, this sounds like my childhood. All I ever wanted from being about 5 years old was a dog and riding lessons. I never got either of them, so from about 12 I walked the neighbours dog, without fail and in all weathers. I left home at 18 and have never been back since.

Surely there was more to it than not getting a dog? You make it sound like they locked you in the attic.

Be honest with him - tell him you don't really like dogs and don't want to share your home with one. I dislike dogs intensely and would never have one - I also don't even like visiting friends at home who do.

My parents were conned by 'friends' into 'temporarily' looking after their dog while they went on holiday...they promptly moved, disappeared and were never seen or heard from again. This was back in the early 70s, I was about 5. I tolerated that dog but that confirmed it to me that I'd never willingly have one myself.

I used to threaten that when they grew up I would use their furniture as trampolines like they dd mine and DD recently told me she is still nervous I am going to do it. I am tempted, revenge is tempting.

- I often tell my children that when they get their own homes I will be straight round to bounce on furniture, leave all the lights on, run their hot water out, put dirty pots everywhere and leave bits of rubbish on the floor!

My cousin let herself be conned into getting a dog. Her kids begged for years, promising all sorts. Guess who now looks after the dog all day at home, feeds him, walks him for miles twice a day, pays the vet bills? She's the one who doesn't go on holiday as the dog hates kennels, her kids swan off all over the world now they are older, leaving good old mum with 'their' dog. My kids would love a dog. I say no because we can't afford the vet bills or the time to look after one properly.

I do think the parents really do need to want the dog too in order for it to work. Even if the child is old enough to take the dog for walks by himself chances are that the child will also soon be old enough to move out and then you are left with the dog anyway.

I always wanted a dog as a child. My mum used to write weekly shopping lists and I would always sneak in and write 'dog' at the top of the list. I would walk our neighbours dogs, and by granddads dog regularly and I did dog sitting for free for the neighbourhood as a teenager. That sort of made me satisfied in some ways. Not sure if you can do that these days though without people asking you to have insurance, dog first aid diploma, dog training experience and a degree in dog psychology.

However, it wasn't until I was in my mid-thirties I got a dog compatible life where I wasn't out of the house for the 10+ hours a day. Now I have two dogs and the kids are pretty much grown up. I absolutely love the dogs and the fact that I finally got the opportunity to have them. Wouldn't give them up for anything. Your son's time will come too.

I have told my children that they can have a dog - if they first walk our neighbour's dog every day for a year.

Last time they tried, they lasted a week . So we have no dog, and I am not to blame as I didn't say 'no'.

And our neighbour thinks it's great as she periodically get a break from dogwalking.

(I'd probably agree even if they did it 5/7 days for 3 months. But they won't . )

I did everything but twist my parents arms to get a dog. Then within a few weeks my parents were doing most of her care. I got her, so I was able to tick that box and turn my attention to things I didn't yet have. Children are selfish. Stick to your guns. The great thing about getting a dog is that there is no time limit on it, no-one ages out of being a pet owner. He can get one at any point in his life, once he's not living with someone with a pet allergy who already takes care of his existing pets.

My neighbour opposite also had a son who had been whinging on for a dog for years. From being about 7 all he ever wanted was a dog.

Like your son, he promised he'd do everything for it - feeding, walking, grooming etc - so she asked him to prove it. For 6 months every day he had to go for a walk before school, and after school - and hour each time. I used to see him setting off early morning and on an evening (which is how I found out why he was doing it, when I commented how keen a walker he was). He did this for 6 months, as she asked - and they let him get his dog. And he did look after it - out twice a day , all feeding etc. Cleaned up any mess it left indoors (mud, hair etc).

He is at uni now, though (final year - dog is about 11) but still looks after it during the vacs. And as it happens, the family became quite enamoured of the dog and decided to get another one - they had a look at a litter and came back with two, so now have 3 JRTs.

They are smashing little dogs - but of course, not everyone will change their ideas like this. And there is still the fact that your son, too, will probably go away to uni and someone at home will have to look after the dog. And dogs are very tying. And I can almost promise you that if the novelty wears of (and it probably will) YOU will be the one left chasing round after tha animal.

I speak as a dog-lover (we have 4), but I would say that if there's any doubt in your mind - don't get one.

Mine have said similar and I have just said no. There's the cost of vet bills, and with an old dog it can be difficult to leave in kennels even if you find the best ones ever.
We've had small pets in the past and I've done nearly all the work with them, so guess who would be walking the dog .

Clariana, that sounds Harsh!

@Clariana

Oh dear, this sounds like my childhood. All I ever wanted from being about 5 years old was a dog and riding lessons. I never got either of them, so from about 12 I walked the neighbours dog, without fail and in all weathers. I left home at 18 and have never been back since.

I have virtually no relationship with my parents, not that we fell out or anything dramatic, but we are very different and have nothing in common, and I suppose if i am honest I feel I was never important to them. It is quite sad really.

I don’t think this is fair. That may be your experience but this is pretty extreme.

My parents didn’t let me have a dog but we have a great relationship. There were loads of things they said no to that I felt were unfair at the time but I understand now as an adult.

Tell him if he goes out for 30 minute a walk twice a day EVERY DAY no matter the weather, before school and after he gets home for a month, you will think about it, if he can't do that, he won't bother for the dog.

@Toomuchstuffwillkillme as well as borrow my doggy, please have a look and see if the Cinnamon Trust need any volunteers locally.

As a dog owner I would say you are not being unreasonable . There are definite downsides which you have correctly identified - some of which are manageable eg we have a non hair shedding breed so no hair shed at all ( hurrah!) and there is also to be added in the extra costs too ( I had a vets bill of £200 earlier this week Although we do have insurance ). Also my DC promised faithfully they would do the caring but I do 90 percent of it and the puppy months are very hard work . My DH wasnt that keen but was eventually worn down . Saying all of that it was absolutely the right thing for our family - DDog has bound us closer , was brilliant for everyone’s sanity in lockdown , I love my walks ( even when it’s raining ) and overall dog ownership has been extremely positive for our family . Even my not so keen DH is absolutely besotted with DDog . If you do go down the route of getting a dog do get the right breed For your lifestyle - so if you can’t fit in really long walks then get a breed/ cross that doesn’t need as much exercise , get a less neurotic Breed/cross if they need to spend much time on their own etc etc . I would also recommend investing time in training - it will make such a difference to being a happy dog family and don’t let them rule the roost . You do need to be firm so they know who is boss. I absolutely cannot imagine life now without DDog .

He is great fun to be with and is ultimate companion when everyone is out. Good luck with what ever you decide .

@Toomuchstuffwillkillme
I work in rescue and if someone stated the reason for wanting a dog was for a child, it’s be a no.
I don’t know your sons age, under 12 he can’t commit to care; it will be you and a teenager will soon be too busy with friends, hobbies, girlfriends.
You could perhaps consider fostering from a. foster based rescue?

Dogs are a lot of work. They need walked twice a day, they are expensive, they are messy and they can be destructive.

You really have to love them to put up with all of this. I think it’s too much for you and I agree you would be left with the majority of the work.

Dogs are really difficult to get hold of at the moment and are very very expensive. Tell him he needs to wait for a year or so (until pandemic is over) hopefully by then he will be bored of the idea.

YANBU
And I have 2 dogs that I love.
My children love them too but do not help with them.
A dog is a huge commitment in caring, time and money.
Unless you are prepared for walking in all weathers, cleaning up and big vetinary bills forget it.