How would you feel if your Dh did this?

[Autumnsunshineday]

So imagine whilst out you go to a sandwich shop with your dc and Dh. Dh agrees to go in and buy the food while you wait outside with the dc.

You ask Dh to get you a cheese sandwich, second option would be a chicken sandwich or any other type of sandwich. The dc choose a sandwich each too. Dh wants a sausage roll.

Instead of sandwiches your Dh comes out with a sausage roll each for everyone. You don't like sausage rolls, you never have. So you tell your Dh you don't like sausage rolls. He then tells you that the shop had no sandwiches, and you're just being fussy. You question the fact that a sandwich shop would have no sandwiches, at all, but your Dh insists they had no sandwiches at all, the shops useless, they've run out of sandwiches, he even asked them to make one but they wouldn't.

So you say you'll nip in yourself and get something else, your Dh then tries to stop you, berating you for not just eating the sausage roll.

When you go into the shop, they are actually fully stocked with every variety sandwiches. Turns out your Dh just couldn't be bothered to pick up the different sandwiches.

If it’s an isolated incident then I would be inclined to let him know why it pissed you off and ask why he tried to gaslight you. If he has done similar things in the past then you need to be questioning your relationship. Bottom line is that it’s a trust issue.

@GreenGoldRed

This is exactly the sort of thing my ex would have done. I think part of it was not listening when I spoke. Then a selfishness (didn’t actually care what I said)/couldn’t be arsed to think about what I liked.

Then a lie to protect himself, “rather then oops Sorry forgot”. I would also then got a rant about, “you don’t like anything, it’s so hard to buy for”. Then a sulk.

It’s exhausting and hence why he is an ex.

ah yes, I found a lot of men are like this (can't be bothered to listen and don't care).

Some care enough to pretend until certain points (during courtship, first few years of marriage) before the mask dropped; many can't even bothered during dating stage (oddly there are women who are willing to take them anyway with the hope he will change)

Get your own sandwich?

@Nandakanda

Get your own sandwich?

She tried that and was berated by her DH for it and told she was making a fuss.

He actually expected her to eat sausage rolls which she hates. Also, he wouldn't buy his own children a sandwich either. 🥪🥪🥪🥪🥪

What a shit. He clearly hates you and the children. Don't waste any more of your life. Leave him.

@Nandakanda

Get your own sandwich?

Read the thread? Learn comprehension skills?

My ex was like this. I divorced him and I'm insanely happy he is gone. He used to throw my things away and lie and tell me he hadnt seen them and didnt know where they were.
A lie is a lie.

I want to hear more from the pp who commented that her ex used to GROWL at her...
WTAF?

He's a thief.

Not so much about the cupcake per se but a joy thief.

He damn well knew it was your treat and he ate half of it to take your enjoyment out of the time you'd had without him.

It was a punishment and one designed to gaslight you so he could say you were over reacting about half a cake.

If he thought it was his he'd have eaten it all or been surprised you'd bought something he didn't like and left it in the fridge.

My exP had a similar trait.

If I went out without him I'd come home to find the kitchen in a state having left it spotless.

How someone could create so much mess making a sandwich or beans on toast (he didn't cook) was beyond me.

I finally cottoned on that the whole point was for me to come home from a nice time out without him was to be confronted with a "downer" of having to clean up after an envious man baby.

He was also adept at scoffing chocolate I'd been saving (bought as presents for me) so I'd go to the box and find them all gone (and if not all then certainly my favourite ones taken first).

It's just petulant passive aggressive behaviour and I finally had enough of him trying to gaslight and control me and left.

He couldn't understand why.

He couldn't see that all the petty incidents actually meant something ie that he was a selfish controlling shit.

Good for you sarahhann!

@DeRigueurMortis

He's a thief.

Not so much about the cupcake per se but a joy thief.

He damn well knew it was your treat and he ate half of it to take your enjoyment out of the time you'd had without him.

It was a punishment and one designed to gaslight you so he could say you were over reacting about half a cake.

If he thought it was his he'd have eaten it all or been surprised you'd bought something he didn't like and left it in the fridge.

My exP had a similar trait.

If I went out without him I'd come home to find the kitchen in a state having left it spotless.

How someone could create so much mess making a sandwich or beans on toast (he didn't cook) was beyond me.

I finally cottoned on that the whole point was for me to come home from a nice time out without him was to be confronted with a "downer" of having to clean up after an envious man baby.

He was also adept at scoffing chocolate I'd been saving (bought as presents for me) so I'd go to the box and find them all gone (and if not all then certainly my favourite ones taken first).

It's just petulant passive aggressive behaviour and I finally had enough of him trying to gaslight and control me and left.

He couldn't understand why.

He couldn't see that all the petty incidents actually meant something ie that he was a selfish controlling shit.

Who the fuck has the mental time and effort to do shit like this?

Do you ever wish you could just read thier mind and see wtf was going on?

"Hahaha I will eat her chocolate to upset her" how do you have that thought and not immediately have it followed by "nah that would be stupid what am I thinking"?

I just seriously cant understand how someone can think like that and not just think "this is so childish" and keep it up?

He’s tight, sausage rolls were cheaper.

He couldn't remember what you all ordered, as some men get confused with more than one thing to remember, so easier to get all sausage rolls. I would just eat what I was given and not be bothered about the wrong things bought.

Who the fuck has the mental time and effort to do shit like this?

I know! That's what took me so long to realise. It simply never occurred to me that someone would behave that way. I don't even see that upsetting your partner is something to be happy about.
But there are some twisted shits out there.

It's the behaviour of a pathetic coward who can't act like an adult.

Sometimes it manifests in the form of you're studying to further your prospects, your partner is insecure and wants to bring you down a peg or two, mysteriously there always seems to be a crisis night before an exam or when an important paper is due. You later realise it was all deliberately manufactured by your partner.

Partner decides to do washing. Wrecks all your best clothes because they have a problem with your social life.

All can be spun to look like accidents/mistakes so you feel bad for being angry. That's why they choose such seemingly silly things to do - easier to pass off as "just forgot".

It can take a while to realise you are being actively sabotaged by your partner and it's very unsettling.

"Through intentional inefficiency, procrastination, allowing problems to escalate, and exacting hidden revenge, the passive aggressive individual gets others to act out their hidden anger for them. This ability to control someone else's emotional response makes the passive aggressive person feel powerful."

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201403/7-reasons-why-people-use-passive-aggressive-behavior%3famp

Thread worth checking out:

Passive Aggressive partners... www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2336081-Passive-Aggressive-partners#53262795

@StopChelping I absolutely agree with you there!

I know this behaviour, lived with it for over 30 years and it never gets any less confusing or less annoying. If you can't trust him not to lie over inconsequential things, how can you ever trust him to be honest over the big things? I hate liars, which is a bit of a bugger as I ended up being married to a compulsive liar.