How would you feel if your Dh did this?

[Autumnsunshineday]

So imagine whilst out you go to a sandwich shop with your dc and Dh. Dh agrees to go in and buy the food while you wait outside with the dc.

You ask Dh to get you a cheese sandwich, second option would be a chicken sandwich or any other type of sandwich. The dc choose a sandwich each too. Dh wants a sausage roll.

Instead of sandwiches your Dh comes out with a sausage roll each for everyone. You don't like sausage rolls, you never have. So you tell your Dh you don't like sausage rolls. He then tells you that the shop had no sandwiches, and you're just being fussy. You question the fact that a sandwich shop would have no sandwiches, at all, but your Dh insists they had no sandwiches at all, the shops useless, they've run out of sandwiches, he even asked them to make one but they wouldn't.

So you say you'll nip in yourself and get something else, your Dh then tries to stop you, berating you for not just eating the sausage roll.

When you go into the shop, they are actually fully stocked with every variety sandwiches. Turns out your Dh just couldn't be bothered to pick up the different sandwiches.

In defence of your dh, this is actually something my dh would do.

Infact, sorry, but we've just had a bit of a giggle at it-I read out the first bit and then asked dh where he thought this was going he knew!

It basically boils down to the fact that about 10 years I/we realised he's clearly on the autistic spectrum. Not diagnosed but what used to be called high functioning.

A situation like you've described there would be one of many for us but after 18 years together I now know how to avoid situations like that.

He would explain what happened to you and your dh (if it were myself and my dh) like this: he goes in to order but doesn't want to though he feels he has to/needs to as it's what other people do and therefore he should. However, talking to other people is quite hard especially when they are strangers, there are other people to contend with and there is a simple list to remember. While in the shop the list goes out the window as it's easier to ask for just one thing. There will be consequences which brings more stress. He doesn't want to be found out to have not done the simple thing that other people do but can't explain why he didn't. Tries to cover up and makes it worse and on it goes.

Incidentally the first time anything like this happened to us was in 2003 in a sandwich shop. My dh bought me a sandwich that I didn't ask for all because he felt unable to ask for white bread so I got brown and was then unable to tell the lady making it to stop putting mayo, lemon juice and pepper all over it. I just wanted plain crab stick salad on white. Not too difficult to ask for but apparently it was.

Having just read some of the responses, is what makes it harder for my dh (possibly yours too?) It's what other people think of his failings which makes the stress levels rise and the lies told bigger! And because of the aspergers the lie will be shit and it's just another stick to beat himself with and the cycle goes on. He's a really nice person though. I wouldn't be with him otherwise and I'm guessing that your dh isn't a complete wanker or you wouldn't be him either. But I'm making assumptions based on you posting about sausage rolls and sandwiches rather than ill treatment and affairs.

I’d have bought myself and DC the sandwiches, and then bought 20 sausage rolls and severed the selfish fucker that for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else until they had ran out.

What a dick

While in the shop the list goes out the window as it's easier to ask for just one thing.

That one thing could have been what the OP and her children wanted rather than just what he wanted though?

Plus, he went out again for cake (one thing) but still had an aversion to buying a cheese sandwich for some reason.

@linsey2581

Personally I think your a bit to blame for this. You said I want this sandwich but if they don’t have that then get me this one but if they don’t have that then just get me whatever. Guaranteed I’d he got you a sandwich you would have loaned that by wasn’t the right one or it was one you didn’t like so he got you a sausage roll instead which personally I would have preferred. Top tip for you next time go into the shop and get it yourself.

After several years of marriage and many meals eaten together he should know a few foods his wife likes already.

@cherish123

He does sound an idiot but you've learnt your lesson - next time: go in yourself. I always go in myself in these situations.

She shouldn't have to.

@MyHeadOverfloweth

OP, I'm having some help over on another thread organising a patio burial for my 'D'H

I'd be delighted to split the plot with you-I'm sure the two of them would be very happy together

😂 even better if her DH had always wanted a cremation.

@Singinginshower

he is rubbish at thinking/remembering

I would think that is his problem. I think people being so dismissive have no idea what it's like to have problems with executive function.

hhhhmm? Why lie though?

My ex has Aspergers. I had all the understanding in the world. Its was the lying to cover up (stupid) mistakes that finally broke me.

If I was dating someone that did that I wouldn't see them again. It's like minus points for effort. I notice how he got what he wanted though.

@Wearywithteens

What an ironic username Toomuchtrouble4me - these poor nervous types (men usually) who manage to get exactly what they want in those confusing centres of overwhelming sandwich choices (shops) but find it all too much to bother about anybody else...

THIS! Why are so many women defending what he did and babying men, it makes them worse! I have dyspraxia, I find it impossible to remember more than three things on any list in my head but I guarantee my priority would've been making sure I remembered the right food for my partner!

Some men are just selfish, lazy and entitled as the patriarchy has entitled them to be. Burns some old bras

Very annoying. A total disregard for what you want. He can deal with what you want by fobbing you off.

In his mind it's easier to fob you off than just listen to you.

That is what i would find ridiculous and intolerable.

Did he explain himself or explain why he outright lied to you op?

Sorry I missed your updates op x

@Heronwatcher

If you cook for him, I would cook nothing but sausage rolls for the next week and then ostentatiously lie about why- “The supermarket had run out of all other food” “A burglar broke into the house and stole everything else” “The government has decreed that nothing but sausage rolls can be eaten because of the coronavirus” If he so much as raises an eyebrow, “yes it’s annoying when people tell completely transparent lies isn’t it.”

This

What an absolute total complete and utter wanker.

Why didn't you go in and get what you and the kids wanted and then tell him to take his sausage rolls and fuck off.

All the women saying oooh cook him dinners he doesn't like for the next week. Assumption op does all the cooking is weird.

It's a total fuck you to op and the kids. Jesus.

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

Firstly reading the replies to this have been a joy.. thank you all! Except you Lindsey.

OP the lying is a problem. It just shows a weakness of character that's hard to deal with. All you can do is never never let it slide. And keep a close eye on him. He lies because it's the easy, frictionless option so make it the hard option. The one that causes such grief it's not worth it. Fingers crossed he realises that he's not getting himself off the hook, he's getting himself on the hook...

Great post.

Look at this incident (and the others you mention). You will likely notice that he comes out of every situation getting his way, while upsetting you and making you look unreasonable while he's the "nice one".

He could have picked up a cheese sandwich for you the second time he went out to make things right but no, he fancied some cake instead.

Make no mistake, anyone who keeps doing stuff like this is getting a pay-off from it. For some, it's getting out of doing their fair share of the chores. You just need to figure out what that pay-off is and it won't be worth his while anymore.

Take him at his word about the sandwich shop not having sandwiches. In this scenario, since you and the kids didn't get the lunch you ordered, I'd have taken them out for a lovely lunch somewhere special and left him alone at home. "C'mon kids - that stupid shop has no sandwiches let's find a great place to have lunch." Your DH won't need lunch as presumably he'd have eaten the 4 or 5 unwanted sausage rolls

In other words, make sure every time he tries to screw you over like this don't get upset so he can tell you you are making a stupid fuss, just remain calm (he can't press your buttons for his reward) and make sure you come out of the scenario with what you wanted or even better than what you wanted.

This may stop him in his tracks as he is so used to you behaving a certain way.

Your options are:

1. stay as you are though it's obviously grinding you down.
2. react differently and get HIM off balance. Also insist he gets help if he's willing to change.
3. bail out.

Sorry I have really banged on and on here on this thread. This subject is particularly dear to my heart as I know firsthand the damage it can do to your psyche. I really feel for you OP. 🌺

A quote:

The best way to make sure you never get something from a passive-aggressive is to ask for it.

@JamieLeeCurtains
Sadly I do not write the top tips for Viz I'm just an under paid and overworked NHS nurse as is my husband too. Also I've no idea where Westgate road is? I don't have a road called that in my city.

This is exactly the sort of thing my ex would have done. I think part of it was not listening when I spoke. Then a selfishness (didn’t actually care what I said)/couldn’t be arsed to think about what I liked.

Then a lie to protect himself, “rather then oops Sorry forgot”. I would also then got a rant about, “you don’t like anything, it’s so hard to buy for”. Then a sulk.

It’s exhausting and hence why he is an ex.

@netsybetsy

After several years of marriage and many meals eaten together he should know a few foods his wife likes already.

That maybe the case but my husband and I have been together for nearly 20 years and there are still things we are finding out about each others likes and dislikes.

[quote linsey2581]@netsybetsy

After several years of marriage and many meals eaten together he should know a few foods his wife likes already.

That maybe the case but my husband and I have been together for nearly 20 years and there are still things we are finding out about each others likes and dislikes.[/quote]
I get that - we can always discover new stuff about our partners and even our tastes can change. I know mine have because of medical reasons.

But I doubt the OP was looking forward to her first ever cheese sandwich. It's the most basic sandwich filling and she mentioned it just before he went in. He even had a second chance to put things right and blew that too.

My ex would do that. Wants what he wants doesn't give a toss what others want. Would tell stupid lies to cover it that were so transparent a toddler could see through it.

It's also setting up the future for himself because now you won't trust him to get stuff so you won't ask him to do it and he gets of ever doing stuff like that again!

Can't be arsed to listen?

Sounds like you are married to Homer Simpson!

I would be getting the sandwiches myself next time and getting him something he didn't ask for.....

I’d call him a lazy arsehole and go and get what me n my kids wanted. I’d also tell him where he could shove his sausage rolls too.

Sounds like when I was in hospital after having my little one, didn't like the dinner option for that night so asked hub to get a sandwich from the shop - you'd think ham, tuna, chicken! He came with two sandwiches both of which were sandwiches he's never seen me eat before and that I both detested - he ended up eating my dinner and sandwiches - selfish twat! We're now in the middle of getting divorced - happily on my part!