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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How would you feel if your Dh did this?

343 replies

Autumnsunshineday · 19/09/2020 15:31

So imagine whilst out you go to a sandwich shop with your dc and Dh. Dh agrees to go in and buy the food while you wait outside with the dc.

You ask Dh to get you a cheese sandwich, second option would be a chicken sandwich or any other type of sandwich. The dc choose a sandwich each too. Dh wants a sausage roll.

Instead of sandwiches your Dh comes out with a sausage roll each for everyone. You don't like sausage rolls, you never have. So you tell your Dh you don't like sausage rolls. He then tells you that the shop had no sandwiches, and you're just being fussy. You question the fact that a sandwich shop would have no sandwiches, at all, but your Dh insists they had no sandwiches at all, the shops useless, they've run out of sandwiches, he even asked them to make one but they wouldn't.

So you say you'll nip in yourself and get something else, your Dh then tries to stop you, berating you for not just eating the sausage roll.

When you go into the shop, they are actually fully stocked with every variety sandwiches. Turns out your Dh just couldn't be bothered to pick up the different sandwiches.

OP posts:
netsybetsy · 20/09/2020 09:34

Didn't expect such strong replies. Wasn't sure if I'd be told I was overreacting to be upset over a sandwich.

Because your DH has trained you to think that when he screws you over like this you'd be "overreacting" to stand up for yourself.

Asked why he just says he got flustered in the shop and went for the easy option and didn't think it mattered.

So he thinks you having the option or either eating something you don't like or going without "doesn't matter". That's nice of him Hmm

Can't/won't explain why he lied other than to cover up getting the wrong stuff.

He KNOWS why he lies. Doubt he wants to tell you he's deliberately winding you up and pissing you off. That would blow his cover!

We're not short of money but Dh can be a tight wad, so possible he quickly went for the cheap option.

Too cheap to buy his wife a sandwich?! The cheapest option would be getting the cheapest frozen own brand sausage rolls from the supermarket. Interesting that he didn't want to save money on those - only on YOUR sandwich...

He honestly isn't usually horrible, lazy or rubbish. Unless I'm just a terrible judge of character. He does his fair share of everything all round. He is rubbish at thinking/remembering.

You know him best, but from now on start looking closer at his behaviours and deconstructing some of the stuff you've probably got into the habit of glossing over.

The question is - is he rubbish at remembering stuff HE wants? Something tells me he isn't.

It's just the lying.

There is no "just" about lying and the corrosive effect it has on relationships.

Also, it's a terrible role model for kids. If they copy these behaviours they are going to have troubled relationships.

When I say lying it's say for example his parents asked to visit but we had already made plans to go to the cinema. He'd tell them we had plans to go to the trampoline park. He'd say it's just easier to say that. But it makes no sense, it's a completely pointless lie iyswim?

People tell lies to be in control of a situation - only they know the real truth and so everyone else is being manipulated by the liar. Even if you uncover the truth yourself (as you did by visiting the shop) you are left scratching your head, trying to figure him out, but too afraid to complain because it's only a sandwich. So basically your head is fucked while he goes gaily on with his day, destabilising more people with his bullshit.

Makes me feel that lying comes too easy.

How are you suppose to feel safe and cherished with a liar?

Do you really think if a test at a job interview involved him remembering four simple items he'd have messed that up?

netsybetsy · 20/09/2020 09:37

So you say you'll nip in yourself and get something else, your Dh then tries to stop you, berating you for not just eating the sausage roll.*

Even when you say you'll just get your own sandwich, he'd rather you went without so he will get away with his lies!!Shock

Livelovebehappy · 20/09/2020 09:46

netsybetsy wow! A lot of analysing there. Personally, I think it was just a ‘can’t be arsed’ moment on his part. He probably forgot all the sandwich choices he was given before going in and just took the easy option of buying the same for everyone. I’d be a bit miffed about it but certainly wouldn’t spend the day analysing why he did it tbh.

PinkPosyPetals · 20/09/2020 09:49

My husband would do this too.
Lazy and a bit mean.

PicsInRed · 20/09/2020 09:50

I would think he sounds controlling and wonder what else he is controlling about.

PinkPosyPetals · 20/09/2020 09:51

He can’t ever be bothered to get the right shopping if I ask him to get a few things.
Pure laziness.
Also probably designed to irritate as he’s that kind of a person

netsybetsy · 20/09/2020 09:53

@Livelovebehappy

netsybetsy wow! A lot of analysing there. Personally, I think it was just a ‘can’t be arsed’ moment on his part. He probably forgot all the sandwich choices he was given before going in and just took the easy option of buying the same for everyone. I’d be a bit miffed about it but certainly wouldn’t spend the day analysing why he did it tbh.
I get your point, but the OP says he lies all the time and this has sufficiently frustrated her to the point of making a thread about it. So she's not able to just shrug it off this time. Perhaps this is a "last straw" situation for her?

I bang on about passive-aggression a lot as a possibility to explore as I've been there but missed it for years. Mainly because I thought abuse had to be overt (my first husband was openly aggressive/violent). My next one was Mr Nice Guy but very PA which I didn't recognise until his behaviours had broken me down quite a bit.

netsybetsy · 20/09/2020 09:56

He wasn't too lazy to hassle the OP for buying her own sandwich though.

It's like those guys who do housework badly or "forget" so you'll end up doing it all.

MilkOfThePuppy · 20/09/2020 10:22

I think I'd spend some time telling him how bizarre it is that he dug his heels in and lied, and how abhorrent the lying is, in general. Tell him it worries you because it seems easy for him to lie, and it makes you wonder if he may lie about bigger things.

Unfortunately, if that's part of who he is, it won't change, most likely. Sounds like he lies to take the easy way out of situations. Many do, but he seems like an extreme case.

But yes, next time I'd preemptively take charge of situations where memory is important, and he can mind the children. Either that or send him with a physical list he can read. He should have thought of that himself, if he knows his memory is that poor.

zefstar76 · 20/09/2020 10:27

My dh said he probably got in the queue forgetting about the sandwich and couldn't be bothered to queue up again. Annoying, but not the end of the world!

giantangryrooster · 20/09/2020 10:42

he just says he got flustered in the shop and went for the easy option and didn't think it mattered.

But the easy option was his choise, not four sandwiches. It did matter to him then.

Someonesayroadtrip · 20/09/2020 10:50

The lying would be my biggest thing there, I can't stand dishonesty.

We are a family of 6 and we both hating trying to order for everyone. Or rather remember for everyone, It's often left up to me but he will do it and has and does frequently if I'm not around. So I do get it, I picked up ice cream in a shop and got a variety and it always causes problems lol. If I get the same it's also causes problems 😂 someone always complains. So I get feeling flustered but he only had to get glue at you requested and then sausage rolls for everyone else. It wasn't that complex surely?

The lying though, that's the thing and the fact he just brushes it off makes me wonder how easily lying comes to him.

MomToTwoBabas · 20/09/2020 11:19

Oh gosh. How selfish of him. Rang mine yday and asked him to drive 50 mins out of his way because I wanted him to go to a shop to see if they had a mirror I wanted. So glad they did!

Neolara · 20/09/2020 11:30

I'd think he was an arse. But I'd also wonder if he has working memory issues which makes it hard for him to keep verbal information in mind for short periods of time. If so, remembering a list of four different sandwiches might genuinely be difficult for him. Of course, there are ways around this such as writing the order down or suggesting you go in to order instead. And it doesn't excuse the lying, although maybe he feels embarrassed that he can't remember and lying is the easiest way to distract attention from what he might feel is a failing. Or of course, he might genuinely just not care remotely about your preferences.

user1471538283 · 20/09/2020 11:32

That is contempt and he wouldn't be my DH much longer!

billy1966 · 20/09/2020 11:40

He sounds like a selfish, gaslighting, liar.

He lies a lot.

He is not to be trusted.

I would have a good hard look at all the ways he lies.

People who lie regularly are psychologically flawed as far as I am concerned.

Huge personality flaw.

Not someone I would trust at all.

He puts himself first at all cost.

I think you need to wake up OP.
Flowers

netsybetsy · 20/09/2020 11:46

he even asked them to make one but they wouldn't

He really lays it on thick when he lies doesn't he?

Marmitecrackers · 20/09/2020 11:46

I would be very unimpressed,not least at the honking feeding a child a sausage roll as lunch was acceptable parenting.

Florencex · 20/09/2020 11:49

I was wondering why somebody made a comment about a man buying sausage rolls on the “women enters garage shop thread”. Now I know. 🙂

Needhelp101 · 20/09/2020 12:09

My ex-husband was like this. In fact, nearly the exact same thing happened to me.

He was lying about some much more serious things too.

Serial liars will never change.

GabriellaMontez · 20/09/2020 12:20

I'd feel really sad.
Because of the lack of care and the lies.
Because I'd never treat him like that.

This is how my ex was. I couldn't trust him. In lost respect. It ate away the trust between us.

GabsAlot · 20/09/2020 12:55

what does he do for work op-does he manage to remember things there

Ineedaduvetday · 20/09/2020 14:51

I'd think they had no respect for me. They couldn't even be arsed to pick out a sandwich, a task that is hardly taxing.

dressinggownorno · 20/09/2020 15:10

What a fucking knobhead OP!!! Angry

smurfette1818 · 20/09/2020 15:30

I don't think @netsybetsy is overanalysing. It is about looking behind the superficial, is it not?

Many here will disagree I am sure but I feel that it is rather dismissing by saying "it is just an sandwich", "he is just a bit lazy" is that not a form of surface thinking?

It is a small thing yes but it shows how little he cares about OP. Unless he only does this on small things but completely reliable and wonderful in major issues? (for example when OP is unwell or needs a support) For some reason I can't imagine this man who did not even appear to feel sorry for doing this (at least not until much later when he realized that OP was not going to drop it) would step up in events where his wife requires real support from him in more important areas?

OP if you broke your leg tomorrow, and he need to deal with house and children on his own for a month, do you think he would step up without a single complaint and properly look after everyone including you? only you know the honest answer.

But yes agreed OP you know him best. Although the only caution there is other people or even strangers often can assess the situation we are in a lot more accurately than we can because they are impartial. My friend (who is a divorce lawyer) once said that many wives did not really know their DHs' real personalities until they are about to divorce them, whilst her friends and relatives knew all along.

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