To think ex should bloody well bring them some lunch

[looseddaughter]

Ex was due to have the dc this weekend from yesterday - tomorrow teatime for the first time since the end of August. I woke at 7am to ds1 ringing me to say they will be dropped off after lunch as ex has a ob opening to look into. I said fine (what else could I say, and obviously I don't want ds feeling unwanted, because he's not!).

Then 10 minutes ago ds texted to say they will now be dropped off at 11. FFs, the constant meals drain the fucking life out of me and I just wanted a couple of days off from it. I have nothing in and was planning to go shopping this afternoon. I'm left feeling guilty about wishing my kids were away a bit longer and just so fed up. I'd love to text him and say fine but send them with some lunch! But I don't want him saying anything to the dc so I suppose I won't!

Kids are 11 & 13 so not babies but it's the meals, the constant chivvying them off screens and the noise (ds2 just got into K Pop ) that I just wanted a rest from. Also have heaps of marking to do and jobs around the house, which I can still do but will end up feeling guilty as they'll mainly end up on screens.

Pointless rant - I not BU though am I?

@EarringsandLipstick

Oh dear. You're not coming across well here at all OP.

I disagree @Barrowmanfan22 I think OP is coming across just fine.

And even if she weren't, so what? This isn't about her painting a pretty picture for us, FFS, it's her being justifiably angry & upset at her selfish, manipulative ex.

I think she's got a fair point personally , but asking for opinions and then kicking off calling all posters male apologists without reading the replies properly isn't great .

They arrived at his mum's to go on a holiday to Spain all packed up with summer clothes he never took them and when they asked about the holiday he told them they were materialistic

I could cry at this @middleeasternpromise, I really could. Thank goodness they have you x

God no you aren’t being at all unreasonable, I think unless you are or have been a single parent it’s difficult to understand how relentless it can be. It’s infuriating that your ex just changes plans without even bothering to check with you first or at least mitigates his behaviour by saying he will make sure lunch is sorted before he drops them back.
Unfortunately when you are committed to putting your kids first then this is the kind of thing you have to suck up, not a huge deal in itself but accumulatively these things add up and get you down.

Oh FFS people - the ex is an arse, the OP wants to offload about having to deal with the arse, sadly some people are also having to deal with an arse, the majority of us can see that he's an arse, the rest of you being snippy about food supplies and parenting and 'thinking of the children' blah blah blah are sounding like an arse.

@Leafbeans

Not at all but you have to do things differently if you are a single parent. Personally I'd rather be a single parent.

What are you on about? I have been a single parent, I know what's it's like, and what do you mean you would rather be one? You mean stop them seeing their father?

No, of course not. But now I'm a single parent and parenting is better this way for me and the children. Obviously being in a relationship that is good for adults and children is perhaps preferable but I've got no experience of this so it's the best way for us.

What a weird thread. The ex is clearly a nob. OP is in a position where she can't easily confront him because he is quite happy to make the kids feel like an unwanted nuisance. The kids have 2 parents and I am surprised to see people on here blaming OP who was expecting to have a day to herself today. The posters making sneery comments that the kids should be able to sort it out themselves are also unreasonable and make assumptions that everyone lives in a city where they can easily walk to a shop , I don't live in a particularly rural area and it's 2 miles to a garage which is the nearest place to get food. A 13 and 11 year old are still kids and their Dad was supposed to be responsible for them today., he's the only one at fault.

@BunnyLovesBananas

I can see both sides. I think there's nothing wrong with you telling him you don't have anything in for lunch so can he feed them.

But it is strange that you have nothing in the house at all - we almost always have bread, pasta, potato, cheese and some tinned stuff like tuna or baked beans...

The op already said she has that, just a few posts up. Nothing to shove into a sandwich though.

I feel for you OP. My friend has an ex like this, always late to.pick them up, sometimes comes the next day or brings them home early because 'reasons' always assuming that my friend will be there to pick up the slack. Luckily the DC will realise eventually & realise their mum was always the reliable one.

Op god I feel your pain. I have a very similar ex. He does this kind of thing all the time. And always last minute which wouldn't be so much of a pain if he would do the same but there is absolutely no way he would. He has no consideration for my time. But as you say you don't want to make it weird for the children so they get away with it.
My ex doesn't pay any maintenance then moans if I send something he seems to be old or too small. Holidays I send a suitcase full and only half comes back (unwashed!). The only way I deal with it is to expect it. Getting angry just makes him smirk and he can't have an honest conversation about anything. No real advice just solidarity - I hear you!!

@middleeasternpromise

Your post is heartbreaking and uplifting all in one. Like many single parents I've lived a lot of what you describe.

OP, I hear you - it's not about lunch, it's about your ex just dropping the kids on you as and when he feels like it. The number of single mums I know who've had their free weekends ruined because ex has a cold/ better option/ date and can't have the kids makes my blood boil.

Oh FFS people - the ex is an arse, the OP wants to offload about having to deal with the arse, sadly some people are also having to deal with an arse, the majority of us can see that he's an arse, the rest of you being snippy about food supplies and parenting and 'thinking of the children' blah blah blah are sounding like an arse.

So true. Those being snippy about food supplies sound like similar people to this ex, always blaming someone else and always the wrong person.

asking for opinions and then kicking off calling all posters male apologists without reading the replies properly isn't great

That was an early reply which she actually apologised for.

It was after that that the mental, dickhead excusing posts started.

Ahhh op I totally get you, I'm a single mum too.

My ex was due to pick the kids up from school yesterday and have them until tomorrow, 3pm he texts to say he can't get them as he's still at work (good job I was home 🤨) He then said he would pick them up after he had done his food shopping, I text him saying "well can't you take them with you because you know. I have to?" He sent a snotty reply saying "FINE!" And picked them up at 4:30pm. He'll text me tomorrow saying he's got to drop them home for 3pm because he's got stuff to do, and that's when I'll be telling him I've got plans and won't be home until 6pm!

I don't get these guys they have their kids 4 days out of a whole month and yet can't even organise their shit. Really boils my piss.

I'd text your ex and tell him you have plans and won't be home. It's not fair on you.

The PP who referred to us as being 'the default parent' had it spot on. We're just expected to be there, permanently on duty, whilst they bugger off to see their friends, go on holiday, turn up late (if at all). I had to cancel a hospital appt recently because ExP just didn't show up for the night he should have had the kids. I'd carefully planned a nice evening in for what would have been my only night alone - and he just never showed up, because 'oh didn't I tell you?'

It's not having the kids 95% of the time that I mind, it's the fact that he's always free to choose to do what he wants to do, and it's always at my inconvenience.

The PP who referred to us as being 'the default parent' had it spot on. We're just expected to be there, permanently on duty, whilst they bugger off to see their friends, go on holiday, turn up late (if at all).

This is so true. 😕

It's not having the kids 95% of the time that I mind, it's the fact that he's always free to choose to do what he wants to do, and it's always at my inconvenience.

And this! Yes!

@EarringsandLipstick, YES.

Well he’s been a bit of a pain but I can’t believe you have absolutely nothing in the cupboards for lunch. Baked beans on toast, toasted sandwiches, tuna pasta bake, surely you have some tinned goods??

@SuzieQQQ

Well he’s been a bit of a pain but I can’t believe you have absolutely nothing in the cupboards for lunch. Baked beans on toast, toasted sandwiches, tuna pasta bake, surely you have some tinned goods??

Fgs it’s not that long a thread!

Op, you’re ex is a twat. I love how posters totally ignore that this is a father who has barely seen their children in months, who then prioritised a meet up with a mate over spending time with their kids .

OP, is there for their children, she puts a roof over their heads, she feeds them, she clothes them, she’s there for them emotionally ALL THE TIME.

She’s not pissed off about taking care of their children, she doesn’t resent their children. She isn’t purposefully not shopping to starve her children.

She’s pissed off and heart broken that their other parent DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK about those kids. Yet people are criticising her? The situation is horribly unfair, she’s allowed to say she’s fed up.

If OP and her ex were still together and she’d written a thread saying she did all the cooking and cleaning people on here would say her husband was shit and needed to do more, but because they’re separated ExH should do as he pleases and OP should suck it up? If OP had written that she hadn’t seen the kids much, should be having them for the weekend but fancied dropping them off with their dad early so she could go out, she would be crucified.

What the fuck is wrong with the people and their snide comments about OP not having food in (she was going shopping later that day) and being mystified as why she wanted support????

Oh FFS people - the ex is an arse, the OP wants to offload about having to deal with the arse, sadly some people are also having to deal with an arse, the majority of us can see that he's an arse, the rest of you being snippy about food supplies and parenting and 'thinking of the children' blah blah blah are sounding like an arse

Brilliantly put.

I know I'm too late now aa I've only just seen this, but next time he changes drop off at last minute (and he will) just reply back to the ex, sorry, I've already made plans and won't be home until 10 mins before original drop off time. I've been there, and still there now, 5 years after we split!

Sounds infruriating, think all the helpful people who have commented with meal suggestions have missed the point a bit - the kids were due to be with him until tea time therefore the mental load and tediousness of meals etc ought to be (temporarily!) off loaded. Only it isn't because the XH can change the plan and swan off without a second thought about food etc (wonder why it's 11am and not 1pm ). Clearly if he was usually a great parent and had asked this as a favour it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world but totally sounds like XH is always happy for op to pick up (his) slack!

Only on mumsnet could a woman post about an ex husband who picks up and drops his kids on a whim, who has to be taken to court over his maintenance, who makes the kids feel unwanted and uses them as go-between, and doesn’t stick to agreed custody arrangements, and SHE, the mother, be accused of being a bad parent, not having sufficient food in, being inflexible and not communicating properly.

So much for the sisterhood.

I despair.

OP you have the forbearance of a saint, both regarding your utter drop-kick of an ex, and some of the remarks on here.

Yes irritating
If I was in your shoes I'd
1.make more 'easy meals'
2.when dh picks them up next time make a point of saying you're just off out shopping in case the kids come back early.

1. Get some easy meal (long life) stuff for emergencies