To think ex should bloody well bring them some lunch

[looseddaughter]

Ex was due to have the dc this weekend from yesterday - tomorrow teatime for the first time since the end of August. I woke at 7am to ds1 ringing me to say they will be dropped off after lunch as ex has a ob opening to look into. I said fine (what else could I say, and obviously I don't want ds feeling unwanted, because he's not!).

Then 10 minutes ago ds texted to say they will now be dropped off at 11. FFs, the constant meals drain the fucking life out of me and I just wanted a couple of days off from it. I have nothing in and was planning to go shopping this afternoon. I'm left feeling guilty about wishing my kids were away a bit longer and just so fed up. I'd love to text him and say fine but send them with some lunch! But I don't want him saying anything to the dc so I suppose I won't!

Kids are 11 & 13 so not babies but it's the meals, the constant chivvying them off screens and the noise (ds2 just got into K Pop ) that I just wanted a rest from. Also have heaps of marking to do and jobs around the house, which I can still do but will end up feeling guilty as they'll mainly end up on screens.

Pointless rant - I not BU though am I?

Some of these comments are jaw-dropping. Being contrary is such a sport on MN. Faux concern and shock; so many goady fuckers looking to put you down.

I get you OP. Course YANBU. Vent away.

Send them to the super market with a list then ask them to make lunches. Simple

Turn off your phone

@HelpOrHindrance

Turn off your phone

Seriously? What if there was an accident or emergency to do with the kid? What if she wants to use her phone? What if she wants to message mates? What if she wants to lie in a bath of baked beans and take selfies?

Why should she have to alter her behaviour.

The absolute desperation of people on here to victim blame is remarkable!

So my ex had the kids this weekend. Our agreement (practically court room door, when he realised he wasn’t getting 50:50) is that weekends are Friday night through to Monday morning, the parent whose weekend it is takes ds (used to be both) to school.

Except that he almost never, like a vanishingly small number of times in 2 years, takes them. He almost always brings them back on Sunday night, and like the OP I feel I shouldn’t say no to the kids, who tend to want to come back.

He kicked off massively today because I asked him, if he was going to do this, to bring a set of uniform back for ds (Dd manages her own). Because obviously if he keeps taking him home on Friday in uniform, and dropped him at home in own clothes (usually bought by me anyway - he had no top on today!) eventually all the uniform will end up at ex’s. And - get this - he’s never bought any of the uniform!

He just will not get this and started asking stupid questions about how much I have (not relevant).

And I found out today his fiancée is pregnant. Poor woman.

@Jeeperscreepers69

Send them to the super market with a list then ask them to make lunches. Simple

I grew up over 17 miles from the nearest shop. Why give advice like an obnoxious sage if you have zero idea of the OP's circumstances?

Sounds difficult you have my sympathy. I had a rubbish ex like this and honestly it is easier now he doesn't see DS and I have to do everything myself as I don't feel so resentful.

I am amazed how people just assume you have a shop close by when loads of people don't and say that you should have refused to have them back early or gone out when you have explained that he would drop them off anyway and that they have a key to get in.

I don't blame you for wanting a break but also understand completely that you don't want your kids to see that. In your circumstances OP I would probably have gone shopping early in the morning and then been even more pissed off if they were late back after all!

My 13 yo lives with me full time. He has been seeing his dad here every week or two since March. They have been out 2 maybe 3 times for a couple of hours. That said, DS is no bother and I love having him here. I haven't wanted to go out since lockdown so I haven't been disappointed. My ex has rarely had DS overnight. I think the last time was summer 2019. I don't give it much thought. It is just how it is.

Since March or perhaps once the initial novelty had worn off it does feel like a lot of the day is spent planning or preparing meals/food. This has lessened since the return to school, although DS is now taking a packed lunch which is something I have managed to avoid until now! Having a regular online food shop has helped no end. I do the order in advance and amend the night before. It takes a lot of the effort out of it for me.

Hope you enjoyed your McDs btw :)

I haven’t read all of this thread because the snarkiness directed towards OP is too depressing for me to handle on a Sunday night.

Just have a plan for next time - tell him you’ve gone out of town for the day and can’t possibly be back before arranged time.

OP has already said he'll drop them off anyway as they are old enough to be left.

I have read most of your posts and hardly any of the others.

I know where you are coming from.

My ex is equally as useless and wants everything on his terms. He will either not feed the kids lunch or feed them on the way to drop off at 4pm.

Sometimes I need a break - shock, horror!
Sometimes the kids need a break from me lol.

But more importantly...

My kids need to see their Dad and spend time with him.

Yesterday I spent my last £20 getting food for us. Food is expensive and I am greatful when they stay with Dad for a weekend - some weekends I eat just toast to help make ends meet.

You are fully entitled to say what you’ve said and feel the way you feel.

Nobody knows you or your life but everyone feels they have the right to judge. They will never know what it’s like to be you and deal with your ex.

*Why give advice like an obnoxious sage if you have zero idea of the OP's circumstances?8

I love the phrase ' obnoxious sage'. I am so going to use that!

Lone parent here, been on my own with my 2 kids 24/7 since March until they went back to school. So I get wanting so you time! I truely loved having the kids home all the time but after months I was ready to reclaim the house and lay down for a bit.

Friend had the kids to play to keep her own out of her hair just before school started just long enough for me to sort out everything for the first day back. Then I get snotty comments about when do I take her kid so she gets a break!! (2 parent house, both working from home, 1 kid who's been with childminder since the first day they were allowed back.) won't lie I was pissed off - my first break in 6 months.

Exs suck, they never plan ahead, always send messages through kids when you tell them a million times not to, either don't feed them or given them absolute crap, drop them off with zero notice and expect you to be there as if you are glued the damn House... And expect you to give ample notice, pack good food, be on time... Honestly I give the kids some cash and tell them to pop to the shop grab a sandwich snack and a drink and not worry too much. They will love the independence and you don't have to faff.

The op has already said they don't live near a shop that the kids can pop to!! Several times. That really isn't the issue.

@HugeAckmansWife

The op has already said they don't live near a shop that the kids can pop to!! Several times. That really isn't the issue.

As a single parent, location so key.

Hence me living close to town centre, close to shops and close to public transport.

&The op has already said they don't live near a shop that the kids can pop to!! Several times. That really isn't the issue.*

As a single parent, location so key. Hence me living close to town centre, close to shops and close to public transport. unless your very, very thick you must realise many single parents don't have a choice in the matter. Of course sincerest apologies if you are in fact too thick to contemplate the above

Yep too thick

As a single parent, location so key.

There are so many factors that affect where someone can and can't live that I can't even begin to list them all. This comment is utterly stupid.

"Friend had the kids to play to keep her own out of her hair just before school started just long enough for me to sort out everything for the first day back. Then I get snotty comments about when do I take her kid so she gets a break!! (2 parent house, both working from home, 1 kid who's been with childminder since the first day they were allowed back.) won't lie I was pissed off - my first break in 6 months."

but you surely cannot expect yr friend to effectively be a childminder to your children it you do not offer to reciprocate the favour.
she is not responsible for your circumstances or the inadequacy of their other parent.

OP, you have my full sympathy. I am also astonished at some of the unnecessary, bitter, insensitive comments but I would assume a lot is to do with their own situation that they are projecting or retaliating their own frustrations onto you. MN is a place to support women, by all means have your opinion but show some empathy with your words previous posters! It's not about knocking OP down because your situation is "worse", it's clear her ex is a mega dick.

OP, It is unreasonable for your ex to not fulfill his responsibilities and keep to the times. You do deserve a break (despite pp telling you to accept and lump it because you choose to be a mother.... and what? Dad just gets optional in and out when it suits him?! No.)

No way does your son deserve to be made messenger boy handling the back and forth because your ex is too embarrassed or wimpy to call you.

It sounds like this behaviour has gone on for too long though. I think your kids probably pick up on his uselessness too by now so perhaps it's time to call him out in front of them when he does do this? Example, when your son messaged could you have called back and asked to be on speaker with all listening but directing to ex saying you don't have any food at home yet as plan was to do this later based on timings you agreed. It's great he has a job opportunity (can't wait for the CM to come in now), what's happening exactly today that you need to drop kids off right now? Oh you're meeting a friend to talk about a job that may be coming up? As its not an interview, is it possible to do this on the phone, also safer due to covid restrictions don't you think? And that way you can do a nice lunch with the kids which I'm sure you'd prefer more? Etc etc"

I mean obviously it's just an example before others jump on every word like I'm suggesting you say it like this! In a way, it may be good for your kids to see you don't accept this behaviour from your ex and they shouldn't either.

I just think you deserve better and need to find a way to break the cycle of being constantly disrespected by him who seems to do whatever is convenient for him and you are left picking up on his slack.

So fucking annoying when men do that, and if your ex has form for pissing you about like this you need to have a word (when the kids are safely home so’s he can’t take anything out on them). As for lunch today can’t you just do your shopping now instead of later?