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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think ex should bloody well bring them some lunch

247 replies

looseddaughter · 19/09/2020 10:46

Ex was due to have the dc this weekend from yesterday - tomorrow teatime for the first time since the end of August. I woke at 7am to ds1 ringing me to say they will be dropped off after lunch as ex has a ob opening to look into. I said fine (what else could I say, and obviously I don't want ds feeling unwanted, because he's not!).

Then 10 minutes ago ds texted to say they will now be dropped off at 11. FFs, the constant meals drain the fucking life out of me and I just wanted a couple of days off from it. I have nothing in and was planning to go shopping this afternoon. I'm left feeling guilty about wishing my kids were away a bit longer and just so fed up. I'd love to text him and say fine but send them with some lunch! But I don't want him saying anything to the dc so I suppose I won't!

Kids are 11 & 13 so not babies but it's the meals, the constant chivvying them off screens and the noise (ds2 just got into K Pop Sad) that I just wanted a rest from. Also have heaps of marking to do and jobs around the house, which I can still do but will end up feeling guilty as they'll mainly end up on screens.

Pointless rant - I not BU though am I?

OP posts:
Littleposh · 19/09/2020 13:52

I had the same yesterday, suddenly last minute he's getting dd an hour later so can I give her tea. I said no, I've nothing in and I have plans, both of which were true

TheDuchessofMalfy · 19/09/2020 13:52

It’s also the general wanting to know what is going to be happening! It’s also really bad for kids, even teens, to have constant changes of plan. People need predictability- look at all the mental health problems caused by Coronavirus.

I find it easier when I have the kids all the time than when ex is supposed to have them but keeps chopping and changing/ turning up at the door etc. It means you can never relax fully.

emptyshelvesagain · 19/09/2020 13:54

FFs, if they're old enough to sort it why isn't he old enough?

Presumably he thinks you have food in your house. It probably hadn't occurred that you don't.

dottiedodah · 19/09/2020 13:57

Imagine if a Mother were to do this! She would have no end of stick! Men like this who seem incapable of looking after their own DC on a W/E pre booked is just idiotic .He is putting himself and his needs above everyone else (Obv why hes an ex)! Maybe ask him for some sandwiches or soup and book "plans " of your own next time!

earthyfire · 19/09/2020 14:14

Feel sorry for the kids - both of you seem put out by having to provide lunch for your children.

HugeAckmansWife · 19/09/2020 14:19

earthy DON'T do that! My ex does that. He does fuck all, sees them sporadically and wants a fucking medal for what he does do. Then if I ever raise my head and suggest its a bit unfair I get told I'm a terrible mother who resents her kids. The OP is perfectly within her rights to be fucked off that her time has been claimed by the ex because he just assumes she is the default parent. It's not that she minds the kids needing lunch, but the brass neck of the ex just dumping it all on her, again.

TheDuchessofMalfy · 19/09/2020 14:23

HugeAckmansWife - exactly.

Earthyfire - the OP does not need guilt tripping. She shouldn’t have to be the default parent at all times. There can be times when a woman is not responsible for all meals, especially if her ex is keeping his maintenance down by making sure he has them “on paper” for those mealtimes.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 19/09/2020 14:26

Fucking hell, there are some nasty bastards commenting on this. OP you are DNBU. My ex pulls this sort of stunt all the bloody time, and it just wears you down. I can't argue with him when he doesn't pick the kids up, or brings them back late, because he will always present it to them as 'Mum said she doesn't want you today.'

The reality is that I plan my entire life around the DC, so make arrangements for the days I think I'm going to have free. When I find out at literally the last minute that I'm going to have to cancel something, or cook dinner, or go shopping when I thought I had time to call my own... it's just so exhausting. And if you care about your DC - as you so obviously do - you can't let that frustration show to them. So he fucks you over doubly.

For the smug bastards commenting about the OP - it's not about her lack of immediate food, or deciding to go to McDs for a treat, etc. It's about not having someone show any consideration for you. That's a lot worse.

Flowers for you OP. Just been through something similar myself a few days ago. It's shit. Enjoy your treat, and go easy on yourself for the rest of the weekend.

stonesandbark · 19/09/2020 14:32

I totally hear you OP.

I know exactly what it is like to be the one who does all the work and puts in all the effort. It's fucking shit when there is no-one to say 'good job'. Its' fucking shit to have a co-parent who just sails in as they want and out again as they want leaving you to pick up pieces and do all the slog.

YANBU to feel aggrieved and resentful. YANBU to say its unfair as it is bloody unfair and exhausting.

Sometimes what you want is people to just attune to how you are feeling and say, 'God he is such a fucking wanker! Fucking useful entitled tosser.'

So I'll say it - he is useful fucking entitled wanker tosser. And you are doing a great job OP in looking after your kids emotional and practical wellbeing, which is not easy task when you are up against such as arsehole.

Flowers Cake Brew Wine

stonesandbark · 19/09/2020 14:36

God, just read some of the posts - there really are some thick empathy free idiots on this thread with serious comprehension skills deficits.

stonesandbark · 19/09/2020 14:37

he is useful fucking entitled wanker tosser

God, that should have said useLESS!

Arrivederla · 19/09/2020 14:44

@stonesandbark

God, just read some of the posts - there really are some thick empathy free idiots on this thread with serious comprehension skills deficits.
Exactly this. Ignore them op.
BunnyLovesBananas · 19/09/2020 14:44

I can see both sides. I think there's nothing wrong with you telling him you don't have anything in for lunch so can he feed them.

But it is strange that you have nothing in the house at all - we almost always have bread, pasta, potato, cheese and some tinned stuff like tuna or baked beans...

BunnyLovesBananas · 19/09/2020 14:46

I can understand you were looking for add to the break though and it YABU for hoping (and expecting) ex to sort it.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 19/09/2020 14:50

And people going on about 'how curious you don't have food in the house at all.' THAT'S NOT THE POINT. She DOES have food in. It's his behaviour, not the food, that is the point - and she's already said 'There are crackers and cereal bars and meat in the freezer, as well as dried pasta, lentils etc and tins of toms and pulses. Just nothing filling and fresh to shove in a sarnie.'

Original poster
looseddaughter · 19/09/2020 14:57

Thanks, stones, that made me laugh, as did the bird shit comment!

Actually though, I've realised that he's not at an interview today but is going to his hometown (an hour away) where a friend is going to talk to him about the job and help him prepare. No need for that to take essentially all weekend, so he's missed 2 days with his kids to have an hour's convo with a mate. Bet he just wants to go out tonight. He basically got a better offer Sad.

OP posts:
middleeasternpromise · 19/09/2020 15:02

The challenge with these type of parents is that they position you to always pick up after them. If you hold a boundary he puts it on to the kids that you don't want them. If you share your frustration the children feel like a burden or are hurt that they can't be hopeful about their other parent actually caring for them. It is a painful path to walk. I lived the endlessly disrupted weekend plans. Children brought back crying and hungry at 7am because he wants to go to football. Children left at childminders because he was busy and still expected to get them from me later. They arrived at his mum's to go on a holiday to Spain all packed up with summer clothes he never took them and when they asked about the holiday he told them they were materialistic. Years and years of it till he finally moved abroad and we only had to put up with his crap twice a year when he came back. Although I have to say he never failed to disappoint - there was the Christmas he never arrived and just sent a text to say he wasn't coming. Others were he made them pay their own bus fares out of the pocket money I gave them - oh how I could go on. The point was they desperately wanted to believe it would be different and much as I wanted to tell them he was a waste of space they couldn't totally give up hope while the false promises were coming. Utterly heart breaking. Now they are young adults they've found their way with it. They know he's utterly selfish and very economical with the truth. They have figured out ways to deal with him and are adept at parking his guilt trips when he tries them. They are very aware who did what and know I will always support them - that's what I've done for the last 14 years.

It's been really hard work and not the life I would have wanted for myself but I picked the fool so no one to blame but me. I love the relationship I have with my children though and in a way he created that by being a regular flake. It's your children's well being you are working to protect but I do know how enraging it is when you're in it. Good luck op - it won't be forever 💐

EarringsandLipstick · 19/09/2020 15:40

@littlemsattitude

Why have you got nothing in? You've got children, you should always have something in as you never know when one of you will be ill or suddenly self isolating.

Also a single parent.

Unbelievable! This is one of the most ridiculous posts here - though there are many!

OP, you're a mum - single one at that so you MUST have food in the house at all times.

Love the blaming that's going on here - ofc it's normal to have empty presses & fridge before you do your usual shop.

Leafbeans · 19/09/2020 15:45

If you are a single parent, especially right now, you should always have something in to feed your children. Being mother Hubbard is not good parenting

I highly doubt the OP has literally nothing in, not a morsel. Not wanting to spend any time with your children or being bothered to give them lunch is fucking awful parenting, but again, it's all OPs fault. Gross.

EarringsandLipstick · 19/09/2020 15:46

@looseddaughter

YANBU & I hear you - I've a similar ex.

It's not even the physical, practical issue of providing food. It's the emotional burden of having to do every.bloody.thing. Remember every meal, think ahead ... and you just wanted a break.

Sorry 💐 it's exhausting.

(And try to ignore some of the idiot posters. Earthy's stupid one is sticking out right now 🙄)

Barrowmanfan22 · 19/09/2020 15:46

@looseddaughter

I've had them more like 3-4 weeks, tomboy.

Ok, I'm obviously pathetic. I thought MN was a supportive place for mothers (certainly used t be) but I see all the male apologists are here this morning.

Oh dear. You're not coming across well here at all OP.
EarringsandLipstick · 19/09/2020 15:47

Oh dear. You're not coming across well here at all OP.

I disagree @Barrowmanfan22 I think OP is coming across just fine.

And even if she weren't, so what? This isn't about her painting a pretty picture for us, FFS, it's her being justifiably angry & upset at her selfish, manipulative ex.

littlemsattitude · 19/09/2020 15:49

@Leafbeans

If you are a single parent, especially right now, you should always have something in to feed your children. Being mother Hubbard is not good parenting

I highly doubt the OP has literally nothing in, not a morsel. Not wanting to spend any time with your children or being bothered to give them lunch is fucking awful parenting, but again, it's all OPs fault. Gross.

Not at all but you have to do things differently if you are a single parent. Personally I'd rather be a single parent.
TheDuchessofMalfy · 19/09/2020 15:52

I agree the OP is coming across very well. Her ex however is coming across as a twat.

Stuff from the “Brexit cupboard” (or equivalent) is hardly a quick and easy lunch for hungry teens who are dumped on you are no notice!

Leafbeans · 19/09/2020 15:53

Not at all but you have to do things differently if you are a single parent. Personally I'd rather be a single parent.

What are you on about? I have been a single parent, I know what's it's like, and what do you mean you would rather be one? You mean stop them seeing their father?