To think ex should bloody well bring them some lunch

[looseddaughter]

Ex was due to have the dc this weekend from yesterday - tomorrow teatime for the first time since the end of August. I woke at 7am to ds1 ringing me to say they will be dropped off after lunch as ex has a ob opening to look into. I said fine (what else could I say, and obviously I don't want ds feeling unwanted, because he's not!).

Then 10 minutes ago ds texted to say they will now be dropped off at 11. FFs, the constant meals drain the fucking life out of me and I just wanted a couple of days off from it. I have nothing in and was planning to go shopping this afternoon. I'm left feeling guilty about wishing my kids were away a bit longer and just so fed up. I'd love to text him and say fine but send them with some lunch! But I don't want him saying anything to the dc so I suppose I won't!

Kids are 11 & 13 so not babies but it's the meals, the constant chivvying them off screens and the noise (ds2 just got into K Pop ) that I just wanted a rest from. Also have heaps of marking to do and jobs around the house, which I can still do but will end up feeling guilty as they'll mainly end up on screens.

Pointless rant - I not BU though am I?

Pumper My crappy personality?? Wow.

Cantthinkofausername I've had the dc since something like the 23/8. I work full-time and need to bring work home. Ex doesn't work much (some from home and he's just been on holiday - gets cheap flights and stays with friends abroad). I'm pissed off. If a mother hadn't had her kids for 4 weeks, would you think the father was UR for being a bit pissed off? I also had them the vast majority of the time March-Aug (he didn't see them at all until Juneish and then had them one night per week.

People have asked about CM - we've been apart 6 years and in the last 2 months I've received my first payments (£150 per month)He had to be taken to court and threatened with removal driving license/passport to get that out of him...

Thank you to all who've understood I wanted a moan - some lovely supportive comments that have made me feel better. We're off to MDs in a min - ds2 has to get changed first as he's in his school uniform as ex has no clothes for him there. He lives opposite a fucking supermarket .

So much of the advice on here is how the OP can fix the problem.
She shouldn't have to be fixing it.

No she shouldn’t, but if she doesn’t her children won’t eat. So she has to. That doesn’t not for one second mean anyone thinks her ex shouldn’t have to- it’s just that we know he won’t. Many of us have lived this. My children haven’t been fed by their father for 3.5 years.

@C8H10N4O2

Yes the ex should be the one doing it, but if he refuses what can you do? It's not then unreasonable to ask an 11 & 13yr old to make their own sandwich

It is however still not about the kids getting their own lunch, a subject on which the OP is better qualified to have considered than any of us. Nor is it about the million other excuses and workarounds provided for useless fathers.

The issue is a shitty father treating parenting his own children as an optional leisure activity.

Yeah... It is. And again, no one is saying otherwise.

However, if OP is saying she's sick of doing X, you can expect people to say 'well why don't you try Y, it might be easier' or if she says in her OP she doesn't think she can Z to her ex, you can expect people to say 'well actually you can and you're not unreasonable to do so'.

I really don't see what the problem is. People are saying the ex is a shit whilst also trying to offer suggestions to help the situation / OP to feel more confident in speaking to her ex. That's literally what 99.9% of MN threads are, people making suggestions or giving advice on a situation based on what they'd do.

Agreeing with the OP that he's unreasonable and offering practical advice to help with the here and now don't have to be separate things. And it doesn't make you a male apologist for goodness sake.

@looseddaughter I have an ex h like this. It's infuriating and upsets DD who is 11 to be used as a messenger and annoys me because he places no value on my time. His is always more important.
He's constantly changing Times and days etc without saying anything to me or checking beforehand that I'm around or it's convenient.
I pick him up on it every single time but he never changes

I completely understand the OP not wanting to say anything. As I've said having a similarly useless ex I know it will just cause more frustration to do so. It's nothing to do with Male entitlement but accepting you can't change them and protecting yourself and dc as best you can. Sometimes it's simply not worth it. Lots of people, as evidenced on here, do far too much for their older dc to the detriment of their own mental health and happiness. If the shop is too far to walk and OP has work to do then the boys cycling to pick up some groceries could solve both the lack of food and the OP's guilt over screen time while she gets work done. She has however decided on McDonald's which is another good idea and could pick up some bits while out so the boys can make themselves something to eat theirs evening giving her the afternoon. As a pp said at least these boys will grow up knowing their mum was always there! Mine are much younger so I have far more years of this still to deal with.

ds2 has to get changed first as he's in his school uniform as ex has no clothes for him there. He lives opposite a fucking supermarket angry

One of my friends exes is like this. One of the young DC had an accident poo in his pants whilst staying with him and he actually sent the DC back to my friends with shitty pants in a bag rather than just washing them himself. It's crazy.

I'm not in your position op but your ex sounds like a twat. I would make myself unavailable- so when your dc texted say- I won't be at home, tell your dad to call me so that we can make arrangements. Then Take yourself out next time for a coffee or nice lunch.

Yes I get it, its draining to be constantly making food. Yes of course you should have a few days respite, while their father has them. It's super annoying that he dumps them back early, avoiding feeding them. Get them plenty of bread, fruit, ham/nutella/jam/peanut butter and crisps. Explain that from now on when its lunch time, they (use those ingredients to) make themselves a sandwich and wash up their plates.

Also as an aside I wish my ex would bring the dc home. He wants his 4 days a month to keep the father of the year title to friend and family but goes to work on all of those days and leaves the dc with his girlfriend who in turn goes out to get her hair done and leaves dc alone. My youngest is 7! He does feed them but they rave about the jelly he makes that he adds sugar to and just a splash of water. That's the sort of things they eat (then aren't made to brush their teeth before bed)

OP it’s fine to have a moan and be fed up .... but ultimately YOU have to change your situation. YOU have to sort out your ex. All you’re achieving now is him getting his own way and making yourself miserable in the process. It might sound harsh but you have to take charge and change things. Otherwise you’ll be like this forever. A bit of hard work now will benefit you all massively in the long run.

Your ex is a knob, but you know that already as do your kids no doubt.
Enjoy McDonald's and then do your shopping this afternoon. You are playing the long game here. When they are grown up they will know you did everything and he is useless.

I feel sad for the kids because I know how shit it feels when mum feels 'entitled' to time without you and dad cba.

Can they walk to a shop - send them to buy ingredients for lunch, and longer term teach them to cook. Sam Stern wrote a cookbook aimed at teens, mine have been cooking since 12 using it.

Yes he’s a dick.

What I don’t understand is even if he has to leave the house for a few hours, your kids can just as easily stay home alone at his as they can at yours?

Just tell him to stick to the plan.

I think it is a mixture of things not just one. Sometimes it is lovely to have the house to yourself isn't it. I'm not sure why, my husband amuses himself and I'm sitting in the lounge all alone but somehow having the house to yourself is different.

Then there is the food, next month I will have been married for 50 years, DH has been disabled for 30 years so can't cook, shop, wash up not that he did it much before anyway. Some days I feel I will have an absolute screaming fit if I have to even think about cooking another meal. Particularly annoying if I don't really want much, so yesterday as an example I cooked him a meal and I had a banana. There is no way he'd be happy with a banana for a meal and to be fair he is a big bloke and he also can't really take his pain killers on an empty stomach so I get it, I understand but I can't stand it. McDs it is some days, I mindlessly sit at the drive through and then mindlessly eat it and I don't even like it but the mindless bit is lovely.

Of course being annoyed with the ex is a whole new dimension to it.

So I sympathise, I get it and I know that you and I will carry on doing it regardless because really and truly we are totally amazing.

Good luck.

Is your ex my ex?

I feel your pain OP!

He’s always dropping off early, shaving bits of time off here and there, hardly ever does his Sunday nights, turns up at the door with6 yo ds at times like 8 pm saying “oh he wanted to stay at yours” and then it turns out he hadn’t even had dinner.

The constant extra meals to provide add up. Also sometimes I want to use my time without kids to run down the stores in the house before getting another shop, and save a bit of money, but ds is quite fussy (being assessed for issues that could include sensory) so won’t necessarily eat back of the cupboard crap. It’s especially galling when he fought hard to get his time with the kids up to what it is, and actually wanted 50:50, to keep maintenance down, and is very keen to keep his own costs down at all times.

I’m having counselling to help me with my boundaries (again) because ex is someone who is very keen to cross them. Could you have the same?

I also have an 11 yo who for some reason hasn’t had a mention in this post yet!

OP, I hear you.
He should collect and deliver children as arranged, on time, properly fed and cared for.
They do it to fuck with our heads. My baby is grown, her father is dead, but your post brought back all the frustration.
It's not that you don't want the dc around. People are getting their kicks from trying to guilt trip you, 'can't they make their own lunch', 'send them to the shop', 'I'm sorry for the dc', it's all bollocks. The problem here is the dad being shitty.

Oh and I hear you when you say you don’t want the dc to feel unwelcome - of course you don’t! That’s one of my issues.

And my 11 yo Dd also hates being a go between, understandably.

I'd have told him "Tough tits, I'm not in."

Im basing my comment on your OP where you said your ex has the kids for the 1st time since the end of August. Someone else picked up on it also. How was i supposed to know youve had them from march to august on your own? Like everyone im commenting on the information given

@swabthenose

I feel sad for the kids because I know how shit it feels when mum feels 'entitled' to time without you and dad cba.

I sincerely hope they don't feel like that. I've never complained to them about having them or them being dropped off early (not the first time it's happened!) That's why I didn't want to say anything to ex about getting lunch - I knew he'd tell them and frame it as me not wanting them when he's the one having them for half a day in a month! He'd even promised them they could go with them when he next visited these friends abroad but he obviously changed his mind and didn't even tell them - they asked me where he'd gone on holiday! I suppose he'd had the grace to feel embarrassed.

and to everyone else with a useless ex.

Why did you just accept his change of plan? He wants to do something this afternoon and so did you - is his time more important than yours?

All you had to say was "I have a few things to do this afternoon so tell dad we'll stick with 5pm - can't wait to see you!"

@Hailtomyteeth I am not in any way trying to guilt trip the OP. I am coming from a place of totally understanding where she is coming from both the the awful ex and the absolute exhaustion of providing meals which is why to help my self (and does the dc no harm either) during lockdown down they were responsible for making their own breakfast and lunch (they are 7 and 10) and if we were short of anything my 10 year old could pop to Sainsbury's local. Now they are back at school they make their own packed lunches so I only have to provide one good meal. It's made things much easier on me and dc enjoy it

Wow some really nasty comments here. I wouldn't worry about it OP - some people come on here to critisize and find fault due to self esteem issues.

Every mother on earth wants some time to themselves some time your kids won't feel neglected or unloved.

To all the people giving OP advice on how to give her kids lunch. Unless OP is a real moron she can probably work all that out for herself. She'll know better than us how capable her kids are of going round the corner to the shops (and she'll know if there even is a shop round the corner for them to go to). She'll know that delivery services are available.