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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think ex should bloody well bring them some lunch

247 replies

looseddaughter · 19/09/2020 10:46

Ex was due to have the dc this weekend from yesterday - tomorrow teatime for the first time since the end of August. I woke at 7am to ds1 ringing me to say they will be dropped off after lunch as ex has a ob opening to look into. I said fine (what else could I say, and obviously I don't want ds feeling unwanted, because he's not!).

Then 10 minutes ago ds texted to say they will now be dropped off at 11. FFs, the constant meals drain the fucking life out of me and I just wanted a couple of days off from it. I have nothing in and was planning to go shopping this afternoon. I'm left feeling guilty about wishing my kids were away a bit longer and just so fed up. I'd love to text him and say fine but send them with some lunch! But I don't want him saying anything to the dc so I suppose I won't!

Kids are 11 & 13 so not babies but it's the meals, the constant chivvying them off screens and the noise (ds2 just got into K Pop ) that I just wanted a rest from. Also have heaps of marking to do and jobs around the house, which I can still do but will end up feeling guilty as they'll mainly end up on screens.

Pointless rant - I not BU though am I?

OP posts:

Original poster

looseddaughter · 19/09/2020 11:22

True, but I'll enjoy it - just looking for a bright after the initial annoyance!

OP posts:

Rosebel · 19/09/2020 11:27

This is a bit beside the actual point but could you make a deal with your children for them to plan and cook one meal each a week or fortnight to give you a break.
As for your ex he sounds like a useless lump. All you can do is be thankful he's a ex. I would text him after the children are home and just say can you let me know in future if you want to change plans. It's not fair to expect the children to be messages.

RomeoLikedCapuletGirls · 19/09/2020 11:27

I get you OP, it's the constant being taken for granted that annoys you and you're caught in a position of not being able to say no because, like you say, you don't want your DC to think they're unwanted.

If only you could arrange to meet him at MacDonalds then once he gets there give him your order

RomeoLikedCapuletGirls · 19/09/2020 11:28

I also think that people on MN often advise confrontation when the bottom line is that you've been through all that and just want some peace and quiet!

MyTwoLeftFeet · 19/09/2020 11:29

God there are some really unhelpful replies here! I'm sure OP has heard deliveroo and knows that her kids can make themselves a sandwich. She wanted some time to her bloody self and her ex hasn't had the kids in weeks. Yes OP it's bloody annoying your ex sounds absolutely useless.

BloggersBlog · 19/09/2020 11:31

@RomeoLikedCapuletGirls

I also think that people on MN often advise confrontation when the bottom line is that you've been through all that and just want some peace and quiet!

Very true. And then the little snipes and comments to them when he next has them and is still annoyed with you. Puts the dcs in such a horrible position

Pumpertrumper · 19/09/2020 11:32

You say DS hates being to ‘go between’ but then have a fit at people saying ‘maybe you and your ex should actually speak to each other’ and accuse them of being ‘Male apologists’

FFS you YANBU about your ex but YABU for your crappy personality

midnightstar66 · 19/09/2020 11:33

We've all agreed he sounds utterly useless, many of us are in similar situations, but he's going to drop the dc off regardless so we were trying to offer solutions that might make her day a bit easier and less disrupted

Cantthinkofausename · 19/09/2020 11:35

I can't actually believe your having a moan because you've had your kids solely since the end of August, its only the 19th of September .....

AlwaysCheddar · 19/09/2020 11:35

Couldn’t you have said you’re out so they had to stay with the dad?

rorosemary · 19/09/2020 11:36

I think that at tge very least you should send ex the bill for the extra meals. I assume that maintenance is calculated for how long he has them, so he should pay if he has them less.

Sorry you lost your me-time OP, but I agree with you that kids should feel welcome to come home.

Pluckedpencil · 19/09/2020 11:39

Just wanted to say please don't feel guilt about wanting a rest from the noise and cooking and responsibility. We all do!!! It's really not fair to not speak to you like a grown up.

CanIHelpYou · 19/09/2020 11:39

@MyTwoLeftFeet

Well yes but people like to offer suggestions too rather than just saying 'yh he's a shit hun'.

And if OP is saying she's absolutely sick of making meals then I don't think it's unreasonable to say 'can your DC not make it themselves?' or to suggest that she absolutely wouldn't be wrong to tell her ex to bring something for them which she said in her OP she didn't think she could do, people are just saying 'yes you can'.

ilovemyrednosedaymug · 19/09/2020 11:39

Deliveroo don't exist here and some places are a 5 mile drive to the nearest shop, and 20 miles to the nearest supermarket, so not everyone lives where the kids can just walk to a shop or supermarket......

OP, I get the annoyance. XH didn't see DD from Feb-Aug due to lockdown, as he often went several weeks between visits anyway. This last time it was 4 weeks. He will often pick her up at 9 and drop her back at 5, so all he has to do is find her some lunch and they don't always manage that :(

C8H10N4O2 · 19/09/2020 11:39

FFs, if they're old enough to sort it why isn't he old enough?

Exactly. The age of the kids is irrelevant, its about him being a shitty parent to the children.

OP are support payments (if any) based on you providing for them 7 days a week?

MyTwoLeftFeet · 19/09/2020 11:40

@midnightstar66 I'm sure OP knows about those options the impression of her OP was that she wanted a bit of a rant and some sympathy not a link to justeat!

audweb · 19/09/2020 11:41

@Cantthinkofausename and before that it was probably weeks as well. It’s relentless when you are the only responsible adult parenting, it’s exhausting and comments like this don’t help. Isn’t it poor that 19 days into September their dad hasn’t actually had them?!

Nousernameforme · 19/09/2020 11:41

At drop off can you not just have a little dig to make yourself feel better. I figure it's a while till he will see them again so little chance of him communicating it to them.
Just tell him he is a nob head. It might make you feel better.

CanIHelpYou · 19/09/2020 11:41

Exactly. The age of the kids is irrelevant, its about him being a shitty parent to the children

The ex is old enough to sort it... Obviously. But we all know that some exes out there are unreasonable.

Yes the ex should be the one doing it, but if he refuses what can you do? It's not then unreasonable to ask an 11 & 13yr old to make their own sandwich.

Beamur · 19/09/2020 11:43

So much of the advice on here is how the OP can fix the problem...
She shouldn't have to be fixing it.
This is male entitlement writ large.
OP I hear you.

CanIHelpYou · 19/09/2020 11:43

[quote MyTwoLeftFeet]@midnightstar66 I'm sure OP knows about those options the impression of her OP was that she wanted a bit of a rant and some sympathy not a link to justeat![/quote]
OP specifically said in her OP that she didn't think she should tell her ex to bring them something in case it got back to the DC. People are obviously going to reply to that with 'yes you absolutely can tell him to bring something!'.

That is being supportive too, its encouraging OP to stand up to an ex that she clearly doesn't feel she can and telling her she isn't wrong for doing so.

CanIHelpYou · 19/09/2020 11:45

No, I don't think anyone thinks she should be the one having to fix it. I think everyone on here agrees the ex is a shit and sounds useless. People are only suggesting things to try and make OPs life a little easier, not agreeing with the ex.

We can agree the ex is a shit all day long, it doesn't mean he'll do what he should do sadly.

differentnameforthis · 19/09/2020 11:49

Let them on their screens if it helps you get stuff done. Nothing wrong with it.

C8H10N4O2 · 19/09/2020 11:49

Yes the ex should be the one doing it, but if he refuses what can you do? It's not then unreasonable to ask an 11 & 13yr old to make their own sandwich

It is however still not about the kids getting their own lunch, a subject on which the OP is better qualified to have considered than any of us. Nor is it about the million other excuses and workarounds provided for useless fathers.

The issue is a shitty father treating parenting his own children as an optional leisure activity.

ittooshallpass · 19/09/2020 11:52

Ugh. Sorry your ex is shit OP. There is absolutely nothing worse as a single parent than when the kids get brought back before you were expecting them.

I understand exactly how you feel. Nothing to add really but I get where you're coming from.

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