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Original poster

To buy a gift even though they've asked for money?

272 replies

lasangoles · 19/09/2020 08:28

Not sure how to feel about this. My friend has asked me not to buy her and her partner a gift for the birth of their first baby. I was just going to get them something little each, a couple of little things that I found really helpful at beginning of my mat leave. They'd only come to about £12 but I don't have much money and am a lone parent to a toddler myself. I would feel a bit shit just presenting them with a tenner! Would you just stick a measly tenner in a card? Or buy the gift anyway?

OP posts:
laidbacklife · 19/09/2020 18:43

I'm not sure about cooking meals for them. A friend did that for us and while it was well intentioned we ended up binning them as we either cooked or ordered delivery. Perhaps vouchers rather than cash?

InFiveMins · 19/09/2020 18:52

I would stick a tenner in a card and write "apologies but I can't afford more". A tenner will still buy a pack of nappies or whatever.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 19/09/2020 18:54

@InFiveMins

I would stick a tenner in a card and write "apologies but I can't afford more". A tenner will still buy a pack of nappies or whatever.
Absolutely don't! You NEVER apologise that you cannot afford more. That's sad. As these are OP's friends, they will know anyway. No need to apologise even if there wasn't the tenner.
newnameforthis123 · 19/09/2020 18:59

@laidbacklife

I'm not sure about cooking meals for them. A friend did that for us and while it was well intentioned we ended up binning them as we either cooked or ordered delivery. Perhaps vouchers rather than cash?
Why though? Because they weren't a good cook? Or because you didn't like the specific meals? It sounds like OP is known for being a good cook so this would probably be welcomed?
SchrodingersImmigrant · 19/09/2020 19:08

Just one thing OP. If you are cooking for them, confirm they have enough space in a freezer. They may have stocked up

Thisismytimetoshine · 19/09/2020 19:10

@laidbacklife

I'm not sure about cooking meals for them. A friend did that for us and while it was well intentioned we ended up binning them as we either cooked or ordered delivery. Perhaps vouchers rather than cash?
Why did you do that?
Hahaha88 · 19/09/2020 19:36

@1forAll74

I wouldn't give any money, even though they have asked for it, as it puts people in a difficult position if they don't have much to spare, but even so, I think it's wrong to ask for money, it's very impersonal. I think I would get them a nice little photo frame, for their first baby photo.
You and 10 others which is the point. It's a waste of money you buying a photo frame that isn't needed with others doing the same. Either give a fiver or give nothing. Don't spend money you say you can ill afford on something that's not wanted or needed
Hahaha88 · 19/09/2020 19:40

@didireallysaythat

I think a nice soap and hand cream with a card (to wash your hands soo much with a new born) works
God please no. That would be charity shopped straight off in my house. I use products I like, not that someone thinks I will like
Hahaha88 · 19/09/2020 19:44

@TheKeatingFive

but said she can't afford much hence this thread and the fact she was concerned a tenner in a card didnt look much!

A tenner in a card is absolutely fine and a million times better than spending said tenner on a present they don’t want or need and will end up in a charity shop.

Well said. Why are so many people sure a tenner isn't enough?! Of course it is!
violetclouds · 19/09/2020 19:46

I personally hate when people ask for money instead of a gift it's just so rude! I would definitely buy a gift despite the request!

Subordinateclause · 19/09/2020 19:47

We were very kindly given many, many items of clothing (probably around 50) and 80%+ were in a 3-6m or 6-9m so I think everyone has the same idea about not getting newborn size. As it was, a lot of it wasn't worn as baby wasn't big enough, even though people had bought appropriately for the season it'd be when she was that age.

Hahaha88 · 19/09/2020 19:49

@Yesterdayforgotten

TheKeatingFive you did and my reading comprehension is just fine thank you. You generalised that all gift givers couldn't judge whether it is a good gift and hence alluding to obviously having no idea what the person would like. You don't give gifts than obviously....Confused
I mean she really didn't. She simply said that the gifter may think they've the perfect gift but only the giftee actually knows if it is. That's not remotely saying gifters are the work of the devil
Heartofglass12345 · 19/09/2020 19:49

I would've appreciated the snacks even if I didn't want anything for the baby haha

Trousersareoverrated · 19/09/2020 19:50

Id put a tenner in the card and then buy a big box of biscuits for them too. You’ve done what they said but there is a bit of thinking involved too.

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 19/09/2020 19:50

I think that you can't go wrong with a book. Babies love being read to. You can get a nice one for £5/6.

Hahaha88 · 19/09/2020 19:51

@laidbacklife

I'm not sure about cooking meals for them. A friend did that for us and while it was well intentioned we ended up binning them as we either cooked or ordered delivery. Perhaps vouchers rather than cash?
Unless they made you stuff you didn't like (and op knows they very much like her suggested meals) that's really quite harsh and wasteful. Why would you actually pay someone to make and deliver you food when someone had already done just that for you?
Yesterdayforgotten · 19/09/2020 19:52

Hahaha88 I stand by it actually as it was a negative comment on the load of others about gifters. You would think it was work of the devil the way some of the people on this thread have been going on...Confused

Yesterdayforgotten · 19/09/2020 19:52

on the back of a load of*

ameliajoan · 19/09/2020 19:53

They’ve asked for no gifts, so why would you give them gifts they don’t want just so you don’t feel bad about a tenner in a card?

£10 is fine for a newborn, and while you might like the clothes you can get discounted, she might not. Hence the no gifts request.

This isn’t about you. If you value your friend, why would you deliberately give her something she’s specifically asked you not to?

MikeUniformMike · 19/09/2020 19:54

Newborn things of a practical nature were great.
I also appreciated things that got used up quickly like nappy sacks and Boots vouchers. Clothes were a bit hit and miss really - they tended to not be the sort of clothes that I wanted PFB to wear.

A friend's MIL crocheted he most gorgeous blanket for her granddaughter. I envied that. It was beautiful.

Yesterdayforgotten · 19/09/2020 19:54

'Why would you actually pay someone to make and deliver you food when someone had already done just that for you?'

Maybe not a great cook or questionable hygiene I'm guessing? Otherwise it's bonkers

Glitterandunicorns · 19/09/2020 19:58

You mentioned cooking them food for their freezer. Do this! My best friend did this for me and brought stuff like flapjacks and other snacks too when I had my baby. It was my favourite present by a mile as it meant that I didn't have to worry about cooking tea and I could just take something out of the freezer.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 19/09/2020 20:03

I will say though I don't usually mind being asked for cash but it doesn't sit right with me that it's for a baby shower/birth of a baby. Usually people would buy a book for the baby/photo album/money box/outfit and/or something for the new mother such as different food. All of these would/could be under a tenner. But many people would feel putting the amount of cash they would have spent on a present so the couple will know they'll receive more this way.

It seems strange to suggest money if they don't want gifts for this occasion. They should have just said "we have everything we need so please don't buy any presents!"

ameliajoan · 19/09/2020 20:04

Along with a pp I would also bin any food made for us. I’d smile politely and say thank you, but it would go straight in the bin.

I’m not interested in random food that I haven’t chosen and don’t know how it’s been made, and the majority of homemade food is awful.

I’d rather get a takeaway or make something quick myself.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 19/09/2020 20:04

Gifts are not the work of the devil.

UNWANTED gifts though... That's a different hell game. That's what we are going on about.

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