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AIBU?

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Original poster

To buy a gift even though they've asked for money?

272 replies

lasangoles · 19/09/2020 08:28

Not sure how to feel about this. My friend has asked me not to buy her and her partner a gift for the birth of their first baby. I was just going to get them something little each, a couple of little things that I found really helpful at beginning of my mat leave. They'd only come to about £12 but I don't have much money and am a lone parent to a toddler myself. I would feel a bit shit just presenting them with a tenner! Would you just stick a measly tenner in a card? Or buy the gift anyway?

OP posts:
Glendaruel · 19/09/2020 12:05

I'm due in 10 weeks. Money is helpful but I wouldn't ask for it. If people by gifts i t might not be to my taste, but I appreciate the thought. I think freezer food sounds great plan. If you're local, the offer of help will be appreciated, someone that brings the coffee and cake to them when they don't feel like going out, then sits with the baby while mum gets a blissful 5 min peaceful shower. A friend received a small book of vouchers from a friend that she had. Items in it didn't really cost anything but time but showed thought

melj1213 · 19/09/2020 12:20

The problem with just saying "No gifts" is that people will ignore it and buy 'stuff' anyway. If you say "No gifts but if you insist, we'd prefer cash so we can buy what we need/put it towards larger items we want" then people get affronted at the grabbiness ... you cant win.

Personally if friends ask for no gift then I honour that. Instead I will buy them a fancy card and then something small but practical/consumable for the new parents that is more a treat than a "gift" - for one friend who lived in a 3 floor house with the bedroom on the top floor I bought her a nice insulated flask so she could make herself a drink before bed that would still be hot whenever she needed it and would save her a trip 2 floors dien to the kitchen in the middle of the night when she was up for night feeds.

anuffername · 19/09/2020 12:57

Personally if friends ask for no gift then I honour that. Instead I will buy them a fancy card and then something small but practical/consumable for the new parents that is more a treat than a "gift"

How exactly is that honouring the no gift request?

Lockdownseperation · 19/09/2020 13:01

Have they said what the money is for? If it’s to go in the baby’s saving account I would give it. The vast majority of clothes gifts I was giving went to the charity shop with tags on. I have long babies so although people had bought for the next age group they were wrong for the season. I also only like babies in babies grows/rompers for the 5/6ish months before they are moving around.

katy1213 · 19/09/2020 13:18

You are massively over-thinking this.They haven't asked you for money, they asked for no gifts - so respect that and send a nice card. They might also be glad of a babysitter in a few months' time.

madcatladyforever · 19/09/2020 13:21

Cheeky fuckers. How vulgar it is to ask for money instead of gifts. I never give money only gifts and they can like it orlump it.

melj1213 · 19/09/2020 13:23

How exactly is that honouring the no gift request?
Because I am buying them something that isnt a gift? So rather than buy them clothes/babygrows/toys/knickknacks etc I will buy some chocolates, fancy coffee, make a freezer meal (all consumable and not expensive) or something practical that really wasnt a gift - eg one friend has sensitive skin like I do and was worried about stretch marks, I gave her some stretch mark creams I used that are specially formulated for sensitive skin etc.

RhiWrites · 19/09/2020 13:30

Chocolate, coffee, meals and cream are all types of gifts. Hmm

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 19/09/2020 13:35

Your idea sounds lovely but seriously? It's not at all 'lovely' to ask for money for a bloody baby gift. Just no.

Thisismytimetoshine · 19/09/2020 13:35

@RhiWrites

Chocolate, coffee, meals and cream are all types of gifts. Hmm
Well, they are, but they're consumables so slightly different to stuff you don't need that you have to make room for.
Thisismytimetoshine · 19/09/2020 13:38

@katy1213

You are massively over-thinking this.They haven't asked you for money, they asked for no gifts - so respect that and send a nice card. They might also be glad of a babysitter in a few months' time.
Well, they have actually...

Op said:
They just said when I asked if there was anything they needed that there wasn't, and they've just been asking people who want to give a gift money instead.

Lumene · 19/09/2020 13:40

Cooking something sounds like a good idea. V thoughtful.

GreenTiles22 · 19/09/2020 13:45

I don't think they've asked for money. They sound like close friends of the OP, and so in conversation said 'we don't want gifts, but if people want to give a gift then money is ok'. That's not the same as asking the OP for money. It's their way or saying she doesn't need to buy a gift or give money. That's how I would interpret it anyway.

Thisismytimetoshine · 19/09/2020 13:48

@GreenTiles22

I don't think they've asked for money. They sound like close friends of the OP, and so in conversation said 'we don't want gifts, but if people want to give a gift then money is ok'. That's not the same as asking the OP for money. It's their way or saying she doesn't need to buy a gift or give money. That's how I would interpret it anyway.
Of course it's asking for money 🙄. Why would you feel the need to clarify money would be gratefully received (when wouldn't it be?) if you weren't expecting it? If you don't want gifts then saying "no gifts, please" is perfectly adequate.
CatSmith · 19/09/2020 14:05

I think the food prep idea is beyond awesome! It’s totally fantastic and I know I’d have truly appreciated having a homemade lasagne, casserole, pie etc in my freezer after the birth of my babies.

Also, technically, if you do her let’s say 5 days of food prep, you’ve not actually bought anything. Sticking to the letter if her request there, like a great friend x

ToastyCrumpet · 19/09/2020 14:09

I’d get them a book token.

1forAll74 · 19/09/2020 14:15

I wouldn't give any money, even though they have asked for it, as it puts people in a difficult position if they don't have much to spare, but even so, I think it's wrong to ask for money, it's very impersonal.
I think I would get them a nice little photo frame, for their first baby photo.

riddles26 · 19/09/2020 14:20

We are in a similar position to your friend and also requested no gifts both at our wedding and when we had children.

If anyone insisted they wanted to give, we said it really wasn't necessary to give money if they really wanted to because we are minimalist and don't want to accumulate things we don't need. We were lucky to inherit a lot of things from older siblings and bought the rest according to put preferences. The majority of gifts we received from those who ignored our wishes were donated to the hospital I work at so someone else could make use of it.

If I had a friend in your shoes, I genuinely would prefer you didn't give us a thing. You need the money much much more. A home cooked meal for freezer or cake would be appreciated but still not necessary

riddles26 · 19/09/2020 14:35

Because I am buying them something that isnt a gift? So rather than buy them clothes/babygrows/toys/knickknacks etc I will buy some chocolates, fancy coffee, make a freezer meal (all consumable and not expensive) or something practical that really wasnt a gift - eg one friend has sensitive skin like I do and was worried about stretch marks, I gave her some stretch mark creams I used that are specially formulated for sensitive skin etc.

The number of people who think they know better than the person they are buying for really astounds me. I have super sensitive skin, it has taken me years to finally find items that work without causing irritation and I am not about to switch to a gifted item because it says it is formulated for sensitive skin. Most people don't know exactly what I use because I don't talk about it much. If I were to receive any of this, it would go straight to the charity shop.

OP your friend sounds absolutely lovely; she knows and understands how hard things are for you financially. Making her a home cooked meal for her freezer of something you know she really enjoys sounds absolutely perfect. Take that and some biscuits and spend some time with her (if you're in an area where you can) - it is more than enough Flowers

Thisismytimetoshine · 19/09/2020 14:36

If anyone insisted they wanted to give, we said it really wasn't necessary to give money if they really wanted to because we are minimalist and don't want to accumulate things we don't need.

The punctuation makes this hard to read; Did you say it wasn't necessary to give money (quite presumptuous?), or that a gift wasn't necessary but they could give money if they wanted to? (How gracious of you...)

What were you going to spend they money on, if you didn't need anything?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 19/09/2020 14:37

I am so glad I don't have mumsnetters with their "I don't care what you want or need, you will get what I want to get you" mantra as friends😁

Thisismytimetoshine · 19/09/2020 14:38

I'm glad none of my friends tell me "No gifts, please, just chuck me some dosh" 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

formerbabe · 19/09/2020 14:42

I find it rude to request anything or even make a statement about what you do or don't want.

babbi · 19/09/2020 14:49

The food sounds like a fantastic present and will be most welcome and so useful .
Good nutrition for tired parents .
They will be delighted with that .

I agree about no presents also to be honest..
the amount of things that I was given for DD was so so generous and I was grateful but honestly 90% had to be given away .
I’d have had to change her clothes 10 times per day and changed toys every hour to get through them all ...

Big family and large friendship group !!

Thankfully I had good options to donate them forward to

TheKeatingFive · 19/09/2020 14:59

I don't think they were being rude. They just said when I asked if there was anything they needed that there wasn't, and they've just been asking people who want to give a gift money instead. I think they are going to use it to do up the nursery.

That’s perfectly reasonable. Just put a tenner in a card. That way you’re contributing to something nice for the baby.

MN always collectively loses its shit over gifting money. It’s a tad bizarre.

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