To buy a gift even though they've asked for money?

[lasangoles]

Not sure how to feel about this. My friend has asked me not to buy her and her partner a gift for the birth of their first baby. I was just going to get them something little each, a couple of little things that I found really helpful at beginning of my mat leave. They'd only come to about £12 but I don't have much money and am a lone parent to a toddler myself. I would feel a bit shit just presenting them with a tenner! Would you just stick a measly tenner in a card? Or buy the gift anyway?

I am so glad I don't have mumsnetters with their "I don't care what you want or need, you will get what I want to get you" mantra as friends

I know right? 😆

At least no ones suggested a silver photo frame. I think.

At least no ones suggested a silver photo frame. I think.

😂

I think it's rude to express any desire in terms of gifts...when I had my babies, I never even had a discussion with anyone about this. If people gave me a gift, then lovely, if not, I wasn't bothered. If someone did get me a gift, then it's up to then to choose it, not me to dictate. If it wasn't suitable, I'd just regift somewhere down the line.

A home cooked meal would be lovely. No need to give money

You know all this gasping and being offended at asking for money is primarily just a (white?) British thing right? Do you think any of the other British people of Caribbean, Nigerian, Polish, south Asian or East Asian (Irish too?) background are flapping their wings in outrage about this? No! You ask for money or you give money because it’s what the family needs because IT’S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE. The money goes toward the family pot and benefits everyone.

This is what @SchrodingersImmigrant is hinting at. It’s seriously not that big of a deal folks. Love that username BTW. :)

Also, wouldn’t making lasagna cost more than £10??

I would make them some meals to pop in the freezer and give them a "gift voucher" for the offer of babysitting/bring round a cake & have a cuppa/more food

I was ridiculously organised before I had DD and we mentioned to people about not needing clothes. Of course, we still got tonnes and lock down happened so DD didn't wear the frilly pretty dresses for her daily walk in the pushchair! And now I have a lot of unworn gifts we didn't need.

You could just buy a gift and stick the gift receipt in with it and they can always take it back and get the cash back. I think the thought is what counts. You could say I know you said no gifts but I couldn't resist getting you this.

'And now I have a lot of unworn gifts we didn't need.'

You could sell these on ebay in a bundle then use the money to buy something your dd can use now. I do this with loads of stuff and it works great.

You ask for money or you give money because it’s what the family needs because IT’S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE

No, the couple have a far higher income than the op who is a single mum on a low wage. She needs the money far more than they do. A gift is an acknowledgement and a token to say congratulations

Personally if they asked for money I'd just give money though.

But only what you can afford and if doesnt look enough a gift. .

I think a nice soap and hand cream with a card (to wash your hands soo much with a new born) works

@formerbabe I’m talking about in general. But still, if she can afford £10, then she can just give them £10. It’s not difficult to honor someone’s wishes. I find it ruder that so many posters on here wouldn’t just listen to their friends and honor their wishes. If she wants to “give it a purpose” then she can write “Buy yourself a nice coffee” in the card or something.

I absolutely cannot belive how upset asking for money makes people! I had no idea.

I had an aunt who for years sent me bits of tat for birthdays and Christmas. It was thoughtless, a complete waste of money, items im sure she brought in the sale and bunged in a box and picked out when the occasion rolled around. In the end it became quite offensive, i would have been much happier with £5 in a card (we have now requested no gifts at all, and i send aunty a charity donation at xmas)

When my DC was born, I opened a savings account and every penny I was given for DC went into the savings account, even 50p given to me once by an old man who thought the baby was wonderful.

I wanted to be able to give my DC an opportunity i wasnt given, and when they are older, I will hopefully be able to help them financially meet thier goals -traveling, buying a house, a car, whatever that may be.

I personally don't think this makes me "grabby"
Whats not needed is more new baby items as many people have what they require. I would have thought a request of money, for whatever reason the person request it, would be sensible in these times of environmental damage, the fad for decluttering etc.

I fail to comprehend how it is rude or grabby.

The option is also there of course, to give nothing, or a simple card. Nobody has to give any gift, or money, if they don't want.

....to op, the freezer food option is fabulous. Im actually quite jealous and wish i had a friend who would make me a lasagna!!

I think it’s fine they said no gifts.
We had a baby recently and yes we were gifted lots of generous bits, but honestly most bits aren’t really our taste but we just use as it’s been gifted.
Even sleepsuits and T-shirt’s can be awkward buying others. Here we received lots of fleecy sleepsuits in 6-9months, but our baby is long so he’s already in that size and they are way too hot. So he has barely worn.

Food is a winner. It’s consumable so eaten and gone, handy as time saving, and is really thoughtful. If someone turned up with some lasagne and some blueberry muffins a few months ago they would have been greatly appreciated.

@JingsMahBucket exactly 😁 And thanks😁

Re the "you can sell it or return it". This is really just making extra work for a person who even said they don't want it.

Imagine:
You are having friend over. They offer to bring something. You tell them "Bring anything, as long as there is no tomato in it. Any dish but tomato dish. Or no dish is fine. Just no tomato dish."

And they rock up with tomato soup because they thought you will like it anyway even though you said 'no tomato'. "If you don't like it, just chuck it. It's the thought that counts". Innit.

Or even better!

You are having friends meet up. Each was asked to bring a part of one dish and together you will finish it. Let's say fresh seafood pasta. It's pricey so you all chip in like that.

You brought the prawns, mate 1 brought muscles and herbs, mate 2 brought oil and parmesan, mate 3 brought scallops. And mate 4 rocked up with biryani instead of pasta. Because you know. They knew you asked for pasta, but they thought since they make nice biryani, they will just bring that in. It's the thought that counts. Innit.

@SchrodingersImmigrant I feel sorry for anybody that buys you a gift and wonder if the recipients you have find your gifts 'wonderful'

I appreciated all the gifts I got and would and find your attitude awful.

I'm sure the op wants to give her friend money as requested but said she can't afford much hence this thread and the fact she was concerned a tenner in a card didnt look much!

snacky bits

I would always buy a gift if asked for money. It's very rude to ask for money. I would never ask for money. But I don't find it rude.

OP I'd either give just a card or a card and tenner. I don't have much either so I'd give cash and if they have an issue with the amount they can give it back!

but said she can't afford much hence this thread and the fact she was concerned a tenner in a card didnt look much!

A tenner in a card is absolutely fine and a million times better than spending said tenner on a present they don’t want or need and will end up in a charity shop.

[quote Yesterdayforgotten]@SchrodingersImmigrant I feel sorry for anybody that buys you a gift and wonder if the recipients you have find your gifts 'wonderful'

I appreciated all the gifts I got and would and find your attitude awful.[/quote]
You see, I appreciate gifts. Unless I specifically ask for nothing. I also usually go and ask few questions over a time before I get someone a gift, so I can be sure it will be useful and liked. If my friend says "Don't get anything, just pop some money in a card if you want to" I will listen to thir wish. Why the hell wouldn't I? Why wouldn't anyone?

If that is horrible attitude, so be it🤷‍♀️ I find stubborn giving of crap even when it goes against what receiver specifically said, a horrible attitude.

"Don't get anything, just pop some money in a card if you want to"
I just can't imagine responding that way to anybody. But if you're fine with it, that's great.
For you.

The number of people who think they know better than the person they are buying for really astounds me. I have super sensitive skin, it has taken me years to finally find items that work without causing irritation and I am not about to switch to a gifted item because it says it is formulated for sensitive skin. Most people don't know exactly what I use because I don't talk about it much. If I were to receive any of this, it would go straight to the charity shop.

I dont just buy stuff like that for the sake of it, I was using it as an example. And you know some of us talk to our friends about recommendations for products.

My friend has sensitive skin, as do I, and we were having a discussion about stretch marks and how self conscious she was about them etc and I recommended a particular brand of cream I had used with DD.

She later on happened to mention in conversation that she hadn't had chance to try it as she had found nowhere that had it in stock but had tried XYZ which flared up her skin.

There was a shop near me that had a huge stock, so I bought some and took it with me when I went round with the card for her son.

It was not presented as a gift, nor was it unsolicited it was just "Congrats on your baby, here's a card since I know you didnt want gifts but I brought a little box of chocolates for late night feeding emergencies and managed to get some of that cream I recommended for you if you want to try it out."