To buy a gift even though they've asked for money?

[lasangoles]

Not sure how to feel about this. My friend has asked me not to buy her and her partner a gift for the birth of their first baby. I was just going to get them something little each, a couple of little things that I found really helpful at beginning of my mat leave. They'd only come to about £12 but I don't have much money and am a lone parent to a toddler myself. I would feel a bit shit just presenting them with a tenner! Would you just stick a measly tenner in a card? Or buy the gift anyway?

People who earn £90k should have no expectations of receiving anything other than a card and well wishes from their single mother friend who earns £19k. They shouldn’t be “ gratefully receiving “ any amount of cash. ( I can’t tell if they’ve asked for cash or whether you just feel you should give them something ) I think the freezer dinners sounds like an excellent idea - much more personal (and delicious ) than money in a card.

Very rude to ask for money for a baby! What the hell!

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Op doesn't, but the title does. Put together it sounds like they said, if they can have money rather than present.

@overtherainbow88 that's great idea. And practical

Or they said no gifts please, we have everything we need and op interpreted it to mean they want money instead.

Honestly I'd rather have £5 in a card then another sleepsuit I don't need.

Meals is a great call @lasangoles but a tenner doesn't look bad at all!

A small token, maybe.

If they asked for cash, give them cash.

I think I might just prep them some food for their freezer as I'm a good cook!

This is perfect and thoughtful (as long as you know what they like). I wouldn’t do lots as decent ingredients are expensive. But a home cooked meal is a lovely gift. Even better if you can make it slightly healthy, I could afford to buy ready meals from supermarket but they’re all unhealthy and as I only eat free range meat they’re limited. I’d have bitten your hand off for things like homemade soups that are tasty, yet nutritious.

OK, that's decided then! Going to make them chilli and lasagne which they both request every time they come to mine

That sounds perfect lasangoles. It's a lovely thoughtful gift that they'll enjoy and it'll save them having to cook when they'll be tired

Depends what your friend is like - I hate lots of stuff / clutter / waste - I’m due my first baby in a few months! Everything bar the cot and car seat is second hand! Even going mostly second hand clothes! I don’t want more, I don’t need any stuff (most of its a hand me down from family and friends anyway)

I absolutely mean it when I say I don’t want gifts - too much stuff makes me really anxious actually.

@2andahalfpints

I would definitely do the food op, can you make something for the baby? A blanket etc? Or maybe a nappy cake?

Why? They've already said they don't want gifts.

Tbh, I wouldn't give them food either, as that is a gift. I'd just give them a card.

@lasangoles

OK, that's decided then! Going to make them chilli and lasagne which they both request every time they come to mine 😊

What a lovely and thoughtful friend you are, @lasangoles.

I never understand why people find it rude when people ask for money for weddings/births/christenings etc....it means I don't have to go to the effort of buying a gift and they don't end up giving something houseroom that they don't want or need

It's win win and the way forward as far as I'm concerned! Quite a few people gave us money when DS was born (unsolicited) and we've put it all in his savings account for when he's older

I'm not rich either by the way, band 2 NHS on £18K/year. Your food idea sounds good though if you'd prefer not to give cash 😊

I’d just tell them. They’re your friends. I’ve done this loads as I have been in your position. I’d just say “ I’d planned to give you some bits I found helpful with mine, I also thought I could cook a couple of meals to help in those early days. know you’ve asked for cash but my situation is really tight at the moment and I really can’t afford more than a tenner right now. I’m so excited for you guys, please just let me know what you’d rather I did.” If they’re actually friends they’ll take zero offence, as there’s nothing to be offended by and you’re genuinely trying to do the best you can for them.

Oh and as others have said saying no gifts doesn’t mean you have to give money. I have a friends and family that earn less than us and I find they spend at least as much as us on presents, sometimes on things we don’t need/plastic etc when I would rather they kept their money and just gave something small.

@Thisismytimetoshine

So how could it be audacious to decide for yourself what you'd like to present someone with? Your post is hyperbolic nonsense.

Calm down, dear.

It's not hyperbolic. And it's audacious to decide to go out of your way not to gift what people want, because you've decided they shouldn't be asking for it.

If you don't want to give to give a gift, fine. But to go out of your way not to give what's asked for to make some sort of point? Why would you even do that?

Just give them a card.
It sounds like they don't want anything.

Another vote for the food here: not only will they not have time to make home made lasagne for quite a while when the new arrival lands, I'd also appreciate the time and effort it took you as my friend to make it - in all likelihood a lot longer than a trip to the shops!

@HeddaGarbled

You’ve been specifically asked not to buy a gift. Don’t buy a gift.

They don’t need your money. Don’t give them money.

A card and your ongoing friendship are all that is required here.

Completely agree with this.

Prepping them some dinners for their freezer is genius, go with this! But ask if she’s already made anything as I prepped a load of lasagne and chilli before my baby and guess what my SIL brought over for us...!

Divebar

What I meant was, given their circumstances I imagine most people won’t feel the need to give anything at all.
So, if I were the expectant mum and my much more financially worse off friend gave me a card with anything in it, I would be surprised, touched and grateful. Why wouldn’t I be 🤷‍♀️

How about a gift card for a coffee shop they like? I frequented coffee shops with mummy friends when mine was little!!

@lasangoles

I just feel like a tenner looks like I don't really care but I really don't have much money.

A nice card is all that is required, surely. They are bound to be inundated with gifts from grandparents anyway. A card is perfectly acceptable.

A card is fine.

Do people actually ask for money from friends when they have a baby? I could understand if someone said we don’t need anything but if people ask them then maybe suggest they pop a token amount in a savings account for baby or donate to a baby charity but to ask for money from friends is pretty crass imo.

Definitely not money. Maybe you could offer a baby sitting voucher so they can have a night out, which they could 'cash' with you at a later date.

Prepping food for their freezer is a nice idea, if you are a good cook. But a tenner in a card would just about buy a dine in for two meal from Waitrose, M&S or Tesco which would give them the choice of what they wanted to eat, plus sides, plus dessert, plus a bottle of something.

I know which I would prefer.

"I think I might just prep them some food for their freezer as I'm a good cook!"

Great idea.

If they do not want gifts and do not really need the money, just do what suits you.

Asking for money is extremely crass.

A small gift on the arrival of baby is perfectly adequate for a friend.