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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my friend her flakiness/lack of flexibility is an issue?

126 replies

KatDubs261 · 18/09/2020 22:13

My best friend for 15 years - generally very extroverted but has undergone a bit of a personality change since lockdown. Not vulnerable, in her mid 20s and not in contact with anyone who is vulnerable. But has taken staying indoors to extremes.

Even since it has been allowed she has not met anyone in a cafe, bar or restaurant. Since breaking up with my ex last year I live alone & suggested she come for dinner - she said 'sorry I am still only comfortable going for walks.' I have seen her once since March and then she wanted to meet in a local park on Monday evening. In the end I was suffering badly with endo and couldn't, but I dont just want to meet my friend in a park on weekday evenings!?

Secondly, there was a weekend we were supposed to meet where she flat out forgot the plans. So I was stuck with zero plans that day. On Tuesday she said she would be in touch about seeing me at the weekend, but not heard from her.

I basically just feel that now she lives with her bf, she has a default plan. I don't - if I don't make plans in advance I could see no one all weekend. The last 2 weekends I've met friends in spacious safe outdoor bars. I frankly don't want to always have to go for a walk to see her and I dont want to be cancelled on either.

What can I say to her?

OP posts:

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 18/09/2020 22:15

She also sent me a message recently saying 'i can't imagine how lonely you must feel'. This was totally out of nowhere and made me feel like a patronised loser.

I actually like living alone as long as I can maintain my social life.

OP posts:

Marshmallow91 · 18/09/2020 22:17

You sound a bit selfish to be honest. Maybe respect your friend's wishes? Or make some new victims friends to keep you constantly entertained?

PotteringAlong · 18/09/2020 22:17

But you cancelled on her too?

IndecentFeminist · 18/09/2020 22:21

She's not there just to keep you busy. She doesn't want to do what you want to do, you don't want to do what she wants to do. 🤷

thepeopleversuswork · 18/09/2020 22:22

I think you're being a bit U to be honest.

She's totally within her rights not to go beyond her comfort zone and the way the COVID numbers are going she's probably right to be very careful. Meeting in a park may not be what you want to do right now but you have to make your peace with that now if you want to see her.

Separately it sounds like you've relied on her to underpin your social plans: as she has a boyfriend and doesn't want to go out its difficult for you but you are at different stages of your lives. If she's a good friend you should be able to continue to make it work, maybe with slightly different terms, but perhaps you need to rely on others who can meet that need at the moment. While its understandable that you're disappointed that she can't go out to pubs and cafe etc its not her job to be the plus one to allow you to do these things, particularly if she's not comfortable with it.

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 18/09/2020 22:23

I didn't want to cancel on her. I was floored with endometriosis. I also don't feel like meeting at night in a park in general.

There is need for nasty comments. I don't seek friends to keep me 'constantly entertained'. I live alone and I feel lonely during a pandemic. I saw this friend once every few weeks during normal times.

I have been able to see other friends the last couple of weekends but I miss her. It is fine to say 'respect her wishes' but it goes both ways. She said she wanted to meet this weekend, but hasn't been in touch. If I dont make plans with friends then I dont see anyone.

OP posts:

Pipandmum · 18/09/2020 22:24

Concentrate on your other friends. If she doesn't want to meet up then she doesn't want to meet up. If she cant remember her plans then tell her that you are busy next time.
And if she says that patronising thing again, refute it. Say you are happy on your own and don't need a partner, but would like to be able to have a friend who is reliable.

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 18/09/2020 22:24

Just fyi I am really happy to my friend finding a boyfriend that cares for her and moving into a new place with him.

But she has forgotten our plans twice now on a weekend, which leaves me with no plans at all. That is rude imo.

OP posts:

vodkaredbullgirl · 18/09/2020 22:26

Have you any other friends?

modgepodge · 18/09/2020 22:26

I understand your frustration. I have a friend who does similar - makes plans and then cancels, often only when I text her the day before to confirm timings or something. A number of times I’ve been left with no plans. I don’t live alone but I have a toddler and sometimes need to see friends to stay sane!! To be honest I’ve stopped suggesting things now, I can’t cope with the disappointment of being dropped last minute. As a result we haven’t seen each other for over a month 🙁 I guess we aren’t as close as we once were. I’d suggest concentrating on other friendships, that’s what I’m doing.

The not wanting to do anything other than go for a walk would also annoy me, mainly cos I hate walking!! I’m not sure you can do much about that one though, the government has done such a good job of scaring people.

vincettenoir · 18/09/2020 22:27

People are comfortable with different levels of interaction right now. I understand a walk in a park is not your ideal night out. I would prefer to go to a pub too. But if that is what your friend is comfortable with right now. that’s fair enough. Her text seems pretty patronising though.

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 18/09/2020 22:29

So there a few problems here. I had been living abroad for years until shortly before lockdown. This means I was just starting to rebuild my life and my social circles when covid happened.

Secondly I split from my ex last year. At the same time every one of my female friends have become partnered up. It is quite strange for me.

Lastly I have been able to see other friends occasionally yes. But I miss her a lot. I have her birthday present gathering dust in a drawer for 3 months.

OP posts:

MrsRogerLima · 18/09/2020 22:29

No it doesn't go both ways. Not in a situation like this it doesn't. You are wanting your friend to push her own comfort levels because 'you don't want to'.

That's so selfish and your no friend. She is better off without you.

I have not been to any of the places you mention. Even though I am technically 'allowed' because I'm not comfortable with it. However my friends aren't twats and we just adapt and compromise on what we are all comfortable with. That's what friends do.

nocoolnamesleft · 18/09/2020 22:30

I'm not sure how it was flaky of her for you to need to cancel on her due to your endometriosis?

Love51 · 18/09/2020 22:31

I'd take the acceptance option here. You know she is flaky. So, with that knowledge, decide how to act. I'd text her on Thursday night essentially to remind her, but you don't have to be that blunt - eg just checked the weather forecast, it looks like the weather is going to be great / shite / so bring a brolly / sunhat. Or, I'm really looking forward to Saturday, are we meeting at X place or shall I pick you up? Or "Are we still on for Sunday?"
That way if she's going to be rubbish you will have an inkling and it won't upset you as much.
I'm a fine one to talk, I get annoyed if friends aren't that into me, but you have to either accept or let go.

Dontcarewhatmyusernameis · 18/09/2020 22:31

I can understand your frustration and I don’t think you sound at all like you need to be entertained all the time.
It just sounds like you can’t rely on this friend right now. You can only meet her on her terms - in the park etc - if she’s nervous about the virus. I wouldn’t rely on her for weekend plans but only make plans at times you’re ok with them being cancelled. See your other friends who are more reliable at weekends etc. Once this virus eases up and things gradually go back to normal, hopefully your friendship will get stronger again but maybe in the meantime you need to change your expectations of her. Friendships can go through rubbish phases, this one sounds like it is, and maybe the virus situation has affected her in subtle ways she’s not articulating that well to you but it’s causing her to be a less than great friend to you. Her loneliness comment was a bit tone deaf for example, I’d hate that kind of comment too. But I see little point in confronting her right now, it is what it is, and her flakiness seems directly related to the virus situation as opposed to being this inherent thing so I’d just leave it for now and don’t take it personally and just enjoy your other friends.

CSIblonde · 18/09/2020 22:32

She's distancing herself ,so I would take the hint and find other friends. She's really not interested ,I know thats not nice to hear but it happens . Sometimes things run their course friendship wise, it's no ones 'fault'. The ' you must be lonely' text was guilt .

Heyha · 18/09/2020 22:32

One week she let you down, another she never got in touch to make plans. But when she suggests something she is comfortable doing, you don't want to (ignoring the endo as that's fair enough).
If you actually want to see her you will have to accept that might mean doing something she wants to do rather than what you would prefer.

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 18/09/2020 22:33

@nocoolnamesleft it wasn't - but she also couldn't give me a fixed time for when she could meet me. She said her and the bf were busy doing something so 'you'll need to be flexible time wise.'

She has asked to see me two weekends and then went radio silence. I had kept my diary clear and looked forward to seeing her.

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 18/09/2020 22:33

OP its totally understandable that you find the situation difficult but you can't expect someone to put themselves in what they consider to be a dangerous situation just because you'd rather be in a bar than a park.

You're obviously struggling with the fact that your lives have taken different turns at the moment and that's fair enough. But if you are a good friend to her you will respect her comfort zone on this.

upsidedownwavylegs · 18/09/2020 22:34

Tell her her lack of flexibility is an issue to what end?

Twitwooooooo · 18/09/2020 22:35

@nocoolnamesleft did you intentionally miss this paragraph in the OP? Or just fancied a dig?

GoldfishParade · 18/09/2020 22:35

You dont feel like meeting in a park, she doesn't feel like meeting in a bar. What's the difference?

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 18/09/2020 22:35

I just think she is moving into a new phase of her life with this boyfriend. A new start in a new home. I even said last week 'why dont you get in touch when the dust settles?' And she came back saying she definitely wanted to meet. So again I've kept my weekend free to see her and she goes radio silence again.

OP posts:

wildcherries · 18/09/2020 22:36

Why should she go somewhere she's not comfortable with right now because you don't want to go for a walk? That's selfish. Maybe she's not that keen on meeting up because she knows you're not in the same place with regards to what you're comfortable with, and that you don't really respect her stance.

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