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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my friend her flakiness/lack of flexibility is an issue?

126 replies

KatDubs261 · 18/09/2020 22:13

My best friend for 15 years - generally very extroverted but has undergone a bit of a personality change since lockdown. Not vulnerable, in her mid 20s and not in contact with anyone who is vulnerable. But has taken staying indoors to extremes.

Even since it has been allowed she has not met anyone in a cafe, bar or restaurant. Since breaking up with my ex last year I live alone & suggested she come for dinner - she said 'sorry I am still only comfortable going for walks.' I have seen her once since March and then she wanted to meet in a local park on Monday evening. In the end I was suffering badly with endo and couldn't, but I dont just want to meet my friend in a park on weekday evenings!?

I basically just feel that now she lives with her bf, she has a default plan. I don't - if I don't make plans in advance I could see no one all weekend. The last 2 weekends I've met friends in spacious safe outdoor bars. I frankly don't want to always have to go for a walk to see her and I dont want to be cancelled on either.

What can I say to her?

OP posts:

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 18/09/2020 22:37

No it doesnt have to be a bar, I'm hardly frequenting them myself.

She wont even come to my house for dinner or the garden just to spend time.

OP posts:

nocoolnamesleft · 18/09/2020 22:37

[quote Twitwooooooo]@nocoolnamesleft did you intentionally miss this paragraph in the OP? Or just fancied a dig?

Secondly, there was a weekend we were supposed to meet where she flat out forgot the plans. So I was stuck with zero plans that day. On Tuesday she said she would be in touch about seeing me at the weekend, but not heard from her.[/quote]
Yes I saw that paragraph, thanks. But that would make one example. One example does not make the friend flaky. Not unless you accept that the OP was also flaky, to cancel the walk in the park. Which I don't think is true.

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 18/09/2020 22:38

@GoldfishParade the difference is asking to meet at night in the local park on a weekday! I'm not a 16 year old teenager.

OP posts:

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 18/09/2020 22:40

Look my problem is she is initiating weekend meet ups and then flaking. This is the second time. It really bothers me, so I think I'll have to bring it up.

OP posts:

Ohtherewearethen · 18/09/2020 22:41

I think I'd just make plans with other friends and then if this friend gets in touch just say that you'd love to see her at some point, you're meeting so and so at 2pm or whatever but are free before and after. Don't put everything else on hold to suit her.

MrsRogerLima · 18/09/2020 22:41

Sounds then like she's just not that into you op.

katy1213 · 18/09/2020 22:44

I'd stop inviting her and concentrate on your other friends. But I wouldn't be over available by text/phone when she's bored with her boyfriend's exclusive company. Make plans with your other friends; and if they're not available, make plans with yourself for a nice day out to whatever's open.

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 18/09/2020 22:44

@MrsRogerLima that doesn't make sense though. Last week for example she sent me an article 'this made me think of you, it's an interesting read' and then said do you want to meet this weekend. I said yes, she said ok I will let you know what day later this week. Nothing.

The truth is we saw each other lots before lockdown and I worry that as long as there is no vaccine I wont seen her anymore. That the friendship will be damage.

OP posts:

RhubarbTea · 18/09/2020 23:13

This isn't about Covid, she just isn't prioritising you very highly. When sucks and must be painful. But you can't make her care if she doesn't. Stop leaving your weekends free for a start! Make other plans, even ones on your own. If she gets in touch too late, well tough; you already had plans. She'll soon learn. But I do think she isn't that fussed, and you'd be better ploughing your emotional energies into other connections.
Some people do this when they get in a relationship, an ex friend did this and it sucked, but eventually you have to think fuck it, their loss, and move on.

NameChange84 · 18/09/2020 23:21

I think YABU. She might be “flaking” because you are not listening to her completely legitimate suggestion to meet outdoors in a public space. She has every right to insist upon that given it’s a global pandemic and we are being advised in many parts of the country to avoid meeting in houses and private gardens. Try being more understanding and less pressurising. Stop trying to force her out of her comfort zone. It’s not your right to insist she takes risks that she isn’t happy with.

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 19/09/2020 00:27

I have listened. I met her for a walk in a place of her choosing one month ago.

I actually said yes to going for a walk this weekend! But she has flaked.

I met my friend in an outdoor bar with loads of space last week. I am being very careful. I don't always feel up for meeting her somewhere for a walk. I have my own reasons for that. Those saying 'YABU for not meeting where she wants' I disagree. It is not reasonable for her to not meet me in my garden distanced or something similar, at least occasionally.

Just spoke to another friend who is up for having a picnic on Sunday so I'll aim for that.

At the end of the day I never ask to see friends at the weekend and just never get back to them, especially not repeatedly. It is bad form and very rude imo.

OP posts:

Krampusasbabysitter · 19/09/2020 00:41

You sound a bit unkind and self-centred. Why are you mocking her for wanting to meet outside in the safest possible setting. For people with respiratory issues etc, it is a very valid concern and good idea to avoid bars and other public indoor spaces. As for being flakey, you had to cancel too.

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 19/09/2020 00:48

I have respiratory issues! She doesn't.

That's right. I had to cancel due to endometriosis, because I was in agonising pain and could barely move or walk all day. But the key point is - I DID cancel, first thing in the morning explaining the situation.

She doesn't even bother to cancel.

And also - that walk she took me on didn't make me feel safe at all. It was a very busy location on a narrow path, to the point we both ended up having to wear our masks. The 2 times I have been in a bar, I have been outdoors and distanced from my companion and far from other people.

A walk does not automatically mean 'safe'. I think it is unkind to expect a friend to keep their precious weekend time free and not show up.

I have been working from home since the start of March and our work has no plans to go back this year. And yet I am working later and harder. So meeting her in parks on weeknights and then being flaked on at a more suitable weekend time is hurtful.

OP posts:

GoldfishParade · 19/09/2020 00:50

Reading your updates has changed my mind. YANBU

imissthesouth · 19/09/2020 00:59

I think you're both BU in different ways. I wouldn't be very happy if someone cancelled on me without telling me though, that's a shitty thing to do.

imissthesouth · 19/09/2020 01:00

Do you have other friends you can make plans with?

TheNoodlesIncident · 19/09/2020 01:05

I agree with you OP, she's being rude. It's understandable that now and again plans have to be cancelled, but the way she has backed out and not communicated is not courteous or helpful. It's not pleasant to be left hanging and maybe wondering if you've said something wrong, or similar.

It's possible it's just that thing of shelving friends because she has a boyfriend and she prefers to spend more time with him for the moment. If it is, your best bet is to make plans with your other mates and give her some space for a while. It's more dignified and saves you worrying about whether or not she'll bail out again.

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 19/09/2020 01:05

Like I said above, I just recently moved home from another country before lockdown. Most of my friends are all spread out since covid.

But last 2 weekends I have seen other friends. But she is my closest friend and we are saw each other regularly before lockdown. I enjoy my time with other friends but it's not quite the same, that's all.

OP posts:

vodkaredbullgirl · 19/09/2020 01:07

I would cut your loses and concentrate on your other friends.

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 19/09/2020 01:08

It is unusual @TheNoodlesIncident because she has always been in a relationship with someone since I have known her and it has never affected the friendship before now.

It is the fact I said to her on Monday 'would it maybe be best to wait until you are able to meet up?' And she steamrolled that and suggested meeting this weekend and now she hasnt bothered. It makes me a bit angry.

It is almost like she has the intention to meet but cant go through with it

OP posts:

Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons · 19/09/2020 01:23

Maybe she does have the intention but anxiety gets the better of her?

I have a friend who I love very much but she hasn’t seen anyone other than her children since the start of lockdown - she makes tentative plans to meet up then the car breaks down or similar so she can avoid the meet.

I know for a fact that she’s only even considering meeting up because it would be SD outdoors & she knows we are very careful too. If I was going to pubs etc she wouldn’t even begin to think of meeting up because it would increase my theoretical chance of passing Covid on to her.

I would keep your heart open but not rely on her to meet you (& I don’t see the difference between you not wanting an outdoor meet & her not wanting an indoor meet!)

Sorry you’re feeling let down though

Inkpaperstars · 19/09/2020 01:33

I don't blame you for being pissed off at repeatedly getting radio silence when you have kept a time free to meet, that is annoying. Since she is an old friend and since this lockdown/virus may have affected her in various ways, I would not write off the friendship. Just wouldn't rely on her or keep time free for now.

eveningfalls · 19/09/2020 01:56

You do sound like you rely on her too much, but if you just moved home from living abroad, I can completely understand your need, it is hard to have lived away and everything is changed since you have come back and then this fecking virus on top of that.

However, she is making excuses and I'd read it from what you have said, she is not that keen to hang out with you. I wouldn't approach her again.

Krampusasbabysitter · 19/09/2020 02:38

OP, I appreciate it is hard to convey your feelings and frustrations in an anonymous forum. As a reader, you go on the kind of tone and general attitude of whoever is posting. You do come across as quite passive-aggressive and not all that kind. You completely dismiss her preferences and have no empathy for her that she might feel too anxious to meet inside bars etc, yet expect her to do what you want, then wonder why she seems reluctant to meet you. Perhaps you are expecting too much of her, having recently moved back. You come across as hard work. You haven't really said anything nice about her that would explain why you are friends. It's all about your needs and you don't seem at all aware of how she might be feeling. If you really want to see her, then suck it up and respect her preferences.

LouiseNW · 19/09/2020 02:44

KatDubs261

@GoldfishParade the difference is asking to meet at night in the local park on a weekday! I'm not a 16 year old teenager.“

Each to their own. We are been actively advised to meet outdoors atm. I’m not meeting anyone other than live-in family at present. Not flaky, just cautious.

Even in the best of times, we can’t expect others to make us feel happy.

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