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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my friend her flakiness/lack of flexibility is an issue?

126 replies

KatDubs261 · 18/09/2020 22:13

My best friend for 15 years - generally very extroverted but has undergone a bit of a personality change since lockdown. Not vulnerable, in her mid 20s and not in contact with anyone who is vulnerable. But has taken staying indoors to extremes.

Even since it has been allowed she has not met anyone in a cafe, bar or restaurant. Since breaking up with my ex last year I live alone & suggested she come for dinner - she said 'sorry I am still only comfortable going for walks.' I have seen her once since March and then she wanted to meet in a local park on Monday evening. In the end I was suffering badly with endo and couldn't, but I dont just want to meet my friend in a park on weekday evenings!?

Secondly, there was a weekend we were supposed to meet where she flat out forgot the plans. So I was stuck with zero plans that day. On Tuesday she said she would be in touch about seeing me at the weekend, but not heard from her.

I basically just feel that now she lives with her bf, she has a default plan. I don't - if I don't make plans in advance I could see no one all weekend. The last 2 weekends I've met friends in spacious safe outdoor bars. I frankly don't want to always have to go for a walk to see her and I dont want to be cancelled on either.

What can I say to her?

OP posts:

ChickenNotSoLittle · 19/09/2020 13:59

OP, I think that you’re getting a hard time on this thread and that some posters are being really unkind.

Your friend sounds thoughtless and in empathetic about forgetting about your plans. Her message about being lonely was really awful!

The post about using friends as an emotional cutch was particularly nasty. It’s actually really healthy that you’re trying to structure your time over the weekend to avoid too much time alone.

However, I do think you need to accept your friend’s wishes about going to the park only. I can understand your frustration and wonder if you’re banking on turning the meeting into a bit of more of an event IFSWIM.

I think it might be better to focus of seeing your friend for a catch up as something worthwhile in its own right and focus less on the activity.

IF she let me down again I would be honest and say that yes you can get a bit lonely and that weekends can be hard and you were really looking forward to meeting her. I’d suggest that perhaps she could put it in her diary or something.

I think there is some truth in posters saying you’re at different times in life with different priorities. I would pursue other interests and friendships so that her involvement ( or lack of it) in your life doesn’t have such an impact on you. I certainly don’t thinking keeping a whole weekend free for her is a helpful approach as at best she might agree to a short walk.

I think you might need to accept this, and as I say look elsewhere for positive uses of time at the weekend.

Take care

ChickenNotSoLittle · 19/09/2020 14:00

Sorry friend sounds UNempathetic

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 19/09/2020 14:11

Just cut her loose. Stop texting her. Focus on yourself and other friends. If I never see another fucking park in my life or go on another fucking 'socially distanced' walk I'll die happy. She's not that into you. Move on.

ToastyCrumpet · 19/09/2020 14:15

I’ve met one friend, once, outside, since the start of lockdown. None of my friends meet up with people outside their bubble except family living at a distance. What your friend is doing seems sensible to me.

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 19/09/2020 14:27

@Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd made me laugh 😂 which helps!

Yeah I'm feeling very low about it to be honest. @ChickenNotSoLittle that is exactly it. I have been making weekends plans to help keep me active and my mental health in a tolerable state. The lonely comment was bizarre because I hadnt even said I was lonely. She thinks it is weird that I live alone because she 'never could'.

I wont prioritise contact with her just now. I am fully expected her to get in touch next week about another plan that will never happen.

OP posts:

BunnyLovesBananas · 19/09/2020 14:28

You are not unreasonable to be annoyed by your friend cancelling plans or suggesting plans and not following through.

I had a situation with a friend last year when we'd both had a rough time and become a bit closer. She would text me and ask if I'm free to meet then I'd say yes and when she was free but she wouldn't reply. Weeks later she'd say she was struggling but I was having a tough time too. Once it had happened 2-3 times I ignored her "shall we meet up?" because it was rude. I still talk to her as we are part of the a small group of friends but I don't initiate any contact with her as I decided she's not worth my time.

But other things to consider are that she is not obligated to meet you in the way that you would like or even at all. Some of us have found that the lockdown restrictions have been fine and led us to seek outside socialising less. I have a few friends a keep in touch with but I'm not in any rush to meet up with people. I have some friends I chat to on Zoom and text with and I'm honestly happy with that.

It occurs to me she might have suggested meeting up because you are pestering her a little to meet up but she is obviously not that keen just as you were not that keen to meet in the park and ended up not going.

I think you should focus on other friends rather than trying to get this girl to do something she obviously doesn't want to do.

BunnyLovesBananas · 19/09/2020 14:33

Also whilst it might seem a bit patronising for her to say you're lonely, maybe you are and that's okay. Or maybe you have given her that impression from your texts.

Some people are just flaky or she could be showing you how much she cares about your friendship.

Some girls also neglect their friends when they have a boyfriend and it is different if you life with someone compared to living alone during lockdown.

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 19/09/2020 14:33

I am not pestering her at all nor am I trying to get her to do something she doesnt want to.

She is the one messaging me and driving meet ups and then not following through at all or being flaky about times . I've repeated myself about 3 times about that.

I'll take @NoSquirrels advice and also the general consensus to leave it. Like I said I reckon she'll be in touch again in a few days but I'm inclined to leave it for now

OP posts:

BunnyLovesBananas · 19/09/2020 14:36

She is the one messaging me and driving meet ups and then not following through at all or being flaky about times . I've repeated myself about 3 times about that.

Yes but OP she is not actually meeting you is she? Regardless of what she's saying with these meaningless texts, she isn't actually following through but and seeing you, so that's tells me she doesn't want to meet up.

ChickenNotSoLittle · 19/09/2020 14:38

OP It’s hard, I’m sure.My brother is in a similar situation to you and it’s tough for him.

Maybe when she does get in touch then let her know when you are available - suggest a couple of Small windows of time that indicates that your time is valuable too rather than making her think all the eggs are in her basket, and that you’re waiting on her call. Does that make sense? A bit of reverse psychology might even make her a bit more attentive to you.

I would honestly do as you day you’re planning to and not chase contact with her. My SIL is flaky and I never ever organise my day around her anymore. I fit her on Around other stuff and get myself into a ‘whatever’ frame of mind about seeing her. It used to make me really cross though!

BunnyLovesBananas · 19/09/2020 14:39

Yes I also have flaky friends and they don't get prime meeting times like Saturday evenings. I have told her that. She is lovely and she's good company but she has no problem just saying she's made other plans or she will have some emergency she has to attend to so I would see her but I don't go out of my way.

ChickenNotSoLittle · 19/09/2020 14:43

Sorry- I know you’re not chasing her op.

If she’s repeatedly letting you down then I’d call her on it. Say it’s really inconvenienced you and that it’s hurtful.

ChickenNotSoLittle · 19/09/2020 14:44

Bunny, I think you were a bit harsh in your earlier post but I totally agree about not giving such people prime time!

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 19/09/2020 15:29

Just had a call with our mutual friend who lives abroad and coming home. She said in her experience this friend has a tendency to disappear when she is struggling with mental health. I understand but I am I struggling and never leave friends hanging over and over.

So this friend wants to see us both and has suggested an outdoor meet up in her big garden. This will depend on whether we have another lockdown in 2 weeks, I hope not.

Can feel my own mental health slipping so I'm going to avoid the internet and do my hobby for the rest if the afternoon.

OP posts:

Krampusasbabysitter · 19/09/2020 18:21

So, your friend tends to disappear when she is struggling with mental health and has a long-standing history of mental health issues but still your needs trump everything… Everyone understands that you need to cancel with some acute flare-up of physical illness but you continue to show quite an astounding lack of empathy for someone who obviously struggles in the midst of a pandemic that has caused a massive spike in anxiety, depression, and a host of other mental health conditions. You call someone flaky who might be seriously struggling but it’s all still ‘me, me, me, me…!’ with you. Wow!

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 19/09/2020 18:37

Oh sit down @Krampusasbabysitter and stop being so accusatory. It has not been my personal experience that she disappears during periods of intense stress. This is our mutual friend's experience of the friendship, not mine.

I have just said I am struggling with mental health too and you have come on to have a go. You should look at your own ability to empathise.

Put it this way. I had an ex who suffered with extreme anxiety and depression. This made him behave in multiple ways that were not a how a decent partner would behave. He wasnt able to be a partner to me. Due to this and other incompatiblities the relationship ended. Regardless of WHY a person is behaving a certain way, that does not mean it is ok. If I am struggling with depression and cancel on people again and again I either need to

admit to my friend I am struggling or
stop making plans for a while

Putting time aside for a friend who keeps letting me down is affecting my mental health too.

OP posts:

Krampusasbabysitter · 19/09/2020 19:00

It's becoming very clear why your 'friend' does not actually want to see you.

Trisolaris · 19/09/2020 19:10

Hi OP,

I was going to suggest similar to @NoSquirrels advice. You don’t need to keep a whole weekend free for her and I would suggest having a back up plan for if things do fall through to protect your own mental health

Eg This weekend I plan to see friend A on Saturday but if I don’t see her I’m going to spend some time on self care doing some Yoga or mindfulness or watching x on Netflix, either way on Sunday I’m going to the pub with friend B

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 19/09/2020 19:21

Thanks @Trisolaris. I think @NoSquirrels advice was great and I am going to heed it. I was doing quite well with self care for a while but have let it slip. Yours sounds like a good balance.

And then our mutual friend is going to invite her to meet us both distanced so hopefully I'll see her then. At least we can invite her and see. Maybe she'll come back around in the future. But I wont put my eggs in one basket and keep my time free for her from now on.

OP posts:

Mary46 · 19/09/2020 19:51

Thats not nice if you put days aside for her. Friendship sounds bit 1 sided. I had few flaky friends which I let go it just wasnt worth hassle!! It is strange times now but friendship is two ways

Bourbonbiccy · 19/09/2020 20:06

So firstly if she only wants to meet outside at the moment, you should understand that being her friend and do outdoor things for a while, it shouldn't be a big deal for you and makes her feel at ease.

However she should not be avoiding making catch ups or then flaking out on ones you have made, it is so annoying to feel like that person to be chasing a catch up, when really it's not that you are desperate to see that person, it's just you need to know if you are so you can plan something else if not.

I once had a friend reply to my suggest of a catch up, " I will check my diary and let you know" ....I'm sorry no, if you don't want to check your diary now, let's just call it a day.

Mary46 · 19/09/2020 20:36

I know bourbon had that too. Or the one that is so busy. Yep we all busy!!!

wigglerose · 19/09/2020 21:17

Being flaky is not on, end of.

hellejuice91 · 19/09/2020 21:26

If she is forgetting about plans and cancelling on you last minute (without good reason) this is rude. That being said with everything going on we all have different levels of comfort. One of my friends has had several abroad holidays and travelled extensively round the UK in the last 3 months - I would never feel comfortable to do that. Another one of my friends is sticking to video calls and the odd socially distanced walk and that is it. I am somewhere in the middle. All comfort levels (as long as the rules are being followed) should really be respected. Her wanted to meet you in open spaces and distance is just where her comfort level happens to be

RattleOfBars · 19/09/2020 22:00

Sometimes friendships run their course. She may feel you don’t have much in common any more. Or she’d rather spend her free time with her boyfriend.

I’d try to make some new friends or focus on the ones who want to meet you, instead of hassling her to keep making plans she won’t keep.

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