To tell my friend her flakiness/lack of flexibility is an issue?

[KatDubs261]

My best friend for 15 years - generally very extroverted but has undergone a bit of a personality change since lockdown. Not vulnerable, in her mid 20s and not in contact with anyone who is vulnerable. But has taken staying indoors to extremes.

Even since it has been allowed she has not met anyone in a cafe, bar or restaurant. Since breaking up with my ex last year I live alone & suggested she come for dinner - she said 'sorry I am still only comfortable going for walks.' I have seen her once since March and then she wanted to meet in a local park on Monday evening. In the end I was suffering badly with endo and couldn't, but I dont just want to meet my friend in a park on weekday evenings!?

Secondly, there was a weekend we were supposed to meet where she flat out forgot the plans. So I was stuck with zero plans that day. On Tuesday she said she would be in touch about seeing me at the weekend, but not heard from her.

I basically just feel that now she lives with her bf, she has a default plan. I don't - if I don't make plans in advance I could see no one all weekend. The last 2 weekends I've met friends in spacious safe outdoor bars. I frankly don't want to always have to go for a walk to see her and I dont want to be cancelled on either.

What can I say to her?

@LouiseNW Exactly!

OP, you sound very needy and self-centered.
And lonely too, I guess. But that doesn't excuse the former.

Your friends are not emotional crutches. They have lives and boundaries of their own. They do not exist to serve your needs.

"I miss her!", "I don’t have many friends!"...
So what?
Keep acting like you own her, and soon you will have one less friend.
Take a hint and give her space, and you may keep that friendship going in the long run.

People are misunderstanding/seem to get the impression I have been chasing after my friend. I haven't. She is the one that continues to contact me to make a plan, then (I'm taking the day I was I'll out of this of course).

I also suggested to my friend that we leave seeing each other until things are less hectic for her. What is selfish about that? And yet she replied no let's definitely meet this weekend. She has flaked again. I think it is very immature.

I stand by what I said. If she wants me to put aside time at the weekend to see her, then forgets or flakes or cancels, I may not see anyone at all that weekend. Looking out for my emotional needs and expecting a friend to honour meet ups, at least sometimes, is not unreasonable.

‘Oh you are funny, lots going on at the moment but are you ok?’

Stop building you hopes up, try and ignore her txts for awhile.

@eveningfalls yeah the problem is that when I moved home she wanted to meet a lot. So in some ways I didnt try to meet as many new people because she was there.

But I was also making friends through a couple of new hobbies which have now stopped because of covid.

I have decided that the next time she brings up meeting I am going to say I dont want to keep the time aside if we arent actually going to meet. I'm sure the virus is affecting everyone in different ways. But I'm not willing to put up with this.
When I lived abroad I have a great friend who never missed a meet up and vice versa. She told me I was her most reliable friend and I felt the same. I now realise she was a diamond in the rough!

Look just organise things for your self with others and if she can fit into your plans that’s fine

I personally don't know anyone who has gone to an indoor cafe or a pub or restaurant. We are all coping differently. We are all entitled to manage levels of risk differently.

I think maybe just let this friendship drift as you don't seem to be clicking at the moment. Some friends drift in and out of life over the years in my experience. Maybe cast your net a little wider?

The reality is that it is very hard to cast your net wider during a pandemic. You can't go to social meet ups to see new people.

I've seen other friends fne last couple of weekends but I probably see either of them again for a while. I just need to accept this is how it is. It is lonely. I can just make the best of it.

@Marshmallow91

You sound a bit selfish to be honest. Maybe respect your friend's wishes? Or make some new victims friends to keep you constantly entertained?

Nasty and unecessary.

Have you heard from your friend yet OP?

I think you’ve got a point in that you have to make plans In advance to socialise but if she doesn’t fancy it she has the fall back of her boyfriend at home. It’s not fair to leave you hanging but I would just ask her when this weekend you are meeting? And if she is non committal it’s up to you- either make other plans or leave yourself free but expect that she may cancel.

You don't want to meet in the park, she doesn't want to meet you in other places, seems she respecting your wishes but you're moaning that she won't do what you want.

Why are you keeping weekends free after she says she'd like to meet up when the dust settles? She didn't say 'let's me up for the weekend next weekend'

I think there are two seperate issues here. The wanting to meet outside is one. I don't really see the issue with that especially in this weather. Sitting in a park is similar to sitting on a sofa and I'd make the effort to help her feel comfortable. It sounds more like you being inflexible here.

The not bothering with you now she has a boyfriend is separate and hurtful. Are you sure it's coming exclusively from her though? You cancelled on your park trip and might be giving off a vibe that you're only happy to go to bars and restaurants which she wants to avoid. You might be giving off the impression you don't respect her caution with respect to covid stuff which will naturally lead to her avoiding you.

@LilyLongJohn I was the one that suggested meeting after the dust settles! She was the one that said no let's meet this weekend.

Our mutual friend, who now lives abroad, has just been in touch with me asking to meet up in 2 weeks. I explained that it is very hard to see other friend at the moment. Usually all 3 of us meet.

But now that I think about it - last year at xmas she flaked on the meet up with her, when it was the last time we'd see her before when left the country.

And before the pandemic I met another friend who said she was very hurt that the friend I'm talking about stopped contacting her. Maybe this is what she does following a long period of friendship.

When she suggests the park, say ‘Come round mine, we can sit in the garden.’

When she says ‘Let’s meet this weekend, I’ll let you know when’ do t say ‘OK’ say ‘I’m free Saturday afternoon, how about you?’ and refuse to leave it open-ended. If she has said she’ll let you know, call her on it by Friday morning at the latest, pin her down. Get over your annoyance at being the one to firm the arrangements.

She’s comfortable telling you her boundaries (not indoors, etc) so tell her yours.

You’re simultaneously being too accommodating but rigid in expecting her to work to your expectations without setting them properly.

I get it’s frustrating but take control more.

You make a good point @NoSquirrels. Hadn't considered that. I'll try your advice 🙂

Trying to see another friend tomorrow afternoon who ways they are free/keen to meet. Don't like asking people to do something last minute because someone else has cancelled tho.

If she is upsetting you this much then stop seeing her, friends should not put that much pressure on you that you get this worked about them (not saying friends as in she is doing this to you personally but if being a friend with someone is this difficult then move on)

Actions speak leader than words. She is saying she wants to meet up but then doesnt bother. I don't know why people do this. I think they get a kick out of leading people on.

Tbh it does sound like she is just not that into the friendship anymore.

Dont initiate anymore meet ups with her. If she does suggest a meet up, lock her down on date and times. If she let's you down again refuse anymore meet ups. And tell her straight "I cant keep making time for you when you keep letting me down".

I wouldn't bother keeping any weekends free for this friend. Focus on your other friends and making new friends - I think there are still a few groups like yoga groups meeting at the park, and there must be some apps where you can meet new friends if you're happy to try it.

Your friend isn't reliable, she might like the idea of being social and filling her calender but she doesn't come through.

Don't give up on her altogether. There might be a time in the future when your lives align and you're both in the same place and it works out better.

You need to tell her that you won't put up with last minute changes of .
plans any more.

That said, it's really not your business how she chooses to deal with the Covid situation. Everyone is ebntitled to do what they see fit and criticising her for being cautious and responsible makes you look worse, not her.

the difference is asking to meet at night in the local park on a weekday! I'm not a 16 year old teenager.

Maybe it's your unpleasant attitude which is making her avoid you? Times have changed. I live opposite the village green which used to be only used by gangs of teenagers. I now see people of all descriptions meeting there. In this gorgeous weather it makes a lot more sense than faffing about inside in a pub. You sound incredibly inflexible and like you have a bee in your bonnet about your friend's personal safety decisions.

@ktp100 I stand by what I said before. Going for a walk does not = safe. The last walk she took me on was full of very narrow paths with lots of people. We had to wear our masks.

You know what? I don't feel like meeting in the park at night on weekdays. I've been working from home, overtime, since early March and I am exhausted. I don't then feel like travelling to the park when I finally do finish work. By the time I get there it will be cooling down.

@mypetEufy no I wont burn the bridge or give up on her as she was a reliable friend before. I think I'll just say it may be better until we match up better at sometime in future as it isnt happening now.

@MyTwoLeftFeet I agreed to go for a walk with her this weekend in this gorgeous weather and she has now flaked. So it doesnt matter what I agree to actually.

Well the flakyness is clearly annoying we can't tell you what's going on but I can say from your posts that you sound quite dismissive of her worries about covid and safety and this might be feeding into the friednship issues. It might just be that she's been a rubbish friend and you're frustrated generally, again it's so hard to tell without context.

If this is uncharacteristic I'd wonder if she's having anxiety issues. If she just couldn't be bothered to see you it would be easier to say so rather than make plans and bail on them. If she's usually inconsiderate and has just got worse because she's no longer single than that's different.

Sounds like she is scared of CV (Meeting outside is fine, you should both be ok with that) and is also prioritising her bf over you.

She’d rather fit in with his plans than yours. You come second in the list of priorities.

I think we’ve all prioritised a bf over a friend and then realised what we had done and regretted it. She’s just not realised yet!

I agree that anywhere, road, beach, park, canal towpath can be dangerous if there are too many people there.

Is there another quieter but safe place you could meet up in public? The bench outside the church or somewhere - a place that’s not so quiet there’s a danger from muggers but not so busy there is a Covid risk!

I’d try again and give her another chance.( I’d at least want to give her the birthday pressie to get the clutter out my house). I’d mention that “I’d like to give you your birthday present“ in the text.

I’d also be texting the day before just to confirm we are still on for tomorrow at xx time in xx place though.

After you give her the gift you may not hear from her again but at least youve kept yourself right and any fault is hers.