To set MiL Straight?

[Pregernaught]

NC’d.

I’m 19 weeks pregnant with the first grandchild on both sides, so naturally everyone is super excited and it’s all very lovely.

Yesterday, MiL let slip that she’s bought a next to me crib and a load of newborn baby stuff ‘for her house’ for when the baby arrives ... I quite pointedly said ‘oh that won’t be needed MiL, baby won’t be staying overnight with you until they’re too old to use a next to me, he/she will be in their own room by then’

She was taken aback and said I’d need a night off on the first few weeks at least. I said baby will be breast fed until 6 months at least hopefully so whether I want a night off or not, it won’t be happening. I also said that even if I couldn’t breast feed for any reason, I wouldn’t want baby away from me that early anyway.

She then got upset and said she would expect me to express so she could take her grandchild while they’re still a baby to have overnight and I’m cruel for not allowing this. DH stepped in at this point and said we wouldn’t be changing our plans to suit MiL, and he’d be very sad if she couldn’t accept that and made it difficult for us to see her when baby was born. She dropped it After he said that.

She’s also said some other weird stuff like weaning the baby from 3 months is normal, she doesn’t like the idea of breastfeeding and something about giving newborns water as well as milk? Pretty sure that’s not right? It’s making me really nervous about leaving baby with her at all until he or she is a bit more robust!

MiL has a sister who has a grandchild already, but she was born when her mum was only 16 and living at home, so naturally MiL’s sister was very involved from the start. DH and I are in our 30’s, totally independent, mortgage, the lot so it’s a totally different circumstance. I have a feeling MiL is comparing notes and wants to be as involved as her sister was, which obviously just won’t be happening.

I just want to check I’m not being cruel or unreasonable to lay boundaries with someone who is usually lovely and will absolutely dote on this kid?

You’ll feed straight from the breast if all goes well because you want to. There are loads of reasons you can look up when you have the time but she doesn’t need to know them. Your breasts, your baby. Literally fuck all to do with anyone but you and your baby OP. “It works for us” is all you need to say.

Omg is your mil fucking deluded or what? What the fuck? How would she have felt if her mil decided to take her newborn (your dh)away for a couple of nights 'so she could have a rest'.

Honey I have a similar mil like yours, they think weirdly and way out of this universe. Well done for your replies but you have to literally draw those boundaries and snap at her if she ever crosses it otherwise they never get it. Fml

Just stop discussing parenting with her op.

I’ve seen mils like this be the cause of women ending up with pnd and not feeling good enough.

Your husband needs to have a chat with her to create some well needed boundary’s.

@pictish

Yes...regarding her...or added anyone’s unsolicited advice, three words; smile and nod. That’s all you have to do.

“Thanks for the advice mil, I’ll think about what you said.”
Smile and nod.

“That’s a valid point, I can see where you’re coming from.”
Smile and nod.

“Thank you for chipping in, I can see that worked well for you.”
Smile and nod.

She can’t make you do anything. You don’t have to worry about it.

Thsi is excellent advice. Don’t argue with her or try to correct or update her. All the up to date advice in on line and in modern baby books, she could find out if she wanted to.

She just wants to put you in your place as a beginner and her as an expert.

I also agree with the PP who said get your Dh to go into bat with her. It sounds like he’s doing a good job so far, you need to be united on this or it will cause problems in your marriage.

If she keeps behaving like this then just avoid being alone with her. Make sure she does NOT have your mobile number. If she wants photos or updates she can contact your husband - you are not going on maternity leave to be his PA.

She’s your husbands mother to deal with - I’m sure you have plenty family of your own to keep you busy.

I’m currently pregnant with first baby, and I will let grandparents watch the baby for a few hours so DP and I can go out for a meal or for drinks etc, just for a break, but I won’t be letting him go for overnights at that age. It’s just unnecessary? Grandparents can visit but don’t need to have them for hours and hours UNLESS you as a new Mum actually ask for that. Water can kill newborns in the most extreme of cases. I’ve had lots of conversations with our family about how rules have changed and that we will be following the current guidelines and expect them to do the same or baby won’t be left with them. Stick to your guns and well done for doing it so far :) The next 2 me is just weird in my opinion.
My Mum has said she will always come to us to babysit so baby is in their familiar environment.

Mil was just as excited as your when I had ds1 4.5 years ago - didn't want me to bf as she wanted to feed him, claimed she had a right to have him overnight etc. Reality when he arrived was neither dh nor I wanted him to stay anywhere, he bf for 9 months. She happily had him 2 days a week when I returned to work, he did not stay out until he was 18 months, and he has tbe greatest relationship with his nana. He asks to go see her on weekends, he goes food shopping with her, asks to buy her flowers when we are at the shops. She adores him and him her....and yet hes only slept at her house 4 times in his life. Its just not needed if you don't want it.

@Pregernaught

Also can someone confirm I’m not going mad on the water thing, newborns don’t have water right?

Not these days but she had your DH in a different era. Babies were given water and weaned earlier and parents smoked and a whole host of other things.

Like you said, she won't be babysitting until baby is weaning at most so I wouldn't worry about that stuff

NannyOgg Nope. She made it up as she went along. Even if your DH is in his fifties/sixties, what she did wasn't recommended Well some of it was still recommended when my eldest was born and he is in his 40s. Weaning at 6 weeks, bit of rusk in the bottle for hungry babies, boiled water. The reassuring thing is that he is fine, his younger brother who is in his 20s and lots of different advice for him is also fine, babies are remarkably adaptable which is just as well given that adults can't make their minds up.

Make sure she follows current safe sleep guidance too if baby is left alone there! She seems to think she knows best.

[quote Pregernaught]@Morgan12 that’s really unkind. What was the point? I’ve at no point insinuated I don’t like MiL or that she’s anything other than an excited grandparent to be. Wind your neck in hen.[/quote]
@Morgan12 was being sarky. Well that's how I read it.

My DIL gave birth to the first grandchild on both sides two weeks ago. Her mum and I get on really well and are there to support her while respecting her boundaries. When I read threads like this on MN I am SO grateful that my beautiful DIL is not a total bitch and yes, I have name changed.

So just to be clear, you think it’s ok that OP’s MIL called OP ‘cruel’ for gently setting a completely reasonably boundary? And you think this makes the OP a ‘total bitch’?

OP you have been very kind and it is so important to set boundaries (I’ve learnt from experience). If not, your MIL is likely to become more and more overbearing over time. As for breastfeeding, I had some mad advice from my MIL (who also didn’t breastfeed but had lots to say about it). Please follow your instincts and don’t let anyone make you feel that you’re doing the wrong thing. Websites like Kellymom are really helpful so you can be confident and well-informed about breastfeeding, despite what your MIL says about it

Mil wants to play dollies with your baby. YANBU in having your newborn with you every night. Let her know you do not intend to be dumping your baby with her at any time in the foreseeable future. Even if you did want a night off I’m sure you’d rather trust your own mum than someone else.

Another thing she said not long ago is it’s not fair on DH for me to breastfeed because he won’t be able to bond. This really worries me

Ok so she’s already getting under your skin with her inane drivel. Think about it - men have been bonding with their babies for THOUSANDS or years . When did safe bottle feeding start???

Your baby will need changed during the night and your husband can get up to do that every single night and bond with baby just fine.

You need to detach and stop worrying about what she says. If you have to reduce contact - that’s fine. Let your husband deal.

Remember you are emotionally vulnerable right now - you are programmed to worry about everything and think about how it might affect your baby, that’s how we work. That’s one of the reasons that the MN antenatal support groups are so good - you can share your crazy worries with other mums at the same stage, and be reassured.

Hi op, well done to you and your dh for being clear from the start. You weren't harsh, just clear.

My mil is, similar, although not on the same scale, as yours. Constantly telling me to ff even though I was lucky in that bf was going well. She would turn up unannounced and want to hold him straight away, even if he was feeding or asleep. If he started doing hunger cues while she held him, she tried to tell me I was wrong and he 'can't be hungry again' because she didn't want to hand him back. My dh literally had to get up and take him from her and give him to me, often screaming by this point. This was in the 1st few weeks. It settled down after about 6 weeks, thank god and obviously lockdown when ds was about 3 months helped. It's starting up again now though, she's moving into a new flat and is on about buying a cot...

As people have said, you have time to manage her expectations so just keep being firm but polite and hopefully she'll get the message. Excited is good, but demanding is just putting unnecessary stress on you! Xx

Breast fed newborns shouldn't need water but in hot countries it's actually very common place to provide water to formula
Fed babies. Both my mother and my MiL questioned why I wasn't giving DD water in a bottle (she was combi fed). I just smiled and nodded really - it's different times and different advice. Also we were all weaned from three or four months as babies so again it's just not being aware of modern rules. There's a lot more information available today than when DParents or DPiL had babies and a lot more guidance.
I absolutely wouldn't have been parted from DD at that age overnight though - DD is nine months old now and we are no where close to an overnight somewhere (or even going out in the evening and leaving her with someone else here in the house)

Usually it's just well meaning advice but stick with the information you hat your HV or the NHS provide. If anyone was insistent with advice I disagreed with I would just ref the NHS website.

Oh the HV did tell me I could giv DD water in a bottle to ease constipation when she was tiny too.

The baby is yours and your DH's and not hers and she needs to understand that. I had absolutely no sleep with DS but I couldn't have given him over as a tiny baby for a night! If you are breastfeeding (and if you can it is the best thing) the baby will not need water as well. I started to wean very slowly from 5 months but that was under the direction of the doctor. You do it your way!

[quote Pregernaught]@ILikeTrains that’s so helpful to read. This is another thing that worries me, MiL doesn’t like the idea of breastfeeding at all, she thinks it’s bollocks that it’s better than formula/ just the same as cows milk and as such she has no concept of supply/ demand and how it all works. Obviously I’m more than capable of making my own decision on that but I don’t have the experience to know the reasons why I’ll need to feed from the breast and not express all the time etc. Another thing she said not long ago is it’s not fair on DH for me to breastfeed because he won’t be able to bond. This really worries me.[/quote]
Oh dear god!

Please ignore her! If you don't need to express, don't. Actual breastfeeding establishes your supply and adapts to the baby's needs. Some women struggle and have to express but unless you have to leave your baby for any length of time because of an appt or something it's far easier to not. I found it a right faff. Whole point of b/f is no bottles to sterilize!

I breastfed all my kids. My husband bonded with them just fine. As long as your DH is an involved dad with nappy changes, bathtime, playtime and cuddling, your baby will absolutely know who he is and there will be a great bond. They also recommend lots of skin-to-skin contact now and that will help too - he'll love it!

@ancientgran

NannyOgg Nope. She made it up as she went along. Even if your DH is in his fifties/sixties, what she did wasn't recommended Well some of it was still recommended when my eldest was born and he is in his 40s. Weaning at 6 weeks, bit of rusk in the bottle for hungry babies, boiled water. The reassuring thing is that he is fine, his younger brother who is in his 20s and lots of different advice for him is also fine, babies are remarkably adaptable which is just as well given that adults can't make their minds up.

Not in any books I read and some of mine are that age. Boiled water yes, but not the rusk thing.

Can I just say that any new mum who is struggling and does need help including a nights sleep shouldn't feel they are failing as it can come across that letting a baby sleep at GPs is a total no no and something a loving parent would never do. We are all different and there is no shame accepting help, or even asking for it, if you need it. We don't need to be martyrs. Most of us manage just fine but occasionally other things intervene, PND, flu or in a friend's case the death of her own mother which she found so hard within weeks of baby being born.

@MIL2020

My DIL gave birth to the first grandchild on both sides two weeks ago. Her mum and I get on really well and are there to support her while respecting her boundaries. When I read threads like this on MN I am SO grateful that my beautiful DIL is not a total bitch and yes, I have name changed.

What Exactly has op some to make her a bitch? She's said she lives mil, she is lucky to have her, grateful for childcare but didn't want t her to have sleepover

Hmmm, if she is going to be looking after your child one day a week, be very careful that if she is overstepping boundaries now this doesn't bode well. She may very well continue to ignore your wishes and overstep boundaries when it comes to looking after your child. Unless you're prepared for her to do things her own way while this child is in her care, I would be working out a backup plan for alternative care.

NannyOgg you probably had a different HV to me, probably gave birth in a different hospital and read different books. Doesn't mean she made it up or that I did. Your personal experience is yours but it doesn't mean it was the same for everyone everywhere.

Congratulations on your pregnancy Pregernaut, hope all continues to go well for you.
Your DH sounds wonderful!
MIL needs a good book or two about baby rearing and breastfeeding - maybe find a couple that you'd like to read and have her read them too?
DS1 had his first night away from me when he was 3 and only did that because I was in hospital delivering his brother.

No better parent than the ones who aren't parents yet...

oh i will need a break, oh i will want to go for dinner for a few hours... erm maybe, but maybe not...

haven't been out for 8 years with my husband as kids have issues with sleep and haven't had a babysitter yet - was going to but lockdown happened...