To set MiL Straight?

[Pregernaught]

NC’d.

I’m 19 weeks pregnant with the first grandchild on both sides, so naturally everyone is super excited and it’s all very lovely.

Yesterday, MiL let slip that she’s bought a next to me crib and a load of newborn baby stuff ‘for her house’ for when the baby arrives ... I quite pointedly said ‘oh that won’t be needed MiL, baby won’t be staying overnight with you until they’re too old to use a next to me, he/she will be in their own room by then’

She was taken aback and said I’d need a night off on the first few weeks at least. I said baby will be breast fed until 6 months at least hopefully so whether I want a night off or not, it won’t be happening. I also said that even if I couldn’t breast feed for any reason, I wouldn’t want baby away from me that early anyway.

She then got upset and said she would expect me to express so she could take her grandchild while they’re still a baby to have overnight and I’m cruel for not allowing this. DH stepped in at this point and said we wouldn’t be changing our plans to suit MiL, and he’d be very sad if she couldn’t accept that and made it difficult for us to see her when baby was born. She dropped it After he said that.

She’s also said some other weird stuff like weaning the baby from 3 months is normal, she doesn’t like the idea of breastfeeding and something about giving newborns water as well as milk? Pretty sure that’s not right? It’s making me really nervous about leaving baby with her at all until he or she is a bit more robust!

MiL has a sister who has a grandchild already, but she was born when her mum was only 16 and living at home, so naturally MiL’s sister was very involved from the start. DH and I are in our 30’s, totally independent, mortgage, the lot so it’s a totally different circumstance. I have a feeling MiL is comparing notes and wants to be as involved as her sister was, which obviously just won’t be happening.

I just want to check I’m not being cruel or unreasonable to lay boundaries with someone who is usually lovely and will absolutely dote on this kid?

[ancientgran]

I've managed to navigate good relationships with my DsIL. I think mainly by not offering advice but being happy to discuss my experience when asked. I do think GPs need to keep calm but it is nice if mums include them to some extent, discussing your plans and what happened back when you or partner were babies is a good way to involve GPs without them trying to take over. Sometimes just opening a discussion avoids aggro.

[pictish]

I think you did well to state your position firmly but politely. It’s great that your dh backed you up too.
Don’t be too ‘anti’ about it however, even in your own mind...you haven’t had this baby yet and you don’t know that you might not appreciate a willing grandparent to give you a break. Keep her on side.

[Pregernaught]

Thanks all, she didn’t breastfeed DH at all and he slept in his own room from birth, then had solids from 6 weeks although had rusk mashed in formula from birth... she’s told me all about that. It sounds like the advice she was given and the advice now is totally different which may cause a bit of conflict, but I’m sure she’ll settle down, she’s just mega excited at the moment.

She’s been buying things since I was 9 weeks pregnant and is appalled we haven’t done the nursery yet... 2bh, baby won’t be in there for 6 months after birth so I’ve been a bit chilled about it. I haven’t bought anything yet either, should I have?

[Nanny0gg]

@winterisstillcoming

I think she took you by surprise so you set her straight. I'd say next time leave it to DH.

The only thing about what you've said to her is that if you do need her to have baby for whatever reason, then you will have to lose some face as you were adamant on your plans.

You may not end up breastfeeding, or winter flu may strike both of you and you might need help so don't cut it off straightway.

My MIL is very controlling and got her hopes up too, and it's all about managing expectations and showing that we will be reasonable if she is reasonable. It's tough though.

I think the OP was right. MIL was talking to her directly so she was quite entitled to answer.

And unless I was at death's door there would be no way she'd be having that baby overnight. If they're ill she can help in the day and stay at their house if necessary (that's what I did for my DGC. And we actually had to manage without any help at all when my kids were babies . You just have to cope)

[Serin]

She was completely out of order to call you cruel. There is nothing cruel about wanting to raise your own child.
I am probably around your MILs age and wonder what gets into the minds of these Grans. I am too busy with my own life to have any desire to buy cots.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

You’ll get more “advice” than you’ll know what to do with and it’ll never end. I learned to respond with variations of “that’s interesting”, “yes I’ve heard that”, “we’re following the current guidance”, “we’re doing what works for the baby and us but thanks for your interest”.

[BlueDream]

Bloody hell, a next to me?! Oof.

[averythinline]

the advice for mone was no water for BF DC until you started weaning at 6months....unless very hot and humid.. and I used boiled water for DC cup training as wouldnt have BF in cup/bottle and easier to clean when got dropped all over the floor..
my mum was concerned that BF would not have enough nutrition after 4mths as that was what had been thought when she was parent but was happy when i said advice changed..
i did use formula for early porridge as part of weaning 6mths ish as i was a bit concenred about iron level and DC very resistant to Breastmilk via any form except from me....

good to be clear early on

[ivfbeenbusy]

@Pregernaught

Nah - I'm 18 weeks with twins and haven't done anything yet. Due to history of recurrent losses I'm going to wait until at least 20 weeks to buy anything but maybe 24 weeks which is the cut off date after which hospitals will attempt to save the baby

[Nanny0gg]

@Pregernaught

Thanks all, she didn’t breastfeed DH at all and he slept in his own room from birth, then had solids from 6 weeks although had rusk mashed in formula from birth... she’s told me all about that. It sounds like the advice she was given and the advice now is totally different which may cause a bit of conflict, but I’m sure she’ll settle down, she’s just mega excited at the moment.

She’s been buying things since I was 9 weeks pregnant and is appalled we haven’t done the nursery yet... 2bh, baby won’t be in there for 6 months after birth so I’ve been a bit chilled about it. I haven’t bought anything yet either, should I have?

Nope. She made it up as she went along. Even if your DH is in his fifties/sixties, what she did wasn't recommended

[123rd]

My d mum ( who never bf) gently reminded me that newborns should be having water... my baby was born in the middle of a cold winter, was feeding well, and actually mum you don't know what's best all of the time. And the advice you have is 30'yrs out of date!!
Stick to your guns OP.

[Onekidnoclue]

I think you’ve done really well. Make your expectations clear from the off to save heart ache later.
Threads like this shock me so much as my DS is the only grandchild both sides and at 3.5 neither side has ever offered to look after him! And he’s a mega easy child who was FF. Am a bit jealous of the support on off tbh.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

And at getting the nursery ready yet. I didn’t buy a thing till I was around 30 weeks and when people bought us things I asked them to keep them until she was born as we’d also had a run of losses beforehand. We were thinking of putting her in her own room when the pandemic hit and the nursery is now DH office. One day it’ll happen but for now we’re doing what works for us

[Smileyaxolotl1]

Yanbu and lovely to see a thread where the dad is on the same page and defends his partner against his mother!

I think people are right about water but not entirely. My formula fed baby was given water in addition to milk from about 3 months and this was only a few years ago.
Agree with you about the crib but things might change so if she is normally nice I would be careful not to burn too many bridges. You may find you can’t or don’t want to breast feed and your baby is a terrible sleeper and a night off at 4 Months is wanted. Having said that my children were 18 months before they spent a night away from us.

[pictish]

Yes...regarding her...or added anyone’s unsolicited advice, three words; smile and nod. That’s all you have to do.

“Thanks for the advice mil, I’ll think about what you said.”
Smile and nod.

“That’s a valid point, I can see where you’re coming from.”
Smile and nod.

“Thank you for chipping in, I can see that worked well for you.”
Smile and nod.

She can’t make you do anything. You don’t have to worry about it.

[Newmumatlast]

I'm pretty relaxed and also went back to work full time before my child reached 4 months yet even with that, my child didn't stay the night with grandparents before 1. Have no issues or judgement regarding those who choose this, and don't have any strong views re: baby being too young etc, its just we had no need for them to stay over. The point is the choice is yours and it isnt something that should be presumed at all.

And no, newborn babies do not drink water. I was told from 6mths you can introduce water.

[Newmumatlast]

@AnneLovesGilbert

And at getting the nursery ready yet. I didn’t buy a thing till I was around 30 weeks and when people bought us things I asked them to keep them until she was born as we’d also had a run of losses beforehand. We were thinking of putting her in her own room when the pandemic hit and the nursery is now DH office. One day it’ll happen but for now we’re doing what works for us

yep ours isn't in her own room yet either. Advice is to have in same room until at least 6mths anyway and, like you, pandemic hit so we just kept her in with us. She has a room but it hasn't been decorated for her yet or anything.

[LeroyJenkinssss]

I really don’t understand this having babies overnight when they are still tiny. Surely half the fun of being a grandparent is that you get all the joys of a baby with none of the tedious night wakings?

If my (as yet imaginary because my boys are small) DIL wanted me to have the baby overnight, I’d do it but not out of choice!

[SadderThanEeyore]

The water thing is not a yes or no answer. Formula fed babies can get thirsty and want water. DS2 has cooled boiled water in very small amounts from around a week old. He was wanting to feed in ridiculous amounts, and turned out that he was thirsty. HV was fine with it, he was gaining weight above the expected and just having an oz of water here and there.
Heating in winter can dry out the air, not sure if that was why. Excessive heat in summer can dehydrate them. Not something to worry about until they are here and you get to know what they need.

[OverTheRainbow88]

She’s excited; let her carry on and waste her own money.
I wouldn’t even engage with arguments over things that haven’t even happened yet. Who knows, by week 10 you may fancy a night break from baby!!

[Pregernaught]

Thanks all,

My mum in contrast has read all the current advice already and commented to me how much it had changed. She’s offered to come and stay in my spare room overnight if we need her to and has offered to come during the day to do baby entertaining so I can have a shower/ bath/ nap etc. She’s also offered to walk Ddog for the first few weeks if I’m not up to it, The bit that concerns me is MiL has offered none of this, just to ‘take’ baby which makes me uncomfortable, even the language of that. I think I’m over sensitive

Good to know I’m not the only one not going mad buying loads of stuff this early! I’ve had a lot of miscarriages (13, all before 7 weeks) so I think I feel a bit like it’s not really real?

Urgh. I’m massively second guessing myself but most of you seem to think we did the right thing which is good, I don’t want to curb her enthusiasm as I think I’ll be very grateful for the help at some point!

[seayork2020]

My inlaws had a family cot and I loved the thought of ds using it, ds spend time their from the time he was an newborn as we were happy for them to have him overnight (my parents were overseas) we love ds dearly but were happy for the break and it saved us lugging it all there

[FunTimes2020]

@Pregernaught

Thanks all, she didn’t breastfeed DH at all and he slept in his own room from birth, then had solids from 6 weeks although had rusk mashed in formula from birth... she’s told me all about that. It sounds like the advice she was given and the advice now is totally different which may cause a bit of conflict, but I’m sure she’ll settle down, she’s just mega excited at the moment.

She’s been buying things since I was 9 weeks pregnant and is appalled we haven’t done the nursery yet... 2bh, baby won’t be in there for 6 months after birth so I’ve been a bit chilled about it. I haven’t bought anything yet either, should I have?

Blimey, I'm surprised your DH survived the early years!

[steppemum]

she is going by what was common when she was a new mum.
On that basis you need to tread gently but firmly to be VERY clear about your expectations, and what she is allowed to do and not do, but remember that while things have changed, she has brought up her own kids, and they are fine!

You are right, no water for newborns, if weather is hot, you bf them more. And recommendations is weaning at 6 months.

You sound as if you stood up for yourself really well, and had dh support, so that is a great start to a healthy relationship with MIL

[Babdoc]

Your baby, your rules, OP. MIL will have to accept that or risk a rift that would mean seeing even less of her GC.
However, not all modern childrearing methods are better than hers. For example, there is some evidence that very late weaning - at 6 months - is the cause of the massive rise in peanut allergy, (and other food allergies) which was almost unheard of 30 years ago, and is still rare in countries that wean at 3 months or earlier.
If the baby’s first exposure to peanut is via food in its gut, its immune system identifies it as food, and doesn’t react.
But the later you leave weaning, the greater chance that first exposure will be via the skin, triggering an immune response.
In my 36 years as a doctor, I certainly saw far more serious food allergies in my final decade than my first.