To set MiL Straight?

[Pregernaught]

NC’d.

I’m 19 weeks pregnant with the first grandchild on both sides, so naturally everyone is super excited and it’s all very lovely.

Yesterday, MiL let slip that she’s bought a next to me crib and a load of newborn baby stuff ‘for her house’ for when the baby arrives ... I quite pointedly said ‘oh that won’t be needed MiL, baby won’t be staying overnight with you until they’re too old to use a next to me, he/she will be in their own room by then’

She was taken aback and said I’d need a night off on the first few weeks at least. I said baby will be breast fed until 6 months at least hopefully so whether I want a night off or not, it won’t be happening. I also said that even if I couldn’t breast feed for any reason, I wouldn’t want baby away from me that early anyway.

She then got upset and said she would expect me to express so she could take her grandchild while they’re still a baby to have overnight and I’m cruel for not allowing this. DH stepped in at this point and said we wouldn’t be changing our plans to suit MiL, and he’d be very sad if she couldn’t accept that and made it difficult for us to see her when baby was born. She dropped it After he said that.

She’s also said some other weird stuff like weaning the baby from 3 months is normal, she doesn’t like the idea of breastfeeding and something about giving newborns water as well as milk? Pretty sure that’s not right? It’s making me really nervous about leaving baby with her at all until he or she is a bit more robust!

MiL has a sister who has a grandchild already, but she was born when her mum was only 16 and living at home, so naturally MiL’s sister was very involved from the start. DH and I are in our 30’s, totally independent, mortgage, the lot so it’s a totally different circumstance. I have a feeling MiL is comparing notes and wants to be as involved as her sister was, which obviously just won’t be happening.

I just want to check I’m not being cruel or unreasonable to lay boundaries with someone who is usually lovely and will absolutely dote on this kid?

[ElsieMc]

I am a grandparent of four, soon to be five. Through difficult circumstances two of my grandchildren have lived with me from birth and I have brought them up. People say I am like their mum, but I am not. You cannot be their mum. This is why I cannot understand the behaviour of those like your MIL.

You say your MIL is lovely, but she really is not. She was attention seeking using your sadness to gain sympathy for herself. Her comments about your miscarriages breaching your confidence are insensitive and uncaring. The big plus is your DH is onside.

I can tell you as a grandmother that I certainly do not want to have my dd2's newborn overnight! She will ask me if she wants help. I have had my turn with babies (and another set of babies).

The only thing I have been chastised for is making a comment on the choice of baby names, so I have been banned from discussions eg "Elsie, say nothing!"

Good luck op. At least you are prepared now for a possible bumpy ride with a generational clash of views on feeding, sleeping arrangements. Just hold your ground.

[Inertia]

@Pregernaught you and your DH have handled this well- for Pete’s sake don’t go grovelling to MIL with flowers as suggested above! It is utterly unreasonable for MIL to demand to take your baby and call you cruel, and she’s lucky that you and DH have handled her ridiculous tantrum so calmly.

Just wanted to say that it is perfectly normal to have very strong feelings about needing to have your baby near you at all times- there is no need to justify / suppress that protective parenting instinct. Grief for the pregnancies which have ended in miscarriage is absolutely understandable (I’ve been there) and needing help to talk through those worries can be helpful, but please don’t accept any blame from people making completely unreasonable demands.

Your baby is not a dolly for MIL to play with. Your baby will be a tiny, vulnerable human with needs of her or his own, the most overwhelming of which are milk (whether BF or FF) and close contact with his or her mother. Fathers don’t need to feed the baby to bond, there are so many other ways to care for the baby- bathing, changing, plain old cuddling. If EBF works for your baby and you then it’s nobody else’s concern. There is plenty of time for babies to develop close relationships with grandparents as they grow, and their needs change.

[RedHelenB]

In some areas babysitting sleeping out is common and expected. Sounds as though there shouldn't be any major dramas though as you've clearly stated what you plan to happen and get on with your mil.