To set MiL Straight?

[Pregernaught]

NC’d.

I’m 19 weeks pregnant with the first grandchild on both sides, so naturally everyone is super excited and it’s all very lovely.

Yesterday, MiL let slip that she’s bought a next to me crib and a load of newborn baby stuff ‘for her house’ for when the baby arrives ... I quite pointedly said ‘oh that won’t be needed MiL, baby won’t be staying overnight with you until they’re too old to use a next to me, he/she will be in their own room by then’

She was taken aback and said I’d need a night off on the first few weeks at least. I said baby will be breast fed until 6 months at least hopefully so whether I want a night off or not, it won’t be happening. I also said that even if I couldn’t breast feed for any reason, I wouldn’t want baby away from me that early anyway.

She then got upset and said she would expect me to express so she could take her grandchild while they’re still a baby to have overnight and I’m cruel for not allowing this. DH stepped in at this point and said we wouldn’t be changing our plans to suit MiL, and he’d be very sad if she couldn’t accept that and made it difficult for us to see her when baby was born. She dropped it After he said that.

She’s also said some other weird stuff like weaning the baby from 3 months is normal, she doesn’t like the idea of breastfeeding and something about giving newborns water as well as milk? Pretty sure that’s not right? It’s making me really nervous about leaving baby with her at all until he or she is a bit more robust!

MiL has a sister who has a grandchild already, but she was born when her mum was only 16 and living at home, so naturally MiL’s sister was very involved from the start. DH and I are in our 30’s, totally independent, mortgage, the lot so it’s a totally different circumstance. I have a feeling MiL is comparing notes and wants to be as involved as her sister was, which obviously just won’t be happening.

I just want to check I’m not being cruel or unreasonable to lay boundaries with someone who is usually lovely and will absolutely dote on this kid?

The water and weaning at 3 months was common as late as the 80s because that was what dm was recommended with us. Tbf even when dd1 was born in 2000 it was 4 months weaning, and you can give cool pre-boiled water if it's hot.

However from having 3 dc who breastfed. Dd1 slept through at 8 weeks. She could have gone overnight-except by the morning I was bursting! No way would I have wanted her to be away for that reason, needed to relieve some of the milk asap. Yes, you can express, but it's much less comfortable and slower.
DD2 had about 2-3 feeds overnight until she was about 18 months. Ds had ear infections from 10 weeks, and needed the comfort of a feed-the swallowing motion helps.

No need for overnights unless you want them.

I do find your MIL's approach extremely weird but from what I've read on MN over the years it's not uncommon!

We had first grandchild on both sides and parents were super excited and visited etc but had no interest/expectation that we'd upheave everything with a breastfed baby and broken sleep to go and sleep somewhere else- especially not ' in the early weeks'? Where everything is an absolute haze and you feel like shit?!

In my experience the first 3 months are just a rollercoaster and you just want to do your own thing. My lovely mum came up and stayed with us to help out (cuddled baby when he woke in middle of the night so we could sleep in shifts).

I'd perhaps be wary of committing to grandparent childcare until you know they are going to respect what you're doing. At the moment they do have more experience than you so will probably feel like they know best but you'll be the expert when your baby is born!

YANBU. Buying kit??

Breastfed babies do not need water, this is correct. I also expect that formula milk has gone a long way too so maybe worth checking current guidelines before taking on old one.

Read about the 4th semester. It is about baby and mother bonding post birth. May help understand why it is important.

Weaning, baby will let you know tbh. Some are readier earlier some later. Mine just grabbed the apple or pear I was eating and started at it. I think she was about 6 months or so. So I started purees, etc. gently.

You’re fine, you were firm but fair. Your baby isn’t a toy that has to be shared!

Reading wise the fourth trimester may help MIL understand a bit more, also things change all the time, my eldest is just 6 and my youngest almost 4, between the two weaning guidelines changed slightly! So I’m under no illusions that if they have children it’ll all be completely different

@annelovesgilbert

There are so many threads about "what i didn't realise before i had a baby", "why didn't people tell me how hard things are with a newborn" etc etc
Before people have a baby they have grand plans and intentions- great- however a lot of times these intentions are slightly naive. So pointing out that OP may not have an entirely smooth ride and may wish to have overnight help is not unreasonable. Births abs breastfeeding rarely go as expected.

With regard to the "well meaning and excited" comment - OP said it will be a first grandchild. Have some empathy for the MIL, as well as for the OP. They are both trying to do their best to prepare for a situation they've never been in before. Not saying that MlL doesn't need restraining, but maybe try see things from her perspective.

At first I assumed the cot was for you if you stayed over. As much as I would have loved a break, no way could my BF baby settle with someone else. It's more than just getting milk, it's the environment, the smell etc.

God she sounds a right bitch wanting to be involved in her grandchilds life.

Good luck having no nights off. Making a rod for your own back here. You'll need her before she needs you.

@Morgan12

God she sounds a right bitch wanting to be involved in her grandchilds life.

Good luck having no nights off. Making a rod for your own back here. You'll need her before she needs you.

Did you not manage to read the whole thread before you had to jump in and call the mil a bitch?

@Morgan12

God she sounds a right bitch wanting to be involved in her grandchilds life.

Good luck having no nights off. Making a rod for your own back here. You'll need her before she needs you.

God you’re rude.

Time to stop the hand wringing and self doubt, advocate for yourself and your kid, MIL has plenty of time to educate herself on the science behind how things are done now. Her son can point her towards articles about why your kid will not be doing dangerous, disproven and outdated practices. Your mother has managed.

@Morgan12 that’s really unkind. What was the point? I’ve at no point insinuated I don’t like MiL or that she’s anything other than an excited grandparent to be. Wind your neck in hen.

My MIL was like that and at the time I wasn't strong enough to say no, so my baby went off to stay overnight when she was only a month or so old. As i was bf I needed to express enough milk in advance to last the night, which was obviously in addition to what I was feeding baby - this caused my boobs to think they needed to produce extra milk and during that night while dc was at MIL my boobs just blew up and were hideously painful, it took a while for them to settle back down again. Stick to your guns and make her wait until weaned. Apart from the very painful boobs I just wasn't ready to spend a night apart from dc. I wish I'd had your confidence at the time to say no.

Sorry but what is this utter madness of wanting to have a newborn grandchild overnight
I'm in my 60's and can't think of anything worse than a broken nights sleep, There is a reason that we don't give birth in our 50's, 60's and 70's, 'cos we can't cope with broken nights, feeding, colic etc!
Grandchildren are to be loved, admired, spoilt, and handed back to their parents to deal with the messy bits.
When you have your DC's you are so busy and often so worn down that you often miss out on some fun times that you go on to experience with your grandchildren.

OP I agree with your stance and I think buying a load of things for your child at her house is crazy BUT don't set hard and fast rules about your baby before it is here as things might not go according to your grand plan, babies set their own agenda, and you will find life a lot easier if you go with the flow.

Good Luck

I think yabu but only because you’re not being firm enough. The crying thing is such a toxic behaviour and such a reg flag.

I don’t know why you’d try and take a baby off a mother when you’ve had your own & now how your instincts are to keep them close.

You’re being too nice to her is what I’m trying to say.

It’s good you put her straight as soon as she said it and good that your DH stuck up for you.

But you could also look at it another way, if you did want her to have the baby overnight she’d be up for it! You probably won’t but you never know how you’ll feel. My youngest was 5 months old when he first stayed overnight with GP, i was fine with it and enjoyed my time off! ( he’s my youngest of 7 and I’ve become less anxious about my babies being away from me the more I’ve had ).

@ILikeTrains that’s so helpful to read. This is another thing that worries me, MiL doesn’t like the idea of breastfeeding at all, she thinks it’s bollocks that it’s better than formula/ just the same as cows milk and as such she has no concept of supply/ demand and how it all works. Obviously I’m more than capable of making my own decision on that but I don’t have the experience to know the reasons why I’ll need to feed from the breast and not express all the time etc. Another thing she said not long ago is it’s not fair on DH for me to breastfeed because he won’t be able to bond. This really worries me.

YANBU! What she did and said completely overstepped the mark! Who in their right mind just buys a crib and assumes they’ll get to play mummy! What grandmother would even think such a thing?

It sounds deranged - far different than wanting to be involved. What was she thinking? It’s her issue not yours. You did absolutely the right thing - you were clear and polite.

My own DM didn’t look after my children overnight until the youngest was 20 months and that was only because we had a special occasion weekend. It didn’t happen again for years. It wasn’t necessary. When they’re older, they’ll ask to stay with Granny of their own accord and that’s when it should happen.

I wouldn’t trust someone who knowingly went behind your back to buy a crib. Your DH is a star.

‘ Good luck having no nights off. Making a rod for your own back here. You'll need her before she needs you’
^

My kids have never spent the night out, I don’t begrudge that. It’s not a negative at all.

And having just read your latest post, the breastfeeding thing would make me keep my distance at all times. A friend’s MIL basically sabotaged her breastfeeding and lied to her.

Your MIL will be in there with a bottle as soon as your back is turned. Personally she’d be at arm’s length and never left alone with baby.

@MIL2020 do you think I’ve been too harsh with her?

Op stop listening to your mil. She literally doesn’t have a clue. She puts adults emotional needs in front of a babies as well which is terrible.

Unfortunately the weaning thing is common with older relatives. My mum, MIL and grandma all made a big fuss about it when I was first-time mum. I was very young though so I think they felt they knew best and just couldn’t get their head round waiting until 6 months 🙄

Ditto a lot of other old and very outdated advice! They couldn’t seem to accept that things have changed quite a lot and the way they did things was no longer the done thing.