To set MiL Straight?

[Pregernaught]

NC’d.

I’m 19 weeks pregnant with the first grandchild on both sides, so naturally everyone is super excited and it’s all very lovely.

Yesterday, MiL let slip that she’s bought a next to me crib and a load of newborn baby stuff ‘for her house’ for when the baby arrives ... I quite pointedly said ‘oh that won’t be needed MiL, baby won’t be staying overnight with you until they’re too old to use a next to me, he/she will be in their own room by then’

She was taken aback and said I’d need a night off on the first few weeks at least. I said baby will be breast fed until 6 months at least hopefully so whether I want a night off or not, it won’t be happening. I also said that even if I couldn’t breast feed for any reason, I wouldn’t want baby away from me that early anyway.

She then got upset and said she would expect me to express so she could take her grandchild while they’re still a baby to have overnight and I’m cruel for not allowing this. DH stepped in at this point and said we wouldn’t be changing our plans to suit MiL, and he’d be very sad if she couldn’t accept that and made it difficult for us to see her when baby was born. She dropped it After he said that.

She’s also said some other weird stuff like weaning the baby from 3 months is normal, she doesn’t like the idea of breastfeeding and something about giving newborns water as well as milk? Pretty sure that’s not right? It’s making me really nervous about leaving baby with her at all until he or she is a bit more robust!

MiL has a sister who has a grandchild already, but she was born when her mum was only 16 and living at home, so naturally MiL’s sister was very involved from the start. DH and I are in our 30’s, totally independent, mortgage, the lot so it’s a totally different circumstance. I have a feeling MiL is comparing notes and wants to be as involved as her sister was, which obviously just won’t be happening.

I just want to check I’m not being cruel or unreasonable to lay boundaries with someone who is usually lovely and will absolutely dote on this kid?

[Somethingsnappy]

@ancientgran... I loved your post! Anyone who manage to breastfeed in the 70s through all the prejudice, lack of understanding and faulty/misleading advice is a hero to me!

[Marleymoo42]

You did the right thing.

Prepare yourself...it sounds like she is going to be full on when the baby arrives and you will be very tired and full of hormones. You can see other people post regularly on here about over bearing mils. Having another woman expressing their love for your child 24 hours a day and givng you all their well meaning advice is hard work.

I would pick your battles (smile, nod and ignore the advice if you dont like it) and remember the intense mil stage will pass eventually. Sorry its started so early for you!

[Megzmoo]

You are not being unreasonable at all!

My dd is 15 weeks and won't be sleeping over anywhere until she's over 1. My parents have even said that if we ever need a babysitter they would love to do it, but would come over to our house and everything baby needs is here.

I have exclusively bf my dd and will until she is six months. It's only in the last week she has drank expressed milk from a bottle, so good luck to your mother in law if she just expects baby to take a bottle straight away when the have been breastfeeding 😂

I think the older generation did begin weaning much early around 3 months, my mum has made similar suggestions 😂

I'm probably going to introduce solids around 5/6 months but very gradually!

Well done to you and dh for standing up for yourselves 😁

[Candyflosscookie]

Tendays "advice" to go cap in hand apologise with flowers etc is AWFUL please ignore such people pleasing, doormat prepping, pandering RUBBISH. You set your boundaries and you did the right thing. I loathe that kind of crap - as if women are not allowed to say what they rightly expect for THEIR child.

[Daisy62]

This is a leaflet about breastfeeding, aimed at grandparents. You can download it as a PDF. Maybe one for your own mum in the first instance, OP?
abm.me.uk/breastfeeding-information/grandparents/

[Daisy62]

Meant to add that the ABM grandparents breastfeeding leaflet has up to date info on water and solids. It also talks about the feelings that can arise when our adult children make different parenting decisions from our own. And the difficult feelings that can arise for a grandmother who maybe didn’t have a positive personal experience of breastfeeding, for whatever reason.

abm.me.uk/breastfeeding-information/grandparents/

[Splendidseptember]

Op your blessed that your dh was able to stand up for you and himself and actually, that reflects very well on her.

She hasn't turned her son into a cowering, people pleasing wreck whose sole Misson in life is to keep his mum happy.
So well done her.

[Splendidseptember]

@ancientgran gran I think your mumsnet favourite granny and we poor souls with awful mils, wish you were ours.

[NameChange84]

Ughhhhhhhh she sounds so controlling! It’s YOUR baby not hers. No way would I be okay with this, these are not reasonable demands or expectations. Just say no!

[NearlyGranny]

Did she hand her PFB over to her own MiL overnight with a bottle of EBM and wave goodbye?

Ask her. If the answer is no, say you understand totally, and plan to do exactly the same. If the answer is yes (but it won't be) tell her times have changed and you're following different advice and making different plans!

You can't lose.

[peoniesandfreesias]

Just to say your MIL sounds very like mine did OP with my first dc. She was particularly anti breastfeeding - so having to store my frozen breastmilk in her freezer when she did get some time with them was a special joy to me 👿. However DH and I stuck to our guns - it was funny how I stopped being such a mouse and biting my tongue when I became a mother- and MIL soon got the message. Didn't get any subsequent bollocks when dc 2&3 were born.

[diddl]

Even if she did hand Op's husband over to her own MIL, there's no need for Op to do the same!

[Ilovechinese]

Not read all of the comments so someone has probably already answered, but no newborns do not need water just breastmilk. And definitely d9nt let her have baby overnight or anytime at all for that matter she sounds like she would be a risk to your baby wanting to give them water and talking about weaning from 3 months! You are meant to wait until 6 months to wean unless advised otherwise by a paediatrician. She has had her children and raised them. This is your baby! You dont want to miss out on being with your baby, your firstborn because the crazy grandma wants to play at being mummy!

[Bakingcupcake]

Omg i could have written this post...my MIL also bought a cot and set up a nursery..bought a feeding pillow (i have no idea wtf for as she was not going to be bf my baby). I actually didn't say anything whilst pregnant (kinda wish i had to lower their expectations) they were banging on about baby staying overnight...i EBF for 15 months so there was no way baby was staying overnight, hubby nor i felt comfortable with the idea and still dont tbh. Its good your husbambd is backing you up..i totally think its nuts she would expect you to express too so she could have baby overnight...good you've nipped it in the bud now as trust me it gets worse once baby is here...i dont know why MILs think its their god damn given right to want to get baby away from their mother, she told me cluster feeding was a made up thing it didn't happen in her day...was always dishing out advice that wasn't asked for or correct. She constantly was saying she thought DD had an upset tummy and things like that and i have no idea why as she didn't. We actually now live no where near them now which im glad about as i dont think her or SIL like me but I couldnt give two hoots, they do visit obv havent seen them for a while due to covid, its so difficult as before baby we got on then as soon as baby arrived something just changed and she always was asking to get baby away from me and take baby out etc etc 😒 xxx

[Splendidseptember]

Ten days post... Wow.

Never ever do that. The onus must be on the perp to forfill the role of asking for forgiveness, it's for them to be worried about awkwardness, not the op.
Ops Mil is already struggling to see beyond her own ego! Don't feed it any more

[Cruachan31]

@Pregernaught I can really relate to this. I didn’t want to tell mil I was pregnant for any of my babies, as I knew she would just “have to” let other people know. I was (and still am) a very private person and struggled to deal with this whilst we didn’t know if it was going to be a viable pregnancy or not. DH felt we had to let MIL know as I wanted to tell my DM, in case I needed support! However I think he eventually realised how out of order MIL was, when we were literally being stopped in our tracks, by people we barely knew congratulating us! MIL also bought all the things she needed to set up a nursery in her own home, for when baby went to stay. This never happened, because I just didn’t want to be separated from DD, but also because MIL used to come into our home and immediately lift DD from her pram whether she was sleeping or not. As if this wasn’t bad enough, she did this whilst having a fag dangling from her mouth the whole time and used to get very annoyed when I grabbed baby from her, as she had “done this with her own and hadn’t burned them!” I am glad your DH is supportive and I hope this continues once baby is born! Unfortunately my DH struggled with standing up to his DM and we did have a good few rows over her, to the extent it very nearly split us up!

On the other side, my DD and SIL told me that they were expecting a baby as soon as they found out. SIL works away from home during the week and was only at home weekends, so they wanted me to know “just in case.” I can honestly say I never told anyone, even DH.
Once her MIL knew, DD had the same issue as the OP (and I) had, as her MIL started buying all the things she needed to set up a nursery in her house!

[billy1966]

OP,
You sound wonderful and I wish you the very best.

Your MIL does not sound nice, she sounds like a total headwreck with zero boundaries.

I hope she had a key.
You will not want anyone hanging around the house all day waiting to grab the baby.

Protect your privacy and be ready to defend it.
New families need privacy, even though it is lovely when people pop in for short visits.

[billy1966]

Hasn't a key!!

[ReallySpicyCurry]

It's good that you and DH are on the same page.

While MIL probably isn't a bad person, I can absolutely guarantee you that she is going to go batshit once baby arrives. MILs like her always do (and I love my mil so not bashing)

Something happens when babies arrive, otherwise nice and normal family members go absolutely loopy. It's often the PILs because, as a PP said, they are more focused on the new member of "their" family, than the wellbeing of their DIL, and this can obviously cause problems. Honestly if you read back on posts here you'll see it over and over again. "my pil have changed since DC arrived".

[Familyiseverything10]

I cannot ever understand why grandparents are desperate to take such young babies overnight!!
When I am a grandparent I will not be doing this unless specifically asked!!! A baby doesn't sleep!! There's night feeds, nappy changes, seperation anxiety. Plus the risk of sids. Just stick to your guns and say no!

[LouiseTrees]

[quote Pregernaught]@TheIckabog aaah that would make sense, When she mentioned that to said ‘oh I don’t think they do have water from birth, maybe the guidelines have changed?’

Am I also right in thinking you begin introducing food at about 6 months?[/quote]
You can give them cooled boiled water to stave off dehydration if needed but not normal water til around 6 months. Same re the food. It’s recommended to food wean at 6 months now.

[ancientgran]

Somethingsnappy and SplendidSeptember thank you so much, I was a bit low this morning (several things going wrong - not major but annoying and expensive) and you both made me smile and I wanted you to know.

I have 4 children, I've given birth in a high tech hospital, forceps, home birth, EMCS, and my Consultant told me I had a baby when I was too young (17) and a baby when I was too old (nearly 40) and my doctor said I should write a book as I'd covered most of the bases but maybe I should write a guide to being a grandmother/MIL? It might be a best seller.

I have been collecting daft covid sayings and told DH I'm going to publish a book when covid is over e.g. flatten the sombrero, play whack a mole with outbreaks, flatten the camel's hump, have a circuit breaker and of course unprecedented but the grandmother guide would probably be most useful.

Somethingsnappy it is hard for many people to imagine now but the 70s was a really difficult time to breastfeed, I was "punished" on the ward as I insisted on breastfeeding, I was in a hospital that didn't have the greatest reputation or facilities. The food was dire with the exception of breakfast which was a feast, cereal, toast, full English, fruit and fruit juice. I wasn't allowed to go to breakfast until Sister was satisfied baby had fed enough so I got the leftovers, in those days it was normal to stay in for 8 days after a normal birth and was I hungry when I got out. I was 17 and looked more like 14 or 15 with my hair in pigtails and braces on my teeth but I was stubborn. I had the great blessing of a wonderful health visitor, she was an unmarried, well spoken older lady, bit Joyce Grenfell if you remember her. For several days she would come and see me on the way into work, she'd pop in during the day if she was near and would see me at the end of the day. Things went well and I started donating milk to the local milk bank, a pint or pint and a half a day and my doctor said if I was a cow I'd be the herd prize winner. She was amazing and having successfully fed 4 babies I know I'd never have cracked it without her. It was strange as the younger HVs took against me, obviously decided I was unfit to look after a baby and yet this very oldfashioned, older lady was such a wonderful support. It just shows you can't judge by appearances.

On the other hand I'd never judge anyone for formula feeding, all mums need support, I've never met a mother who didn't want the best for her children, sorry I have met one and she was strange as she was a devoted mother to some of her children and evil to others and one in particular, I could never figure her out but can only assume she had some mental health issues.

I'm off for my flu jab now and hope everyone has a great weekend.

[Tangledtresses]

I had all of this with my mil years ago, she used to actively take my son off me and hold him even when he was crying, constantly saying she'll never bond with him 😱, because I didn't want them visiting on the first 12 hours home from hospital


Turning up unannounced etc...

I just don't understand why they think this is appropriate?? Or even helpful. In the end I just ignored her and stopped answering the phone... she backed off in the end. My son is 6 now and he still doesn't want to stay there, despite having his own room stuffed with toys etc

[nicky7654]

Cooled boiled water is fine and as for weaning it's when baby is ready.

[trilbydoll]

Dc are 5 and 7 so maybe the newborn days are still too fresh in my mind but I would never volunteer to have a baby for a sleepover. Night-time is the worst bit of having a baby! Maybe in 25 years I'll have forgotten this and be desperate to do it all over again